Ubersite can lick my balls (1192 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.35 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Superman (View user info) at 2005-08-19 11:30:47 EDT
Do you have any idea of what sort of trouble this site has gotten me into?
Well then, let me indulge you.
Yesterday, while working at the Daily Planet, I decided to check up on Ubersite, even though I was technically supposed to be writing an article on the killer cats eating all the fish in the lake. While viewing through here, I found this by Swamp Donkey: http://www.ubersite.com/m/73420. I just couldn't help but laugh at the artwork, so I decided to make a version of my own: http://www.ubersite.com/m/73438.
The picture is quite spectacular, and I chuckled to myself when I posted it. Sadly, the chuckling ended when my boss Perry White came across the picture.
"Wow...that Superman has one big, long, gigantic...ahem...What the hell are you looking at Kent??"
I quickly closed out of the window and turned to Perry. "Nothing sir, I was just...doing research on those killer cats..."
"...well...actually I was just thinking. You don't need to do that article on the killer cats."
"Really?"
"Yes. Instead I want you to get me a private interview with that Superman. On the double Kent."
Foolishly, I told him that I would arrange an interview for that night. Perry quickly walked away, quite flushed. Why the hell did he want a private interview with me, Superman? This would take quite a bit of research.
When I got home that night I retrieved my Bill Nye the Science Guy kit from under my bed and began my investigation. Why would Perry White, a man who didn't give a shit about Superman before, want an interview with him now. I thought of the events that had occured today. I remember that the one of the newer employee's had finished off all the donuts and coffee so I tore off his head and shoved it up his ass. After that I recall going to the bathroom, when I stepped in a puddle of urine. Quite angered by this I ran to the first person I met and bashed him against the wall several times. Nothing else really happened...except for when Perry saw my picture of me flying with my gigantic penis (the picture was drawn to scale, by the way).
But what could that mean?
Was he intrigued by the penis?
I looked through the book that was included with my science kit. It mentioned females being particularly attracted to the male genitals, but nothing about men being attracted to them.
So what about that penis made a change in Perry White?
Why would a man be so infatuated with another man's penis?
And then I realized why.
He had lost his penis in a freak accident so he wanted to steal mine and attach it to his body!
Wait...no.
And then I really realized why.
He was....GAY! He was the biggest flamer of all the flamers in flamerland. How could I not have noticed it before? Now what the hell was I supposed to do? I had an interview with Perry in 10 minutes!! After careful diliberation I decided that I would go to Perry's place anyway, just in case I was being paranoid.
I arrived there in a matter of seconds and Perry greeted me with delight.
"Come in," he said. "Please come in. Make yourself comfortable."
While walking in I looked around the room, and became very frightened. Perry and Xeroxed my picture and hung them all over his wall. "Uh, what exactly is this interview for?" I asked.
"Oh nothing really. I just wanted to talk about your gifts. You are obviously a very...gifted man."
"..........."
"So Superman, when did you first notice the change in your body?"
"Well, I realized my superpowers a long time ago as a child."
"That's not what I was talking about."
"Then...what were you talking about?"
"Tell me, when did you hit puberty?"
"............."
"You know I really like swords. They are such deadly...and yet beautiful weapons. Especially those really long ones..."
"ENOUGH PERRY WHITE!!"
I sprang up from out of my chair in a fighting stance.
"You're not getting your mouth...or your anus for that matter...around my dick!"
"No!"
Perry made a move towards me but I kicked him away.
"STAY BACK!"
"No! Please, Superman, you must listen!"
"I don't need to listen anymore! You're gayness is infecting me! I don't wanna be one of you!"
"I'm not gay!"
"Lies!"
"No really! I'm not!"
"Then why else would a man have such an infatuation with the penis?!"
"Because....because....I lost my penis in a freak accident and wanted to steal yours and attach it to my body!"
Silence.
"......Oh......"
I comforted Perry as he began to cry. It must be horrible losing your penis on a carousel ride accident at the age of 5. We cleared everything up real nice, and there were no more hard feelings between us. Later that night I whipped out my dick to give it some well deserved attention. A penis is something you should not take for granted.
Oh yea, P.S: Mr. Fantastic, I didn't mean to blurt out any names...but if a guy by the name of Perry White starts looking for you, watch out.
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-20 01:41:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ubersite will HAVE to lick your balls, cos your quadraplegic ass wont be able to bend that far forward.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-20 01:22:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
bend over and spread 'em
Submitted by DarthFaded (user info) at 2005-08-19 14:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-08-19 14:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-19 13:42:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-08-19 11:56:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-19 11:52:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you introduce me to Teri Hatcher?
-------------------------------------
Like she's gonna want a guy she towers over.
That's pretty damn funny.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-19 13:38:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmmmmmm super penis........
That is all
<slides off chair>
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-19 12:44:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.stanthecaddy.com/sounds-jackie-chiles-soundbites.html
Here ya go...Fun for everyone at work.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-19 12:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's deplorable, unfathomable, improbable.
It's outrageous, egregious, preposterous.
That's totally inappropriate. It's lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!
Oh, and by the way, they're real, and they're spectacular.
Submitted by Clark_Kent (user info) at 2005-08-19 12:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah yes. A quote from the show of the Jerry Seinfeld, an adamant worshipper of me.
I must say, the Google Image results of Teri Hatcher sure do make them look spectacular.
Submitted by GlassBowl (user info) at 2005-08-19 12:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Batman sucks!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-19 12:29:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I need to find out if what Jackie Chiles says is true...Are they "real and they're spectacular"???
Submitted by Clark_Kent (user info) at 2005-08-19 12:12:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Batman?!?!?! Bruce has ghey butsecks with Robin. He can't take me.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-08-19 12:11:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
batman can still kick your ass.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-08-19 12:06:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Clark_Kent (user info) at 2005-08-19 11:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
She's the woman that played Lois on the TV show about me, correct? Sorry Shlong old boy, but the last I heard she had contracted Ghonorrea, probably from that douche that acted as me. What's his name. Dean Cain?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-08-19 11:57:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It must be horrible losing your penis on a carousel ride accident at the age of 5.
___________________
It must indeed.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-08-19 11:56:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-19 11:52:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you introduce me to Teri Hatcher?
-------------------------------------
Like she's gonna want a guy she towers over.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-19 11:54:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
meh
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-19 11:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can you introduce me to Teri Hatcher?
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-08-19 11:46:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Clark_Kent (user info) at 2005-08-19 11:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What is all this alter junk I keep hearing about?
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-19 11:44:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh. You are no where nearly as good an alter as MJ.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-19 11:43:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what antics!
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-08-19 11:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perry White, "Do you like gladiator moveis, Superman?"
Submitted by Clark_Kent (user info) at 2005-08-19 11:40:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh well fuck me. Why do people always have to review while I am reviewing?!?!
That makes Superman very angry!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Clark_Kent (user info) at 2005-08-19 11:40:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So...this is the kind of respect Superman gets?????
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-19 11:39:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good, for an over-the-hill superhero.