The Homosexuals across the Street (1530 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.72 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ally <AllyJeans.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-08-17 09:39:54 EDT
Aug. 2, 2003
Dear diary:
Today was pleasant. Di brought over a plate of cookies—chocolate chip with bits of peanut butter. It seemed like a weird combination, but they tasted quite good...almost like a candy bar. They were her daughter's recipe. She and her little friends had had a sleepover, and from what Di told me, all they did was eat cookies, braid each other's hair and talk about boys.
Gosh, I miss those days. Of course, if it were my sleepover, there wouldn't have been any cookies left! Just as well. It's not like I could use a few more pounds!
Across the street, a moving van unloaded heaps and heaps of furniture. I thought that house would never sell. I mean, it must have been on the market for three months—maybe more. It'll be nice to see some new faces in town. I'll have to remember to bring them a welcome gift of some sort. I'll tell Mark to pick up a bottle of red on his way home from work.
Aug. 3, 2003
Dear diary:
I can't believe it! The couple that moved in across the way...they're homosexuals! We brought the wine over this afternoon and, low and behold, they informed us that they were "life partners." At least, that's what I think they're called. I was too flabbergasted to remember much. I do know that their names are Jake and Steve. Jake is a lawyer and Steve is a Doctor. It's like the Cosby show, only with gay white guys.
They'll love us! We are the most tolerant people we know. Di said that she'd be nervous that they might try to get Mark away from me, but I just laughed her off. I think she has been watching too many soaps.
Aug. 5, 2003
Dear diary:
Sorry for missing yesterday's entry. It was a really hectic day. I had to do the shopping, get the bills out, visit mom to help her move a table, and give Mark a ride to the airport. He has a conference in Chicago and will be gone for a week. I miss him already.
Today, on the other hand, has been relatively boring. I did the wash early and Di was away from her phone all day. It's just been me and the TV, and I think the TV is winning! I won't resign myself to soaps, heaven forbid, but I have a feeling that the stuff I have been watching, something called "Dawson's Creek," is practically a soap anyway. I watched a whole hour and I have no idea what was going on. Some chubby guy was brooding over some goofy looking girl, while a big foreheaded slob kept wincing...or smiling...I can't tell which. That will be the last time I watch that show.
By the way, the homosexuals haven't been out all day. They never left for work, or for anywhere for that matter. They must have the day off. I wonder what they do on days off.
Homosexual things, no doubt! HAHA.
Aug. 6, 2003
Dear diary:
Another dull day. I tried dusting and straightening up a bit, but my heart wasn't in it. I tried calling Mark, but he was away from his hotel room. Once again, I plopped down on the sofa and watched "the Creek." How annoying. The WB calls it "the Creek" like it is the only creek. I started calling the pudgy one "the Fatass" and the brooding girl "the Tampon." I'd have called Dawson "the Forehead" but with him it seems like it would be too apt, hence taking the fun out of it. Instead, I just call him "Pissface."
Another day of my personal "homosexual watch" has yielded no results. Steve made an appearance when he went out to trim his front bushes, but that was it.
I wonder if either of them has ever had sex with a woman. Di says they all begin by hiding in the closet, which means they have to have at least one or two straight relationships. I don't buy it with this pair. It's just too obvious they are gay; especially when they hold hands. They sit really close and make a hand sandwich on Jake's knee. Straight guys don't go for hand sandwiches.
Aug. 8, 2003
Dear diary:
UPS delivered a package to the homosexuals. I grabbed my binoculars and tried to see what was written on it, but it was plainly wrapped in brown paper. The binoculars have been necessary so I don't have to leave the sofa for every little event outside. I was driving myself mad, jumping up all the time.
The package is quite mysterious, though. What could it be? I'm guessing it's vibrators. Probably the big ones with squishy tentacles and scrotum jigglers. Di said that it might have been a fist-shaped dildo. I'm starting to wonder how she knows about all these things. Rather than ask her, I let it go and hung up the phone. I didn't want to miss Dawson's. All week they have been building up to the Fatass making it with the Tampon. Of course, they didn't, because that would make everyone happy. Instead, it seems like there is a new plot twist where Pissface is falling for some blond girl I call, "Lemon Scent." Tampon is now jealous of Lemon Scent and there is some indication she still wants to date Pissface. I have to admit it's getting exciting.
Aug. 11, 2003
Dear diary:
Damn it! Mark called and said that he had to stay another week! I was really looking forward to seeing him. I feel like I have not been myself recently. I go to sleep late and I wake up early. I don't eat much. I got these terrible headaches. And to top it off, these homosexuals are driving me up the wall! They left the house every morning for the last few days and they don't get home until after dark. The Creek can only get me so far (though, I was elated when Joey finally slept with Pacey). I need Jake and Steve to keep my mind busy.
I can't help it. There is nothing to do. Without Mark, the washing and shopping is over twice as quickly. The house is meticulous, so much so, that I could eat off the carpet. Di has invited me out of the house for cocktails, but I don't want to leave. I'm scared something will happen when I'm gone.
I'm lost.
Aug. 12, 2003
Dear diary:
I'm feeling better. Last night, I went over to Steve and Jake's house after dark, climbed up a tree by their bedroom window and watched them sleeping. I don't know why I hadn't thought of this before! I was dying to know what the homosexual experience is like and now I can see it for myself. They didn't have sex, and I couldn't see the vibrators with scrotum jigglers, but seeing their faces nestled under their blankets, their chests rising up and down—it comforted me. I'm going to do this again. Not every night, mind you. I'll only do it long enough to get a feel for them.
Aug. 17, 2003
Dear diary:
The good news: I finally saw some action. I was rooted in my tree limb with my binoculars and Jack started to masturbate Steve. I knew Jack would be the one to initiate sex. Steve is too passive.
The bad news: They saw me. I was so excited at seeing the foreplay that I inadvertently yelped. All of a sudden they stopped what they were doing, rose in the bed and looked out at me. I was wearing my old party dress because it was black, but I guess it didn't give me enough camouflage. They both ran for the bedroom door and I knew I had to flee. Well, the party dress was bulky and made my escape a little difficult. On the way down, I got my foot stuck in the hem, tripped, fell back against another tree branch and his the ground with a thump. When I came to, I was in a hospital, handcuffed to a stretcher with a police officer standing next to me.
My lawyer says he can get me probation, but I'll probably get stuck with a restraining order. Since our houses are so close together, they'll probably lie too close for the permissible distances. So, either they move, or I have to. Of course, since they consider it my error, they'll probably insist that it's me. Frigging homosexuals.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-09-05 16:03:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was great
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2007-09-05 15:28:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I appreciate the love, Brdn. Thanks :)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-05 15:02:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm bored and after reading your new post thought I should check out some of your old shit. I am entertained and for that I thank you.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-12-29 02:20:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-09-05 21:09:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i liked it but
*see most comments below*
and it could have had more cowbell.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-08-19 07:06:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-08-17 20:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A little long, but funny. Plus the sunshine bear thing will get you 2's a few more times regardless
Submitted by hafguitarist6767 (user info) at 2005-08-17 16:17:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
too long but other wise i laughed
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-17 16:02:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR GLADYS KRAVITZ
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2005-08-17 15:57:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's like the Cosby show, only with gay white guys.
B@W
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-08-17 15:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aarm, Ok.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-17 12:10:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-17 12:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-08-17 10:34:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Believe it or not, I didn't picture this as a gut buster, but one of those things you read and go..."ah haaaaaaaa, I see where you were going with this, you scamp."
I am more than happy with the ones. :)
*******************
Glad to oblige you, you scamp.
It's true that not every post is meant to be a fucking stellar paragon of comedy or drama or whatever. Yet somehow I think a lot of us expect submitters to always be shooting for the moon, so to speak. But sometimes you just want to write something less than epic.
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-08-17 12:00:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by randomgirl (user info) at 2005-08-17 11:49:03 (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good. But it bothered me that you changed Jake's name to Jack in the last entry
______________________________________________________________
Son of a Bisquick! Maybe my indecision about the ending confused my fingers. How about a reward for bothering to read my work so carefully?
Hmmm.
Submitted by randomgirl (user info) at 2005-08-17 11:49:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pretty good. But it bothered me that you changed Jake's name to Jack in the last entry.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-08-17 11:24:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTN GHEY MENZ
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-08-17 11:12:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Really good.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2005-08-17 10:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking faggots man, I tell ya
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-17 10:49:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-08-17 10:38:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
a great post but lacking a payoff. It was like paying a high priced hooker only to find she only gives hand jobs
--------------
Hey, remember that you don't pay them for the sex;
you pay them to GO AWAY, sex is just on the side.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-08-17 10:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a great post but lacking a payoff. It was like paying a high priced hooker only to find she only gives hand jobs
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-08-17 10:34:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-17 10:29:01 (#)
Ranking: 1
This reads really well, but there just wasn't much of a payoff for me. It was like an amusing joke with a really long setup but a weak punchline.
I liked your description of Dawson's Creek.
___________________________________________________________
Haha, lots of commenting today.
Believe it or not, I didn't picture this as a gut buster, but one of those things you read and go..."ah haaaaaaaa, I see where you were going with this, you scamp."
I am more than happy with the ones. :)
Submitted by BusinessMan (user info) at 2005-08-17 10:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, where did you find my diary?
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-17 10:29:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This reads really well, but there just wasn't much of a payoff for me. It was like an amusing joke with a really long setup but a weak punchline.
I liked your description of Dawson's Creek.
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-08-17 10:20:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-08-17 10:06:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good writing. Nice flow, but the end seemed kind of abrupt to me.
______________________________________________________________
Well, I thought about including a twist, where the narrator turned out to be a gay male in denial (since I never actually mentioned his sex). I'd have Mark come home to find a three way between Jake, Steve, and Narrator, with the exposition in the form of Mark screaming, "Fred! How could you cheat on me!" and then having Fred awkwardly extracate himself from the middle of the sex train.
I don't know why i didn't go with it. I guess a peeping tom in a big, black party dress made me chuckle. Haha.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-17 10:14:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are my ex-wife, aren't you.
Kelly? Cut that shit out.
Or...
whatever. Bitch. There was a reason I divorced you.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-08-17 10:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good writing. Nice flow, but the end seemed kind of abrupt to me.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-08-17 10:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I kept picturing "American Beauty."
Submitted by Belimobile (user info) at 2005-08-17 10:00:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Move over Bridget......
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-08-17 09:55:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-08-17 09:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-17 09:46:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
I just don't know...
_______________________________________________________________
Neither do I. That's why I go to a psychic twice a week. I hope she'll know for me.
:)
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-17 09:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It was ok, IT!!!
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-17 09:51:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was ok, I guess...
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-17 09:48:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well paced and thought out.
Freeking homos.
I sold my last house to a pair of lesbians...but they're cooler than gay men.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-17 09:46:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just don't know...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-17 09:45:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thoroughly enjoyed this,
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-17 09:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great post
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-17 09:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting...