"No, I'm not Handicapped, but my Shit Still Has to Come Out [of my] Asshole!!" -or- "I Was Before I Went In There!!" (1526 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.97 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RyuFu (formerly Chinaman) (View user info) at 2005-08-15 11:26:24 EDT
Before I begin, I would like to communicate my sincerest sympathy to anyone that actually requires use of the handicap stall in the bathroom. Any time I see a parapleg...paraplej...someone in a wheelchair, I think how debilitating it must be. On a very good day, it is at least a severe annoyance to have to rely on machines and other people to accomplish everyday tasks. Granted, I'm just generalizing here, as I'm sure there are plenty of wheelchair-bound folk that are entirely self-sufficient. But they still require more help or need to exert more effort to accomplish regular tasks than does the average lazy fuck (i.e. myself). I'm also leaving out old people with canes and everyone else that needs to use the oversize stall. I honestly, sincerely apologize to you if I offend you in any way.
That being said, I love using the handicap stall.
It's not out of insensivity that I do so, however. In order to understand the benefits of the handicap stall--particularly of the one where I work--you need to understand the environment.
There are 4 urinals and 5 stalls in the bathroom on my floor. The 4 piss-drinkers are pretty much the same, no real distinction. The 5 stalls, however, each have their own personalities. They are so different, in fact, that I have to refer to them by their different names:
1) The first stall past the urinals is Shorty. For whatever reason, the toilet in this stall is six inches lower than the other ones. He may not have the attractive high toilets of the other stalls, but he'll happily flush away a moderate amount of toilet paper and fecal matter.
2) Stall number two is Cranky. Because of some shoddy craftsmanship, stall 3 squeezes this stall so much that you have to pull the door tug-o-war hard in order for it to close. Cranky's toilet shares this sentiment; in order to flush, you have to jiggle the handle, stomp on it with your feet, light a voodoo candle and say a silent prayer. And that's on a good day.
3) Stall number three is Cranky's fraternal twin, Pranky. The same craftsmanship that keeps Cranky's door tightly closed makes Pranky's door very loose, causing it to swing wide open in mid-shit. This is a good time to mention that the bathroom stalls are directly across the mirrors. And the stalls are far enough away so that basically anyone in the bathroom can see what's inside Pranky from any angle. Don't jerk off in this stall; Pranky will wait for you to get to the point of no return before opening up to a room full of execs. Incidentally, depending on Pranky's mood, the toilet in this stall will clog randomly, regardless of the amount of shit and paper.
4) This guy's name is Smelly. He is very average (amount of space, tightness of door, flushability of toilet) other than the fact that he's hiding a rotting skunk somewhere in the confines of his walls. I've stolen the custodian's Lysol before to try and override this funk, but to no avail. Woe be unto the fellow shitter that finds all the other stalls in use. Unless that shitter be the one that placed the rotting skunk in there to begin with.
5) Ah, we finally have arrived at Handy. Handy is my favorite, favorite, favorite stall. Everything about him is perfect. The size of the stall gives me some legroom, so that my knee isn't scraping the toilet paper dispenser thing in the wall. The toilet is a few inches higher, which gives me perfect shitting position. The door opens and closes with no fuss, the toilet flushes even the worse case of last-night's-Taco-Bell-and-ice-cream. Also, because this stall is all the way in the back corner of the bathroom, Handy gives you that extra sense of privacy that you just can't get from the other stalls. For instance, someone taking a piss at the urinal can easily identify the shitter in Shorty if their shoes are distinctive enough.
Now you see why I enjoy shitting in Handy. Now you have the proper context of the following situation.
Last week, after having lost between 2 and 4 pounds in Handy, I walked out with a very relaxed look on my face. As I was washing my hands, I thought I heard the guy next to me give a little "hmph." I frowned slightly, but didn't want to react to this dude in case he was choking on a hairball or something. But then he gave another little "hmph," this time while shaking his head and fixing his tie. Nothing annoys me more than bigwigs in bathrooms fixing their ties.*
*Lots of things annoy me more than that.
"Is there a problem?" I was nonchalant about it.
"Um, YEah.." He did that thing where you over-emphasize the first part of the "yeah" so as to point out that the topic of conversation should have been obvious.
"Well...what is it?"
"Ugh...you used the handicap stall."
"Yeah, well, there wasn't anyone using it." (And it's the best stall, cuntrag).
"All the other stalls were empty, weren't they?" So?
"So?"
"Wouldn't you feel the slightest bit bad if a handicapable person walked in and didn't have access to the only stall they could use?"
No he did not. He did not just use the word "handicapable." Any credibility he had was gone like a fart in a hurricane.
"You know, if someone was handi-'capable,' wouldn't they be 'handy' or 'capable' enough to use a different stall?"
"You insensitive son of a--"
"No, listen, douche," like I would allow myself to be called an SOB by a douche, "I was just pointing out how ridiculous it is to use that terminology. The fact is, I've been working here for over a year now, and I have yet to see anyone in a wheelchair in or around either of the three buildings!" Our site comprises three buildings, including one veeerrry tall one.
"That doesn't mean no one with a disability will ever need to use that stall."
"Look, if I'm in the middle of a shit and some dude in a wheelchair starts banging on the door, I'll gladly relinquish my porcelain throne as soon as I shoot out the rest of it."
"You're selfish."
"Fine! I'm selfish, fine! I enjoy shitting in the luxury that is that handicap stall, fine! You know what? If the other 4 stalls are taken and my shit still has to come out [of me] asshole! A handicapped person is just as likely to walk in if all 5 stalls are taken than if only the handicapped one is!!"
I was convinced that my logic would shut him up, so I finished drying my hands and stormed past this cockfuck. As I closed in on the exit, however, he had to get in the last word.
"You just shouldn't have used the stall since you're not handicapped!"
I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around. Jeff Foxworthy's standup bit about using the handicap stall invaded my brain. Before I could stop myself,
"I was before I went in there!!"
We both stood in silence. The douche, with his mouth agape, his hand still on his tie. The look he had was similar to one I imagined him having if I told him I butt-raped his daughter.
Realizing that I had actually silenced him, I turned around and walked out of the bathroom, doubly satisfied.
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 04:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-08-20 03:32:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-08-18 00:35:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To clarify, ak is a type of top $ pot, not a gun.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-08-18 00:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go home. ++++ (So glad I don't work in public, I'd be so fired the first day, with or without extra big toilet stalls: the scent of AK-47 alone would do me in.) This was gold.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-08-16 08:22:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HadToBe: Totally understandable. I wouldn't put it past certain Uberers to mimic the title of this post and put tubgirl in it.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-16 02:06:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for every aspect of this post.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-16 01:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I kind of lingered around after I saw this go up. The title made me VERY wary. That little voice in the back of my head kept saying "It might be tubgirl."
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-08-16 01:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I use the handicap stall too. Why should the gimps get all the perks in life??
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2005-08-16 00:55:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love toilet humor
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-08-16 00:02:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
10106
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-15 23:39:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I use the handicapped stall simply because I have a fear of touching the walls.
Or when the door swings inward and you need to back up and your leg hits the toilet.
<shudders>
Yeah, I use the handicapped stall and I don't care what people think.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:10:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Peon: the 4 urinals and 5 toilets are nice, but there's like 300 people on the floor. It's rare to find the bathroom empty, although there is usually a choice of 2 or 3 toilets.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:50:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:31:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
poopreport.com
Here's the other thing. in the context of the handicrapper I feel I am eligible to use it. I am 6' 5" and have broad shoulders. using the other stalls is at best deifficult and many times plain impossible.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:04:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+3
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:50:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I work in an office with 12 people, and ONE toilet.
I envy you.
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I refuse to shit in any toilet that isn't mine. The very few times this rule has been broken, I "broke the plane" of the waterline and/or needed to flush twice!
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:50:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ohh, J-dawg...you and your chum-chum are always up to some crazy antics!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My toilet is named, "Sucky," because he sucks down loads of toilet paper.
Also because I stick my chum-chum into it and when I flush it feels good.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ozzy: I love you man. "Bunker Buster," haha..
Teeph: Trudat about the weight loss. I mean, doesn't it make you feel better knowing roughly how much lighter you are?
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeezus.
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:22:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:41:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
You know what, ozzy? I did forget to mention the bars. I don't use them too often, but it's nice knowing they're there
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Use the bars wisely; note they can also be used for added leverage and something to hold onto when squeezing out a massive bunker buster.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:19:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, another +2 for letting me know I'm not the only guy out there who tries to guestimate how much weight he just lost after visiting the loo.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:18:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad I'm not the only one with a bathroom hierarchy.
Wierdly though, I never use the super luxurious handicapable stall. I think on some level I'm afraid I'm going to catch MS or something.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:14:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:55:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:55:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:50:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do the same thing in my office. But here there is a separate "handicapable" bathroom. This place should be on Cribs, its real nice.
--------
"in order to flush, you have to jiggle the handle, stomp on it with your feet, light a voodoo candle and say a silent prayer"
-This was the best line.
Good shit
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:48:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been thinking about doing a similar post but now that you've done a good job with this I can cross it off my list.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know what, ozzy? I did forget to mention the bars. I don't use them too often, but it's nice knowing they're there.
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA. nice
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:40:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Limp and drool.
That wasn't at all witty was it? would 'no comment' have been better?
Probably.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:37:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold!
I know what you mean about the handicapped stall too. What's not to like? Enough leg room for a game of post-grogan squash, and awesome handles to ease the landing gear on a chilly toilet seat.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:35:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Someone else did a shitting story a few weeks ago, it was funny.
So is this one.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unlike Costanza, I don't like the handicapped stall.
It feels too tall for me. Not what I'm used to. No home field height advantage.
But +2 for a kickass story.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:32:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is for the title. I will read your post after I pee.