Review of Arnold Schwarzenegger (618 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.6 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Travis The Travesty (View user info) at 2005-08-20 23:02:29 EDT
Arnold Schwarzenegger is perfect. Whenever I see him I achieve inner peace. It's even better when he speaks. His voice is like a strong dog that could easily kill you, but has decided to let you live. Sometimes I get excited just hearing Arnie's name. Schwarzenegger. It sounds like a cross between an expensive watch and a gun. Just so you know, I think watches and guns are cool. Watches tell the time. Guns kill people. Some people are stupid, so you need to kill them. A watch comes in handy, because you can't go around shooting people at six in the morning. That wouldn't be polite. Noon is the correct time. I will also accept sunset and mid evening, but never six in the morning. The person would be in bed and you would wake them up. Disturbing a sleeping person is rude.
Back to Arnold. The dude is rad. Making fun of Arnie is like admitting you're a nerd: everyone will laugh. Maybe not in your face, maybe behind your back, but they'll be laughing. The laughter will be at your expense and you will deserve it. Arnold is a terrific man and I will not stand by while naughty crusaders wreak a terrible destruction of his august character. If Arnie was in trouble, maybe drowning in a lake or something, then I would save him. I would jump into the water and swim my little heart out until I saved that great man. That's how much I like Arnie. I think he's cool. Regardless, it's silly to think Arnie would ever be in trouble. How could such an awesome homie ever need help? Lord, forgive me, for I have sinned.
I just realized I haven't told you why Arnold is the main man with the hood-rich plan. Mostly, I like it when he shoots people and then laughs. That's always pretty cool. Most people, if they had to shoot someone, would be all nervous and they probably couldn't pull the trigger. Not Arnie. To Arnie, shooting stuff is fun, especially when the stuff is a human head. The movie "Commando" is a perfect example in my glorious mind. Firstly, you've got Arnie, who is this mega strong army dude. Rad. Then, you've got heaps of bad guys. They're just waiting for Arnie to shoot their heads in half. Awesome. I strongly believe this movie deserved Oscars for best screenplay, direction, and original score. Arnie himself would not require the best actor award because Arnie thinks awards are for pussies. Arnie never told me this, but I know it is true.
In "Commando", Arnie kills the main bad guy by throwing this piece of pipe through his chest and then a bunch of steam flies everywhere. Then, Arnie says, "Let off some steam, Bennett!" Awesome. Whoever wrote that dialogue is the champion of the world. I bet it was Arnie. Who else could possess such artistic wizadry? Certainly not me, and I'm seven times better than a homeless guy. Imagine what a homeless guy would write in that situation, he'd probably write something like "Hey, Bennett, you stupid dumb face, you are dead and now there's steam coming out of your chest." That's stupid. It isn't even funny. Homeless people are dumb. Arnie has never been homeless, that's part of why he rules, but only a small part. Arnie is a multi-faceted genius, anyone who denies that is like a salmon making fun of a grizzly bear. The salmon's going to get eaten, can't it even see that? What a dumb salmon.
I bet Arnie could eat 400 salmon in about nine seconds, if he really wanted to. It would be like in that movie, "Cool Hand Luke", except the movie would be called "Awesome Hand Arnie". I think the plot would be about the same, but at the end Arnie wouldn't get shot in the neck and if he did then it wouldn't even hurt him, because Arnie rules. Actually, I think I would have to change the plot a bit more to make "Awesome Hand Arnie" a truly accurate movie, because in the original film the main character loses a fight. As if Arnie would ever lose a fight. Seriously, guys, get real. How are you going to beat Arnie in a fight? Come on, answer me. I know you can't. Fighting against Arnie is like smashing your face into a knife: it hurts. Anyway, I think "Awesome Hand Arnie" might have to be ditched as a movie idea, because I doubt Arnie would ever eat salmon. He could eat a million salmon if he wanted to, but he just wouldn't, because eating salmon is for losers. Arnie would eat bears. Arnie is strong.
I also want to talk about Arnie's intellectual side. He has read many books and he understood them all. If there is a word that Arnie can't understand then it's not a real word. Promulgate. What type of stupid word is that? Arnie would never use the world "promulgate" and if you used it in front of him then he would punch you. I would too. Promulgate is a dumb word and whoever invented it is a loser. Cogitate. That's another word Arnie hates. Again, Arnie never told me this, but our minds are linked and I understand everything he believes. Wanna know what Arnie believes? Muscles. Muscles and guns. Those are some rad concepts. Like Arnie, I believe in the power of muscles and guns. If Arnie ever wrote a book it would be all about muscles and guns and it would be the best book ever. No other book would come close. All the other books would be trying to beat Arnie's book, but Arnie's book would be just sitting there and it would always win. Then, at the end, Arnie's book would kill all the other books and say "Mill it over!" That's because paper comes from a mill. Arnie likes catchphrases.
Now, we have to talk about politics. Arnie is the best politician in the world. Throughout history, there has only been five cool politicians and three of them are Arnie. The other two are Bill Clinton and Jesse "The Body" Ventura. Arnie is cool because he's rad, Bill Clinton is cool because of Monica Lewinski, and Jesse Ventura is cool because he's tough like Arnie and he smokes cigars. Arnie always smokes cigars, but he doesn't even have cancer. If you smoked cigars all the time, and you were Arnie's age, you would be dead from cancer, but not Arnie. He's the toughest dude in the world. If Arnie had to fight 700 Arnies, Arnie would still win. Nothing can kill Arnie, except Arnie. It's like the end of "Terminator 2": the only way to kill Arnie is to convince Arnie that he has to dump himself into some lava, but even then the lava only works because Arnie wants it to. Man, I love Arnie.
I predict Arnie will be the President of the World by the year 2090. The factual source "Demolition Man" is clear about this obvious fact. It solemnly declares that Arnie will be the American President sometime in the future. I choose to believe "Demolition Man" as a historical source because it is a movie. Movies cost more to produce than the books Herodotus wrote, so that means movies are always right. Herodotus was just some stupid guy who talked about weird, ancient people. Arnie is so much better than that. Arnie drives around in a Hummer and smokes cigars and if you try to do something about it he calls you a girlie man. Then he goes to a press conference and says he'll terminate all the world's problems and everyone believes him, because he's Arnie. Why would Arnie lie? He's Arnie. There's no reason for Arnie to lie. If you ever say anything bad about Arnie then I will bash you. The end.
My rating for Arnie is 10 out of 10, but please keep in mind I am a very harsh critic. This is not some stupid fake 10 out of 10, this is a real 10 out of 10.
User Reviews
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-21 18:55:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry, my mistake
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-21 17:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
did I mention DIE?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-21 17:13:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Travisty (user info) at 2005-08-21 17:02:53 (#)
Ranking: -2
This was the funniest post ever, and by funniest I mean best, but I'm rating it -2 because you only posted it 30 hours after your last post. If you had of posted it 31 hours after your last post then I would have given it +2. Sorry, those are the rules. We have to stick by the rules. Rules help us play.
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retaliation -2s get -2ed as well.
go and fuck yourself, and figure things out before you play again.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-08-21 17:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too funny for words
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-21 05:59:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great 1st post!
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-08-21 04:23:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess the addition of a new, talented author (you) offsets the addition of this jackass.
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?user_id=21259
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-21 03:22:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're very talented to pull this off so well. Welcome to Ubersite.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-21 02:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome first post dude.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-08-21 02:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"LET OFF SOME STEAM, BENNET!"
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-08-21 02:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh yeah, i forgot to whore out one of my posts.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/54144
it's about arnie and his acceptance speach after his san angeles peeps send him to the white house.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-08-21 02:04:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-08-21 01:40:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this post four more times. HOLY SHIT, it is excellent!
SEND MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2005-08-21 00:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty good, reminiscent of Enraged Baboon
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-21 00:30:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-08-21 00:25:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Had me by the third paragraph.
big the fuk up.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-20 23:54:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fucking awesome.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-20 23:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-08-20 23:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another +2. This is some of the funniest, well-written
shit I have read in a long time.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-08-20 23:12:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-08-20 23:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is your tongue sore from having it stuck in
your cheek for so long?