The First Girl I Ever Loved is Dying. 2. (1306 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.88 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phallic Cymbals (View user info) at 2005-08-17 00:52:02 EDT
See: http://www.ubersite.com/m/73180
It hits me like a warm wind. It just blows through my eyes and brain and my torso shivers and shudders under the light, insistent pressure.
She's still so fucking beautiful.
Ridiculous, huh? I'm usually bound by the imaginative constructs of my own literary upbringing, so when I was preparing to visit her I had prepared myself for what she would look like.
Her hair would be gone. Her skin would be pearlescent, slack. She would be wasted, gaunt. Like all cancer sufferers, she would be a living corpse.
She's not. Dear God, she's not.
The malignance is so invasive, so complete that they're not even treating her, but that's not how I see it.
They're not treating her because she's too perfect.
It's like watching a massive redwood burn down. To invade, get in between nature and one of its most beautiful creations would somehow seem wrong. To have that great creature reduced to half-life would be somehow worse than to see it die, see it fall so gloriously.
Likewise, to defile her, fill her unblemished flesh with invasive radiation would bring with it a bitter unnaturalness.
There's something right about her going like this. She's going somewhere mysterious, rare. Somewhere, perhaps, as beautiful as she is. By the tranquil look on her face, she's ready to go.
But I'm not.
A trolley squeals by outside and draws me from my reverie.
The urge to rush over, put my arms around her is cry is only surpassed by a horrid grief that feels like terror.
Terror that now she's not only leaving me, but she's leaving this planet as well.
There's only one thing that's keeping me on my feet, and it's the fact her eyes are closed.
God, for all the perfect lines, flowing hair and flawless skin, it was always her eyes that killed me. Cold, slate grey. Eyes like swans taking off a frozen lake. Overcast eyes. Eyes with tears and glitter at the back of them.
If I saw them...
But what am I saying. I can see them. I have spent so long held in their gaze that my mental picture of her is just those two crystalline spheres. If I could draw anything, it would be her eyes down to the tiniest detail, the most subtle inflection. They're there in my brain, clear and open.
There aren't words for this emotion. And I think that is a good thing. Humans always need to define, examine, understand. I'm glad some things are still completely beyond our retelling.
It's terror, grief, and pain but also joy. Joy just to be seeing her again after all this time. Joy that somehow events could create such a magnificent thing and that whatever winds blow us around the planet could blow her to me. Even if it was temporary. Even if it was just one second.
And the joy and the terror and the grief are all one emotion, all sloshed together in my heart and mind so that without one, I couldn't even begin to understand the others.
The doubt is gone. I love her as much as I ever did. Time may be a great healer, but the wounds of Love go deeper, further than the clock's distances.
Her eyes open and she sees me.
All hell breaks loose.
A hurricane blasts through the room, lifting me off the ground and slamming me off the walls. The world explodes in tiny shards and my life flashes before my eyes.
My whole past is grey, poor quality images. Filled with quick whips of pleasure in an otherwise unfulfilling search. I'm adrift in a grey sea and the blurred, slurred recollections of overindulgence just make my loneliness seem more acute.
Except for one part.
Six months, at age 16-17, and it's all mapped out in beautiful, vivid colour. The world has no detail, rather a miasmic wash of glorious colours, laughter and ecstasy. Spinning around in the carnival colour, eyes open to the world but just seeing Her.
The hurricane settles, and I'm standing back in the hospital room, and I think I'm crying really, really hard.
Her eyes shimmer, and a tiny droplet rolls down her cheek.
She bites her bottom lip, the faintest traces of a smile making her glow.
"Hi, Pete." she whispers. And her face breaks into the most heartbreakingly sad smile I ever hope to see.
I walk over to her bed and sit down on it. It sags underneath me with a quiet hiss.
I can't talk. It's as if I have no voice box. I don't even move my lips. I just sit there, and a snowball grows and grows inside me.
"I see you've come to cheer me up." she says, her voice soothing, like I'm the one in trouble.
She smiles and the tear in pushed off her chin and drops silently onto the sheet.
I start laughing. At first it comes out in an alien croak, the unnatural motion pushing up through my throat slowly.
Then she giggles, and it really starts to flow. All I feel is lightness, I don't know what the fuck you'd call it, but it's certainly something good. Necessary.
I think of something to say, then realise that there is nothing to say. Certainly not "I love you", I hit her with that for long enough when all she wanted was to get away, and I'm not going to try digging around that wreck again.
When I say it, it comes so easily, like an observation, because its so undiluted and honest.
"You're beautiful." I say, and a really great, really wonderful smile just takes over my face. It's a smile of gratitude, a smile of necessity, a smile of redemption.
She pulls herself up in the sheets, and a fire lights up in her eyes that makes her invincible.
"The time we spent together was the most amazing time of my life. I've never felt so natural, so beautiful or so close to something Godly."
It takes me a second to realise that it was her that said it, and not me.
My hands grip hers and I just stare a her with some blend of brotherly and amorous love.
The soup of emotions fails to reconcile itself, spinning and burning inside me.
I may not be able to explain how I feel to her, but something divine hits me and I suddenly know exactly how to sum it up. Every late night, missed phone call, day spent sick with worry. Every held hand, shared song, bad joke. Every sunset walk, morning swim, daytime class. Every tear, laugh, sigh, moan, and gasp.
I say it all.
I say "Thank you".
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-22 19:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was so good it brought tears to my eyes
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-07-03 09:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrez (user info) at 2007-05-22 12:29:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a great line, "There aren't words for this emotion. And I think that is a good thing. Humans always need to define, examine, understand. I'm glad some things are still completely beyond our retelling."
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-22 11:59:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-09-27 21:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
suppressing tears in public again.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-05-11 02:42:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that I'm crying ...
Submitted by soccer (user info) at 2006-05-11 02:31:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-11 02:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-09-13 02:14:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ReTodd (user info) at 2005-08-18 04:55:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I started reading this, I was planing on making some heartless comment just to be a dick. But I couldn't after reading it through. While I could lavish praise on you, I will simply say that you should attempt to publish these poems if you have not already.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-17 23:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BusinessMan (user info) at 2005-08-17 12:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-08-17 12:08:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good story again
Submitted by Fleadh (user info) at 2005-08-17 11:26:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I started reading but then just scanned through it, Seemed like it was overdone after the last one and stopped being emotional and just turned into emo faggotry.
T'was well written tho..
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2005-08-17 11:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyone that gives this a minus is a complete fucking ass!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-17 11:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just squeeze your rage into a bitter little ball and release it at an
appropriate time. Like that day I hit that referee with a whiskey
bottle. 'Member that?
-- Homer Simpson
Whacking Day
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-08-17 11:13:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2005-08-17 10:48:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant once again. Nothing else to say.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-08-17 10:28:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was this close to crying at work. These two posts were arguably the best I've ever read on uber. Fantastic!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-17 09:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-17 09:12:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope one day someone feels that way about me.
The love thing.. not the mourning because I'm dying thing.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-17 09:04:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
................
Fuck it, it's not even dusty.
This brought tears.
Touched kinda close...
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-08-17 08:33:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 again,
Keep up the great writing, I thoroughly enjoy it!
*weeps emo tears*
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2005-08-17 08:28:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
EMO
EMO
EMO
EMO
EMO
Submitted by Hirilnara (user info) at 2005-08-17 07:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Again, wow...you're really really good at this, yet I can't dislike you...it's so not fair!
Submitted by Natsukau (user info) at 2005-08-17 07:17:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's really too bad she contracted AIDS.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-17 07:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-08-17 06:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your writing ability makes me jealous therefore I hate you...
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-17 05:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus!
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-08-17 04:58:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU MADE MY DRUNK ASS CRY YOU CUNT.
NOW I HAVE TO GO GOOGLE THE FIRST LOVE OF MY LIFE TO FIND HER ASS AND MAKE SURE SHES ALRIGHT
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-08-17 04:51:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Extravagant beauty. +++
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-08-17 04:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just.....wow.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-17 04:44:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-17 04:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's beautiful dude. Some damn agency just rang me up to sell me human meat and I just wept down the phone to her.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-08-17 03:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to make me cry at my desk. No one noticed. They will think i have hayfever.
Masterpiece.
Submitted by Flaahgra (user info) at 2005-08-17 02:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy fuck this was great.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-08-17 02:07:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Speechless.
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2005-08-17 01:46:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Again, very fucking good!
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-08-17 01:37:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Found myself saying "Just go in already!", but still very good once over that lump.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-08-17 01:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent imagery. Reminiscent of Ray Bradbury.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-17 01:25:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-08-17 01:08:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-08-17 01:08:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The last one was more awe-inspiring, but this still deserves a +4.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2005-08-17 01:07:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure she rubbed my balls.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-17 01:00:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-17 00:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment