2 posts in 1! The Penis of The Lord, and a random thought! (1129 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: healthcare_tales
Rating: 1.82 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Forensic (View user info) at 2005-08-23 02:47:12 EDT
Working in a hospital, you observe some interesting things from time to time. Tonight, I was honored and privileged to meet "The Penis of The Lord." The cops brought him in for a psychiatric evaluation after picking him up on the street.
I was paged to come and draw blood in the ER. My patient was occupying the room next to The Penis of The Lord. As I was waiting for the EKG technician to finish with my patient, I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. When I looked, The Penis of The Lord was just finishing up his prayer and was wrapping his bed sheet around his buck naked body. When he saw that I was looking at him, he threw his sheet back off with what I could only figure as Divine Grace (at least in his Paranoid Schizophrenic mind).
"I am The Penis of The Lord." he said simply.
"I thought I told you to keep your clothes on!" the hospital's security officer blustered as he rushed over to him.
"No! No! I am The Penis of The Lord! You will burn in Hellfire if you touch me! AAAARG!"
The 'aaaarg' came as two other security officers, a nurse with an Ativan injection, and assorted hospital workers went to restrain The Penis of The Lord. After a few moments of tussling, they got The Penis of The Lord down on his bed and were affixing 5-point restraints. 5-point restraints are thick, pig skin leather that straps a patient to their bed by both wrists, both ankles, and one strap across the belly. Normal people cannot escape from these, I don't care how strong you are. Abnormal folks....well....that's another story.
"Oooooorghaaaaaaaa......" The Penis of The Lord proclaimed as the sweet, sweet, Ativan entered his flank.
When the staff assortment backed out of the room, The Penis of The Lord was stretched out on his bed, looking very much sedated.
Or so they thought.
EKG was finished with my patient and I picked my phlebotomy tray up and headed into the room. My patient was wide-eyed and rubbernecking at the wall separating him from The Penis of The Lord.
"Miss, what in the hell is over there?!" he asked me with the same earnestness a child asks a parent about a magician's slight-of-hand illusion.
"Oh, just someone who needs some help." I answered in a non-committal fashion as we are trained to do in order to observe patient confidentiality.
"Wow, do people like him come in a lot?! They must because you seemed like you've seen stuff like that a million times before. You didn't even twitch at all that business!"
I finished drawing my patient's blood and was just walking out of the room when The Penis of The Lord awoke and sought his vengeance.
This fucker somehow had stood up with the bed still strapped to him! Keep in mind, he was just pounded with a healthy dose of Ativan. He (I swear to Odin) was standing in his doorway looking like a crucified man, except instead of a cross, he was crucified on a hospital gurney. I don't know how he managed to do this, so don't ask me. Oh yeah, the sheet had fallen away and he was buck naked again.
"Raaaaawwwwrrggghhhh!!" was all The Penis of The Lord could manage to say presumably because the effort of standing up with a bed on your back and Ativan swimming through your body made speech an impossibility. My patient I had just finished with had crawled to the bottom of his gurney and was peeping around the corner and breathing a Tommy Chong-like 'woah!'
"Oh here we go again!" the security officer huffed as he, and the ER staff once again descended to gain control over The Penis of The Lord.
I just shrugged and made my way back out of the emergency room.
So yeah, I may be a tad seasoned and jaded.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Speaking of teh naughty bits......
I had a thought the other day; if Zeno's Paradox is correct, none of us has ever had sex!
According to Zeno's Paradox, to get from Point A to Point B, you must first travel half the distance, and half the distance of that, and half the distance of that, and so on.
Since numbers are infinite, that means the fractions of distance from Point A to Point B are therefore infinite as well.
This means, in theory, you can never reach Point B.
Apply this to sex; penetration (pick the orifice of your choice) therefore is not possible! The penis (or whatever) can never reach its target.
Think about it!!!!
User Reviews
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-09-21 00:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is so awesome
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2005-09-04 04:14:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How have I not rated this yet?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-09-03 01:14:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oy, you guys! The paradox musings are the ramblings of a crazy woman! They aren't going to make too much sense, yo.
I have been driven bonkers by that damn paradox. I had a professor who was a sadist and loved torturing us by giving us paradoxes to work on.
yes if there is a point B then by definition the space is finite. BUT you have to first travel 1/4 or a 1/2 or 3/4 (whatever) first. Then 1/4 or 1/2 or 3/4 the remaining distance. Then again and again.
In theory (only) you never reach the end.
I was also drinking some wine when I wrote this post.
<sniff sniff> being mean to me just because I'm a little touched in the head.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-09-03 01:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 because the story was somewhat humorous.
-2 because if there is actually a Point B then isn't the distance finite?
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-09-03 00:53:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ummm...yea.
i dont see where youre getting at.
because i just went to get a pepsi
and came back.
that paradox is stupid!
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-09-03 00:49:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It doesn't matter how attractive you are on the outside- you're very attractive on the inside. Especially the firm, pinkish walls of your pussy canal! Let's fuck!
Submitted by ArtificialInsanity (user info) at 2005-08-27 01:12:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-24 12:08:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brand new Shlongy!
Submitted by NumLock (user info) at 2005-08-23 19:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Raaaaawwwwrrggghhhh!!"
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-23 18:51:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I dated him in college.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-23 16:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-23 03:26:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
According to Zeno's Paradox, to get from Point A to Point B, you must first travel half the distance, and half the distance of that, and half the distance of that, and so on.
Since numbers are infinite, that means the fractions of distance from Point A to Point B are therefore infinite as well.
This means, in theory, you can never reach Point B.
Apply this to sex; penetration (pick the orifice of your choice) therefore is not possible! The penis (or whatever) can never reach its target.
------
Actually Bonnie, I don't need to reach point B, I just need to travel half the distance, then I go back to A, then half again to B, then back to A, then half again, then back, then half again, then back....
*ejaculates*
I'mn sorry, were you saying something??
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-23 12:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Saxon and I were chatting last night and comparing our posts and senses of humor. He said we think alike. I said maybe someday he and I should have a Saxon vs. Forensic Uber Showdown post contest.
We both quickly abandoned the idea because we don't want to go up against one another in a competitive manner. We have too much fun telling each other dirty limericks and talking about having me travel to Australia so he can teach me to surf.
Bedsides, the real reason I don't want to go up against Saxon is that he could wipe the floor with me.
Don't tell him I said that, I don't want him to get a big head.
Submitted by interchange (user info) at 2005-08-23 11:42:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So I'm dying to know: how big was the Lord's penis? Or should it be, how big was the Lord's penis' penis?
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-08-23 10:46:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yay lebowski!
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-23 10:13:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-23 09:13:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by killradio (user info) at 2005-08-23 04:19:27 (#)
Ranking: -2
Two posts in one and I only get to give it one -2. I feel cheated.
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You know, some people need alters to be assholes, because they're too afraid that if they're asshats with their regular accounts, they won't be nearly as popular as they are now.
This is one of those people.
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actually, no.
This person does not have a regular account.
he only exists in the shadows of Ubersite.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-23 10:07:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-23 09:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Penis of the Lord story was a little anti-climactic as far as I'm concerned. Sorry.
But the other one reminded me of a much simpler illustration that one of my college buddies used to throw around. "If you stand on one side of a window and put your lips to the glass, and your girlfriend stood on the opposite side of the window and put her lips to the glass, would you two be kissing?" he would ask.
"Ummmm, no?" we would say.
"So," he would continue, "if you wear a condom whilst having the sex . . . ?"
Many Catholic college girls' inhibitions were erased in the face of his inescapable logic. That's all I'm saying.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-08-23 09:13:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by killradio (user info) at 2005-08-23 04:19:27 (#)
Ranking: -2
Two posts in one and I only get to give it one -2. I feel cheated.
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You know, some people need alters to be assholes, because they're too afraid that if they're asshats with their regular accounts, they won't be nearly as popular as they are now.
This is one of those people.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-23 08:58:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel sooooo much better that I'm not alone in not having my Point A reach Point B
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-08-23 08:37:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes! More goodness from a favorite female of mine. No, I mean one of my bitc... No, I mean a favorite of mine who happens to lack the Y chromosone and testicles. Yes, that is what I mean.
"It's got to be your bull"
"Wow. You have de-railed"
"Shut up, Richard"
Submitted by XII (user info) at 2005-08-23 06:45:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gold!!! i love it, also the big lebowski
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-08-23 05:16:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"No! No! I am The Penis of The Lord! You will burn in Hellfire if you touch me! AAAARG"
AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Solid gold right there.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-23 04:45:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by killradio (user info) at 2005-08-23 04:19:27 (#)
Ranking: -2
Two posts in one and I only get to give it one -2. I feel cheated.
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Yay, another idiot.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-23 04:21:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, my first retalitory -2. You may feel cheated but I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Submitted by killradio (user info) at 2005-08-23 04:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Two posts in one and I only get to give it one -2. I feel cheated.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-08-23 04:14:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like paradoxes?
http://www.ubersite.com/m/50247
http://www.ubersite.com/m/50178
God my old posts suck...
and my new ones...
and the period in between them...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-23 04:01:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd forgotten all about Zeno's paradox, when I was a nipper I'd read it in some sci-fi book by Iain Banks, or Robert Rankin. Or somebody.
One of these day's I'm gonna blow all my savings on a team of performers to follow Bonnie around with banners and singers singing 'Bonnie is the shit' untill she's elected president.
Then all of our pizzas will be free.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-08-23 03:59:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rad: http://www.aim.com/get_aim/express/aim_expr.adp?aolp=
Works through HTTP and therefore bypasses just about every firewall. Try it.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-23 03:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no AIM for me for another 6 hours.
Bloody work computers and their download incapabilities.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-08-23 03:47:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We need a late night ubercrowd AIM chat. (Summons Rad)
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-23 03:42:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to use Zeno's Paradox as my excuse for being late to work.
Then I was fired.
Not for being late, but for accidentally setting a vase of dried flowers on fire.
No-one understands me.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-23 03:26:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
According to Zeno's Paradox, to get from Point A to Point B, you must first travel half the distance, and half the distance of that, and half the distance of that, and so on.
Since numbers are infinite, that means the fractions of distance from Point A to Point B are therefore infinite as well.
This means, in theory, you can never reach Point B.
Apply this to sex; penetration (pick the orifice of your choice) therefore is not possible! The penis (or whatever) can never reach its target.
----------------------
it may never quite reach, but it certainly is close enough for jazz.
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-08-23 03:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 because this was good. -1 because your proposition regarding the paradox is nonsensical.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-23 03:18:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great! (and philosophical)
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-23 02:54:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*mumbles incoherently*
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-08-23 02:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha sweet Jesus i nearly fell off my chair.