Review of Brad Pitt (604 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -0.72 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Travis The Travesty (View user info) at 2005-08-21 05:54:37 EDT
Oh my god, Brad Pitt is totally far out. You could never find a better actor, even if you looked under twelve rocks. I don't care how cool you are, you're not cooler than Brad Pitt. If you multiplied the definition of cool by seventy four and then injected it in your butt then Brad Pitt would still be cooler than you. The first and best part about Brad Pitt is his hair. It's blonde. Blonde hair is so cool, especially when it belongs to Brad Pitt. If Brad Pitt had black hair then he wouldn't be as rad, but I would still be his friend. Brad Pitt's hair is the best. It makes me want to dye my hair, but I know it wouldn't look good as Brad's so why should I even try? Man, I am so jealous of Brad Pitt. If I could make a machine that would turn people into Brad Pitt then I would be rich and earn a million dollars per second and everyone would think I am cool.
Some people make fun of Brad Pitt but are any of these people dating Angelina Jolie? No. They're dating some stupid fat girl who doesn't even have big, cherry lips. What kind of fat chick does this fat chick think she is, she's not even pretty like Angelina Jolie. Her boyfriend should shut up and leave Brad Pitt alone, otherwise I'll bash her. Hey, man, I don't care if she's a woman. She shouldn't let her boyfriend make fun of Brad Pitt. Making fun of Brad Pitt is like killing a parrot and serving it up for dinner: it's not nice. You wouldn't murder a parrot and eat it, so you shouldn't make fun of Brad Pitt. Everyone who makes fun of Brad Pitt is a parrot killer and I'm going to call the police.
Insulting Brad Pitt should be against the law. Here's how I'll handle it: we steal some of Jennifer Aniston's money and use it to build a giant court house. Jennifer Aniston is dumb, because she's not married to Brad Pitt any more. Stupid Jennifer. What was that "Friends" show about? Something about a few losers who think they're all cool, but they weren't. They were losers. Anyway, we steal all Jennifer's money and we build this kickass court house made from gold and mirrors. Brad Pitt's court house needs heaps of mirrors because he is totally awesome and looks like a legend. It also needs gold because gold is expensive like Brad Pitt's shoes. As if Brad Pitt would wear cheap shoes. Cheap shoes are for losers. Losers are dumb. Anyway, back to the court house. In the middle of the court house is a giant throne, where Brad sits. Next to that is a smaller throne for me.
Brad is the Chief Justice and his job is to laugh at all the losers who make fun of him. I will perform every other role, partly because I don't want Brad to get tired and partly because I wanna kill everyone who hates Brad Pitt. Brad is a nice guy so he might forgive people who hate him. I can't allow that to happen. My plan is to kill everyone who hates Brad Pitt by next Tuesday. I could probably do it by next Monday but then I wouldn't get to watch "Meet Joe Black" all day so it will have to be Tuesday. My main job at the court will be to say "we, the jury of me, find you guilty of not liking Brad Pitt." The court has a presumption of guilt and there is no way for the losers to be innocent. After I find people guilty, I take out a gun and shoot their head off. Rad. I rule, but not as much as Brad Pitt. The court will be called "The International Court of Brad Pitt Rules" or maybe the "If you hate Brad Pitt then you are dead Commission". I think both names are sweet but I will let Brad decide.
Whenever I think about Brad I get excited and start running around in circles. Brad is so awesome. He knows how to score chicks, kill a bear, rob a casino, and shoot a gun. I love all of those things and I wish Brad Pitt would teach me how to do them because then I could hang out with Brad Pitt all the time. Brad Pitt and I are exactly the same. We should be friends, but I don't live near him so it's not fair. I bet if I met Brad Pitt in the street he'd say "yo, man, you are exactly the same as me" and then give me a thousand bucks, but I wouldn't be able to take the money because I have principles. Then Brad would be even more impressed because Brad Pitt has principles too and then we'd drink about fifteen beers and play poker and we wouldn't even be drunk. It would be like the movie "A River Runs Through It" except Brad wouldn't die at the end.
If Brad Pitt ever dies then I am going to kill God and smash Jesus in the face. Whenever producers want to make a sad movie all they have to do is make Brad Pitt the star and then kill him at the end. That would be the saddest movie ever, because everyone loves Brad Pitt. Imagine if someone you loved died. You would cry. That's what happens in the movies, when Brad Pitt dies: everyone cries. Even the tough dudes. You don't have to be a girl to cry when Brad Pitt dies in the movies because Brad Pitt is a universal symbol of radness. Brad Pitt dying in a movie is like when someone steals your bike. Man, if someone stole my bike I would kick their ass, but first I would cry. I would cry huge a lake of beautiful tears for my favorite bike that is now gone forever. The same goes for Brad Pitt.
I don't want to say I love Brad Pitt, but I do. He's the best. Do you think you are better than Brad Pitt? If you do then get lost. You are a loser. Brad Pitt is powerful enough to kill seven bears. The holy document "Legends of the Fall" proves this beyond a doubt. In that movie, the child Brad Pitt cuts one of the bear's claws off and the bear runs away because it is totally scared. The child Brad Pitt kicked that bear's ass and that child wasn't even the real Brad Pitt. Imagine if he was the real Brad Pitt. Man, that bear would have got cut in half and there would be blood everywhere and it would be so rad. If you don't believe me then you're an idiot. I hate idiots.
Brad Pitt is rich enough to cancel Christmas. Who cares about Christmas when we have Brad Pitt? I think we should change Christmas's name to Bradpittmas. It would be so much easier that way. All you have to do is buy everyone in your family a picture of Brad and they would be so happy and give you the biggest hug in the world and lots of free candy. Awesome. Another sweet thing about Bradpittmas would be no more Christmas trees. Christmas trees are dumb. What do they even mean? Nothing. They're just trees. All they do is stand around being trees. Brad Pitt is way cooler than a tree. There are like four thousand trees in the world, but only one Brad Pitt. Instead of Christmas trees we should have wax sculptures of Brad Pitt. That would rule. Everything about Brad Pitt is the best, even his nose. Most people have dumb noses, but not Brad Pitt. I think Brad Pitt's nose is magic.
If there was an acting competition between everyone in the world then Brad Pitt would win. If somebody cheated by trying to beat Brad Pitt then he would dress up like a soldier from when he was in "Troy" and totally stab a sword down through the guy's neck and into his heart. That was so rad. The guy thought he was going to kill Brad Pitt but Brad Pitt just ran up to him and jumped and stabbed and then the dude was totally dead in about two seconds. You could never stab a dude like that, but Brad Pitt could because Brad Pitt is the best dude in the world. If you try and get away from Brad Pitt's sword by using a gun then Arnold Schwarzenegger will jump in front of Brad Pitt and your gun won't work because Arnie is made out of metal. This fact was Scientology proven in "The Terminator". If you are wondering why Arnie would save Brad Pitt it is because Arnie and Brad Pitt are best friends. I discovered that on my own by thinking about how cool they both are. Brad Pitt rules. The end.
My rating for Brad is 10 out of 10, but please keep in mind I am a very harsh critic. This is not some stupid fake 10 out of 10, this is a real 10 out of 10.
Hidden extra: you can find my secret review hideout at http://users.tpg.com.au/adsl3a08/reviews/
User Reviews
Submitted by Shadecaster (user info) at 2008-07-24 18:04:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post says it all! Brad Pitt is the fucking MAN! He's hot, a great actor, dates Angelina Jolie, really nice guy, cares about his fans, makes excellent movie.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-08-21 19:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
enough already
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-21 19:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-08-21 06:59:18 (#)
Ranking: -2
one trick pony.
***
I concur
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-08-21 11:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
how about one 'tired sense of humor' post a day?
Submitted by dirtycyberdawg (user info) at 2005-08-21 10:45:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-21 05:58:22 (#)
Ranking: 2
very funny. Brad (Ifeel I can call him Brad) has only been in one truly excellent film and that is se7en.
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Tru Dat
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-21 09:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
not only that, if you would have been patient, your good one could have had more attention.
YOU SCREWED THE POOCH!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-21 08:56:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
The concept isn't bad, as a thematic experience.
It's the execution that sucks ass.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-08-21 06:59:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
one trick pony.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-08-21 06:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm gonna say em right now, before anyone else gets the chance.
ATTN GHEY MENZ
YAR HALO THER BUTTSECKS
RAD1101
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-21 06:37:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sorry bro
Hidden extra: you can find my secret review hideout at http://users.tpg.com.au/adsl3a08/reviews/ = -2die
Submitted by Psycosis (user info) at 2005-08-21 06:36:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Mildy amusing the first time, not so much the second
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-21 05:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very funny. Brad (Ifeel I can call him Brad) has only been in one truly excellent film and that is se7en.