The Definitive Guide To Traveling In The United States (1602 hits)
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Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2005-08-23 21:07:10 EDT
Well, I'm finally out on the road. My job has slowly turned into a giant factory of estrogen and that god-awful peach lotion some of them use. Five women were hired within two weeks to help milk the cows at the dairy farm I work at. I tried to be subtle about my disdain at first, like burning wigs and tampons in a bathtub filled with bubbles every hour or so. After a few days, I beefed up the animosity and started throwing Molotov cocktails at any billboard I saw with a woman in the ad. Next thing you know the guys have to use toilet paper and watch re-runs of Roseanne Barr's stand-up to understand that women are equal to men in the workplace; they're just a lot louder and more annoying.
I wasn't happy at all with this decision, so I took the most rational route and told my bosses to go fuck themselves. When you work for your parents, and you're around them constantly as I am, they tend to drive you batshit insane. My doctor told me about how he was in a similar situation as I, and suggested that I kill and eat them to end this constant struggle with their authority I was having. After I vomited whatever was left of my respect in to his face, I started actually thinking about it as a possible solution. Look at it this way. I'm 47 years old. I haven't seen a vagina since last year when I went behind Shooters to take a piss and saw a dead hooker in a pile of trash. But my conscience got the better of me in the end, and I decided that maybe I should just travel the country and shed myself of the timeless nothing that was my life to re-evaluate whether or not everything revolves around reality TV like I think it does.
I drove about as far as the southern Ohio border, which is about an hour away from my home before I started losing my mind. Where.....where are all the cows? Guh......marijuana? Tobacco? I don't see them growing anywhere!??!!? I'd never actually left the countryside of my hometown, so Cincinatti was a total culture shock to me. No one wanted to pass me because I'm riding a souped-up golf cart and they're afraid I'm drunk and singing Willie Nelson or some stereotypical shit like that. I'm not a drunk I swear, I know I swerve a lot. It's fun I do it for the pleasure all the time...... I'M NOT A DRUNK!
After crossing the Kentucky border, I ripped up the 15th ticket I've ever gotten for DUI. Is that even legal for a cop to give me a ticket if I'm not driving a car? I'm never going back to that place again I swear, and it's not because I'm an alcoholic I FUCKING CAN'T BELIEVE YOU STILL DON'T THINK I'M SOBER. GFNNNNNNNNNNNNNNHFG. FUCK. GOD, I want to punch you so bad. Oh, no, no, hey, I love you so much. Seriously.
Okay. My past has slowly regressed further and further as I've been moving along through this beautiful nation I live in. You wouldn't believe some of the things that I've already come across in my travels. I kept a log of my adventures in a journal so I could do a re-cap of some of the more exciting states and the things that you can do if you ever visit them!
1. Maine
Maine is like, uh, totally cool, and uh, different. You can go fishing just about anywhere, and it's got a bunch of trees....and mountains. I got drunk at this one bar with like, a dog and this hippie, and they were cool. Every establishment, no matter if it sells food or sports cars, has lobster in the name. Mc Donald's even has a lobster combo which includes a free bag of prescription pills. All the houses are old and supposedly haunted, so hey, sounds like a great place to raise children. Television mostly consisted of public access wrestling or The Price Is Right.
2. Nevada
Nevada has a bunch of great places to visit. I went to a factory in Las Vegas, the only city with a visible halo of pollution, that made plastic boobs for porn stars to practice their money shot on. Uh let's see....I also went to this place with toilets that would give you a great deal on a sofa. That's right, the toilet sold furniture. Only in Nevada.
3. Indiana
Michael Jackson was born in Gary, Indiana. I visited the house he grew up in, and, uh, it was really nice. There were bushes all around the perimeter, someone took damn good care of the roof throughout the years. I went to Indianapolis, which is the birthplace of aviation if you didn't know. Uh, I went to the museum with the planes, and the history, yeah it was fun. I found out that the word horse originated from Indiana. Fancy that.
4. New Jersey
I went to Jersey because I heard they have fantastic beaches on the Travel Channel, and boy were they on the money! That's pretty much all I did was swim in the warm, tropical ocean every day. There's gorgeous women with these sexy, almost Australian accents. You would swear this place is like paradise or something. I also found out that mermaids are real, but only along the Jersey coast. Gas is only a nickel for a full tank and adultery isn't just legal, it's endorsed by their senator.
4. Minnesota
Minnesota.....Minnesota........okay yeah, very cold. Land of a thousand lakes, which could very well be true from what I've seen in my many, many weeks traveling the country. I went to the world's largest mall in St. Paul and rode the roller coaster that's inside. It was ridiculous. I mean this thing had to have been topping out around 95 mph. GOD! You should definitely go because I've done it and I recommend it for sure.
6. East Carolina
I'm not sure if this is a real state but I'm going to wing it, because there's a lot of Carolina's and you have no business confusing me this much. East Carolina was very laid back, and there were a lot of hills. They sell condoms in 5 lb. bulk at the gas stations. Also the home state of rapper Ludacris.
7. Tennessee
My favorite. They sell fireworks and porn and know how to party. Very intelligent, very observant to the materialistic fassets of life. Most of the locals either speak uh, Japanese or Spanish, because they are very intelligent yes, just like I said before, I know.
8. California
It was uh......always nice. I saw a lot of car commercials being filmed. I got "wine" drunk a lot while I was there......
9. Arizona
There's like .....a lot of desert and Indians selling necklaces. I uh.....I also bought the Godfather box set DVD's for 5 dollars from an auction.....
10. New York
New York..........is home of Elvis........and queer-eye..........dolphins and shit like that..............
...........
****
Okay, so maybe I didn't quit my job and travel around the country to write this definitive guide to traveling. Big deal. I've been to Kentucky, I've seen what life can be like on the outside. Don't try and convince me I'm a bad person for trying to brighten your day with tales of my.....whatever the fuck this is. I imagine that New Jersey is pretty, okay? You want to tell me otherwise? You've got to be out of your mind to think I'll believe you over a show that is broadcasted across the globe. Television is the comforting truth which I rest my laurels upon. Chris Matthews and his insatiable appetite to never let anyone but himself speak, Geraldo Rivera and his commitment to delivering the most un-biased source of news possible; these are the guys that have molded my opinions into what they are today.
One day though, I will be free from this hellhole of cow patties and artificial insemination. I will get to taste the cellulite-stricken nipple of a 28-year old stripper in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. I will travel to the depths of the lakes of New Hampshire and discover buried treasure lost long ago by other rich, old white ladies. My time will come soon enough, and I will finally get to fulfill my dream.
....
........
Okay, so maybe I HAVE really been to all those places, and I kind of don't work on a dairy farm with my parents in the country. AT LEAST YOU NOW YOU KNOW THAT EAST CAROLINA IS REAL!!!
User Reviews
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:23:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
red
neck
dont lose any teeth on the farm
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-24 13:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-24 11:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brand new Shlongy!
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-08-24 10:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, the map of the US looks like a buffalo.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-08-24 09:21:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm confused as to why people are still here, and not out on the road using my guide...
Unless you all have cell-phones with that wireless internet mumbo jumbo. I know I say it all the time but seriously, browsing the internet while you're driving should be mandated by law.
Submitted by Mister (user info) at 2005-08-24 08:26:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, and Conneticut.
But nothing good ever came from Conneticut...
Except Diana Taurasi.
But that's it.
Submitted by Mister (user info) at 2005-08-24 08:22:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love how New England is just all plopped together.
TAKE THAT NEW HAMPSHIRE, VERMONT, MAINE AND MASSACH... HOWEVER THE FUCK YOU SPELL IT!
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-24 07:45:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not exactly a moment which defines your greatness, man....
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-24 07:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
4. New Jersey
I went to Jersey because I heard they have fantastic beaches on the Travel Channel, and boy were they on the money! That's pretty much all I did was swim in the warm, tropical ocean every day. There's gorgeous women with these sexy, almost Australian accents. You would swear this place is like paradise or something. I also found out that mermaids are real, but only along the Jersey coast. Gas is only a nickel for a full tank and adultery isn't just legal, it's endorsed by their senator.
--------------------------------------------------
my good man! i regret to inform you that you are deeply mistaken! down here in jerksey, we do have some fantastic beaches...both in the nothern and southern parts of the state. the best beach in northern jersey, Rhode Island, is only about a 3 hours drive from NYC. The best beaches in Southern Jersey, North Carolina, are about a 6 hour drive. once you get there, its really very nice. The mermaids are not in fact mer people, but mutants from the fall out at five mile road island. yeah, we had a nuke accident too. all the people who were forced to move into the state got together, and due to the power of their collective wills, instantly turned a small dog into a high-yield thermonuclear device. you know how that goes...iv'e seen it a thousand times. But you wanna talk about adultry? damn. if you can't get ass in a weekend at these guido bars, you're either not trying, or not a steroid-using c-class-leasing, tribal-tattoo-on-the-bicep-having-spikey-hair-dooed, techno listening, wanna-be-paizon, says-you're-mob-connected, guido wigger. those guys can get laid without trying, the big haired nanny-sounding jersey girls just can't get enough. the gas is not only cheap, you can get it right off the boats! thats the reason theyc all jerksey the garden state...because petrochemical and oil refinery state was too long to fit on a license plate. thats what i learned by watching miss congeniality, anyway. that sandra bullock is haaaat! gas...straigh from mohammad razeed wallace al-jambalaya to the boat to you. filtered, or unfilterd....save a nickle by going unfiltered. give it a shot. really soaks into the capallairies.
i'm going to go play some mini golf.
Submitted by Salvation_Jane (user info) at 2005-08-24 05:09:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-08-24 03:40:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-08-24 01:03:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-08-24 00:49:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Its kind of like swallowing a fly after a great meal.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! DUDE! I SWALLOWED I FLY ONCE! SERIOUSLY!
====
I swallowed a bee once during a hockey game. Apparently it objected to the amount of shouting I was doing and decided to rectify the situation by flying full pelt into the back of my throat. If I hadn't of swallowed it, the terrorists would have won.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2005-08-24 03:32:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-08-24 02:07:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I PLAN TO MOVE TO EAST CAROLINA IN OCTOBER
OK, Raleigh, NC actually... but who knows, it might secede and become East Carolina. I'm waiting...
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-24 01:59:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, I almost forgot my 'shout-out' to the bright-leaf State.
MMmmmmmmmm..... satisfying!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-24 01:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here in the Midwest, we tip cows and watch each other grow disgustingly obese.
I shall one day commit suicide.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-08-24 01:03:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-08-24 00:49:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Its kind of like swallowing a fly after a great meal.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! DUDE! I SWALLOWED I FLY ONCE! SERIOUSLY!
Okay so I was minding my own business, just eating, right? And there this fly that won't fucking leave me and my food alone right. So I take a bite of my food and just as my mouth closes the fly comes in but it's too late and I swallow the food along with the fly.
It.....tasted....fucking....
........awesome.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-08-24 00:55:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOBSTAH!!!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-08-24 00:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Its kind of like swallowing a fly after a great meal.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-08-24 00:40:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OK so guess what this one time I was over a friends house and his dad came down and was like "Hey look I am cool" and then he started dancing and I was like "YEA MAN" and then we started dancing but then my legs went crazy and then all this crazy shit happened and my legs were like "DUDE STOP IT!" and I was like "I CAN'T!!" and it was like one of those movies when the brakes don't work on a car and everyone is freaking out.
It was fun.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-24 00:11:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this guy. Love em'. LOVE EM'!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-08-24 00:03:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know. I don't feel smart after that. i think go bathroom
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-08-23 23:52:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What are you talking about? What channel? VH1?
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-08-23 23:48:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
can't....turn....head.....trainwreck....so beautiful.....to watch......
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-08-23 23:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God damn man. Watch yourself some damn Futurama.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-08-23 23:32:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHH
I'm watching Bobby Brown's reality show. You know, the guy who's married to Whitney Houston. Jesus christ on a platter of fries, the world is ending.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-08-23 23:00:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Satan bathes my rubber ducky
Submitted by Gazbo (user info) at 2005-08-23 22:57:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's alot of information. +2 for effort.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-08-23 22:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-08-23 22:30:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DELAWARE
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2005-08-23 22:23:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
god i'm so hungover
**junkie
bad alcohol induced retardism!
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-08-23 22:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Should have pretended to go to Illinois.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-23 22:09:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2005-08-23 21:55:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
you are now a junky,!
***
as in jetsam?
Submitted by FallenZer0 (user info) at 2005-08-23 21:55:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ew you swam in the ocean here in NJ?
you are now a junky, and the proud owner of hepititus C!
(well i guess it depends on the beach, but yeah. most of them are kind of nasty.)
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2005-08-23 21:40:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-23 21:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's okay, Marge. I've learned my lesson. A mountain of sugar is too
much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those
tiny packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii.
-- Homer Simpson
Lisa's Rival
Come to Florida. We'll go to a strip club or some shit like that. And I'll even help you get rid of the dead hookers.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-08-23 21:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GLAL you owe me a new pair of underpants cause this post made me piss the ones i have on, laughing. Id like a nice pair of spider man undies thank you.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-23 21:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Phallic, maybe you should lay off the codeine buddy. I'm just saying that because I care. I don't want you to turn into Courtney Love.
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-08-23 21:20:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who used all the hot water? The fountains are clotted with precious stones and I keep thinking of this zebra with yellow teeth i promised to name a constellation after while billie holiday was floating at the bottom of a glass somewhere in a dark blues bar but stormy weather and down comes the night and stars fall on Alabama. But i liked this. +++
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-23 21:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa, Jeanneee the hip-hop librarian.
LUDA LANDED IN THE ATL, WHERE THA PIMPS AND THA PLAYAZ DWELL.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-23 21:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-23 21:17:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Mc Donald's even has a lobster combo which includes a free bag of prescription pills"
I would fuckin supersize that.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-23 21:13:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excuse me but Georgia is Ludacris's home state.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-08-23 21:12:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woman: Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very
valuable stone gargoyle, and -- Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.
Bart After Dark
--------------
Hmm I seem to be missing my pants as well.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-23 21:09:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good little post. Not going in my GLALL tribute though.
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-08-23 21:07:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment