The Fountainhead (852 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.38 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ok George Foreman (View user info) at 2005-08-18 02:44:37 EDT
Sex.
Sex Sex Sex Sex Sex.
To me that is the best way to describe life while at university. Sure people learn stuff, but with the internet around if anybody really wanted to learn all they would have to do is go to google. Other people think the best thing about going away to college is the liberation from parents. Surely though the liberation would not be as fun if you weren't being released into an environment of thousands of youths who think similarly to you. AKA horny people who also wanted to fuck to work off their frustrations.
The true beauty of college though isn't just the sex, but the bountiful places that are provided to students. The library, Community showers, empty classrooms, auditoriums, the football stadium, etc. If it exists on or near a college campus you can be damn sure people have had sex there.
This extraordinary story however begins in none of those exciting places. No, it all started in a very average dorm room, which was inhabited by a very average male. Christopher Meyers was that male. There wasn't anything remarkable about him, and all of the important aspects of his life could be summed up in one sentence. Chris Meyers was a sophomore at Michigan State University, a biology major, and most importantly of all, he was a friend of mine. That is why this story is so important, it involves me.
I entered Chris's dorm room after dinner one August afternoon and was subject to a ghastly site. I had walked in on Chris watching Friends on the television. This floored me since I was 99% sure that Chris did not have a vagina and therefore would not find enjoyment in the program. He turned to me with a shamed look on his face an immediately tried to defend himself.
"It's not what it looks like! There was nothing else on television and I was too lazy to change the channel."
"Lies!! You know damn well that SportsCenter is on, and the remote is in your hand; you could have switched the channel with minimal effort."
"Ok, fine. I like Friends, and there is nothing wrong with that."
"How can you say that?!? Name one redeeming thing about that show."
"There doesn't have to be anything redeeming about it to make it enjoyable. Why do you hate the show so much anyways?"
"Friends killed my father and raped my mother!"
"You stole that from Family Guy. What's the real reason?"
"Other than that women used it to trick men into thinking Jennifer Anniston was hot so that they would have one female celebrity they could relate to and sort of look like? The show ruined a perfectly good song, makes New York a completely white city, and the entire premise of the show is people who want to fuck each other but something keeps coming up and making things dramatic."
"Whatever man. Look, a second episode is about to come on. Just sit down and watch it with me and see if you like it."
It took me a few minutes of staring at Chris to realize that he was not joking. Grudgingly I decided to give it a shot. I wouldn't want Friends to be one of the very few things I've ever been wrong about. I managed to make it through the introduction before I got up and left the room. Chris followed me out into the hallway.
"What was wrong with it, you didn't even give the show a chance."
"Oh yes I did, and I didn't even take the song into account. How can you justify that opening scene where they are all dancing around and in the fountain? They look like complete morons doing it!"
"You'd be dancing around like a dumbass too if you were them."
"Oh really, and why is that?"
"Because, the script reads that the characters just got fountainhead."
"Fountainhead? What the hell is that?"
"You know, fountainhead. When you get a blowjob in a fountain. It's the same premise as roadhead. I can't believe you've never heard of it before."
"You totally just made that up!"
"Oh I assure you, fountainhead is very real. The premise behind it is that a fountain naturally reminds a girl of semen shooting out and up and makes them very, very horny. With the girl already turned on all you have to do it is convince her to jump in the fountain with you, get her a little revved up, then just sit on the edge as she goes down on you."
"That's awesome, but I still refuse to watch the show" With that I went back to my room to play some madden.
For the rest of the day all I could think of was how this new technique had to soon be a reality for me. Most of the girls I met for late night hook ups used the fountain outside the library as the halfway point for where we would meet.
I had to wait a whole 3 days till one of my female "friends" became intoxicated enough where she wanted to "hang out" with me. Fate must have been smiling on me that day, because the girl in question was a virgin and was addicted to giving blowjobs. I suggested that we meet at the fountain and then waited ten minutes before I headed over there. I was optimistic about my chances since this girl had informed me beforehand that she always wanted to do something in public.
When I arrived at the meeting place I saw her sitting on the edge of the fountain looking as slutty as ever. She had no idea what I had in store for her. When she got up to greet me I promptly kissed her. She then put her hand down my jeans and whispered into my ears about how much she wanted me. As soon as she released me penis I pushed her into the fountain. I wouldn't want the little guy to end up going with her instead of staying with me now would I?
She looked like she was about to explode into a fit of rage as she sat there soaked in the fountain. It probably didn't help that I stood there laughing at her. Before she got too upset with me I jumped in the fountain. Her anger was temporarily replaced by a look of confusion. I motioned her over to me on the edge of the fountain and then began making out with her once more. After a few minutes of kissing I told her that she ought to just go ahead and do what she did best.
I won't lie, I didn't last very long. This was my first time doing something like this in public and the thrill of it as long as not wanting to get caught sped up the process for me. As she finished on me she looked up at me with her wide eyes and asked me how the hell I planned on her drying off. I responded as any self-respecting man would.
I got out of the fountain and ran. I didn't even look behind me as shouts of "Fucker" and "Jerk" were thrown at my general direction. It took me just over a minute to make it back to my hall and check in. The first thing I did was stop by Chris's room.
"Why the hell are you dripping water all over my floor?"
"I got it man."
"What are you talking about?"
"I got it! I freaking just got fountainhead!"
"Fountainhead? You mean THE fountainhead?! Holy shit dude! How was it?"
"Honestly, it wasn't that great. But the fact that I can say I got it makes it priceless."
"You realize I was bullshitting with you and made that up on the spot right?"
"It doesn't matter anymore, it's real now."
After I felt like I had done enough gloating I returned to my room to change into some dry clothes. There on my computer was one unread message from the girl.
SpartyGirl1985: You are such an asshole! I can't believe you just left me there like that.
I promptly added her to my blocked list, and haven't talked to her since.
User Reviews
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-12-31 21:16:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ask Bart to change your password for you. He did it for me when I lost mine.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-29 07:40:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haah
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-26 21:35:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
geesh, just copy the cookie and take it with you. i've never tried such a crazy maneuver, but it might work.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-12-26 20:44:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
whoa! a darko, the assistant late nite DJ, sighting...that was so cool
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-12-26 13:26:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
H2Owned
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-12-26 12:55:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I wish, I got to spend time at my moms where I was still logged in.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-26 12:50:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, what did you get for christmas...your password back?
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-12-15 20:34:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If you're ever back: You were a cool guy while I was here.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2005-09-22 03:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHERE ARE YOU???
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-08-24 22:40:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO BLUE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-19 07:53:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Obligatory +2 for my esteemed opponent
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-08-18 20:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We should've feared an unserious post, what with that being the title.
Let's just wait and see how Xcuses does.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-18 17:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This post makes the Baby Ayn Rand cry...
Submitted by alex.lifeson (user info) at 2005-08-18 16:45:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-08-18 14:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
certainly not the worst i've seen.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-08-18 13:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're right, I take it back about the song.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-18 12:13:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-08-18 09:50:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
WOuld have been a plus 2, but "The show ruined a perfectly good song"-
dude that song blew. it blew donkey balls. syphilitic, swollen, donkey balls.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-18 09:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-18 06:27:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Honestly, it wasn't that great. But the fact that I can say I got it makes it priceless."
------
Say's it all really. A cheap story about cheap people. The gags weren't funny, the charachters would only be described as two dimensional by the most generous of souls and the plot was so hackneyed that if it where a person it'd have looked like Norman bates' mum.
I've had more fun watching 'Dude; Where's my Car?'.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-08-18 04:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Gah!! What was I thinking?? I posted content on a thursday!!! Woe is me :(.
Submitted by Rasta (user info) at 2005-08-18 04:45:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Perty good. What makes watching friends gay? Half of the show is about hooking up with hot chicks.
I'm betting, the fellows who think watching friends is gay watch wrestling.
WWE, WWF etc. Way gay.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-18 03:47:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-08-18 03:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, so it looks like Bart's only the second most famous person to ever be on Uber.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-08-18 03:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Walk the plank.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-18 03:08:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tell molly I said hi, and would like a date.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-18 03:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This okay shit isn't really doing it for you, me thinks.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2005-08-18 03:03:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not going to read all that.
It's just too late.
but I'll be nice to Darko.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-08-18 02:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was completely awesome.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-08-18 02:45:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bah, forgot to change my name to Ok Chris.