How to eat pussy. Lick my nuts I'll post twice daily if I wanna. NSFW (11513 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 0.52 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by jimthefiend <jimthefiend.at.jim-the-fiend.com> (View user info) at 2005-08-20 13:56:47 EDT
Well after some thought and several conversations with individuals who AMAZED me with their lack of education on this subject; I decided to publish some of the VAST knowledge that I have accumulated through my YEARS of experience and my COUNTLESS actual instances of performing this activity.
I present to you:
Jim The Fiends:
Pussy Licking Primer
aka: Carpet Munching for dummys.
Part One:
"Do's and Don'ts"
1. DO NOT refer to the act of cunnilingus in front of a woman you're trying to nail as "sucking the slime hole" or "kissing the fish" or "bobbing for chunks" or even "french kissing the pudding". And NEVER under any circumstances should you EVER refer to it as: "slurping on the stinky salsa dish". Most women value their vagina as a very sacred part of their body and tend to get offended when it is verbally degraded. Try "kissing the Womanly Gates of Heaven" or "Breathing the Scent (NOT stench) of Paradise. Trust me... It works.
2. DO NOT EVER cease sucking her off for the sole purpose of picking a pubic hair out of your teeth. It will ruin the mood, mess with her rhythm and may even piss her off. Deal with it.
3. If she gets real excited and grabs your hair and mashes your face into her thrusting groin DO NOT resist until you actually NEED to breathe. Chances are she's having an Orgasm and it will in all likelihood annoy her to have her Vaginal Pleasure Machine (I.E. Your mouth) removed from her Womanly Gates of Heaven until she has finished.
4. DO ALWAYS request or in some way secure her consent before you move south and attend to her rectum in ANY WAY. Some women are disgusted by this act. Some are ANGERED AND REPULSED by this act. Some have bad hygiene and will freely warn you of that fact when asked. Some women consider oral attention in that area to be a prelude to penile insertion and can have a variety of negative reactions. Even violent ones. BE CAREFUL. The butt hole of a woman, like all of her orifices, is a mysterious and sometimes even dangerous thing.
5. DO NOT EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER comment on the smell of or the consistency of her vaginal secretions. BAD FUCKING IDEA. Additionally if she is one of the rare women that actually EJACULATE it's a GOOD idea to deal with it calmly and placidly. Act like it's totally natural and do not over react. Comments such as "Holy shit lady!!!" or "Jesus Fucking Christ did you just piss on me?!?!" are unacceptable.
6: Explosive release of air from the vagina, due to muscle contractions is a completely natural occurrence. It should not be referred to as a "pussy fart" or "queef" in her presence. DO NOT giggle and say "good one baby". Ignore it and continue operating the Vaginal Pleasure Machine.
7: Should she fail to inform you or should you be too drunk to HEAR the warning and later discover that she is menstruating, DO ALWAYS follow your heart and make your OWN decision as to whether or not to continue. She SHOULD be respectful of your feelings and not attempt to pressure you into any further activities of this nature.
Part Two:
"Tips and Tricks"
1: Lick the alphabet. I have found that "O" and "T" and "I" are popular.
2: Try to get into it. She's probably enjoying it so you try to as well. Don't focus on your rapidly dying erection. It'll come back when it counts. Usually.
3: Use the time to fondle her breasts. They like that.
4: Your nose provides handy break relief. When weariness sets in just rest your nose upon the clitoris and breathe into her vagina real heavy like. She'll think you're just overcome with passion for her "Womanly Gates of Heaven" instead of overcome with boredom and fatigue.
5: Moan a lot like you're really getting off on it. They LOVE that.
6: When your tongue begins to hurt, chew on her GENTLY. Drawing blood is usually not well received.
7: Get her to sit on your face. You'll save an incredible amount of work.
8: USE YOUR FINGERS. I can't stress this enough. If she's trashed enough she won't even notice the difference between your tongue and your pinkie. Again, handy break relief.
9: If you can swing it "69" is always the preferred method. Getting head while giving it lessons the arduousness of the task. If you REALLY wanna save effort... Be on the bottom.
Well I hope this helps.
Later.
User Reviews
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-08-21 21:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2005-08-21 12:42:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Some good points JTF. However, you are clearly an amateur cunnilinguist.
You forget:
1) SHAVE.
Shave your face, close.
The best way is to wet shave with gel cream and a name brand triple blade razor. After your done shaving in the down direction, go back over the rough spots in the up direction (carefully).
2) Regardless of what you have seen in porno films, going from the ass to the pussy is a very bad idea. If you want to eat your woman's ass (yum), finish with the pussy first, then go down lower.
3) Flicking with your tongue and licking the alphabet is fine for teasing. But, if you want to be worshiped as a love god, you must suck the clitoris into your mouth and while maintaining suction: massage her clit with your tongue. Watch the teeth.
There are two categories of cunnilingus: one is used on the freshly bathed booty, the other is used on the "I haven't showered since yesterday, and I have been hiking in the hot sun all day" snatch. The techniques don't vary much. However, if you're in the mood, the later can be really great. Start off by tonguing her entire crotch. Savor the flavor and aroma. A belly full of wine can definitely help with the mood. Of course, you can't go wrong with a girly smelling clean soaped panty clad crotch in your face. Gently kiss her through the material, advance to mashing your face into her vagina, then remove and repeat.
----------------------------
So true on no. 3.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2005-08-21 20:46:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Your nose provides handy break relief"
Totally. When my tongue gets tired, the nose takes over.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-08-21 16:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"5. DO NOT EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER comment on the smell of or the consistency of her vaginal secretions. BAD FUCKING IDEA. Additionally if she is one of the rare women that actually EJACULATE it's a GOOD idea to deal with it calmly and placidly. Act like it's totally natural and do not over react. Comments such as "Holy shit lady!!!" or "Jesus Fucking Christ did you just piss on me?!?!" are unacceptable."
====
ok, this was funny.
fluff is one of those guys that never posts, and just comes by occasionally to drop -2's on the entire fron page. despite that, I think he's real.
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2005-08-21 12:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some good points JTF. However, you are clearly an amateur cunnilinguist.
You forget:
1) SHAVE.
Shave your face, close.
The best way is to wet shave with gel cream and a name brand triple blade razor. After your done shaving in the down direction, go back over the rough spots in the up direction (carefully).
2) Regardless of what you have seen in porno films, going from the ass to the pussy is a very bad idea. If you want to eat your woman's ass (yum), finish with the pussy first, then go down lower.
3) Flicking with your tongue and licking the alphabet is fine for teasing. But, if you want to be worshiped as a love god, you must suck the clitoris into your mouth and while maintaining suction: massage her clit with your tongue. Watch the teeth.
There are two categories of cunnilingus: one is used on the freshly bathed booty, the other is used on the "I haven't showered since yesterday, and I have been hiking in the hot sun all day" snatch. The techniques don't vary much. However, if you're in the mood, the later can be really great. Start off by tonguing her entire crotch. Savor the flavor and aroma. A belly full of wine can definitely help with the mood. Of course, you can't go wrong with a girly smelling clean soaped panty clad crotch in your face. Gently kiss her through the material, advance to mashing your face into her vagina, then remove and repeat.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-20 20:09:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Have a nice Saturday inside, on your computer all day, you fucking loser?
Evaluate that for us, Einstein.
Submitted by jimthefiend (user info) at 2005-08-20 15:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-08-20 15:33:20 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:32:40 (#)
Ranking: -2
I like -2ing yout posts without reading them...Makes me feel good somehow
---------------
Who the fuck is fluff? "
One of Methods alters.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-08-20 15:49:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
don't worry...
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-08-20 15:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:32:40 (#)
Ranking: -2
I like -2ing yout posts without reading them...Makes me feel good somehow
---------------
Who the fuck is fluff?
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-08-20 15:15:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the term "vart" is much more tactful than queef.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-08-20 15:07:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"You are a fucking idiot that would suck a nigger cock to be me."
Yes. That was a really smart one. I'd love to be you. Really.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-20 15:04:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
8: USE YOUR FINGERS. I can't stress this enough. If she's trashed enough she won't even notice the difference between your tongue and your pinkie. Again, handy break relief.
=================
The only exception here is if he is a guitar player and is using the same pinkie that he uses on the strings.
A guitar player's fingertips are calloused. Ouch.
This of course works out well if the guitar player is right-handed anyway. Lefties though....ouch.
Or am I FOS?
Submitted by EvolvedChicken (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:51:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the smarter posts I've read. Good work.
Submitted by jimthefiend (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:35:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:32:40 (#)
Ranking: -2
I like -2ing yout posts without reading them...Makes me feel good somehow. "
It may make you and your alter FEEL good man, but it makes you LOOK really fucking stupid and pathetic and jealous.
You are a fucking idiot that would suck a nigger cock to be me.
Accept it.
Be aware of it.
After all, everyone else is.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:36:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You forgot varying tongue pressure to the clit.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:35:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:32:40 (#)
Ranking: -2
I like -2ing yout posts without reading them...Makes me feel good somehow.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I like -2ing yout posts without reading them...Makes me feel good somehow.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:31:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"The butt hole of a woman, like all of her orifices,
is a mysterious and sometimes even dangerous thing."
____________________________________________________
for this. $$$
Submitted by Gilles_De_Rais (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't forget to tease..... teasing is the way to drive any woman insane, i love to leave hickies all around her inner thighs... my territory is marked
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:26:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What Chronic said.
Also, oral sex is a waste of time and energy if the guy doesn't WANT to be doing it. "Moan as if you're enjoying it" just makes me wanna slap someone.
"Pin her down and try very hard to pierce her clitoris with your tongue" was noticeably lacking.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You can post as much as you want as long as its good.
this was reasonable.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If enough clothes are already off for this to be going on and she hasn't said she's menstruating yet and you have just found out the hard way, get up and leave.
Submitted by checkyourmail (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Great guide, I see you get your pussy licked often.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:09:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good but the vice guide version was better,
+2 because I liked your website,
2 dark.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DEATH TO THE POPE.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-20 14:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Rule #1 - take a fucking shower
Rule #2 - groom that insect civilization you call hair
Rule #3 - don't give advice on sexual activities you haven't experienced in years
Rule #4 - stop thinking people give a shit about you
Rule #5 - don't post twice a day
Rule #6 - if you cannot follow rules 1-5, mix 2 parts gasoline, 1 part you, 3 parts fire, stir and serve over a 6-ft hole in the ground
Thanks!