Nitty's Night in the Slammer (2973 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.94 on 112 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by nitty (View user info) at 2005-08-15 10:58:24 EDT
The requested follow-up to this post: http://www.ubersite.com/m/73006
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There I was, driving the 60 miles from my house to the jail I was sentenced to. I left with 2 hours to spare, in case I hit some unexpected traffic. I figured being late to jail would be a bad thing, and the last thing I wanted was to be turned away and have to reschedule.
I stopped on the way and bought 3 packs of cigarettes. I hardly even smoke. Ususally only when I've been drinking, but I figured with 24 hours to kill and nothing else to do I would be able to use them. If for nothing else, maybe I could trade them for something nice. Or maybe buy my way out of an assraping.
Checking into jail was a lot like checking into a fleabag motel in a bad part of town. There was a big glass window with a guard behind it, and there were fliers all over the walls for cab companies and bail bondsmen.
I was told to wait.
After about a half hour, the lady guard tapped on the glass and pointed to a door on the other side of the room. "Go on in. They'll take care of you."
I walked into a small room with bars in front of me. As soon as the door closed behind me (without an exit handle, mind you) the bars slid open and I was ready to be booked.
Name, birthdate, address, social, height, weight, look at the camera, turn to your left, turn to your right. That's all.
For those of you who advised I bring a book: horseshit. NOT allowed. My issue of Golf Digest was taken from me and put into a locker with the rest of my personal effects, including my clothing. I was allowed to keep my boxers on, and the tee-shirt. To wear on top of that I was given a nice, bright, orange jump suit. Orange isn't really my color, but I wore it anyways.
I was asked no questions about sickness or medical problems. Apparently this small-town institution just lumped all us cons in one place, regardless of physical frailty. I was all set to bullshit about some high blood pressure and panic attacks, too. Just to be put into the sick tank, you know?
Sadly, before changing, I had to be searched to make sure I was not in posession of any contraband. Some guard got a good look at places on me even I've never seen. When he decided I was clean, I was allowed to throw on the jumpsuit and I was admitted to 'my' cell.
I say 'my' cell because there were at least 359 other people in the room. One toilet. No paper.
God I was glad I didn't have to use it.
Doing my best NOT to make eye contact, I found a spot on the floor and sat down with my back against the wall. Looking around my first time in the clink, I saw:
A group of Mexicans in one corner. The tallest one was about 4'6" and they all had tats up and down both arms. No one not of the Mexican nationality was anywhere near them. I decided to look elsewhere.
Everyone else was black.
I was one of maybe a half dozen white faces in the entire room. There were cards being played, books being read, and even a few headphones on some ears. I was pissed because I wasn't allowed to bring my reading material with me, but I got over it when the media cart came around. I grabbed an issue of Sports Illustrated circa 1997. Nice.
I read it at least 14 times over the next 11 hours.
Sleep came hard, especially since there was no room to stretch out. There were a few bunks, but they were full with people who, I assume, had far more than one night to spend there. I leaned against that wall and tried to sleep with one eye open. It didn't work too well.
And there were constant interruptions. Since it was a Friday night, every hour or so the cops would come in with a new inmate or 2, usually some drunk who had gotten picked up, but there was at least 2 guys who had been in a fight at a bar, and one lady who I assumed had been out tricking. She got her own cell, that bitch.
Morning came early - around 7. I was exhausted, but happy since half my time was up.
Breakfast. Ugh.
White bread, a slice of American cheese, and mayo. I took two bites, and discarded the rest onto my paper plate. It didn't sit there long before a bohemith black man pointed at it, grunted, and said "You done?"
"All yours, bud." I replied. He finished it in one gulp.
Have I mentioned the cups yet? Upon checkin I was given a tin cup that would be mine for the duration of my stay. I was told I was responsible for cleaning it, and that the cup was to be returned upon my release. At chowtime the guards would walk down the aisle and pour our tasty beverage into cups outstretched through the bars.
It tasted like really, really watered down Kool-Aid. I was thirtsy as fuck, since I had smoked about a pack and a half by that point, so I drank it.
Then it was rec time.
We were allowed out into a huge room that looked like a gymnasium, with guards in all 4 corners above us to make sure we played nice.
No TV.
No Internet.
No basketballs.
No outdoors.
There was a weight section, so thinking 'what the fuck' I went to lift. I don't usually lift on weekends, but I had nothing better to do.
Since it was chest and triceps day in the rotation, I grabbed an empty bench and started pressing. I had only gotten through about 2 sets when a few enormous black men walked up to me, and informed me I was on 'their' bench.
If you think I was going to argue, you're fucking sick in the head. I got my sweet ass out of there, and didn't give a shit that they laughed as I hustled away. Something about being a minority in prison put me in a really accomodating mood.
Only 10 hours left....
I found an old issue of Field and Stream on the floor in one corner, sat down against the wall, lit a smoke, and started to read.
About 10 feet from me a 3-handed card game was beginning on a card table. I looked up, and saw one of the inmates looking at me.
"You play cards?"
"I can."
"You got any more cigarettes?"
"I do."
"You wanna play?"
"Sure."
Looking back, I thank God for my days of playing basketball for the NC travelling AAU team when I was 15. I was one of 3 white guys on a team of 16, and thus I learned to play Tunk, a predominantly black game. The guys were impressed that I knew how to play, and only a little pissed that I had camel lights that weren't menthol to play with.
Luck was on my side, and I won several hands in a row. Twice or three times, I 'Tunked Out' which meant I was to be payed double. After a couple of hours, I had enough smokes to fill my original 3 packs and at least 2 more. Since rec time was over, I thought it best to make new friends so I returned what I had won to the guys. I hate menthols.
Lunchtime. 7 hours left.
Guess what? Cheese sandwiches.
Guess who didn't eat? Me. Same guy made a beeline for me and took my meal without asking. I didn't care.
An hour or so later, I was called by a guard and asked if I wanted to take an anonymous survey for the state.
My level of boredom was borderline psychotic, so I accepted.
I was asked to take a piss test, which was WONDERFUL since I was escorted into a private stall and peed as a guard watched me. When done I asked if he minded if I used the toilet before I left - and he agreed. When given the option, always poop behind closed doors. I've always said that.
The survey was all about violence in jail, my experience, the treatment by the guards, etc... As payment I was given 2 Snickers bars. Gold! I shared them with my card-playing buddies. By then I knew they'd take a blade to the spleen for me.
A half pack of smokes and some more watered down Kool-Aid later, there was a bit of a ruckus.
Apparently, one of the Mexicans had stepped on the foot of one of the brothers in the cell, as the man was trying to sleep. A dozen men got nose to nose, and vulgarity was being shouted in both Spanish and Ebonics. I got as far to the other side of the cell as possible and thought to myself "4 more hours..."
The guards came in with clubs and pepper spray, but didn't use either. Apparently the threat of being sprayed in the eyes does wonder to calm people down.
And I just sat there and smoked.
A couple hours later, they turned me loose early. I got my clothes back, took my magazine, returned the cup in clean condition, and walked through the front doors never to return.
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UM....I call bullshit.
What REALLY happened?
I walked in at 10 till 7 Friday night, gave my name, and took a seat.
10 minutes later the lady at the glass told me they were too full for a weekender, and they were just going to book me in and book me out.
A guard stading at a file cabinet behind her who looked JUST LIKE FARVA turned and gave me a thumbs-up behind her back.
20 minutes later I was with my brother at a bar, drinking Miller Lite and watching the Braves get beat. We went out that night and celebrated.
May God Bless the overcrowded prison systems in North Carolina.
-nitty
User Reviews
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-06-18 18:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by solipsism (user info) at 2005-08-26 16:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
drunk drivers should be hanged
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-25 08:57:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-08-25 00:37:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:35:41 (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth reading.
It did not make me smile.
It is not the kicker of all ass.
Worth reading, I suppose.
Relying on the fact you always receive extremely positive ratings is no excuse to make up a story, then end it with a "just kidding."
I actually agree with this, but I don't break streaks.
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2005-08-25 00:19:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best Ever
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-08-22 20:03:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Solid gold.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-08-17 13:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-17 01:08:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHHAHAHAHA
You had me the whole way. I watch too many movies.
-
[Actually, it wasn't THAT far out.]
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-08-17 01:12:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent! Story #1 was just like the real thing.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-17 01:08:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHHAHAHAHA
You had me the whole way. I watch too many movies.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-08-16 23:44:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If that's meant to be some sort of insult, I apologize for my naivete, but I don't get it and am therefore unoffended.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2005-08-16 21:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No "Chili-dogs" or anything?
Damn fine way to tell a story.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-08-16 20:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-08-16 18:25:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-16 18:02:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-08-16 17:48:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
You tricked me!
Who hasn't at some point?
------------------------------
holy fucking wow.
---------------
I'll see your "holy fucking wow" and raise you a "fucking cold man, i like it"
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-08-16 20:33:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best thing I've read on the site in months.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-08-16 18:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-16 18:02:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-08-16 17:48:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
You tricked me!
Who hasn't at some point?
------------------------------
holy fucking wow.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-16 18:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-08-16 17:48:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
You tricked me!
Who hasn't at some point?
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-08-16 17:48:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You tricked me!
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-16 13:10:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For you dirtball
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-16 12:42:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
Now I've a fan so lets get to the gritty
Given the chance I'd assfuck Nitty
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-08-16 12:33:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz...
Submitted by manicvelocity (user info) at 2005-08-16 11:42:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by iradney (user info) at 2005-08-16 10:54:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
goddamit, you nearly had me going. had this whole mental image of you as a younger, sexier clint eastwood from his dirty harry days, and i was going to write a whole long post about how sexy you are to me now, and how i want to bring you cold beers all day long and admire your prison tattoos and hear you talk about being in the clink...and then you go and burst my bubble *emo-tear*
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-16 09:16:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-16 09:14:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Screenplay:
"I didn't like the mayo on my cheese sandwich, so I scraped it off and used it like Astroglide"
=============================================
Bubba: DOn't mess round and come too quick, I'll clench my ass cheeks and rip yer dick off.
Nitty: I love it when you talk dirty to me.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-16 09:03:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-16 08:37:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Stories about jail > Stories about fucking EGGS
All. Day. Long.
I thought only steers and queers wrote about eggs. I don't see no horns.
--------------------------------
you're right i guess my eggsplanation pales in comparison to your anal porn adventure.
"Slammin it in, in the Slammer' staring Nitty.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-08-16 08:40:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-16 08:17:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Jerk, look at the Heated List
*badass - kickin yer ass on most heated since...well since yesterday*
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-16 05:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
burp
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-16 05:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have no idea what you are talking about.
Be less vague, please.
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-08-16 05:22:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rad, old buddy old pal....
I think you need to renew your meds. The Shenanigans was in reference both to his comment that it was bullshit, AND the Farva reference. Come on dude, don't treat me like I'm enigmatic. I may be a complete fucktard, but I'm not that hard to understand.
ALCOHOLICS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO DRINK ON MONDAYS UNLESS THEY LIVE EAST OF VEGAS YOU SCABBY TWAT
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-16 05:09:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
uh, you didnt read the last part of this, did you?
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-08-16 04:42:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In case someone hasn't yet said this (likely story...)
SHENANIGANS!
That said, my roommate was holed up in Raleigh at Wake Cty. Jail for 2 weeks. They weren't allowed to smoke. No bars either, it was all glass/plastic/polystyrene with fluffy bunnies. And they had cable TV.
Country people frighten me.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-16 02:13:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this earlier and I don't think i reviewed it, but it's a 2 for you.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-16 01:58:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-15 18:30:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Mike00295: You're the oil that keeps the machine running
I thank you, and I'm fairly certain Rad does too
Idiot
---------------------
Absolutely.
I want to stay employed, and I need shitheads in order to maintain my purpose.
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-08-16 01:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done. Both on the excellent story, and the fact that you beat jail time.
Submitted by Thored (user info) at 2005-08-16 00:43:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boo, I wanted prison rape.
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Give me your coktail, fruit.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:16:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha you gonna eat the rest a that cornbread?
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-08-15 18:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice twist... though I was realy enjoying the prison story.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-08-15 18:52:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously nitty, that is awesome. The latter wouldnt have made for a very good story on its own. Way to play it.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-08-15 18:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha... you had me going.
Buttmonkey is just bitter because you're a hottie and he wanted some, and was planning on getting it while you were in jail..
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-15 18:31:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heheheh.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-15 18:30:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Razor: if that piss test had been real, and 'dirty' (even alcohol)
and you had acquiesced to it, you could have been charged with a Felony
in California
Rad: In Cali it's; no cigs in most city/county, but OK in prisons
(they are worth $1 to $3 each in the local lockups)
(elec plug + 2 pieces of pencil lead? >Priceless!)
Mike00295: You're the oil that keeps the machine running
I thank you, and I'm fairly certain Rad does too
Idiot
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-08-15 18:28:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-08-15 18:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-08-15 17:57:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You da man, nitty!
Submitted by brokenlizard534 (user info) at 2005-08-15 17:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahha.
had me going there.
Submitted by m0ke34 (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:40:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I spent a 72 hr stint in jail in the Bronx. They must have the same caterers. The NYPD opted for the butter on the prix-fixe menu instead of the mayo.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:18:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice twist.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I suck? Hows about you be a holla-back girl and return an email every now and then.
Fuckin Oliver.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You suck.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:52:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2nd story is true, thank God.
jager > jail
all. day. long.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:38:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, which story is true?
I hope the second one.
Jail rules.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:08:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK YOU
OBVIOUSLY NOT ME
TELL ME
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I GAVE YOU ANYTHING LESS THAN A +2?
SINCE THAT BABY-WEINER POST?
WHEN?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
y'know, if you were a Negro, I'd bet they woulda made room for ya...
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:53:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:41:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about buttmonkey
User id: 3818
Registered on or around: 2003-11-21 17:03:46
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 9
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0.00
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This HAS to be rad's alter
Well done, radius homogenous.
Well played.
-----------------------
Wouldn't Rad be buttmonkey's alter? buttmonkey is old school.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:43:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:24:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You rock nitty, awesome read.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:41:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Everything you ever wanted to know about buttmonkey
User id: 3818
Registered on or around: 2003-11-21 17:03:46
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 9
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0.00
---------------------------------------------------
This HAS to be rad's alter
Well done, radius homogenous.
Well played.
Submitted by buttmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:35:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth reading.
It did not make me smile.
It is not the kicker of all ass.
Worth reading, I suppose.
Relying on the fact you always receive extremely positive ratings is no excuse to make up a story, then end it with a "just kidding." There's no difference in this than a child in school writing an elaborate story, then ending it with "then I woke up."
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:34:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, that is a fuckin cool thing to have happened.
FUCKIN A
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:31:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The best part was, I was SO mentally prepped to spend a day in the clink that I was almost (a little) disappointed not to experience it.
A few Jager Bombs and several beers later, I was cool with it all.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:28:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Line, hook, and sinker. Nice write.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, Ventes, you lied to me once when you said you didn't love me.
Remember?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:22:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:31:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
TIGERLILLY IS A LIAR.
I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU GOT ASS-RAPED IN JAIL AND YOU ARE TOO SHAMED TO ADMIT TO IT.
LIAR LIARS
---
I may be a lot of things...but I assure you a liar is not one of them.
Submitted by olivia_tremor_control (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:17:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damnit i wanna go to jail!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
isnt a hucklebuck when the maid walks in on...
oh, yeah.
RIGHT ON
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:33:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Does it still count as a lie if she's the one who assraped me?
She gave me the ol' hucklebuck. It was grand.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TIGERLILLY IS A LIAR.
I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU GOT ASS-RAPED IN JAIL AND YOU ARE TOO SHAMED TO ADMIT TO IT.
LIAR LIARS
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:31:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats man!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:03:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
There are 2 Uberpeeps I called upon my quick release - I wanted to share my good fortune.
Still waiting for one of them to chime in here and validate my story.
Fuck I was one lucky bastard.
---
Twas me. I can validate. Funny shit man!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:25:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I did hard time in the jail of my mates Fort for stealing from the treasury.
I ate one of his lemon bonbons.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:21:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nitty, every post you do makes me smile. Keep it up, if only to make me happy. What's really important here?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:41:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well played. Fuck the PO-lice.
-=------------
kiss my ass, idiot.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:05:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:21:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Do they even let you smoke in prison down there?
You can't in PA.
----------
it was jail, not prison.
Submitted by pantsarestupid (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bitch. No fair.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:03:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There are 2 Uberpeeps I called upon my quick release - I wanted to share my good fortune.
Still waiting for one of them to chime in here and validate my story.
Fuck I was one lucky bastard.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:02:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus fucking 2 man, great piece.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:57:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Got me.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:47:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, nice.
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:21:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Do they even let you smoke in prison down there?
You can't in PA.
----------------------------------------------
In designated areas, and times you can. I do know this because i get letters from a high school friend almost every month. The county in Pittsburgh has gone quite PC....for a prison that is!
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:44:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:22:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel cheated.......
I wanted to read about tunneling through the walls behind a poster of Rita Hayworth.
------------------
I believe it was Raquel at the time of the escape, but you got the beginnings right.
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:43:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaa
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:41:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well played. Fuck the PO-lice.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was...awesome.
Submitted by miss_tila (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to see everyting turned out alright.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:38:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:37:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha. Altogether heartwarming.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:36:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice dude.
Nice.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
man, now that was some good fiction. you never went over the top with it, but still managed to keep it interesting. you included some nice details: the card game, the survey, and the best thing of all, you didn't involve any ass raping.
+2
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:31:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Overcrowding!
Here's a true story and a brief look into Swamp's real life.
I worked for Dallas, TX PD for a few years post-military before going into business for myself. One night we arrested some Negro Americans for dope. One had a warrant for felony assault.
Due to city and county jail overcrowding, we took misdemeanor arrests before a judge prior to booking. The majority of the time they were given OR bonds. I figured I'd try and help this misunderstood brotha out and let him get an OR on his weed charge so all he'd have to post bond on was his assault warrant.
This judge gave him an OR for his dope AND his felony assault warrant! His lucky night, right? You bet. Four hours later, he shot two people, killing one - a 12 year-old girl.
Fuck the police.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for a good story, +2 for beating the system.
Submitted by Smithens (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:25:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
top class read as always
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you Nitty, that first part was believable! +2 for having the balls to take a day in the clink, even if it didn't turn out that way.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:22:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel cheated.......
I wanted to hear about "avoiding gang rape in the shower, although it's less of a problem than it used to be. I guess 'you're' losing 'you're' sex appeal."
I wanted to read about tunneling through the walls behind a poster of Rita Hayworth.
I wanted to read about rebuilding a red Mustang with the help of 'Eclipse' and 'first base', driving it through the yard only to be forced to watch the cons destroy it with wooden baseball bats.
I wanted to read about making rafts and life jackets out of contact rubber and contact cement. The dummy heads with real hair glued to them to fool the guards as you explore the facility at night.
I feel cheated Nitts.......
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do they even let you smoke in prison down there?
You can't in PA.
Not that I know anything about that or anything.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:20:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good read
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
{good job on the prison story. Especially the survey. You know the most staff assaults happen AFTER the surveys. the inmates feel they have just that much less to lose. Too bad for them they forget that blanked parties aren't on those surveys.>
<ontheinside>
Submitted by Belimobile (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:16:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One room, 360 men.... you've just gifted me my afternoon daydream. That'll definately get me to knocking off time. God bless you!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ILL TAKE YOUR +2 AND RAISE YOU A +2 FUCKER
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK YOU CRIMINAL
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:13:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Story 2 is true
Rad - I'd have been more of a leech on the taxpayers had I actually stayed the night.
What I was in for there is NO plea bargaining. It's manditory.
I have rarely in my life been as happy as I was when I learned I was getting 'booked in and booked out'
Everyone needs a little luck every now and then
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:12:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So you're saying there was absolutely no ass play? Oh come on! I've seen tons of prison movies and there is always ass play! Does Shawshank Redemption ring any bells?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
they should have thrown away the key.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:11:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good one. I've been in NC for ten years now. I thought everybody made a plea to the court, payed off a lawyer who pays off the judge and cops and you end up with no sentence. Get another lawyer next time.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:10:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really want to -2 this, but I know how you are with the retaliatory -2s.
fish.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:10:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:04:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank God you made it out ok!
If story #1 is true, congrats. Tunk (tonk a little farther north of you) is a great game.
If Story #2 is true, congrats - story #1 was written really well.
-------------
I think I *might* post again after I go in/get out myself.
But I'm looking at 2 weeks, not a nighter.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You don't have to lie man, everyone gets fucked in the ass now and then.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:05:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck you.
leech on the system.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:04:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank God you made it out ok!
If story #1 is true, congrats. Tunk (tonk a little farther north of you) is a great game.
If Story #2 is true, congrats - story #1 was written really well.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:04:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What? No new tat? Nothing?
Man, that's bullshit.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:04:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHA SWEET
I hope I can duck jury duty later this month as easily.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-15 10:59:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
before I read +2 because I know it's gonna be good
Most heated by 3 pm? or at least on the list.