The Short-Lived Adventures of Butt Crack Man (kind of long) (1514 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: healthcare_tales
Rating: 2 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Forensic (View user info) at 2005-08-13 23:01:32 EDT
The following account is true. I have absolutely no reason to lie. Especially about something like this.
I began working at the hospital in the summer. It was a magical summer too; I had landed this job (the first really decent paying job I had ever had), I was going to lots of kick ass parties and concerts, and I had finally gotten the knack for evading the police, a somewhat treacherous hobby to practice. Quite simply, it was one of THOSE summers. You've had summers like that too; a summer that will live in your memory forever.
It was also the summer I met Butt Crack Man and was witness to his short lived adventures in Butt Crackery.
I was early on my first day at work because I had wanted to make a good impression. As I stood at the time clock waiting to swipe my virgin time card, I stood and looked around at my new home. The place was clean and sanitary looking, professional and friendly employees were walking to and fro, there was a pleasant voice coming from the hospital's P.A. system, and a 'you're in good hands here' feeling emanated from the very walls. Just about that time, I heard a pleasant sounding voice behind me say, "Excuse me, Miss." I turned to see a late 40 something, smiling man with a broom. "Pardon me" I replied and moved out of his way. As he passed me with the broom I turned back towards the time clock. A few moments later, I heard a grunt which caused me to look over at him again. This is when I first met The Butt Crack.
As the pleasant man stooped over to sweep his rubbish heap into a dust pan, I beheld what was quite possibly the hairiest ass I had ever seen. I also saw a dangerously large amount of it, so much so that it could safely be described as indecent.
'Sweet Jebus!' I thought to myself. 'That ass is the stuff of nightmares.'
Butt Crack Man was one of those men who had spindly legs and an enormous gut. Because of this, his trousers were always ill fitting. Men with this body shape tend to have difficulty in making their trousers' waist band stay where it needs to stay. Any motion whether it be bending over, or stretching their arms above their heads will cause a temporary redistribution of mass around their abdominal region, thus causing a precariously balanced waist band to drop. This is why big gutted men tend to have their pants fall to the ground at inopportune moments. This visual spectacle has also been the fodder of many slapstick comedy routines.
As Butt Crack Man stood up, he dumped his dust into a rolling garbage can and calmly pulled his britches up like nothing had happened. The time clock beeped as I swiped my card and Butt Crack Man wished me a good day as I scurried wide-eyed down the hallway.
As the weeks turned into months at my new job, I ceased being a n00b phlebotomist. I had made several friendly acquaintances, one of which was Butt Crack Man's shift supervisor, Melvin O'R&*%. I wish to emphasize the very Irish sounding name, "Melvin O'R&*%" because when you consider that Melvin was a black guy, the whole thing takes on more of a comedic air. Melvin was a great sport about all the ribbing he received because of his name and proclaimed St. Patrick's Day as his favorite holiday to get drunk and plot the downfall of Whitey.
One day as I was returning from my dinner break, I saw Melvin leaning on a floor waxer and talking to Butt Crack Man. After their conversation ended, Butt Crack Man walked away holding his pants up with both hands. I walked up to Melvin to say hi.
"Hey Mel, what's up tonight?" Melvin was chewing gum and shaking his head.
"Sheeeeeeet Girl! That damn idiot there. Fool gonna get fired if don't do something about them pants."
Melvin proceeded to tell me all about Butt Crack Man. Butt Crack Man was only hired a few weeks before I was and already had numerous complaints on his record. Not for shoddy work mind you, but because of the ass crack problem. It was rather difficult for Environmental Services to maintain a professional image when one of its employees was frightening small children and causing angina attacks in the elderly by simply bending over. Butt Crack Man also apparently didn't wear any underpants which compounded the problem. He had been gently reproved on several occasions and encouraged to seek out better fitting pants or to invest in a belt (he didn't bother with one of those either) but still the ass crack was making appearances all over the hospital. Melvin recounted the conversation between the manager of the E.S. department and himself.
"Melvin, you simply have to talk to him and make him understand! We simply cannot have one of our employees showing his ass like that! Every time he bends over, he's mooning the whole god-damned hospital!!!!"
"Hey Hey now! Why am I the one to talk to him?!"
"Because you're his shift supervisor and because I don't have the stomach for it! Nothing worse than hairy man ass."
"Well Sheeeeeeeeet."
"You're a good man Melvin." <slap on the back>
So, according to Melvin, you can lead a horse to water but can't make him put on a belt. Wait. That isn't right. Never mind.
Melvin was getting frustrated. I didn't blame him. Now part of his duties was watching Butt Crack Man's ass making sure that the Butt-i-cuss Obnox-i-cuss (to use the Latin term) didn't make an appearance. Melvin even went and bought the man a belt with his own money, just to make his life easier.
Here is the thing about belts; you actually have to pull them in to your waist in order for them to keep your pants up. I guess Butt Crack Man didn't realize this and it was this ignorance (or knowledgeable intention-we simply don't know) that got him fired.
Butt Crack Man had been sent out to the parking lot to pick up stray pieces of trash. As he was repeatedly bending over, the ass crack was progressively getting more exposed. He had made his way over to the hoity-toity reserved parking for Administration. It was at this point that everyone's worst fears were realized. Butt Crack Man's pants fell completely down. I'm not talking mid-thigh either; the pants hit the ground. It was at this point the Director of Nursing pulled into her parking spot.
Although she was from the Leona Helmsley school of administration, I don't think she deserved what she was subjected to. As she looked out of the driver's side window, she saw a hairy ass, a penis, and a set of swinging balls staring back at her. I guess she screamed so loud that it managed to escape from her rolled up windows to Butt Crack Man's ears. This startled him and caused him to flee while trying to pull his pants up.
The Director of Nursing flew into the hospital in a rage. She wanted Butt Crack Man's head on a pike. She summoned the departmental manager of Environmental Services and the shift supervisor, poor ol' Melvin. The woman was screaming to Valhalla for blood! "My God, there are sick people here, they can't see that!" she howled. Melvin and the E.S. manager managed somehow to calm her down and almost convince her that it was an accident. She insisted on having Butt Crack Man summoned to the office so that she could impress upon him the seriousness of what happened and how if she ever again caught a glimpse of ANY ass flesh, he would be fired on the spot.
And so Butt Crack Man was summoned to the office.
Of course as you can imagine, Butt Crack Man was terrified. Fear, plus Chili and Cheeze-Whizz covered broccoli eaten earlier for lunch, equals a deadly (and potentially biohazardous) outcome.
As Butt Crack Man sat still and listened to his verbal "reprimand" (thrashing more like), Melvin noticed an odd look come across Butt Crack Man's face. Melvin knew exactly what it was too and frantically started looking for a quick exit. Melvin later recounted the next few moments of what he considers one of the more disgusting things he has ever seen.
"I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS! YOU HAVE A DUTY TO APPEAR PROFESSIONAL AT ALL TIMES WHILE YOU ARE ON THE PROPERTY. IF THIS HAPPENS AGAIN YOU WILL MOST CERTAINLY BE TERMINATED. FURTHERMORE............"the Director of Nursing screamed.
With a pained expression, Butt Crack Man let out one of the loudest and rank farts ever to be witnessed by human ears and noses. Melvin said that the silence that filled the air was as thick as the green mushroom cloud exiting Butt Crack Man's ass. The manager of E.S. was too shocked to move. Melvin just held his breath and waited for the impact. The Director of Nursing looked as though she had been slapped. For what seemed an eternity, time and motion appeared to be suspended.
Then the smell hit the Director of Nursing.
And it was 1.5 seconds later that the Director of Nursing sent a stream of projectile vomit across the room.
And it was 5.5 seconds after that, that she gurgled, "YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED!"
And yes, she did indeed use the F word. I guess a massive dose of intestinal gas will shatter even the hardest of Ice-Queen-Resolve.
Melvin said it took him hours to clean her office up and to get the smell out. To this day he swears that her office has a stench to it.
User Reviews
Submitted by r1nce (user info) at 2005-08-20 23:17:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was great. Nicely done!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-08-17 23:45:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome sweety just awesome. But you never seem too concerned when you see my butt crack.
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-08-17 19:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL and loving it!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-17 18:29:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
green mushroom cloud - heh.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-08-15 10:01:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't care whether this is true or not, it was damned god readin'. Plus 2.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-08-15 08:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Makes the sausage I had for breakfast this morning seem all the tastier.
I used to work as an apprentice for an electrical company, and lemme tell you, they're almost as bad a plumbers.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-15 07:29:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit woman, I'm at work you know. My knuckles are bleeding from forcing them into my mouth to stop myself exploding and I had to tell my boss I had hayfever to explain the tears in my eyes.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-08-15 02:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-14 16:16:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I saw ass crack man at the bowling alley teh other day
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-08-14 14:50:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eeeeexcellent.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-14 11:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Teeheehee.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2005-08-14 09:04:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*pushes nachos he was eating for dinner away, makes tentative chewing motion on food still in mouth then quickly runs to bathroom*
Submitted by jimthefiend (user info) at 2005-08-14 07:52:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahaha
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-14 06:04:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I worry about you sometimes.
This was just gross.
Submitted by testify (user info) at 2005-08-14 03:06:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I doubt the validity of this recount.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-08-14 01:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am going to bed, hopefully the images spawned from this wonderfully constructed post won't keep me up......
Great stuff
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-14 00:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh my! Sorry about that Donovan. Perhaps I should have put NSWE (not safe while eating).
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-08-14 00:11:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, I'm sitting here at work waiting for the last half hour to die, drinking a red bull and eating an eatmore bar and thinking this is one of the strangest stories I've ever read. And that thanks to it, that was one of the worst tasting eatmore bars I've ever had.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-08-14 00:03:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-08-13 23:27:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did I read this?
Lord, no. I don't have time to read Ulysses right now.
Honestly, .shn this motherfuck.
www2.lemonengagement.gov
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-08-13 23:08:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You make me laugh. Maybe one day I'll tell you about "Ball Sack Man"