The Tale of the Three-and-a-Half Inch Penis (6266 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.85 on 60 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by krissi (View user info) at 2005-08-15 14:59:10 EDT
In high school, I was a huge heinous bitch. I relished in it. I thought it was hilarious. I'd have people tell me that "Before I got to know you, I was afraid of you." And I was really proud of that.
Now it has been seven years since my slew of vindictive reactions began and I've realized I've grown up a lot. I no longer derive pleasure from hurting others who have irked or crossed me in a way that displeased me. I no longer wish for those that hurt me to suffer, or lurk and wait; looking for a way to hurt them back in a manner that the blame couldn't find me.
So, without further ado, I'll tell the tale of my first vindictive act:
I was in eighth grade and I had a huge crush on a boy named Christopher Whitehead. Okay, so maybe Whitehead wasn't his real last name, but it was close, and it's what I called him in jest.
In eighth grade, I was as pretty naïve. I didn't even know what "beaver" meant. (Oh, how I wish I could be that innocent again.) Chris however, was a boy going through puberty. He had a definite streak of perverseness to him, and I think I found that attractive at the time. We'd talk on the phone for hours. He'd make me blush with the sorts of things he'd say and the suggestions he would try to get me to agree to.
We agree to hang out at the Barnes and Noble in town. It had just opened a coffee shop inside, and well, we were in eighth grade. There's nothing cool to do when you're in eighth grade. He convinces me we should go for a walk and I oblige because I'm stupid, naïve. We end up behind the building. Without even kissing me, he attempts to put his hands underneath my shirt.
I was shocked, confused, and definitely not going to allow this. I had just had my first boyfriend the previous year and we had only kissed once... ever. No one had ever touched my breasts, which were on the larger side for the girls in my grade. I was pleased with them and as far as I could tell, the boys in my grade certainly enjoyed gawking at them, but I was fine with leaving that as far as it went.
He argues with me for ten minutes about how it's his right to go up my shirt and I still adamantly refuse. I should have realized at this point that he was an asshole, and told him to fuck off, but I was well, innocent and didn't realize that most of the world tends to fuck you over if you believe that everyone has good in them and everyone deserves a second chance.
The next day in school he told everyone he knew that I was prude for not letting him go up my shirt. He wasn't even my boyfriend! I wasn't going to be some eighth grade slut! But, at the same time, the last thing you want boys to think when you're becoming boy-crazy is that you won't do anything. It makes you a leper for the dating pool. I believe I went home and cried that day.
A few nights later, Chris tries to convince me to have phone sex with him. I politely refuse, but in an attempt to not be prude, I told him I was okay with it if he wanted to just on his end. So, he did. He asked questions like what my bra size was, so I responded with 'the' question... "How big is it?" He had already been jerking off for a second. He replied that he didn't have a ruler. I told him that the joint in his thumb to the tip of his thumb was about an inch on everyone.
Using his thumb as a measuring tool, I hear the following response. "One. Two. Three. Three and a half."
Yes, he had just told me his dick was 3.5 inches. Hard.
The next day we go into school, and he tells everyone that I had phone sex with him. It was a direct lie, because I most certainly had not touched myself in any manner for him. This was war. Oh, I forgot, did you just tell me your dick was 3.5 inches hard? Yes, yes, I think you did.
I go and tell 3 of the biggest female blabbermouths in our grade my story. My story was just background for that information that could destroy a guy's reputation in a public school system like ours. My story never went far, but the fact that his penis was small made it through every grade in the middle school and the high school. No girl from our school would even go near him. I had ruined his chances with every single girl in our school system ensuring it'd be a very long time before his very small penis lost its virginity.
A few years into high school, he got a girlfriend out of the school system. I was out at a concert a few years later when said girlfriend approaches me. Very meekly, she tries to tell me that Chris's dick has since grown and is no longer small. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my entire life.
"Okay, sweetie. You go back to pretending that you enjoy sucking his on three and a half inches now."
User Reviews
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-08-18 13:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:37:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:34:36 (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm a wee tad sensitive to these "small penis" insults, if you don't mind.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:32:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
all small-peenered men will give this a negative rating, so beware!
==========================================
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
***
heh...
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-08-18 11:17:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by NocternalDragon (user info) at 2005-08-17 18:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha this was funny, and you were so mean. We would have gotten along nicely I think lol
Submitted by Rawrg (user info) at 2005-08-17 18:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow...
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-08-17 13:41:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
nice try at being witty.
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-08-17 13:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nothing's there.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-08-17 12:59:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Check mail...
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-08-17 12:50:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-08-17 12:45:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
That is some cold shit then, I can't imagine.
FUCK
That sucks.
==============
Shrug. What can I do?
email is uberkrissi.at.gmail.com
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-08-17 12:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That is some cold shit then, I can't imagine.
FUCK
That sucks.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-08-17 12:28:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So, is this shit for real?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/73351
How long did you two date for?
How the fuck are you at work?
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-08-17 11:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-16 07:05:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my balls smell like briscuit and cinnimon.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-16 06:51:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In high school, I was a huge heinous bitch.
-----
Yeah, kind of figures. Not in a bad way just in a, erm... way. You know? I'm not saying your a bitch I just erm, well what I meant to say was that it's clear that when you where a kid you where cruel.
No! Shit I didn't mean it like that, sorry. I wasn't trying to say that, don't misunderstand me please, I'm just trying to say that it kind of shows you know? Your background I mean, that you where a social climber. Not that I'm implying anything, you know. I, er...
Look over there! It's a mouse driving a Ferrari!
*Runs away*
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-15 22:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Moderately amusing, but you made yourself sound FAR too smart and experienced for an 8th grade girl who wouldn't let a dude feel her up.
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-08-15 20:32:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yawwwn. Blogblog, livejernal chatchat. Im a gurl tawkin bout penises but no +2 from me. Nice try.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-08-15 20:17:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-08-15 20:11:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
defines 1ness
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe it was 3.5 thumb lengths!?!?
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-08-15 19:29:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAhahahaa... 3,5 ". hahah... ha...
*takes out ruler, and switches sites*
Submitted by SharkBait (user info) at 2005-08-15 18:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Without even kissing me, he attempts to put his hands underneath my shirt."
I think I went out with this guy last weekend...
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-08-15 17:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
INSTALL 4"-THICK CONCRETE SIDEWALK ON 3"-THICK
A.B.C. (95% COMPACTION) PER MAG S.D. 230 AND LINE
TABLES SHT. C3. NOTE VARIOUS SIDEWALK WIDTHS
AND CROSS-SLOPES. LINE TABLES REPRESENT C.L.
OF SIDEWALK. INCLUDE SAWCUT AND REMOVAL
OF EX. CURB BEHIND RAMP AT NORTHWEST CORNER AS
NECESSARY AND 6" TURN-DOWN ON END OF SIDEWALK
AT NORTHEAST CORNER OF PROPERTY.
Submitted by brokenlizard534 (user info) at 2005-08-15 17:49:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
damn asians.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:57:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
something about 8th grade boobies makes me giggle
probably because when I was in the 8th grade, that was the only body part I could focus on.
Like it's any different now....boy am I a sad one
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:40:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe he had freakishly long thumbs and you missed out on having sex with a guy who had a 12 inch cock:
http://www.acclaimimages.com/_gallery/_SM/0061-0503-2012-4050_SM.jpg
----------------
That picture frightens me a little.
Oh, but he had normal thumbs and hands... he did try to grab my 8th grade boobies.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:40:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe he had freakishly long thumbs and you missed out on having sex with a guy who had a 12 inch cock:
http://www.acclaimimages.com/_gallery/_SM/0061-0503-2012-4050_SM.jpg
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my peener only looks small because i have huge balls.
-----
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:20:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well, he did ask for it.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:17:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
not reallly crazy about the last line.
but i'm ve ry glad its not about me. but then again - it couldn't be.
my peener only looks small because i have huge balls.
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:15:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:13:52 (#)
Ranking: 1
I bet he is in therapy now.
----------------------
Well, last I heard he still hated my guts. But, he randomly recently asked what I was doing in New Jersey via email. Which is what reminded me of this story.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-08-15 16:13:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I bet he is in therapy now.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:58:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks Bob....and make sure that 8th grader has some friends
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:55:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:49:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:44:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
If you want to do a post about the guy with 8 inches...I can be a test study
Just offering
======
Are you offering to attempt to grope an 8th grade me? Because, um, I think that's sort of impossible. The whole naivety's gone now too. :)
-------------------
Fine then, know any 8th graders??
==============
Ask me next year around November. I might be teaching some. Damn, I feel old.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:55:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:49:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:44:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
If you want to do a post about the guy with 8 inches...I can be a test study
Just offering
======
Are you offering to attempt to grope an 8th grade me? Because, um, I think that's sort of impossible. The whole naivety's gone now too. :)
-------------------
Fine then, know any 8th graders??
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:49:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:44:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
If you want to do a post about the guy with 8 inches...I can be a test study
Just offering
======
Are you offering to attempt to grope an 8th grade me? Because, um, I think that's sort of impossible. The whole naivety's gone now too. :)
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
pencil down a well
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha 3 1/2 inches! I look down upon this man with scorn with my mighty 5"
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:44:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you want to do a post about the guy with 8 inches...I can be a test study
Just offering
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:37:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:34:36 (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm a wee tad sensitive to these "small penis" insults, if you don't mind.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:32:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
all small-peenered men will give this a negative rating, so beware!
==========================================
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:34:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm a wee tad sensitive to these "small penis" insults, if you don't mind.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:32:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
all small-peenered men will give this a negative rating, so beware!
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:25:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:20:40 (#)
Ranking: -2
esprit d'escalier
----------------------------------
Okay, I got it now. I wasn't a fan of the last line either, but I felt the story hadn't ended yet. Sorry. I really am.
Maybe I should just take Kevin Smith's original way of ending Clerks and decide that killing off the main character is a much easier way to end a story.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:20:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
esprit d'escalier
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile, but not quite +2. In fact, +1 means "made me smile"!
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:20:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to go!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Summary:
Blah blah fucking blah.
- The End
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ROFLMAO
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:13:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
esprit d'escalier
look it up.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:13:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny as hell!
but only if it's true.
if he doesn't have a small dick there's a place in hell for you.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:12:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
this was good all the way until that last line.
FUFCK OFF.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:02:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
OK before i read it I laughed out loud at the combination of the title and how every monday is a post about Tim or you and Tim....just thoughts!
-------------
I was so on the same page here
although I know you wouldn't do that but first thoughts...
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:09:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:08:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny story - and I didn't mean anything by the Tim thing, it just struck me as funny.
---------------------------------------
No worries. I'm just trying to pry myself from the whole, all krissi ever writes about is Tim stereotype.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:08:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny story - and I didn't mean anything by the Tim thing, it just struck me as funny.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:04:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
Note To Timmy:
NEVER piss her off.
Seriously.
-------
hahhhhhhhhhahaha
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:05:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Looks like you got the last laugh
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mofo -- I was thinking the same thing, seriously.
I was waiting for the "God damn fucker is cheating on me" or something.
Then it turned into a funny story, so all was well.
Submitted by krissi (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:02:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
OK before i read it I laughed out loud at the combination of the title and how every monday is a post about Tim or you and Tim....just thoughts!
--------------------------
I assure you, not about Tim. DEFINITELY NOT!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Note To Timmy:
NEVER piss her off.
Seriously.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-15 15:02:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OK before i read it I laughed out loud at the combination of the title and how every monday is a post about Tim or you and Tim....just thoughts!