Vlad>Delta Force, Black Hawk Down. (551 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.75 on 5 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by "Uber Village Idiot" Thored (View user info) at 2005-08-14 13:46:15 EDT
Every now and again, I get dragged to play some game, on some platform, and cry at how bad and boring things are getting.
I'll give you an example, someone asked me to try out "Black Hawk Down, Delta Force" with them. This game is everywhere on TV, getting rave reviews. FF7 a game that everyone alive should have played, beaten, memorized, and then had sex with had better graphics. There's 5+ years between these games, and a full "CONSOLE GENERATION" and all this technology can't get me a better game play experience.
Ah, I guess people just can't draw and animate like they used to. This game is boring. Stale. I used a free rental coupon to rent this game, and I want the paper back. At least I could use it for something. If you're going to buy this game, don't. The soldiers who died so this story could be told diserve more than this.
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For content issues, I'll give a more full explaination//Review. Skip past my line of dashes if you don't care.
Gameplay- 6/10.
It's not that the game is bad, it's that it's dated. The game offers a good control system with a few minor issues. In game, it feels like every other war game ever made. Tom Clancy games like Ghost Recon shun this game. However, this isn't designed to be a Tom Clancy game. Shooting your enemy is fairly easy, and the game doesn't allow you to block bullets with your teeth. A couple shots, and you're done. The problem with this game, is that it offers checkpoints, where you continually die until you get it right. This leads you to just memorize the levels. Gunning has never been so boring. What takes the cake is the meatbag AI. Steven Hawking with a pistol would be more dangerous than every allied soldier, and every enemy.
"Now watch, as this guy is getting up off the toliet, proceeding to wipe his ass. Opening the door. Boom!"
Graphics- 5/10. What the hell? Are we in 1999? The character models just look bad. The sights just look bad. The character graphics: are just bad. The only bright spot, is the terrain. Because I like to see vivid deaths, and insane explosions, that's not going to make up for much. The terrain, is nothing unseen before.
Audio- 4/10. Every terrorist has the same warcry. The music is OK, but not varried, and you'll get annoyed with the same tracks over, and over, and over. Footsteps are varried over different surfaces. War games are about big, loud, and powerful gunfire. Somehow, I'm just not impressed.
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The answer to shitty video games: Vlad the Impaler.
If you're eating bread, you're for Hilary Clinton, and suck at history, or you're a homosexual//"metro sexual", don't read past here. Pussies.
That's right bitches, Dracula himself.
Anyone who would impale you, dip his bread in your blood, and then eat it; or someone who was bad-ass enough to lock royalty in a castle, then burn it down needs his own video game.
The game would start with Vlad in his trailer, surrounded by impaled bodies on wooden poles for a fence.
Vlad would go for a walk, and progress to Hilary Clinton inviting Vlad inside for Coffee. Instead of having sex with Hilary, Vlad would make use of a wooden stake.
This game will have it all, fight scenes with gore, people being impaled, and the "FINISH HIM" guy! It would have insane storyline, that follows Vlad on a crusade to take down the video game industry's worst designers, one loaf of bread at a time. The cut scenes, so gory they make "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" look like "The Wizard of Oz".
Then, after the riveting end to the game; you shock them into anal leakage: Based On a true story.
User Reviews
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-08-14 21:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
way to review a game that already came out a couple of years ago on the PC
*waits expectantly for your Pac-Man 2 review*
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-08-14 19:10:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I agree.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-08-14 16:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
A video game review? Jesus Christ, get a life
Submitted by Thored (user info) at 2005-08-14 14:51:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Vlad the Impaler was in Postal.
Postal was a mailman. The game consisted of him trying to kill his wife.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-14 14:15:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Hable inglés, amigo?
Seriously, there's this thing called PROPER FUCKING SPELLING; you might wanna give it a go sometime.
Also, that idea has been done. Maybe you've heard of it? It's called Postal. It didn't turn out very well...