Memoirs from the short bald fat white guy who sits next to you on the bus who wants to get your attention but quickly averts his eyes when yours meet. (1322 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.28 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <romiustexis.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2005-08-25 17:04:29 EDT
If your writing your memoirs at age 30 it should be about something. Some kind of momentous occasion. Dave (I share a given-name and the inability to create fiction with) Eggers wrote about the death of his mother. But my mother is still alive. Alive and kicking as they say. Not that I'd wish death upon her just for some convenient pathos.
Maybe I could wish death upon a lesser relative like an unknown aunt or uncle. They could die just like in that Twilight Zone episode where you would be given a million dollars if you would agree to killing a person you did not know by the simple pushing of a button. The kicker being of course soon after you decided a man in a suit would come knocking on your front door asking for the button back. " So where is it going?" you would ask. "Oh, don't worry...We're taking it to someone you don't know." So while I'd like a million dollars and the ease of artificially created pathos, I guess I don't have the stomach for random murder Twilight Zone Style even hypothetically.
I am not your father's Archie Bunker.
Whatever happened to fat, middle-aged, short, bald white guys being cool? And by cool I don't mean hipster. Though I do know what "hipster" means even without reading a Reader's Digest in the last 25 years.
What's it take to maintain the interest of females these days? Don't you get me? Maybe we can just be friends? You like cool, funny guys you can berate everytime your boyfriend is mean to you. We can sit next to each other on the couch and you can lean into me with an insincere intimacy. And in a moment of frustrated arousal I will grab for your boob. And you can be like " That's like totally gross!" "That totally tries to change our relationship." "I don't know if I can think of you the same anymore."
I guess you could feel the same as as you have always felt about fat (200lbs), middle-aged (34), short (Hey Doug Flutie is 5 '9 too!), bald(ing) white (so-not so tanned) guys, the way the rest of the world does now too.
You can ignore me. You can avert your eyes. You can sigh and "put up" with me trying to be cool. You can make fun of me with the rest of the cute waitresses in the back of the restaurant.
But I will warn the rest of the nation, ignore me at your own peril. The meek, Sunday morning pancake eating, NFL watching white guy next to you at the sports bar is a shaken aluminum soda can full of rage. I just dare your ass to pop my top. I 'll spray all over you in a sugary coated syrupy mess. I'll get in your eyes and sting bitch.
You do not want to fuck with me. I can walk into a McDonald's and shoot up a room , then order a dozen chicken nuggets to go. Who does all the stalking? Looking for a little ethnic gravitos? Walk in my shoes. who picks up little girls in unmarked vans and drives them out to the middle of nowhere? Single white males who get no attention. So maybe you'd better start paying attention, that's all. That's all I 'm saying.
You think the ghetto makes you crazy? Try the suburbs, I want my props. Who do you think buys up all that gansta rap and metal? Young suburban males. We've been killin our species since Cro-Magnon met Neadertahls.
Kudos to me for the longest fucking title of my bloggin career.
2 ....the number of women who have pleasured themselves to my writing (and yo know you are.) Quit asking yourself "Will he fuck me?" Of course I will. Line up bitches, you can get all three inches of my thunder.
Pardon the cum stained pages from my journal this entry has come from. I have no idea how they got there. Let me repeat that, " I have no idea how they got there." I mean I am pretty sure came from me walking around looking for a towell after masturbating. But I do not recall the specific plop. I would have cleaned it up after all. I certainly wouldn't have allowed it to sit around untill several days later. That would make running over the crusted up surface difficult on my pen. I'd like to think that Itreat my insturment with a bit more dignity than that.
User Reviews
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-12-10 12:58:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
your only real problem is that *you* hate yourself. cut it out.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-08-26 10:30:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved it, very funny. However don't ever use the word blog around here, and it's best you pretend you don't have one, people round here are nasty as all hell, especially when it comes to blogs, teenagers, emo, emu's, llama's and blue telephones. I made the last three up because I'm losing my fucking marbles right now. That doesn't mean you shouldn't follow my advice *taps nose*... oh and definitely don't ever use little stars to convey how you're feeling, or emoticons, they hate them :)
Submitted by papaya_princess (user info) at 2005-08-26 10:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by romiustexis (user info) at 2005-08-26 08:57:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, I never got such love before, there is a slightly different version on my blog
http://bathosforthemisanthropic.blogspot.com/
Thanks for the love
Submitted by Harmless (user info) at 2005-08-26 01:34:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Right up until the end it was good.
P.S. When you discribed yourself, I started thinking of Kyle Gass, and he's the fuckin' bees knees (Tenacious D, anyone!?) so not all guys like that aren't awesome.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-25 23:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go 30 year old white, fat men!
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-08-25 21:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-25 21:40:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brand new Shlongy!
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-25 21:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey. I thought I was supposed to write this?
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-08-25 21:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2005-08-25 21:33:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
5'9" is short? That's depressing.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-25 21:04:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Love it.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-25 20:53:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-08-25 20:49:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2005-08-25 20:44:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For mentioning Dave Eggers. back to the post...
Submitted by Mister (user info) at 2005-08-25 20:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-08-25 19:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by silent1 (user info) at 2005-08-25 19:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-08-25 19:05:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was funny.
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-08-25 18:50:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-08-25 18:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i really liked the title. it seems all too familiar.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-08-25 18:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was wondering why this was rated so low..
Now I know.
The Brits are right!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-25 18:08:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you fuckwits- this is genius
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-08-25 18:05:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you fucking dullards.
the title itself is worth +2million.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2005-08-25 17:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Good rant until "Kudos...", then it went to take a dump on itself. Take out that sentence and the last paragraph, and it's +1/+2.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2005-08-25 17:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'LL spray all over YOU in a SALTY coated JIZZUMY mess. I'LL get in YOUR eyes and sting bitch.
...and follow it up with a punch in the eye.
Did you threaten to abduct young girls?
<insert overweight insult here>