Some kids need to be beaten (1345 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.92 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2005-08-22 18:17:46 EDT
Hello again.
Before I begin, let me set the record straight about myself. I have no children that I officially endorse. I also am not the type of person to tell parents how to raise their kids. You may teach them impersonations, force them to wear trachea-patches and call them voice pirates, if that's what you're into. It's really none of my concern. Frankly, it would be nice to see children doing Michael Jackson for a change. The point is that I'm not writing this as some kind of spanking spokesman.
But know this: your boy will most likely suffer a beatdown at some point in his life, whether it comes from you or somebody else. And the earlier it happens, the better it is for him. Why? Because then he can build up a tolerance and understanding of pain.
It does don't compute exactly the same way when you speak of girls. Women generally talk a good game, but most of the time they are smart enough to want to avoid a physical confrontation. There are only a few locales at which one might expect to end in a fight.
1. Prison
Look, if you're in prison, I'm sure you aren't reading this. But for those of you on Uber who may end up in one someday, allow me to offer a bit of advice. Watch out for a punch to the box with a tin can full of ground beef from the jail cafeteria. The usual nomenclature for the act is a "code red", but the chauvinist in me would prefer that they call it a Sloppy Joe (or at least a Manwich).
If you find yourself in such a situation, all it takes is a can opener and some hamburger helper to surprise the other convicts with your gregarious nature and provide dinner for the entire family in less than 15 minutes.
2. At the Club/Bar
Here is the thing about these places: they're dark. And nobody wants to stumble on to a quarrel with a transsexual or transvestite. Then she has to deal with fighting a man underneath a dress, or even worse, a former man who has had his penis removed, and a giant gash incised between his legs. Hell, I myself would fear that kind of badass. Furthermore (and this is just speculation), I would have to believe that any guy packing a vagina would most likely have a bigger gap than that between Genesis and 1st Corinthians in those giant Catholic priest bibles. Hell, if I woke up with one tomorrow I would still be trying to stretch it around my steering wheel. And if any self-respecting transsexual wants a tight crotch, it would take a LOT of kegel work. Could her thighs snap a jaw in half? Some questions are better left unanswered. Need I remind you why you should not step in her path?
3. High School
Don't worry about it. High school girls go down easy.
For women, that is pretty much all there is to it. But a guy can get his ass kicked virtually anywhere. Who among us has never taken punishment? There are bullies in every school, and even if your kid is the bully, he is getting it from someone else.
"But Tinactin, bullies are actually just cowards. Stand up to them and surely they will back down."
Have you ever heard a bigger crock of shit? You know who the ax falls on for this? Those ABC after-school specials, as well as that cocksucker Captain O.J. Readmore. How the hell can he encourage me to read while I watch his Saturday morning cartoons? Choke on your tail, you fucking hypocrite. And did you see the way he treated those books? He threw them around with abandon, jumping into them, not even bothering to use a book cover. That creature was the Captain Bligh of the literary naval services.
No, bullies are salivating over the chance to make an example out of some brave lad. Well, how about a group of kids standing together, one unified force to stop the bully. He cant beat them all, can he? Terrible logic. Sure, a bully cannot beat every child at once. But he can sure hurt them one at a time. A herd of deer pounding their hooves on a lion might sound like a family of overweight Danes clogging to a Billy Blanks video. But sooner or later a deer will stray from the pack, and then the tyrant will have somebody's head in a toilet bowl full of shit. None of that cleaning solvent that smells nice and turns the water blue for your boy. No, this time it's personal.
But if he has no fear of pain, he wont worry about it.
Once, when I was seven or so, I put a few dimes in my nose, in order to simulate the breathing noises of my asthmatic buddy. When a larger kid walked up and demanded my lunch money, I blew the snot-covered coins in his face. My friend added a few "ka-ching" sounds for comedy. Then he kicked my ass.
Later, I walked up and kicked him in the back while he took a leak. Result: another drubbing. But his fists began to hurt and that was the last time he bothered me.
Perhaps you are saying to yourself, "I should get my son some karate lessons, so he can defend himself." That is a big fucking mistake, and clarifying it is the main reason I wrote this post (sorry I took so long in getting here, but I tend to ramble incoherently).
My nine year old niece recently started taking karate, and I was invited to her advancement test ceremony. She performed very well and will soon receive her yellow belt.
In the aftermath of the event, I was out on the mat play-fighting with her, when some chubby kid wearing a black belt began to high-kick the air around my face, as if I was supposed to be impressed by the fact that he had short legs. I stepped aside and continued with my niece, but he was relentless.
"Fight me! Fight me!"
I looked over at his mother. She was engaged in conversation with the remains of a giant slice of pizza, sucking on it as if it were a rib bone (speaking of which, why the hell do people have to get every possible sliver of meat off of a rack of ribs. Is it really that important to strip it completely clean? God damn!). I knew she wouldn't avert her eyes from food long enough to see what I was doing, so I figured I might as well see what the kid brought to the table.
"Go ahead and attack, cricket."
I waited for him to make his move, but he simply stood there, bouncing up and down. Apparently, he's worthless unless somebody else attacks him first. All I had to do was wait for him to tire and hit him in the face with a 2X4.
But that would be too easy. I stepped toward him and he struck me quickly on the arm. Luckily, I prepared a spare arm for just such an emergency, and used it to throw him across the mat. He was not pleased.
His leg made a move toward my midsection. A fucking slow move, to be exact. I caught it in mid-air and wrapped my hand around his ankle. Unable to break from my grasp, he then attempted one of those Van Damme style roundhouse kicks with the other foot. At that precise moment I took a step back and jerked his leg forward. He fell back, head first into the mat.
The resulting boom got his mother's attention. So did the humiliated boy's fit of crying. Crying! I'm not talking about a five or six year old kid, mind you. He had to be somewhere between twelve and fourteen. And he wasn't even hurt. His head landed on a mat softer than terrorists forcing a coked-up Snuggle Bear being forced to watch a circle jerk on a black shirt (knowing the stains would never come out) at machete-point. It became instantly obvious to me that this kid had never gotten the ass kicking all young males need and deserve. Hopefully he'll encounter a seventeen year old to give it to him soon. Hell, his mother should have been thanking me.
Instead, it was all, "What are you doing to my son?"
"I didn't hurt him. He wanted to practice and I obliged."
"You're bigger than he is."
"So, what is your point? He's a black belt, is he not? There is no crying in Hapkido. Obviously his training isn't working too well for him. Teaching a kid karate is useless. He still has to think on his feet. Unless he's a pro, it probably won't help in a street fight."
"When the other kids pick on Kyle, he keeps them at bay by telling them he's a black belt."
"Let him tell them that anyway. In any case, he's kind of fat. Even if the other teenagers can't kick his ass, they'll settle for mocking him."
She wasn't quite convinced, so we took a trip to the video store so I could chronicle the life of Ralph Macchio. The fear and possibility of her son ending up like the Karate Kid left him disconcerted and emotionally scarred. So we spooned.
User Reviews
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-09-09 18:27:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"But Tinactin, bullies are actually just cowards. Stand up to them and surely they will back down."
Have you ever heard a bigger crock of shit?
its not always a crock of shit.
im 18, about to finish school and yesterday this dumb fuck in my year, came up behind me touched me on the ass, put his hands around my waist and sang "i think you're so sexy in every single way".
i walked away but he came and did it again so i turned around and punched him in the jaw.
i cut my hand on his teeth and he started crying. He is 18 years old.
i dont think he'll bother me again.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2005-08-25 19:15:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the best posts I've read in a long while. I like your haphazard style.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-24 03:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-24 03:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-08-23 11:43:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahahaha!
Excellent.
Be happy. You're receiving my last review ever on Ubersite.
-----
I sincerely hope this was just a joke.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-24 02:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What the fuck? Personally, I haven't gotten into a real fight in a few years. That wasn't really the point of this post at all. I was merely making the argument that it's good for a person to feel pain at a young age so they understand what it means. Hell, if anything, it's the people who dont go through the process that generally have the biggest mouthes. People who have gone through the wars are generally less likely to go looking for something, but if something arises, they know what they're getting into.
If you didnt like the post, it's not a big deal to me, but I think the sentiment behind it is sound. I didn't go looking to pick on some poor kid. Some kid thought he was hot shit because he knew karate, and started bawling at the first sign of humiliation. That is a sign of personal weakness, the type you're more likely to see in a person who has never really felt physical pain.
---------
I do feel a bit bad 'cause it was a well funny post, my rating was too harsh. Sorry 'bout that.
I am right though, if you can't learn to get out of these situations diplomatically then you are at a massive disadvantage. Being able to get the shit kicked out of you is not a life skill and at best just brutalises you.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-24 01:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have only ever been in two fights in my life, both of which were over 7 years ago.
I don't know what that has to do with anything.
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-08-24 01:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I love you from the bottom of my miserable little Airwalks. Oh, and I was on vacation for some time, so that's why the delay in reviewage.
And the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row- it seems farther than ever before. I need you so much closer.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-08-23 17:24:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-23 06:59:49 (#)
Ranking: -2
Orson Scott Card teaches us that there are three ways of dealing with conflict:
1) You surrender, roll over and put your belly in the air, grab the back of your ankles and say "please be gentle", cut your own bollocks off and hand them to your aggressor, etc...
2) You fight, but only strike one blow. One blow so devastating that it destroys your opponents ability to engage in conflict ever again. In other words: I KEEL YOU MUDDAFUKKA, I KEEL YOU DED!
Doesn't really work in civilised society.
3) You make freinds with the aggressor, otherwise known as the diplomatic method. I employed this method and it worked rather well. I'm an oddball and yet I wasn't bullied at school very much, whereas I would have otherwise have had the shit kicked out of me everyday for 9 years.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is, as you say, about teaching important life skills. As an adult it is important to know how to solve your problems with your brain and not your fists. I'm a human being, not a gorilla and I don't need to brutalise myself to get through life. Long story short, I'm going to be a big ghey bastard and -2 this post because too many people are agreeing with the sentiment blindly and that makes me sad. Nothing personal.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
What the fuck? Personally, I haven't gotten into a real fight in a few years. That wasn't really the point of this post at all. I was merely making the argument that it's good for a person to feel pain at a young age so they understand what it means. Hell, if anything, it's the people who dont go through the process that generally have the biggest mouthes. People who have gone through the wars are generally less likely to go looking for something, but if something arises, they know what they're getting into.
If you didnt like the post, it's not a big deal to me, but I think the sentiment behind it is sound. I didn't go looking to pick on some poor kid. Some kid thought he was hot shit because he knew karate, and started bawling at the first sign of humiliation. That is a sign of personal weakness, the type you're more likely to see in a person who has never really felt physical pain.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-08-23 11:52:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-23 06:59:49 (#)
Ranking: -2
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is, as you say, about teaching important life skills. As an adult it is important to know how to solve your problems with your brain and not your fists. I'm a human being, not a gorilla and I don't need to brutalise myself to get through life. Long story short, I'm going to be a big ghey bastard and -2 this post because too many people are agreeing with the sentiment blindly and that makes me sad. Nothing personal.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Pussies don't like dicks, because they get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes and if dicks didn't fuck assholes, assholes will be shitting all over the dicks and pussies until they are wallowing in shit with shit in their pussies and all over their dicks.
Teach your kid to be a dick, not a pussy or an asshole.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-08-23 11:43:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahahaha!
Excellent.
Be happy. You're receiving my last review ever on Ubersite.
Submitted by jet_stream_nz (user info) at 2005-08-23 09:37:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the spooning ... lol
I got a bit lost while reading it, but I read it again and its quite good.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-23 09:34:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Berty whether you agree or not it's still amusing. Besides, how else are you going to leanr to skate it off?
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-23 08:46:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bery.
Quit taking the other side.
You ALWAYS take the other side.
Be a fucking lemming ONCE in your life.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-23 06:59:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Orson Scott Card teaches us that there are three ways of dealing with conflict:
1) You surrender, roll over and put your belly in the air, grab the back of your ankles and say "please be gentle", cut your own bollocks off and hand them to your aggressor, etc...
2) You fight, but only strike one blow. One blow so devastating that it destroys your opponents ability to engage in conflict ever again. In other words: I KEEL YOU MUDDAFUKKA, I KEEL YOU DED!
Doesn't really work in civilised society.
3) You make freinds with the aggressor, otherwise known as the diplomatic method. I employed this method and it worked rather well. I'm an oddball and yet I wasn't bullied at school very much, whereas I would have otherwise have had the shit kicked out of me everyday for 9 years.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is, as you say, about teaching important life skills. As an adult it is important to know how to solve your problems with your brain and not your fists. I'm a human being, not a gorilla and I don't need to brutalise myself to get through life. Long story short, I'm going to be a big ghey bastard and -2 this post because too many people are agreeing with the sentiment blindly and that makes me sad. Nothing personal.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-08-23 06:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go tinactin!
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-23 05:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-08-23 04:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wicked
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-23 03:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Raise my child.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-08-23 03:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by transhuman (user info) at 2005-08-23 00:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ka-ching
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-08-22 23:58:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're lucky as fuck that Van Damme roundhouse didn't connect man, that could have ended your whole deal with being a mexican cause he would have smashed the tastebuds off your tongue. I like it when stories end with a happy spooning session, it makes me think about how I used to think spooning was actually a term for fucking a guy in the ass. Amazing what you learn at college nowadays.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-08-22 23:21:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff as usual.
Submitted by anhhaodinh (user info) at 2005-08-22 22:40:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm bootylicious!
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-08-22 21:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2005-08-22 18:48:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
You spooned with Ralph Macchio? Was it hot?
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-08-22 21:21:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-08-22 19:18:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it when you post.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-08-22 21:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*tough
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-08-22 21:15:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
touch actin
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2005-08-22 19:50:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good as always.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-22 19:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're right.
And a lot of them hang out on UberSite. Let's start here.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-08-22 19:18:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it when you post.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-08-22 19:16:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im still convinced the Walmart check-out line is the best place to beat your children.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-22 18:51:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All boys need to take at least one good beating or they'll never be real people.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-08-22 18:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2005-08-22 18:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You spooned with Ralph Macchio? Was it hot?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-22 18:39:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, I smell franchise opporutunity here - you should start up a chain of Mexican Beatdown Centers®, where parents can bring their kids to get a proper beatdown by a genuine vato!
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-08-22 18:31:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-08-22 18:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always beat little kids before I rape them. It makes them more tender.
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-08-22 18:23:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment nessasary.