Job Security (756 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Fiction
Rating: 1.9 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kaos-king (View user info) at 2005-08-15 12:55:35 EDT
So a goblin and a troll walk into a bar and, what? No, this isn't a joke. Shut up, let me finish. So, like, they walk up to the bar and... wait, what? No... no. No, there isn't a priest or a rabbi. There is no pregnant nun. Will you shut the fuck up! Now let me tell the story! A Goblin and a Troll! This is a fairy tale, god damn it! Okay? Good.
So a goblin and a troll walk into a bar. They wander on up to the front and climb up on the stools, although this proves more than a little bit of a problem for the troll. Ya' know, 'cause he's a fucking troll. Anyhow, they proceed to order drinks. The goblin orders an armertto sour and the troll orders a double scotch. Why the goblin gets such a fou-fou drink, I don't know, but the troll decides to rib him about it.
"I thought only fairies drank that kinda stuff."
"Technically, we're both fairie folk."
"Shut up."
Commence Drinking. After a couple (lots) of glasses consumed, they goblin and the troll begin complaining about their jobs. The goblin has a gig scaring two children at a house in the suburbs. Your typical boogeyman type practice. Hide under the bed, in the closet, even behind the fish tank. It pays well, for little work. He has fun doing it, but is beginning to burn him out. Every day, the same kids. He constantly has to find new ways to scare the little shits.
In contrast, the troll has a bridge. Yes, a bridge. He wrote a letter to his appointment committee when he was placed, saying it was racist, but never heard back. In any case, it turned out all right. Lots of teenagers come down there to party, and that keeps him busy. Weird shadows and noises, mysterious debris and dead animal parts. Pretty fun over all. But there's a lot of down time, especially in the winter. Things can get boring.
The goblin's neighbor comes in the bar. He's a gremlin. He's been in charge of keeping the old man's prized 1969 Corvette from running. He looks like shit. The old man has been pouring every nickel into that car, and pretty soon the gremlin knows he's going to have to get re-assigned. You can only do so much. The third member to the little party downs an Irish Car Bomb and orders a second.
"Maybe we could all switch off for a couple of days," offered the troll.
"I've thought about that," mused the goblin.
"Man, do you know how much trouble we'd be in," said the gremlin.
"Demotion and reassignment, that's all," explained the troll.
"It would probably be worth it," whispered the goblin.
"We are all pretty close to our next jobs," thought the gremlin out loud.
6:16 - THE BRIDGE
Three teenagers climber down the embankment to the bottom to the ravine, laughing. School may suck, but they had a fat ass bag of pot to make everything all right. Some of their idiot friends wouldn't come down to the bridge, said this shit was haunted. What fucking morons. Pussy's would rather pass up some good smoke.
"Light that bitch up, Steve!" squealed Ethan.
"I got it," said Brent.
Brent produced a pyrex bowl, full of colors that mesmerized them once they were fully stoned. He packed the head full, and fumbled for his lighter.
"Either of you guys got the gift of flame?"
As both searched for lighters, a gale of wind started up.
"Let's move under the bridge," said Steve.
Ethan seemed a little reluctant, but the promise of weed pushed him. Once under the cover of stone and steel, they got the bowl lit. The wind howled through the underpass, the sound of a scream echoing though. Pieces of wood and small pebbles swirled around their feet.
"Let's get fucked up and then let's get the fuck outta here," said Ethan.
"What, you fuckin' scared?"
"Dude, this place is creepy as shit."
"I think it's cool," said Steve.
"I don't know. I think Doug was right, there's some Bad Mojo Risin' here."
Just then, splinters from the wooden braces along the top of the bridge came firing down at them. Yelping, it drove them closer to the edge of the stone side. In their pain and confusion, Brent dropped the glass bowl.
"Fuck!"
"Dude, let's get outta here!"
"It was just a car going over head. I gotta see if the bowl is salvageable."
Ethan and Steve heard the laughing as Brent was bending over the bowl. Had a car actually been driving over above them, the passengers might have heard the screams as the glass shards came flying up into Brent's face.
8:39 - THE GARAGE
Dennis couldn't believe it. The car had finally turned over. After all the time and money he had put into his baby, after all the prayer and cursing... the thing was finally going to run. Janey was going to have to eat her words, that was the best part. She had been so bitchy the last few weeks.
So he had missed a few of her worthless meals. She was a horrible cook. At least he didn't have to sit at the table with his family. Sitting there, starring at two daughters, fatter than his wife, who he would probably never marry off. Christ, they would be here forever. And his son. What a little faggot. Of course he was a fag. All those books on science and bugs. Never picked up a football or a car magazine in his life. Jesus, what a disappointment.
That's why he had bought the car. Something to help him escape. And if he didn't need a little escape time every now and again, who did? He was supposed to of own his own custom shop by now, not still be working at the plant where his father had died. That's not the life he had wanted. Of course, Janey wasn't suppose to have ballooned up to over 200 pounds, either. Christ on crack, he didn't think...
Giggle.
What the fuck was that? Sounded like someone laughing. Dennis looked around, but found the garage empty. Probably his faggot son looking at unicorns or something. He grabbed the low boy to roll under the car. Maybe that sound was a gurgle? He hoped the oil wasn't catching somewhere.
Underneath, he was inspecting the belts when he heard the sound again. What was that? It distinctly sounded like a small child laughing. Like a chuckle. He tilted his head from side to side, peering around for feet but nothing. Back to the carburetor, he...
Green face, long pointed ears, black eyes, a mouth wider than possible. Three rows of teeth as sharp as hypodermic needles.
Dennis screamed. He tried to wiggle his way out of under the car. His arm hit the jack with considerable force. His face was under the tire when it came crashing down.
Giggle.
10:42 - THE BEDROOM
Mikey was six. When he had turned five, he had been given his own room separate from his big sister, Jenny. Jenny was eight, therefore almost an adult. He hadn't wanted his own room. Jenny was a big girl, and had protected him from the monster that came out after dark. She was never scarred of it and would shoo it away. Now, with his own room, Mikey had to wait every single night for the monster to come lurking in the shadows.
Tonight was the same as every night. Daddy read him one of his favorite bedtime stories after he had finished brushing his teeth. Mommy came in to kiss him goodnight and both tucked him into bed. They promised him that no monsters where under the bed or in the closet. They even checked both places for him. But Mikey knew it was a sneaky monster. It was probably hiding behind the fish tank, but he didn't say anything. They turned off the lights and wished him pleasant dreams.
Mikey rolled over and shut his eyes very tight. Maybe tonight he would fall asleep before the giggling would begin. That was the worst part. It sounded kinda like his big sister but he knew it was the monster. It would come from all different parts of the room, and then his bed would begin to shake. If he looked up he would see the door knob to his closet turning or a face all streched out behind the plants of the fish tank. Sometimes he could feel the hands reaching up...
Mikey felt wet. Oh no! Did he get so scarred he peed the bed? Mommy and Daddy would be so mad. They would think he was a baby! Wait, the pee was by his head. He couldn't pee all the way up by his head, could he? But it was warm like when he had peed the bed when he was little. Maybe he should just take a peek.
He looked above himself and saw a new monster. Part of a monster. No, parts of a puppy. They were dangling above him like puppets on strings, right out of his kid shows. It wasn't pee that was on his head. It was blood. Puppy blood.
Mikey was still screaming when his parents came in to find him drenched in blood and covered in the severed parts of the neighbor's dog.
11:02 - OUTSIDE BY THE STOP SIGN
The goblin, the troll, and the gremlin all gathered around the street corner. They shuffled their feet, none of them really wanting to look at the others. The goblin lit up a cigarette. The gremlin commented on what a clear night it was.
"So, eh... how did it go?" asked the troll, tentatively.
"Ummm, okay, I suppose," offered the goblin.
"It could have been worse," supplied the gremlin.
"Sounds about right," said the troll.
"Listen, I had a slight, eh, altercation," stuttered the goblin.
"Yeah, that's how to phrase it," said the gremlin.
"Well, you might as well know, I had an incident, too," admitted the troll.
"Really?" asked the goblin.
"I think I severely psychological damaged your child," said the troll.
"I maimed a grass smoking teenager," said the gremlin.
"I killed a man with the car," said the goblin.
"You killed the mother fucker!"
"It was an accident!" whined the goblin.
"We are so screwed," sighed the gremlin.
WELL . . . what's the moral of this story? Always check behind the fishtank. You never know what the hell may be lurking back there.
User Reviews
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-10-17 12:39:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would've liked this better without the last line. Otherwise, it was highly entertaining.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-16 14:41:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-16 05:31:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Har Har
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-16 02:32:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
WTF?....well, I spent the time to read it
and I don't wish to be typed at
so here
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-16 02:16:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When Beavis and Butthed started saying, "Uh....words....words...." I knew I was done. but what I read was a +2.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-08-16 02:11:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2005-08-16 01:53:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+h15 r0x0rz
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-16 01:41:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent, as usual
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2005-08-16 01:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:20:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:45:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:45:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As usual a kick-ass post
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fairie folk are fucked up.
Submitted by NumLock (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:08:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-15 14:03:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:50:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome, very funny.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:46:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Totally awesome.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:40:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stellar work, as usual.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:32:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this stuff.
I thought you were antius based on one of the comments you made on one of my posts..then you confirmed it. Glad you're here.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-08-15 13:14:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Puppy blood! Good God...