Come on, clock!! (More Random Thoughts) (1409 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: randomthoughts
Rating: 1.71 on 59 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom Sorrell - sorrelltr.at.hotmail.com (View user info) at 2005-08-15 11:36:08 EDT
The Red Sox game starts in about eight hours, and the damnable clock cannot move fast enough. I'm sitting here staring at the clock, watching the minutes tick by v-e-r-y ... s-l-o-w-l-y and trying to keep my mind occupied, so I decided to write this to kill some time. See, I've never been a really patient person. I will stand in front of the microwave and stare at it, trying to will it to go faster. I'll push an elevator button and keep pushing it until it comes. I yell at red lights to turn green. This morning I drove around the gates at a railroad crossing to beat a train, but in my defense, I was late, the train was moving slow, and it was far enough away for me to drive across with no risk. The best part of the ordeal was seeing the guy in the Subaru look at me like I had lost my mind as I raised my fist triumphantly to the sky upon crossing successfully.
Anyway, I need to kill some time, so here's some random shit that's in my head.
Did you know that the mom in "A Christmas Story" (Melinda Dillon) is the same woman who played Suzanne Hanrahan, the lesbian ex-wife of the goalie of the same name in "Slap Shot"? (If you've seen Slap Shot, you know that her sexual preference leads to one of the funniest scenes in the movie: Newman skates around the net and yells out: "Hey Hanrahan! Suzanne sucks pussy! She's a dyke!" - The way Hanrahan looks up at Newman in complete shock is priceless.). That's all well and good, but there's one problem with this. See, my mind works in odd ways, and I now have it in my head that the mom (whose first name in "A Christmas Story" is never revealed - she's only known as "Mrs. Parker") decided that she didn't want to be a lesbian anymore and had to start her life over. Because of this, she left the Pennsylvania area for good and wound up meeting Ralphie's father who convinced her to settle down in Indiana and have kids ... and now you know why I can never look at "A Christmas Story" the same way.
Also, a quick note. "Bubba" from Forrest Gump is the same guy who played "Bird," the quarterback who replaces Woody Harrelson in "Wildcats" because Woody "can throw good and run good, but can't do both good."
My wife and I have a routine on Friday nights. We like to rent movies, put on our pajamas, order pizza, and stay in for the night. We never sat down and decided to do it. I cannot recall either of us saying, "Hey, let's turn into pajama-wearing hermits on Fridays." It just kind of happened one night. After doing it a few times, we discovered that we liked it so much that we've done it ever since. There's only one problem. The pizza delivery guy. For some reason I feel the need to make the pizza guy think we're NOT hermits, and I refuse to answer the door in my pajamas when he delivers the pie. I will actually put on a pair of jeans, shoes, and a hat to open the door so I look like even though I'm about to eat I pizza, there is still a chance that I might be going out later to "get my drink on," as the kids say. Also, I like to make sure that there is some type of sporting event on the television when I open the door. The desired effect is the pizza guy will see me and say: "Wow, a baseball game and a pizza followed by a wild night of drinking at a local club. That is very cool. I wish I was this man. This man is so cool, I am going to give him this pizza at no charge. That is how cool this man is."
Speaking of pizza, I have a new favorite. Domino's thin crust with pepperoni, sausage, and every so often a scant amount of banana peppers. Mmmmm. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water. Is there a better pizza than thin crust? They have the four corner pieces that erupt with pizza-y goodness every time you eat one. I can't even get them on a plate. I eat them as soon as I open the box. It's like eating a cherry tomato after it's been on a charcoal grill for a few minutes. When you bite into it, the insides are all warm and it kind of explode into your mouth as the juices run down your ... good God. It's like I'm describing the end of a porno. Great, now I can no longer enjoy a cherry tomato.
I think it would be awesome to gain about a hundred pounds and not shower for a month. I'd be all sticky and gooey and smelly. There'd be pizza boxes everywhere and wrappers from various candy bars and ice cream cones - namely Drumsticks, the vanilla ones. I LOVE those things. I could eat those for breakfast lunch and dinner, and if my goal was to actually gain a hundred pounds, I would do just that. Discarded Drumstick wrappers would surround me like a massive Drumstick army. I'd be like Colonel Kurtz at the end of Apocalypse Now, only without the crazy Dennis Hopper character. The bottom line is, I'd basically just be one big pile of disgusting sitting on my couch. Then, when the putrid stench, greasy body filth, and garbage had built up to an almost intolerable level, I would call a prostitute and make her come to my apartment to love me repeatedly as penance for her career choice. Of course, I'd shit-talk her the entire time, too. "LOVE MY FAT! LOVE IT! YOU DESERVE THIS! YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE THIS!"
The troll who works across from me is one of the nosiest people I've ever encountered. She's one of those people who HAS to know what you're doing, so every few minutes she'll get up and venture over to my side and "casually" glance over at my monitor. Now, for some people, this turn into a problem; however, I've turned it into a fun little game. Because I can watch her getting ready to make the journey over to my side, I minimize Uber, e-mail, or whatever else I may be doing (even if it happens to be work) each time she stands up. Then I sit with my hands folded like an alter boy and stare at a blank screen until she goes back to her seat. Some times this takes up to five minutes as she "does busy work" on my side of the office. There I am the entire time, sitting staring at the screen without moving. As you can see, this is basically the adult equivalent of a staring contest, and I WILL NOT BLINK! As soon as she sits down, and I mean that literally, the second her ass hits the seat, I open up whatever I was doing and go back about my business. This is slowly driving her insane and I absolutely love it. I figure by this time next year her brain will be nothing more than a quivering mound of goo, and the thought of this makes me smile and hug myself tightly.
User Reviews
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2005-08-23 15:28:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FYI - you shouldn't stand in front of a microwave too much. Trust me on this one.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-17 16:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You must really hate the Tigers now..........and me
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-16 17:22:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's nothing personal, but fuck the Tigers and fuck you.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-16 16:50:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
t minus just over two hours for another heroic Tiger's victory
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-16 13:47:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll look forward to the post
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-08-16 13:29:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
another +2 for letting me drop this ad here!
Vol.3 has been released!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/73277 <----Go Vote mang
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-16 13:12:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I got two pics of them, by the way. Luckily their pics are somewhat blurry. I'll be posting them on here at some point.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-16 13:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes, I was thinking of you when the streakers took to the field. I actually ordered them up for you since you were in town. Hope you liked them.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-16 09:30:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yea, I'm absolutely fucking dragging today, thanks to what happened and the fact that I got home late. I want to write up a report of the game (there were streakers that hopped the fence about 10 feet to my right), but I don't know if I can think straight enough to do so. Plus I don't have the pictures on a CD yet, and I want to post a few of them with the write up. Maybe I'll just do a write up, then post the pictures only the next day.
Regardless, I finally get to see Schilling pitch live and he blows a save... Argh!!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-16 09:07:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-16 08:36:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Herpes, forget it. I'm a bag of ass today after last night's shenanigans. I need to go to sleep tonight.
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Shenanigans? hahahaha
Maybe it's time Shilling hangs it up till next yr huh?
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-16 08:36:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Herpes, forget it. I'm a bag of ass today after last night's shenanigans. I need to go to sleep tonight.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-16 02:03:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:30:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so going to do this now... To my boss. It'll drive him nuts. It's sheer awesomeness, bottled.
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The troll who works across from me is one of the nosiest people I've ever encountered. She's one of those people who HAS to know what you're doing, so every few minutes she'll get up and venture over to my side and "casually" glance over at my monitor. Now, for some people, this turn into a problem; however, I've turned it into a fun little game. Because I can watch her getting ready to make the journey over to my side, I minimize Uber, e-mail, or whatever else I may be doing (even if it happens to be work) each time she stands up. Then I sit with my hands folded like an alter boy and stare at a blank screen until she goes back to her seat. Some times this takes up to five minutes as she "does busy work" on my side of the office. There I am the entire time, sitting staring at the screen without moving. As you can see, this is basically the adult equivalent of a staring contest, and I WILL NOT BLINK! As soon as she sits down, and I mean that literally, the second her ass hits the seat, I open up whatever I was doing and go back about my business. This is slowly driving her insane and I absolutely love it. I figure by this time next year her brain will be nothing more than a quivering mound of goo, and the thought of this makes me smile and hug myself tightly.
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One of my co-workers just got that in an email.
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-08-16 01:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-08-16 01:23:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How much is really cheap? I'd rather they go to waste then have to go out of my way for minimal amounts of cash.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-15 17:02:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:41:19 (#)
Ranking: 0
I've got 4 VIP tickets with parking included to Tuesday's game, but I'm not going to be able to make it.
I'd hate for these things to go to waste.
----------------
I'll grab them if that makes you feel better
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
But herpes, I won't be able to check my e-mail until late tonight. I'm leaving directly from work for the game today.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to go but my friends are lame and were afraid to ask their wives for a hall pass
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Herpes, e-mail me. sorrelltr.at.hotmail.com
I will take them off your hands if you're willing to part ways with them for cheap ... or better yet, free.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:41:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've got 4 VIP tickets with parking included to Tuesday's game, but I'm not going to be able to make it.
I'd hate for these things to go to waste.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:30:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so going to do this now... To my boss. It'll drive him nuts. It's sheer awesomeness, bottled.
--------------------------------
The troll who works across from me is one of the nosiest people I've ever encountered. She's one of those people who HAS to know what you're doing, so every few minutes she'll get up and venture over to my side and "casually" glance over at my monitor. Now, for some people, this turn into a problem; however, I've turned it into a fun little game. Because I can watch her getting ready to make the journey over to my side, I minimize Uber, e-mail, or whatever else I may be doing (even if it happens to be work) each time she stands up. Then I sit with my hands folded like an alter boy and stare at a blank screen until she goes back to her seat. Some times this takes up to five minutes as she "does busy work" on my side of the office. There I am the entire time, sitting staring at the screen without moving. As you can see, this is basically the adult equivalent of a staring contest, and I WILL NOT BLINK! As soon as she sits down, and I mean that literally, the second her ass hits the seat, I open up whatever I was doing and go back about my business. This is slowly driving her insane and I absolutely love it. I figure by this time next year her brain will be nothing more than a quivering mound of goo, and the thought of this makes me smile and hug myself tightly.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:27:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Weren't you thinking about going? What happened with that?
I'm HYPED.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
t- minus 3 hrs before the Tigers beat up on the Sox
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:41:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:07:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope they get shut out.
And Manny breaks his arm tying his shoelace.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:41:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There's always someone who shits in the apple pie. Sox haters, don't collectively be that someone.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:24:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear Spoonie Penn,
I'm coming to PA to murder you.
Love Always,
Tom
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:20:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
P.P.S.- Everything of and relating to the Red Sox is putrid.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:17:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Tom,
I read this and I hate this and I hate you.
Love,
Spencer
P.S.- I lied.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, no.
The best logo in all of sports was the Hartford Whalers. The way they hid that "H" in the white space.
Second only to the old Milwaukee Brewers, which I looked at for years before I realized the glove was just an "M" and a "B" arranged in a clever way.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:47:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Putrid logo? HA! It's quite simply the BEST logo in all of sports.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go.
Sox.
Woo.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:10:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"YOU DESERVE THIS!" was so funny, I'll even overlook those four copies of that putrid logo!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:10:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How effervescent.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't Flick grow up to do a couple of porn movies?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:30:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another +2 for Slapshot
Favorite quotes:
Reg, Reg, that reminds me. I was coachin' in Omaha in 1948 and Eddie Shore sends me this guy who was a terrible masturbator. He would get deliberate penalties so he could get over in the penalty box all by himself and damned if he wouldn't . . .
Reggie Dunlop: You know, your son looks like a fag to me.
Anita McCambridge: I beg your pardon?
Reggie Dunlop: You better get re-married soon, or he is going to have a cock in his mouth faster than you can say Jack Robinson.
Anita McCambridge: How dare you.
--------
So priceless. God bless that movie. One of my buddies once got to meet Bill Goldthorpe, the guy the directors based the character Ogie Ogelthorpe on. Sad thing is, the characterization of him in the movie may have been an understatement. There were rumors that he had to have police escorts to his games.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:26:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:23:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Papa Johns thin crust!
---------
*sprays jizz all over office*
Ah dude, now I'm totally gonna have to steal more paper towels from Mcdonalds.
Submitted by Vulva (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:23:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Papa Johns thin crust! Bacon and pepperoni...and that little shaker of seasoning and the garlic butter they give on the side!
Now thats a pie!
Aside from a baja chicken chalupa from Taco Bell, I can't think of a food I tem I would rather make love to with my mouth.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As an employee at Domino's Pizza, all I have to say to you is: "HAHAHAHAHA!!! You wouldn't eat that if you knew what we do to thin crust pizzas w/pepperoni on them!!"
Just kidding... That was a one time occurrence...
...ok, twice.
...the third time didn't count, that was my bosses pizza.
...you know what? I'm gonna stop.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit man, I just read the last paragraph and it's good enough for a +2. HA!
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:15:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:06:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:01:49 (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, I see. You're just insane.
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Screw you 'Tom', if that is your real name. I am not insane. I'm just feeling a little chipper.
Is that all right 'Tom'? Is that 'acceptable' for you? Or would you prefer I went back to being consumed with tired, doubting thoughts?
Your a bad man Tom. Jihad on you.
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Starts to +2 Berty's last 5 posts.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:12:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
MB: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0932112/
#37 and #25
He was also in Con Air, Heat, Three Kings, and a few other movies that were pretty well known.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:09:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Scott Farcas. he had yellow eyes, YELLOW EYES!
B-e s-u-r-e t-o d-r-i-n-k y-o-u-r O-v-a-l-t-i-n-e? A crummy commercial?
---
As a Indiana resident it was cool to watch that movie as a kid and try and figure out where we could try to do things from the movie in our town. (i.e. my jackass cousin licking a flag pole in mid-December)
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:09:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well bugger me backwards with a stiff wire brush it appears that you were right!
Have a +2
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:08:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ha ha, Berty.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:01:49 (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, I see. You're just insane.
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Screw you 'Tom', if that is your real name. I am not insane. I'm just feeling a little chipper.
Is that all right 'Tom'? Is that 'acceptable' for you? Or would you prefer I went back to being consumed with tired, doubting thoughts?
Your a bad man Tom. Jihad on you.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:02:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bubba from Forest Gump and the QB from Wildcats? I'm usally shit hot on spotting who played who in other movies. A case in point yesterday I was watching City Slickers and noticed a very young Jake Gillenhall playing one of Billy Crystals kids.
I'm not sure about this one though I think it needs investigating. I'll be back once I find out and rate you then.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, I see. You're just insane.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-15 12:01:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1) No one... NO ONE puts Madden to shame. I don't think he's even alive, really. They just use random words and phrases on a loop while electroshocks keep him mouth moviing.
OH... Tom, did you play Madden yet?
I'm SERIOUSLY pissed that I paid $50 for last years game with this years rookie players.
Played it for 2 hours, took it back, and used it as a trade in for NCAA 06.
THAT kicks ass.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:58:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:49:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty, are you high?
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No, quite the opposite. I have only had two cups of coffee today, well three if you include the morning coffee. I don't normally include the morning cup because that's just a jump start if I can't be arsed to exercise you know? I also skipped on my lunch time ciggamerette (I'm trying to cut down on my routine smoking, for cost of course. I'm not some fag who's afraid of cancer or anything). ANd I need a poo but my boss is makiing me a coffee.
I also had a very relaxing weekend so I've got lots of serotonin (sp?) in my noodle.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:50:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
True, baseball is an entierly different game in person. However, I've found the best way to watch is with a couple of beers and a magazine, without any sound. The absolute worst part of televised baseball is the color commentary after the fith or six inning, when they're completely run out of stuff to talk about. The sox especially, I think, have this one old guy who manages to put Madden to shame with his nonsensical rambling.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:49:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty, are you high?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:48:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG! I reviewed a post by some dude called Tom and I thought it was you but it wasn't it was another Tom and like, Oh My GOD! You know?
Doesn't matter. It was all a big pile of ghey anyway.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll admit that I can't watch it on TV unless it's the Sox, but going to a game when your favorite team is playing is completley different. Especially when your seats are as good as mine.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:40:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Isn't watching baseball sort of like watching minutes tick by on a clock?
I mean, seriously, how often can a pitcher scratch himself before throwing the damn ball?
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:40:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
For randomness but Dominoes is not pizza.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for A Christmas Story
Red Cabbage, again?
You love red cabbage, Ralphie!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-15 11:38:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Go Tigers
Oh who am I kidding....just getting one game this series would be an accomplishment