A couple of burnout stoners discuss complex issues (1377 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.59 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Chronic (View user info) at 2005-08-18 00:05:57 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/73335
You are officially my new muse.
---
All conversations are in the following setting: Two stoners are on a couch, high as hell, and playing various 2-player fighting video games. Neither stoner is looking at the other. (It helps the mental picture.)
ABSOLUTE ZERO
"Wanna hear something about Absolute Zero?"
*pause game* "Is this that thing where you say, 'Wanna hear something about absolute zero' and I think it's about science and say 'Sure' and you say 'We have absolute zero pot!' and I get pissed because you think it's funny and I don't and then I get even angrier when I point out that it should be absoluteLY zero in that context yet you always say absolute because you like fucking with me?"
"No."
"So it's about science this time?"
"..."
"Is it?"
"...We have absolute zero pot!"
"I fucking hate you. Get your coat and shoes on, dick."
---
AURORA BOREALIS
"Aurora Borealis is way cool."
"That Northern Lights shit we get downtown is too expensive."
"Yeah, I know, but I actually meant the trippy shit in the sky in Alaska and stuff. How do you think that happens?"
"Oh. Uh...you know how smoke rises? Well, the smoke from everyone in the world who smokes, rises and eventually cumulates at the North Pole."
"Accumulates?"
"Yeah, that, and then everyone there experiences a low-scale constant high and they get visuals. Ya know? Like, visuals."
"What about the pictures?"
"KO, MOTHER FUCKER!"
"Fucking game."
---
BLACK HOLES
"If light can get sucked into black holes, what can't?"
"Me."
"Like you could fight off a black hole!"
"Wouldn't have to. Have you ever seen a black hole?"
"No."
"Good, because if I ever see anything that I even THINK might be a black hole, I'm gonna tell you to check it out and if you get sucked into another dimension or some shit, I'm getting the fuck out of there."
"What if I say no?"
"You won't."
---
THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT
"It's like...like...The Butterfly Effect."
"Oh. How does that work again?"
"One little event causes subsequent major events."
"So like, finding a dime bag in your pocket?"
"Yeah, like finding a dime bag in your pocket you fucking stoner."
"What was that?"
"Nothing. GET OVER HERE!"
"Fuck."
---
CARBON DATING
"With Carbon Dating, you can figure out how old something is really accurately."
"I can do it with The Sniff Test."
"Shut up. I'm talking about stuff that's dinosaur old."
"Remember when I guessed exactly how many weeks old that hydro was and where it was grown?"
"That was crazy that night. How'd you do that?"
"The Sniff Test. Dude, it works."
---
CLONING
"What do you think about cloning?"
"What do you think about cloning?"
"I asked you first."
"I asked you first."
"Stop being an idiot."
"Stop being an idiot."
"Do you have a point?"
"Yes. This conversation fully explains my stance on cloning."
---
THE CORIOLIS EFFECT
"You ever hear of the Coriolis Effect?"
"The thing with the toilets?"
"Yeah. Well, you think one way of spinning is more powerful than the other? Like, if I had to flush drugs, what side of the equator would I rather be on?"
"Dude. *pause* You KNOW I don't like talking about shit like that."
"My bad."
*unpause*
---
CRYONICS
"Imagine being cryogenically frozen."
"Okay."
"If you did it long enough, when you came out, there'd probably be some kind of freaky genetically enhanced mega hydro of the future."
"Or marijuana use could be punishable by death."
"Yeah, let's not cryogenically freeze ourselves."
"I'm gonna hold you to that."
---
DARWINISM
"I don't believe in Darwinism or evolution or any of that crap."
"You're an idiot."
"Why? If it was real, wouldn't we still be evolving? We've been the same for like, a thousand years or something, right?"
"You seen pictures of Indians smoking peace pipes?"
"Yeah?"
"You see the 6 foot glass bong over in the corner?"
"Yeah?"
"Evolution."
"Oh."
---
DNA
"I saw something on Discovery about DNA. DNA is sweet, bro."
"Why?"
"Because it makes us, well, US."
"Doesn't DNA decide which people are murderers?"
"Whoa. I guess that's kinda true in a weird way."
"DNA sucks. Stop watching that Discovery Channel shit."
"Okay."
---
THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE
"Doesn't the Electoral College seem stupid to you?"
"No."
"Why?"
"I don't vote."
"Oh."
"You don't either. Why are we talking about this?"
"I dunno."
---
GLOBAL WARMING
"The world keeps getting hotter. Scientists said it, man. Scientists."
"So, the Earth keeps getting warmer, huh? I see. Will it get like, Jamaica warm? If so, cool."
"Yeah eventually, but aren't you worried?"
"Dude, nah. Think about the growing possibilities!"
"...Dude. Whoa."
"Yeah, it's gonna be sick."
---
HYDROGEN AS A FUEL SOURCE
"I heard that hydrogen could become a fuel source."
"Well, that sounds pretty stupid. Remember The Hindenburg Disaster?"
"Yeah, actually. Why do I remember that?"
"Cause it had a sweet picture in our Social Studies book and all you did was look at the pictures."
"...So? You did, too."
"Yeah, but I'm not defensive about it."
"...Wanna go get some helium balloons at Party City and make our voices funny?"
*game pause* "Bout time you asked."
---
KARMA
"Karma's not real."
"Yes it is."
"No it isn't. Remember those girls we kept smoking out at the beginning of the summer?"
"You mean our girlfriends?"
"Yeah. Well, weren't you pissed that they never smoked us out? It would have been karma proving itself."
"Are you retarded?"
"What? No."
"..."
"I don't think so."
"Is that the real reason why you stopped seeing her and I had to spend a month not getting laid while I found someone else because her friend decided to not see me anymore when YOUR relationship ended?"
"Yeah, I didn't want to tell you because I figured you would tell me to shut up and stop being cheap and that it didn't matter because we're supposed to be noble and always supply and shit."
*game pause* "They were supplying."
"Unpause it. And when? I don't remember that."
"SEX!"
"Oh. Where are you going?"
"The closet."
"Why?"
"Baseball bat."
"Wh...oh shit."
---
LEAP YEARS
"What's with the extra day, man? It throws off my internal timing."
"No, it doesn't. It's only one extra day every few years. Daylight savings is a bitch on internal timing."
"Does daylight savings have anything to do with leap years?"
"Yeah. Timing."
"Oh. Yeah."
---
MOLECULES
"Dude, molecules."
"...Wha?"
"Molecules."
"Yeah man, Molly's cool. You should totally try to bang her."
"That's not what I was talking about you jackass....but, you really think I could?"
"Totally. What were you talking about then?"
"Wha? Where's her number."
"Dude, never mind."
---
PERPETUAL MOTION
"If we create a perpetual motion machine, we'll be famous."
"Does 'doing stupid shit and being stupid' count as a motion if what you do is visibly stupid to anyone in the area even if they can only watch you and not even hear what you're saying?"
"So they can't hear anything, but they can always see someone 'being stupid and doing stupid shit'?"
"Yeah."
"Yeah. I guess that sorta counts."
"Then shut the fuck up, stop worrying about building the machine, and play the game, PM."
"Huh...?"
"Heh."
"Wha...wait a minute. HEY!"
---
SPECTRUM OF LIGHT
"Rainbows are cool how they work."
"That spectrum of light shit?"
"Yeah."
"Darkside made the spectrum of light matter."
"Fuck. So true."
---
THEORY OF RELATIVITY
"I'm relatively high."
"Relative to what?"
"Ya know...the theory of relativity."
"You're high relative to the theory of relativity? That's what you're telling me?"
"...I dunno."
"Good."
---
THE TIDES
"Surfing tomorrow?"
"Sure, when's high tide?"
"11."
"Perfect. I have a question. How exactly do the tides work?"
"We've been surfing for ten years and you don't know?"
"...Do you?"
"No, but I'm not blasphemous enough to question the will or procedure of the Surf Gods, you fuck."
"I'm sorry."
"You should be. And press 'start', heretic."
---
TIME TRAVEL
"Time Travel doesn't seem like a possibility to me. You would either have to rewind time like it was a video cassette or there would have to be multiple time streams constantly going on that would allow you to step in at any point. That would require infinite time streams. Neither of those options really seems too likely."
"I can send you back in time right now."
"What? No you can't."
"Plug in Super Nintendo and get Street Fighter 2 out of the closet."
*minutes later*
"I feel like a kid again!"
"See? TIGER UPPERCUT, BITCH!"
---
WORLD HUNGER
"We should figure out how to solve World Hunger. We're clever as fuck."
"What about our hunger?"
"Dude, wanna go to Wendy's?"
*game pause* "You have to ask? Let's roll."
---
MEANING OF LIFE
"Alright. I'm going home."
"Alright. Peace. Call me tomorrow."
"Hey. One last thing."
"Yeah?"
"What's the Meaning of Life?"
"Life in general or MY life?"
"Never mind. Let's just call it right there."
---
"As usual, marijuana has saved an otherwise disastrous day." - Idle Hands
---
Chroniclysmically Conceptualized
User Reviews
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-06-29 15:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You forgot robots taking over the earth.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-08-19 13:42:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Phlogiston is my most favorite of all time!!
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-19 02:11:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There's definitely going to be a sequel of this. Definitely.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-18 17:30:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Phlogiston, dude. Think about that.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-08-18 16:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I was stoned right now.... Only a few more hours.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-08-18 14:01:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
love the cultural references
and, Molly's cool... hahaha
Submitted by AdamDC (user info) at 2005-08-18 12:30:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You seen pictures of Indians smoking peace pipes?"
"Yeah?"
"You see the 6 foot glass bong over in the corner?"
"Yeah?"
"Evolution."
"Oh."
-----------------------
Funny shit.
I had a four foot glass bong in college.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-18 12:05:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-18 11:45:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss smoking weed. *weeps*
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-08-18 10:02:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
street fighter 2 and a bag of weed?
sounds like weekend plans to me!
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-08-18 09:58:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was funny as fuck.
Man, I've gotta get stoned now.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-18 09:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to 'table' this post until later when I can fully enjoy a smoke...but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on this post based on your others
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-18 09:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Link the other 2?
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-08-18 09:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats, you're third who's been printed and put into my filing cabinet. Keep up the good work, I enjoy reading your shit.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-18 09:32:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Clearly.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-08-18 09:26:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bandwagon
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-18 09:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Then feel free to move along quietly.
Submitted by dirtycyberdawg (user info) at 2005-08-18 09:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Single Stoner with no video games
Too farked to read your post let alone rate it
Time for spots now
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-08-18 08:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great, you came out of nowhere and have evolved into someone who puts out some good posts
On the down side, it's 8:30AM and I can't smoke until I get off work.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-08-18 07:36:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh the memories.....
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-18 07:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-18 06:11:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Needed more Sonic Boom
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-08-18 04:52:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tokerson (user info) at 2005-08-18 03:57:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...
Read the whole thing while baked and coming down from mushrooms and loved every sentance.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-18 02:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Heh. Yeah. I really liked that one, too.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-18 02:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You seen pictures of Indians smoking peace pipes?"
"Yeah?"
"You see the 6 foot glass bong over in the corner?"
"Yeah?"
"Evolution."
"Oh."
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-08-18 02:11:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Katastrofadark (user info) at 2005-08-18 01:59:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't even notice out long it was...
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-18 01:26:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heheheheheh
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-18 01:14:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Rasta. A second post isn't out of the question. I just need to round up some more topics.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-08-18 01:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tarantino dialogue to a T, sort of. (a bit long but what? "Say what again motherfucker!"
+++
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-18 01:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
could have been done better but fuck it...good enough for the 2
Submitted by Rasta (user info) at 2005-08-18 01:02:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love it. But I hope you realize no one stoned will make it all the way thru. Make it shorter or do two posts next time.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-18 00:31:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Decent enough" from the innovator himself is good enough for me.
I threw in a few new topics for some originality. I think I only tossed out one of yours, though.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-08-18 00:26:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit I meant to give you a +1
This should sort that out. It was good but far too long for my attention span at this tim,e of night
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-18 00:20:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Almost as good as the original.
Still damn good, don't get me wrong.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-08-18 00:19:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Decent enough!
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-08-18 00:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"All conversations are in the following setting: Two stoners are on a couch, high as hell, and playing various 2-player fighting video games. Neither stoner is looking at the other. (It helps the mental picture.)"
OVER LONG UBER POSTS
Absolute zero pot <snigger> that was pretty good
What! We're out of pot?
Nah man it's just this thing I'm reading.
So we've got pot?
Yes.
Cool. come on then bro either pick up the pad or search for NSFW.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-08-18 00:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've yet to read this (the +2 is for inflating my ego) but it seems like you simultaneously ripped off both me and the advertisements for 40-Year Old Virgin. =P