HAlL SATAN! (773 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: ETS_Comedy_Writing
Rating: 1.65 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (View user info) at 2005-08-18 12:13:33 EDT
The following is a completely fictional account about a guy called...oh...let's say 'EST'. One day 'EST' was asked to stop taking tech support calls and start answering emails at the fictional job he hated with a passion which cannot be measured or expressed in words.
All was going well for EST until he came upon a completely fictional email that in no way exists in reality. The fictional helpdesk email is reprinted below with some paraphrasing and name-changing so as to not get EST fired from his completely fictional tech support job:
------------------------------------
NAME = Crazy Christian Bitch
PHONE = 777-777-HOLY
MESSAGE = I noticed today on the "Community Calendar" [on your website] a listing for an August meeting of a Satanist group. I was pretty surprised to say the least. I am sure I am not the only <COMPANY NAME> customer that is offended by that inclusion. Is there any discretion used by the staff responsible for Community Calendar submissions, or are they required to post anthing that is submitted for inclusion. Anything that is placed on the homepage for <COMPANY NAME> is therefore, somewhat representing the company and those in charge of the companies direction and integrity. I have first hand knowlege that the officers of the company are of high moral character and do their best to operate their company with utmost integrity. Please respond back and let me know what the policies are and if this addition to the calendar was an oversite, or if I can look foreward to more announcements of Satantic group meetings or perhaps other groups whose desire is to breakdown the moral fiber of our fine, conservative city.
Thank you for your response,
Crazy Christian Bitch
-------------------------------------
Now, when EST read this, in his mind it came out as:
"Blah blah blah...whine whine whine...look! It's Satanism!...that's bad...the good book says so...oh woe is me...OMG! When I got this newfangled intarweb, I expected everyone on it would share my limited beliefs...I never dreamed I might be forced to face the painful fact that there is a whole wide world of people out there with just as much right to express themselves as me...I am but a poor little home-maker with nothing better to do with my time than look for things to bitch about...I got tired of mailing 'Dear Abby' every week...masturbation by the window while I wait for my husband to come home after working late for the 20th consecutive day has gotten old...whine whine whine...I am a good, upstanding, conservative Christian with more skeletons in my closet than Jeffrey Dahmer, therefore I feel the need to outwardly project an air of holy superiority because that will somehow redeem me in the eyes of the God I only half believe in so I can attend church and show off my new wardrobe...being a believer in God, I completely believe in the concept of 'FREE WILL' that our Lord has given us all, therefore I feel the indomitable need to squash people's expression of it every chance I get...Please email me back...Validate my miserable existence..."
EST checked the website and sure enough, there was the listed meeting for the 'Big Bad' Satanist group proudly displayed in the Community Calendar right alongside the local Bridge-Player's Tournament and the monthly Women's Crochet Club meeting.
EST chuckled to himself as he noticed the meeting was to take place at the local Denny's Restaurant.
EST proceeded to laugh and laugh about the ridiculousness of the whole ordeal in which he now found himself merrily mired. Being the professional, well-compensated employee he is, EST prudently and willfully resisted the urge to splash the ridiculous message all over the internet so the whole world could laugh with him.
Instead, he chose to send the nice, Christian lady a more tactful response than the simple "FUCK OFF" he had initially dreamed up. Reprinted below is the email that EST didn't want to send, but had to send to save his fictional job:
------------------------------
Dear Crazy Christian Bitch,
Thank you for contacting <COMPANY NAME>.
While we here at <COMPANY NAME> fully understand your concerns, our
current policies as they are outlined in our Acceptable Use Policy do
not expressly forbid such actions. Furthermore, the area of our
website on which this message is located is under the direction and
control of <A DIFFERENT COMPANY>, and, as such, falls under
their monitor.
However, I have spoken with my supervisor about this matter, and the
<OTHER COMPANY> has been made aware of the calendar entry
in question.
If you have any further concerns or questions about this matter,
please email us or call our customer service department at
1-800-uSUCK-IT.
Thanks,
EST
Helpdesk Technician
------------------------------
EST is such a sell-out.
Fictional bastard.
User Reviews
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2005-09-03 13:45:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAIL SATAN!
Submitted by lessonlearned (user info) at 2005-09-03 13:37:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fku
Submitted by lessonlearned (user info) at 2005-09-03 13:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
dick
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-09-02 01:15:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
recalc
Submitted by JHoersten2 (user info) at 2005-08-28 17:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
gay
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-20 03:01:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, fuck it, we all know this isn't fiction.
The manager from Denny's called earlier Friday to ask us to take the post down off our company's website!
I suspect he had pressure put on him from all these bitter, pinched-nose, blue-haired types.
Doesn't he know that it's going to increase business?
I'm so angry at the world right now.
I didn't go to the meeting. I had planned on it, but it was my sister's birthday, and my mom invited me out to celebrate it with them. I suggested we eat at Denny's, but they wanted to do the non-denominational, Red Lobster thing, so I relented.
What they hell.... They were buying.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-19 12:35:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Deep down, ETS, i love you.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-19 10:51:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahah please go. or pretend you go and then write about it!
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-18 17:28:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-18 15:55:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
Go to the meeting hen report back to us.
I would love to know what's on their agenda.
-------------------
I am seriously considering entering this fictional world and infiltrating the Satanic gathering. I hope there are protestors. I might just start protesting the protestors - in a fictional sense, of course.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-18 15:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go to the meeting hen report back to us.
I would love to know what's on their agenda.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-18 15:54:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to work at a restaurant where the "Jews for Jesus" would have their weekly meetings on Saturday nights.
The were THE weirdest bunch of people I have ever EVER met. I would rather hang out with devil worshippers. They wouldn't be as creepy.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-08-18 15:27:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-18 14:01:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-18 14:00:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-08-18 12:46:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you coming to Dennys?
------------------
I am actually thinking of attending the meeting at Denny's, which is scheduled for tomorrow. Might be interesting.
Never before has Denny's been such a hot spot of controversy.
-----------
That is to say, I would, if the meeting weren't entirely fictional.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-18 14:00:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-08-18 12:46:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you coming to Dennys?
------------------
I am actually thinking of attending the meeting at Denny's, which is scheduled for tomorrow. Might be interesting.
Never before has Denny's been such a hot spot of controversy.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-08-18 13:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i just validated your miserable existence.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-18 13:50:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yesterday I had a battle in Rome: Total War. On this particular battle the battle screen showed my army to consist of exactly 666 men. Now, this could mean either of two things:
A) Satan is going to fuck up my day.
B) My unholy army of darkness is going to kick some British ass.
Needless to say, I won...
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-08-18 13:44:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Generic comment implicating myself as a member of cult meeting at Denny's.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-08-18 13:29:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Know what's weird? A post of mine just got 666 hits, then I saw this on the Most Recently Viewed table/column thing. Coincidence or Anti-Devine Intervention?
Hail the Morning Star.
Does anyone need me to bring anything to the meeting?
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-08-18 13:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that
girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and
foxy boxing and such and such.
-- Homer Simpson
Lisa on Ice
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-08-18 12:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have sent her the Fuck Off message.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-08-18 12:51:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-18 12:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kids, kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential
murderers.
-- Homer Simpson
Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part 2)
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-08-18 12:46:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you coming to Dennys?
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-18 12:45:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The meeting is still scheduled for 7:30 right?
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-08-18 12:40:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-18 12:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shit. I just realized the title was supposed to read: "HAIL SANTA!"
Sorry for the mixup.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-08-18 12:28:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I prefer silk over satin.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-18 12:25:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
EXACTLY!
Now, if it had been me, I would have surely given the old bag a good verbal what-for!
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-08-18 12:24:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to kick that fictional EST charachter in his fictional head, but I can't because he's fictional.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2005-08-18 12:19:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This would be funny... IF IT WERE NOT A FICTIONAL ACCOUNT