The Nightmare Penis (1666 hits)
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Rating: 1.74 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Corn Nugget (View user info) at 2005-08-14 12:03:26 EDT
My sister came over yesterday with her family. She cooked dinner while her husband played on his laptop and I horsed around with my nephews. The phone kept ringing, and we kept not answering it.
Why wouldn't we answer the phone? Well, the reason is simple. My neighbor calls a lot. Here are some sample messages:
"Hey... Corinne... I know you're home, and I was calling to see if you wanted to grab a beer..."
"Corinne. Hi. Do you have a five gallon bucket?"
"Hey, it's Sam- next door. I'm calling to see if you want to have a beer."
"Corinne... listen, I know we don't know each other that well anymore... but, lets have a beer and catch up."
I feel molested. Dramatic, I know... but come ON. The guy is in his 40's. He watched me grow up. Now that I live here again, and I'm an adult (officially), does he think "She's ripe for the pickin'!"? Or is he just being friendly? Maybe he's lonely?
In any event, I dislike the situation. I should answer the phone one time, and just say, "Listen, I'm not interested in getting to know you.", but instead I just let the machine pick up, day after day, and cringe when I hear his voice.
So last night we ate dinner and watched a few movies. My sister and her family left around 9:30, leaving me home alone.
I walked through the house, picking army guys up off the floor and throwing away "maps" that my 3 year old nephew had drawn for me. I took two decongestants (I've been all clogged up in the head area since I quit smoking), and crawled into bed with my book. I kept listening for sounds outside of my window, knocks at the door... I was paranoid that my neighbor would take his foolery to the next level.
I mean, not REALLY. I really didn't think he'd be standing outside my window, trying to peer in through the cracks in the curtain. Even though I know there is no decayed corpse attached to the end of the dogs chain, I still have visions of horror every time I stand on the deck and reel it in.
And I still hesitate before getting into my car- worried that someone is laying under it, waiting to grab my ankles.
I often worry that someone has snuck into the house while I was gone, and is silently crouched in the closet, waiting for me to sleep. Then they come and stand over me, with their face just inches away from my own, waiting for me to open my eyes.
Ten minutes later I fell asleep- that wonderful heavy sleep that medication brings on.
A few hours later I was startled awake by my dog. He was standing by the foot of the bed, and panting like crazy. I kicked my foot out and yelled, "GO LAY DOWN!", which normally sends him running.
But not last night. He just stood there, panting like crazy. Not panting in the "I'm so hot" panting way... but in the way dogs pant when they are excited. It made the hair on the back of my neck prickle up.
"Xander, GO!"
He refused to go. He just stood there, his eyes wild looking, his ears back, panting.
I did an angry body-spasm move, and once again told him to go away, and watched him while he slunk out of the room.
He did this three more times within the next hour, and I was half pissed and half freaked out.
Then I started dreaming. I was dreaming the weirdest thing.
I was dreaming that my neighbor had snuck into my house, and was trying to have sex with my feet.
He was poking his penis around at my toes. He was rubbing it along the arch of my left foot.
It was really awful. His penis was hard and cold. He was going to make a mess...
Then Xander jumped on my bed, and pulled me out of this awful dream. The problem with Xander jumping on my bed is this: He's huge and my bed is small. I tried to coax him in to laying down or getting down. He insisted on standing. He stood there with his ass pointing at me, and his nose down near my feet.
My dream came back to me, and I pushed the dog out of the bed, and then I jumped out, fully expecting to find come-stains on my sheet.
Xander and I both stood at the foot of the bed- both of us staring, him looking excited, and me trembling with an odd sort of anticipation. There was an odd shape under the covers. Something penis shaped.
Was someones penis in my bed?
I took the corner of the blanket, mentally braced myself, and then I flung the sheet back.
It was just corn on the cob.
Fucking dog got in the trash.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-14 15:21:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-09-23 13:11:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TOESECKS IS FINE, SAYETH THE CORN SWORD.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and btw corn, there actually is a quite respectable genre of women's sexual fantasy involving dogs
i remmeber one very liteary litle short story about a woman vacuuming the house and ending up sursreding to her dog's interests by lathering her cunt with beef soup
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:52:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well, this was certainly unique and very much to my taste
so what was up with the thurber?
i can't remember reading that one. i know i carried it around in this box full of marijuana for quite some time once, and seemed to regard it as having some great signficance, but i can't remember why
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:49:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
has anybody made the obvous connection with dog cum yet? i'll check and see
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-08-16 00:05:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Corn.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-15 23:49:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-08-15 23:01:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
If I were you i would stop clipping your toenails. That way if some how this dream comes to fruition, and your neighbor rapes your feet you will have a good DNA sample to the cops. Just another safety tip boys and goyles.
--------------------------
always thinkin!
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-08-15 23:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I picked up the gnawed-on corn knob and inserted it deep into my pussy. But there was a problem- no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get Xander to fuck me in the ass. So I broke the corn knob in half. There was a terrible scream. It was actually my neighbor's penis, not a corn knob!
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-08-15 23:01:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I were you i would stop clipping your toenails. That way if some how this dream comes to fruition, and your neighbor rapes your feet you will have a good DNA sample to the cops. Just another safety tip boys and goyles.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-08-15 22:50:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-08-15 21:27:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
JohnnyX... you crack me up on a consistant basis.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:42:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR PEENER ON THE COB
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:44:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never thought I would be afraid of penii.
Thank you for ruining them for me.
Lesbianism here I come!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:14:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sinister
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-08-15 10:56:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by hafguitarist6767 (user info) at 2005-08-14 13:41:09 (#)
Ranking: -1
lame
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This from someone who's yet to write a post that gets a positive rating.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-15 09:01:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-15 07:13:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bless you and your little, cum-covered, socks.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-15 01:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your dog has footsex with your neighbor's corn?
WTF?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-14 19:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're a penis
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-08-14 16:03:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So rather than eat the garbage corn, your dog poked you in the foot with it? What a stupid dog.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-14 16:02:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have the funniest dreams. Next up- ear sex
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-14 15:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Burn his house down in the middle of the night. Problem solved.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-14 15:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Oh God! What riveting drama!
Submitted by Shifty (user info) at 2005-08-14 14:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-08-14 14:44:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, you wanna go grab a beer or what?
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-08-14 14:21:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If that's really how you feel about your neigbour, you should do something about it. Don't let any ideas get into his head.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-08-14 14:06:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-08-14 13:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like a story that ends with a good climax.
Submitted by hafguitarist6767 (user info) at 2005-08-14 13:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
lame
Submitted by NocternalDragon (user info) at 2005-08-14 12:39:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Thored (user info) at 2005-08-14 12:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Eh...
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-08-14 12:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man... I really thought your neighbor was doing something creepy to you.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-14 12:25:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehe. Maybe the dog and the corn were just a diversonary tactic, and your neighbor really *was* having sex with your foot.
What?
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-14 12:11:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BAH HA HA HA HAAAA!!
The last third of this post was fucking hilarious. "His penis was hard and cold. He was going to make a mess."
HA!!
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2005-08-14 12:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-14 12:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know why, but this seriously creeped me out.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2005-08-14 12:06:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehe subcoscious...........