Sunburn (2774 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.96 on 131 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-08-25 06:06:45 EDT
I got the worst sunburn of my life when I was twelve. I don't burn easily; never have. I have the olive skin of that one rogue Spaniard, who snuck into my family tree and now sits, lazy and self-satisfied, preening himself on an offshoot of my Great-Grandfather's legacy; swarthy evidence of my Great-Grandmother's less than Christian morals. The blood that lay dormant for a couple of generations has sparked to life in me; in a family of fair skinned Dutch and Irish descendants, I stand out like a sore thumb.
When I was young, we used to take our vacations up the coast. Leeman was 330 km, as the crow flies; longer by the winding, circuitous roads that lead there. We'd take the 1978 Landcruiser up, and the three kids would be in the back, on those torturously uncomfortable metal bench seats that ran along the sides of the car. We'd argue over who got to sit in the spare tire, because if you threw a couple of towels in it to cushion the steel centre it made a comfortable recliner.
Seatbelts? We don't need no steenking seatbelts.
After four or five hours of driving, listening to the godamned cricket, trying to read, trying to pinch my sister without getting yelled at by Dad, and after experiencing the joys of Bush Aircon - ie, windows rolled down - we'd arrive at Leeman. Very small, very coastal - not a vacation spot. But Dad knew a guy who knew a guy who had a shack up there, and this other guy owed Dad because Dad had built his retaining wall. The barter system of small towns. It was all very complex and careful; large men in stubbie shorts and thongs arranged these trades over beer in the back shed, and most of the speaking was done during the silences. It was an amazingly delicate process; each of these rough men, who worked at the abbatoir just like my Dad, was a diplomat born.
The end result, though, was us having two weeks' access to a corrugated iron shack, right there on this idyllic, hidden, unspoiled beach. No electricity, no running water, but dear god we loved it.
I remember the iron-scented heat inside. I remember damp towels over the windows and Mum sweltering gracefully on a deck chair.
Early one morning, I was prodded awake by my Dad's large calloused foot. "Up, Lyndy, we're going out to the reef." "Blagh fffffrwooo ngh" failed to make him leave me alone. I'm stubborn, he's worse, and within ten minutes we were standing outside the shack, blinking in the actinic light, dazzled by the reflection on the water. I grabbed my snorkel off the bench and started down.
"No, put a shirt on over your bathers. You'll get burnt, even with sunscreen on."
Sigh. Shirt on, increasing the temperature by about a zillion degrees. Back down to the beach and into the blessed, silky cold ocean.
"Right," said Dad. We were treading water, out above the sandy bottom, just before the kelp beds. "You stay behind me, to the left. You stay right there, okay? No wandering off." I made a very amusing puppet with my hand that mimicked Dad's mouth. I'd heard it all before.
We spat in the goggles - it stops them fogging up - and put them on, and then we were off. I've never found anything quite as harmlessly repulsive as kelp dragging across my skin as I swam over it, watching the fish down among the roots. We swam over the kelp, over the huge oval that was grassed by short, lawnlike weed and dotted with poisonous cone shells.
The reef was beautiful. I, being a young girl of a profoundly stupid disposition, reached out and wrapped my hand around a brightly coloured stalk of coral. The deep sting in my palm preceded by a second the bright cloud of wavering red in the water. I surfaced, gasping, and Dad came up a second later.
"What's happened?"
"I cut my hand."
"You're an idiot."
"Yeah, I know."
He looked at me. "Do you want to go back in?"
I looked at my hand. The wound was ugly and jagged but the pain had faded to a dull throb. I looked at the water around us; I'd been begging to swim out to the reef for days, and I didn't know when I'd get another chance. "No... what do I do about my hand, though?"
He shrugged. "Wrap your shirt around it."
I struggled out of the wet clinging fabric and wrapped it tight around my hand. The bleeding stopped, and I nodded, and we sank back under the surface. I could feel the sun on my back, but the water washing over my skin stopped it feeling too hot.
Past the reef, to the dropoff, and I stopped breathing for a second as the impact of it hit me like a train. So fucking BIG, and blue, and deep. "Here there be dragons", I thought, and shuddered. I was a pretentiously bookish little thing, even then.
I looked for a while, then turned back to the reef, and the Great White that was drifting slowly back and forth over the sand captured every single bit of my attention. I froze, still as death. I saw my Dad from the corner of my eye. He was turning too, and I saw him freeze as he spotted the shark. He pointed up with his thumb and we surfaced at the same time.
"Don't splash," was all he said.
I was shaking. "Do we swim back in?"
He looked at the distant shore thoughtfully, and looked back at me. "Slowly. Very, very slowly. No splashing. Keep your arms and feet under the water and for god's sake keep that shirt wrapped around your hand. The last thing we need is you bleeding."
I lowered my head back into the water and watched the shark cruising placidly 10 feet bleow me. I swam. As slow as possible, as smoothly as I could. It took us two hours to get back to shore. I expected to feel teeth ripping my legs apart every second of it. Dad told me years later that he was saying to himself "Poke it in the eyes. The eyes. In the eyes."
I got the worst sunburn of my life when I was twelve. My skin blistered, peeled, then blistered again. But, considering the alternatives, I didn't mind too much.
User Reviews
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:45:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just shit my pants.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:37:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:28:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Now this was great
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Yeah, wow.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-06 16:28:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now this was great
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-08-31 00:06:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this is nice and engaging and evocative, well written, i enjoyed reading it.
the only suggestion i have is to do with believablity. two hours seems an absurdly long time to swim back from a reef that apparently didn't take that long to get to. i remember another story of yours where the narrator was clutching a stillborn fetus for some incredible length of time.
now maybe both stories are actually true, in which case it would be quite hard for you yourself to see them as incredible and change them. but for me, they wuld have read better as stories, would have been more believable, without those bits. as i say though, if they are just accounts of real events it would be hard for you to pick up on their unbelievablity in the context of a written story.
on the other hand, if you are giving in to the temptation of embellishing or spicing up your stories by making them larger than life, it shouldn't be too hard to change your ways.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-08-30 07:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU THAT RUIN THIS PLACE
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2005-08-29 17:31:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Undeniably brilliant.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-29 12:10:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
!fantastico!
Submitted by malefic (user info) at 2005-08-29 02:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
never mind i was reading too fast. :p
Submitted by malefic (user info) at 2005-08-29 02:25:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really like the first paragraph.
One thing I don't understand: when the narrator says "I looked for a while, then turned back to the reef," has she seen the shark yet or not? Was "here be dragons" foreshadowing/intuition or reaction?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2005-08-29 00:00:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What an awesome story.
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2005-08-28 00:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
then what happened?
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-08-27 20:48:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit, the same thing happened to me once when I was like 6.
I was boogie-boarding at Newport Beach in southern california when all of a sudden I saw it- a great big shit, floating on the waves.
My eyes widened like a dilated cervix.
My mouth dropped and I ran out of the waves... screaming...
"SHIT!!! SHIT!!! I SAW A SHIT! I SAW A SHIT!"
Dozens of people stared at the curly flaxen-haired imp racing up the beach as fast as he could, screaming "I SAW A SHIT!!! I SAW A SHIT!!!"
The End.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-08-26 21:06:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
X. Cel. En.
Submitted by optide (user info) at 2005-08-26 19:15:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:31:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
No not the Komodo.
This is gonna get to most heated with us talking about aussie fauna and all being to polite to break you +2 streak.
I can't remember the Australian ants name, but other badass ants include the velvet or 'cow killer' ant, and African Seofu.
The farns local to Seofu have people on watch for colums of them, and when they arrive they get all the livestock indoors and block the entrances with fires.
Seofu is the only type of ant which has been known to kill people, not with stings, but by swarming them and ripping them to bits.
Seofu country is right in the heart of elephant country, but has no elephants.
Local Racial memory says that elephants avoid seofu.
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The ripping to bits part is right, but thats not actually what kills you. You die when they make it to your head and swarm into your lungs, suffocating you. Nifty, isn't it?
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-08-26 18:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
circe is Uber.
dont ever change.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-08-26 17:58:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted to B@W
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-08-26 17:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...
just fuckin' wow!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-08-26 17:19:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had to stop by and bask once more in the radiant greatness that is this post.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2005-08-26 15:59:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit you write well.
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-08-26 14:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It was all very complex and careful; large men in stubbie shorts and thongs arranged these trades over beer in the back shed, and most of the speaking was done during the silences"
________________________________________________________________________________________
Great line. Actually, all of it was great. Saying it was well-written wouldn't be complimentary enough. This is publishable. Right now.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-08-26 00:25:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Since I can't seem to ever get most heated anymore, I will live vicariously on the most heated list through your posts.
Actually, I don't mind not being on the most heated list. I am more interested in supplying a quality product for those who want to read my stuff.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:49:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh NO
Don't tell Mike
I'd hate for Mike to think I was a bad girl who needed punishment
Mmmmmmmmm.........punishment.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-08-25 22:59:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is actually a +3, but the stupid pull-down seems to be broken. You should be honored, it's my first +3 ever.
Although, I have to admit that when I read the phrase "Bush Aircon" the first two things that came to mind, in rapid succession, were that famous pic of Marilyn Monroe standing over the Manhattan sidewalk grate, and the president's alleged national guard service...
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-25 22:38:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You could have just cursed at the shark. I'm willing to bet that even at 12, you still would have blistered his ears/sensory organs and sent him scurrying off to Somewhere Else in fear for his life.
Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2005-08-25 20:08:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great flow.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-25 19:52:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:44:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Same thing happened to me in Salina Cruz in Mexico on Feb 12 1981.
I was on a boogie board(sp?) and the water was so clear I could see both a school of
barracudas and about 4 big sharks(that I couldn't identify) that were chasing the
barracudas around and around and around.
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how long were you there??? did they swim away??
what happened?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-25 19:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good thing you didn't become shark food - who would entertain us here?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-08-25 19:44:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's incredibly scary. I would probably be too petrified to move.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-08-25 17:49:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And can I say I'm loving the drama free heat! WOOT
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-08-25 17:49:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna swim on the reef!
well, technically around the reef, but you know what I mean.
awesome story, Circe
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2005-08-25 17:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a memory.
Shark's don't like the taste of humans and I'm sure it could tell by the smell of your blood that you weren't on it's menu. Interesting that it followed you though. Creepy...it must've been hungry!
Submitted by NumLock (user info) at 2005-08-25 17:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are sharks attracted to urine? Because I'm pretty sure that Id've pissed myself.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-08-25 16:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-25 11:12:18 (#)
Ranking: 2
We went to Brighton Pier. That's south coast isn't it?? Beach there is made of rocks, big ol', size of my toes rocks. I need sleep sorry.
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Me best friend lives in Brighton, currently. I call her house the "room of doom"
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2005-08-25 16:57:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nicely done.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2005-08-25 16:46:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was just awesome in a bottle.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2005-08-25 16:31:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2005-08-25 16:19:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff... but, "large men in stubbie shorts and thongs"??
-Shudder-
How do you know your Dad wore thong underwear?
*Shudder*SHudder*
oh. flip-flops.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-08-25 15:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are such a badass.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-08-25 13:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If your swimming is as strong as your writing, you could have outswam the Great White on his best day.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2005-08-25 12:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I could have started my sunburn story with your exact first sentence.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-08-25 11:18:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
once, i stayed out on the beach from sun-up to sun-down.
the next day my skin turned purple and bubbles began forming.
pretty nasty.
unrelated linkwhore?
yes!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/73892
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-25 11:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-25 11:05:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty - I did, about ten minutes ago? or twenty?
It's not my fault. I forget to email everyone, all the time. It's the brain damage.
See how I can take a negative and just spin it into a safety net to fit any situation?
YOU CAN'T LEARN THAT. IT HAS TO BE INSTINCTIVE.
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True, it is one of your most endearing qualities.
That and your boobs.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-25 11:12:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We went to Brighton Pier. That's south coast isn't it?? Beach there is made of rocks, big ol', size of my toes rocks. I need sleep sorry.
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We call those pebbly beaches, I used to go shrimping round them as a boy.
*eyes go all wistfull for a moment*
There was this little bit off anglesey where we had this caravan and my family where freinds with this other family so their kids and me and my sister would go shrimping. We'd catch hundreds of them.
I went back with my freinds when I was 16. We didn't catch a thing. That's when I remembered I hated shrimping. I just loved the feel of those rocks. I knew each and every one of them, I remembered ever knick and crack in those igneous mothers. My mates where stumbling about cursing and complaining. I just ran through, I didn't need to look at my feet.
Sandy beaches are a big pile of ghey by comparison.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-25 11:05:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty - I did, about ten minutes ago? or twenty?
It's not my fault. I forget to email everyone, all the time. It's the brain damage.
See how I can take a negative and just spin it into a safety net to fit any situation?
YOU CAN'T LEARN THAT. IT HAS TO BE INSTINCTIVE.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-25 11:02:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:29:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:22:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
The weirdest thing is going to England and discovering that their "beaches" consist of large stones. No sand.
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Where the hell did you go? scotland? wales?
thanks to global warming our beaches are pretty nice, especially on the south coast, and all those old people have finally died so girls who dare to suinbathe topless no longer get stoned by the wrinklies.
But in the height of summer I wouldnt go swimming off cornwall if I were you, we get Great whites these days.
Hey, Im really patriotic aren't I
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We went to Brighton Pier. That's south coast isn't it?? Beach there is made of rocks, big ol', size of my toes rocks. I need sleep sorry.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-25 11:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:49:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh NO
Don't tell Mike
I'd hate for Mike to think I was a bad girl who needed punishment
PLEASE DON'T THROW ME IN THE BRIAR PATCH
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*looks skeptical* I'm sure you'd be mortified if Mike where to bend you over his knee.
How come you haven't emailed me in a while? I may be an alter but I still get bored you know.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:53:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great post again circe.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh NO
Don't tell Mike
I'd hate for Mike to think I was a bad girl who needed punishment
PLEASE DON'T THROW ME IN THE BRIAR PATCH
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:37:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
WE COULD HAVE RADIATION WARNINGS IF WE WANTED THEM!!
GAH!!
AND WE'D STILL GO SWIMMING BECAUSE WE'RE FUCKING BADASS
AND AND AND AND I DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU SO THERE
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SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
JUST CAUSE I'M BELLEBROWN'S ALTER DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT REAL!
*cries*
YOUR A BIG MEAN MEANY HEAD AN' I'M GONNA TELL ON YOU TO BIGMIKE!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:37:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WE COULD HAVE RADIATION WARNINGS IF WE WANTED THEM!!
GAH!!
AND WE'D STILL GO SWIMMING BECAUSE WE'RE FUCKING BADASS
AND AND AND AND I DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU SO THERE
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:25:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
BigMike - Name the day.
Berty - MY BEACHES DO NOT SMELL LIKE SEWAGE YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Just because you're jealous..*sniffles*
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I'VE NEVER SEEN THEM, SO I DON'T BELIEVE YOU! IN FACT I'VE NEVER SEEN AUSTRALIA SO I DON'T BELIEVE IN THAT EITHER!
AND I'M NOT JEALOUS, WE HAVE RADIATION WARNINGS ON OUR BEACHES! HOW COOL IS THAT, HUH?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:29:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:22:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
The weirdest thing is going to England and discovering that their "beaches" consist of large stones. No sand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Where the hell did you go? scotland? wales?
thanks to global warming our beaches are pretty nice, especially on the south coast, and all those old people have finally died so girls who dare to suinbathe topless no longer get stoned by the wrinklies.
But in the height of summer I wouldnt go swimming off cornwall if I were you, we get Great whites these days.
Hey, Im really patriotic aren't I
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:25:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BigMike - Name the day.
Berty - MY BEACHES DO NOT SMELL LIKE SEWAGE YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Just because you're jealous..*sniffles*
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The weirdest thing is going to England and discovering that their "beaches" consist of large stones. No sand.
Submitted by Chazzy (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:19:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story... I love the way you write.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:17:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Mrs Furfurmnrr..."
"Who?"
"Mrs Burumpinoo..."
"Who is this?"
"Singing telegram."
Awesome story, Circe. I love the way you tell stories.
You know, with words, and stuff.
Why would anyone vacation in a shack made of metal on hot days? Aren't those the 'hot-boxes' that prisoners get tossed into when they kill a prison guard or something? It's a torture device, not a vacation paradise.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:12:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate the ocean. I blame my milky white, freckle-free skin. Also the fact that I hate sand up my asscrack.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Of course
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:06:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
perhaps in merry olde engerland but other places are very nice.
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I've been to Florida and checked the coast out there. It stank of old people.
Submitted by Arthur_Dent (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:05:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes I hear the cost off Nevada is lovely.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:02:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-25 09:55:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-08-25 09:50:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story. I've never been to the ocean. *cries*
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Don't worry, the sea smells of sewage. You're not missing anything.
-=---------------
perhaps in merry olde engerland but other places are very nice.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-08-25 10:01:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-25 09:55:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-08-25 09:50:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story. I've never been to the ocean. *cries*
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Don't worry, the sea smells of sewage. You're not missing anything.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-25 09:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew when you cut your hand that you should not have stayed in the water...off the coast of Australia no less.
Good story.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-25 09:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had kind of glazed over paragraph #4 on the first read.
That is art.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-08-25 09:50:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story. I've never been to the ocean. *cries*
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-08-25 09:46:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great. Per usual.
Submitted by FWFIV (user info) at 2005-08-25 09:43:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-08-25 09:26:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As soon as I read "I cut my hand" and connected it with you being in in the ocean I knew where this was going. I'm honestly, honestly suprised that you're still alive.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-25 09:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:14:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
<doorbell rings>
Lady: Who is it?
Landshark: Plumber.
Lady: I didn't hire a plumber. Who is it!?
Landshark: Flowers.
Lady: What... for who?
Landshark: Plumber
Lady: ...you're...that crazy shark aren't you?
Landshark: No maam, I am just a dolphin.. will you let me in please?
Lady: A dolphin! OK!
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Or the all-time classic....
Candygram!
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-08-25 09:00:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
C'mon no shark would be brave enough to take you on.
Sharky...oO(If I move slowly maybe she won't break her foot of in my gills and bite chunks out of my pectoral fin)
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-25 08:54:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great little post. Great little story.
The fourth paragraph was ART. Pure and simple. You'll be published someday.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-08-25 08:51:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will say this once again.
You, me, a couple of pots of coffee, and a long afternoon.
Please.
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2005-08-25 08:51:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you swam in a sea which has sharks!
SHARKS!
fuck that.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-08-25 08:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-25 08:30:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading your stuff puts a smile on my face
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-08-25 08:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What can I say?
None of us are too long for this world, just make whatever you do matter.
Stir the pot.
And yes, my Mum has an uncompromising view... she thinks "do it or don't... just don't pretend... it's fucking boring."
Hear, hear, Mum.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-08-25 08:08:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
classic
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-25 08:08:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:38:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
My parents live in the Adelaide hills overlooking the city. Their house looks over a national park, then the city, then the sea - quite stunning. They have koalas in their trees, pissing in their pool.
Quaint.
Yesterday, a student from the University of Adelaide was gobbled by a shark. My mother's reaction was:
"The silly prick was diving for CUTTLEFISH EGGS in the most notorious, most fished and shark prone area in the world. Paid tax to put a PHD student in a shark's guts for nothing. Idiot."
____________
Your mum is brilliant.
A while back we had a guy taken off Cottesloe, and immediately it was being hunted down to be killed.
"But it's endangered!"
"Well, yes, but that was, like, before it killed someone. Before."
Makes me furious. It's not as though we belong in there. If a shark wanders into the mall and starts eating kids, fine, take it out THEN.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-08-25 08:06:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Barnymeinhoff - may I share a very Australian thing with you?
I used to live in an apartment opposite the wickedly named Harold Hold Swim Centre.
No shit, bugalugs: http://www.stonnington.vic.gov.au/lifestyle/sport/aquatics/haroldholt
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-25 08:05:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being a Texan and an American (read: badass), I would have swum straight down to that pussy little shark and said "Get the fuck out of here before I rape you." He'd have left too, or suffered the consequences.
Didn't know you were such a wimp, Circe.
Goddamned wimpy Australians.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-25 08:03:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's all good, Apollo. Anything over 2 on thirty starts to get embarrassing.
I honestly have to say I have never in my life seen a four foot lizard, and I've seen a lot of things.
Komodo dragons, on the other hand are huge and deadly and stink and kill people... it's all I can think of.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-08-25 08:02:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Harold Holt set the standard.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:57:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh fuck.
sorry old bean, didn't mean to ruin the streak.
soemone would ahve eventually though.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:54:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:43:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
I found a lizard in my shoe once when I was putting it on.
Dangers of living in the desert.
^ ^^^^ ^
ahahahahaaa Noww,
i can pasd out now with a smile on my face
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's like "Finding Nemo," but you're a girl instead of a Clown Fish.
Very well told.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:43:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:39:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Whale sharks should eat whales, its false advertising otherwise.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I blame ethnic minorities, like londoners and the welsh.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:43:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I found a lizard in my shoe once when I was putting it on.
Dangers of living in the desert.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:42:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apolooooo....
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:41:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oddly enough I have no fear of sharks for the simple reason that they are unlikely to crawl out of my shoe.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:40:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And here's an article about the "educated near doctor" who swam with the fishes: http://www.theage.com.au/news/national/search-for-shark-victim-called-off/2005/08/25/1124562959701.html
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:39:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whale sharks should eat whales, its false advertising otherwise.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:38:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My parents live in the Adelaide hills overlooking the city. Their house looks over a national park, then the city, then the sea - quite stunning. They have koalas in their trees, pissing in their pool.
Quaint.
Yesterday, a student from the University of Adelaide was gobbled by a shark. My mother's reaction was:
"The silly prick was diving for CUTTLEFISH EGGS in the most notorious, most fished and shark prone area in the world. Paid tax to put a PHD student in a shark's guts for nothing. Idiot."
Yep, you learn to live with things that can kill you or you don't.
Live, that is.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:38:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so bored.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Basking sharks are vegetarians. So are whale sharks.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you were fine...sharks are vegetarians...
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:33:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All this talk about Goanna has gotten me excited.
-----------------------
Out here nothin' changes, not in a hurry anyway
You feel the endlessness with the comin' of the light o' day
We're talkin' about a chosen place
You wouldn't sell it in a marketplace, well
Well just a minute now
Standing on solid rock
Standing on sacred ground
Living o-on borrowed ti-i-i-ime
And the winds of change are blowin' down the line
Right down the line
Round about the dawn o' time, When dreamin' all began
A croud o' people came
Well they were looking for their promised land
Were running from the heart of darkness
Searching for the heart o' light
Well it was their paradise
But they were standin' on - solid rock
Standing o-on sacred grou-ound
Living o-on borrowed ti-i-i-ime
And the winds of change were blowing cold that night
Oh
They were standin' on the shore one day, Saw the white sails in the sun
Wasn't long before they felt the sting, white man, white law, white gun
Don't tell me that it's justified, 'cause somewhere, someone lied
Yeah well someone lied, someone lied, genocide
Well someone lied, oh, ahh
And now you're standing on - solid rock
Standing o-on a sacred grou-ound
Living o-on borrowed ti-i-i-ime
And the winds of change are blowin' down the li-ine
Solid rock, Standing on sacred ground
Living o-on borrowed ti-i-i-ime
And the winds of change are blowing down the line
Solid rock, Standing o-on sacred grou-ound
Living o-on borrowed ti-i-i-ime
And the winds of change are blowing down the line
Oh-oh-oh no, NO-O
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:32:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's a drop bear?
*twirls long blonde hair whilst chewing gum and bouncing head about*
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No not the Komodo.
This is gonna get to most heated with us talking about aussie fauna and all being to polite to break you +2 streak.
I can't remember the Australian ants name, but other badass ants include the velvet or 'cow killer' ant, and African Seofu.
The farns local to Seofu have people on watch for colums of them, and when they arrive they get all the livestock indoors and block the entrances with fires.
Seofu is the only type of ant which has been known to kill people, not with stings, but by swarming them and ripping them to bits.
Seofu country is right in the heart of elephant country, but has no elephants.
Local Racial memory says that elephants avoid seofu.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thorpe, you're joking about the Koalas....right?
When I was there I never heard any stories from alot of dudes I met who seemed to enjoy
telling horror stories to tourists for more than 'insurance' purposes.
I don't remember, but are those in the NW area only?
Nevermind, I'll check it out on Killer S.
In any event some of those dudes were a little over the top with their cautionary tales.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:27:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was 19, I was asleep in my bed in Adelaide, and I was awoken to the sting of an inch ant biting me 2cm from by balls.
Now THERE'S your early morning wake up call.
Then I killed it. Butch old me.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe your thinking of the Komodo Dragon? Lives in Indonesia?
It's a big, fat, lazy, bastard.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:17:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am only going on my experiences with them where if you try to get anywhere near them they run away. I suppose the fact that they're near parks and campsites prove they're not really afraid of humans. What you're describing does sound like a goanna.
Damn, I thought I had you going there.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no you didn't thorpe, I knew already, you were quite convincing I was begging to think that some old hunter had actually convinced you they exist.
Are you sure about those BBQ invading lizards? Im pretty sure it was in australia, looked 4/5footlong, but not very tall. certainly not afradi of people like I say it crashed the barbie and stole the steak.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
Right you are, Thorpe.
Make sure you tell him about their heavy padded rear ends that they use to knock people unconscious when they launch from their treetop battle command.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:09:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHUT UP CIRCE I HAD HIM GOING
IXNAY ON THE UTHTRAY ABOUT THE OPBEARSDRAY
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:07:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thorpe - I used to see racehorse goannas when I lived out in the sticks. Those fuckers are FAST, and big.. but I've never heard of a lizard killing anyone.
Stop screwing around with the drop bear thing. Drop bears and hoop snakes aren't real, people; we just like to scare tourists.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/55453 - I wrote a thing about Australian fauna a while back. I'm a patriot.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-25 07:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, not iguana, goanna.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:59:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In that case Im thinking of somewhere other than austrailia, ive seen footage of the lizards invading a BBQ and stealing the meat, and the Ants Im thinking of are definately lethal.
If fire ants are the same as red ants then we have them in the UK too, they do have a nasty sting.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:58:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Most animal deaths would probably be some kind of snake. There really aren't that many fatalities, it's blown out of proportion. We have a sensible populace.
There was a shark attack today though, all over the news.
Read Bill Bryson's "Down Under", also known as "A Sunburnt Country" for a hilarious insight into a Brit/Yank's perspective on our attitudes to our charmingly harmful fauna.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:57:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. Well, maybe not awesome, but a damn good post, if you see what I mean.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:55:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:46:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Drop bears...excellent, correct me if Im wrong but isnt the most deaths by animanl in australia casued by some sort of ant? bull ant or something?
You also have one big ass lizard I think.
...Drop bears...
--------------------------
Fire ant you'd be thinking of there. And I don't think they've actually killed anybody. I know there was a huge public awareness campaign around the country to prevent fire ants spreading though. I was bitten on the foot by one once, and I am telling you, it was the most intense localised pain I've ever experienced. It didn't go away for about six hours either, and would flare up within seconds as soon as I removed the ice.
Drop bears don't cause many deaths at all, because they're pretty much extinct now from hunting. I've never seen one, but they're meant to be pretty damn freaky. Kind of like a koala with claws, that'll drop on you and scratch the shit out of you.
Big ass lizard? Probably the iguana, or lace monitor. I've seen heaps of them, mostly at parks, but they don't like to be near humans. They climb trees too, it's a pretty cool sight to see one of them hauling their way up a tree trunk.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:51:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats badass.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm dating a scottish girl at the moment, I'm from Australia. She's been to Oz a couple of times but has NEVER swum at our beaches because she's so scared of sharks. I told her about a couple of close calls I've had with sharks when I've been surfing, and she vowed to never go swimming again.
Enough of my rambling bullshit, this was a wicked good post.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drop bears...excellent, correct me if Im wrong but isnt the most deaths by animanl in australia casued by some sort of ant? bull ant or something?
You also have one big ass lizard I think.
...Drop bears...
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:44:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Same thing happened to me in Salina Cruz in Mexico on Feb 12 1981.
I was on a boogie board(sp?) and the water was so clear I could see both a school of
barracudas and about 4 big sharks(that I couldn't identify) that were chasing the
barracudas around and around and around.
I've never surf-boarded(sp?) but I managed to get my 6'6' frame entirely on that little
tiny boogie board and learned, by necessity, how to yogi and balance real quick
I had been out all day, and the addititonal hour or so of that put me over the top in the
sunburn department.
I remember the thumping headache! and the heat my body put off the entire night.
I stayed in the cold shower for most of the night.
After......the sharks were a meh, but the purpose of this story is:
I was arrogant and stupid and ventured into an area that was well posted in Spanish, not
to use that particular beach because of sharks.(Show off for my new squeeze)
I was severely punished. It pretty much ruined the trip, but I did learn about turtle oil.
I have felt your Pain, and it is quite unpleasant.
I hate to think what bad burn(fire victims) have to go through.
<shuddershudderstayperfectlystill>
Because I sometimes dislike the length of some replys, I apologize.
Joe
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:40:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The koala is completely adorable. You're thinking of drop bears. Now there's some freaky shit.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A KOALA KILLED MY DADDY YOU INSENSITVIE BASTARD!!!!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:38:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's all true by the way, I read it in the bible.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:37:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Not so, all British children are told stories of the hideous monsters that inhabit australia. Poisoness spiders, snakes, fish, stones and not forgetting the koala bear. Not a lot of people realise just how dangerous the koala is.
--------------------------------
The koala is completely adorable. You're thinking of drop bears. Now there's some freaky shit.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:37:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:24:21 (#)
Ranking: 0
Damned right Berty.
If we had rattlesnakes and bears, I'd be out there right now kicking their asses.
Fortunately we don't so I've never had to prove it.
I'm a wuss.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not so, all British children are told stories of the hideous monsters that inhabit australia. Poisoness spiders, snakes, fish, stones and not forgetting the koala bear. Not a lot of people realise just how dangerous the koala is.
See, they all eat teh eucalyptus leaves together off the tree so when they dribble the goo from the leaves (they're animals and thus have no manners) it collects on the head of the bear beneath them. Now koalas have tiny little stubby hands with vicious claws that are unsuibtable for grooming but being animals they don't care about grooming. So they wander around in big gangs with all this oil on their heads (just like people from Newcastle) but unlike Newcastle, Australia is a hot place. So the little koala bursts into flames and sets all of his mates ablaze. This is how bush fires start and bush fires kill millions of aussies every single day, it is also why australia is that scorched, brown colour on maps.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:36:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only thing off the sunshine coast is pollution and tourists, and i have trouble telling the difference. Bad! Naughty Queensland!
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:35:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I'm boogie boarding, if anything touches me under the water I absolutely panic.
Thankfully there's not too many sharks off the Sunshine Coast.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damned right Berty.
If we had rattlesnakes and bears, I'd be out there right now kicking their asses.
Fortunately we don't so I've never had to prove it.
I'm a wuss.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WA has distances that are extinct in most of the world. It is a very endangered, very raw place.
Gritted, ochre gods crawl its centre. Blistered, crystal spirits trawl its seas.
Humans are still very much out of place.
I love that place.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lovely.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:22:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck that for a joke.
Damn, Bastard sharks.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:18:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:12:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
jeebus christ thats fuckin bad ass.
--------
That's the most eloquent response imaginable.
Lyn's an aussie outbacker though so she probably went to throw rocks at rattlesnakes and then wrestle a bear or something afterwards.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:18:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:14:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
<doorbell rings>
Lady: Who is it?
Landshark: Plumber.
Lady: I didn't hire a plumber. Who is it!?
Landshark: Flowers.
Lady: What... for who?
Landshark: Plumber
Lady: ...you're...that crazy shark aren't you?
Landshark: No maam, I am just a dolphin.. will you let me in please?
Lady: A dolphin! OK!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I nearly pissed myself
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<doorbell rings>
Lady: Who is it?
Landshark: Plumber.
Lady: I didn't hire a plumber. Who is it!?
Landshark: Flowers.
Lady: What... for who?
Landshark: Plumber
Lady: ...you're...that crazy shark aren't you?
Landshark: No maam, I am just a dolphin.. will you let me in please?
Lady: A dolphin! OK!
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have drowned myself rather than face that.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-25 06:12:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jeebus christ thats fuckin bad ass.
I mean, I got burnt really badly last May, but it was because I was driving around LA in a compact car wearing shorts.
Nothing cool like OMG A SHARK