Would it kill him to say "Thank you"? (1650 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.77 on 65 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-08-26 09:07:31 EDT
I don't know why I bother with him sometimes. I'm doing my best, and given that I don't have a clue how to succeed in a long term relationship - I've never cared enough to try before - that's saying a lot. I do everything I can think of, everything I can, to be a good wife. I want to be supportive, close, warm, perfect. I have the sex, I cook the food, I get the stains out of the underwear. All that is fine and better than fine.
But I want to do MORE. I want to be extraordinary. Go that extra mile, put in that extra effort.
Now, my husband is Dutch. Not "Well, he had Dutch parents and so he's Dutch but he's been living here his whole life", he's Dutch as in "I imported him from Holland." He speaks perfect English, but with this heavy Dutch accent. And I want him to be happy here. I don't want people to point and laugh at the silly foreigner. I CARE TOO MUCH FOR THAT.
So, being the loving perfect nurturing specimen of femininity that I am, I gently and lovingly instruct him in the correct pronunciation of words. For example, he says "book" to rhyme with "fluke". I say "book" to rhyme with "look". Say them aloud, for christ's sake. You'll get it.
With me? Good.
Upon hearing this mispronunciation for the first time, I followed him around the house for three hours, repeating "Book rhymes with look, not fluke. 'Buke, buke, buke' sounds stupid. You sound stupid. Stop sounding stupid, stupid. Say it properly or everyone will think you're stupid." Three fucking hours, and do you think I get any kind of gratitude?
He pronounces "patio" as "payshio". I immediately called my sister and said "Hahahaha guess what? Maarten is retarded." And then we mocked him for an hour. Gratitude? No. He dared to go and hide in another room where the phone doesn't go.
He still counts in Dutch when he's counting to himself. So I told him I wanted to watch TV and turned on Sesame Street.
"Why are we watching this?"
"Sssh. The count will be on soon. He has a lot to teach you."
".... You're the most annoying bitch in the world."
"'The', honey, not 'da'. You sound like a toddler when you do that. Come on, say it with me. 'The. The. The.' NO HITTING MY BUM WE AGREED YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HIT MY BUM."
[censored]
He says "tree" instead of "three".
I took him outside and pointed to the ghost gum out there.
"This is a tree."
I lined up three rocks on the table.
"Three. Tree over there. Three here. Tree, three.Tree, three. Can you hear the difference? If I were to count these and say "one, two, tree", wouldn't I sound retarded? Like you? Three. Say it - three."
Anyway, the point is - have you seen my husband anywhere? He's not been home in a few days and I'm getting worried.
(gis for "I'd leave me.")
User Reviews
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-12-14 11:19:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-10-25 14:51:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sillyness.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-09-17 12:13:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-09-01 09:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn Dutch folk. They eat mayonaise on EVERYTHING
YEAH ! Dont Rule ! COntrol !
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-09-17 12:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He's a lucky man- tell him from me!
Submitted by anunusualyetwittyname (user info) at 2007-09-17 11:38:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-01-26 15:13:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You'd listen to me speak and cry, I'd venture...
I have like, 4 accents from talking to family all across the country.
Submitted by queenemily (user info) at 2006-01-26 14:57:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-01 09:36:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Rhodan (user info) at 2005-09-01 09:03:38 (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny, you never corrected me, colonial peasant.
__________
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE NINE FEET TALL, ASSHOLE. AND I WAS BUSY DRINKING YOUR SCOTCH.
Also, the other freakishly tall guy is currently internet-less - give him our best wishes and our congratulations.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-09-01 09:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn Dutch folk. They eat mayonaise on EVERYTHING
Submitted by Rhodan (user info) at 2005-09-01 09:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny, you never corrected me, colonial peasant.
As for the rest of you, degenerated products of our export history, come back when you know how to pronounce Heineken properly. Gawd, most of you can't even hold your beer like a man.
VC wasn't too bad though.
Submitted by malefic (user info) at 2005-08-28 20:02:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
bitch please
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-28 19:41:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-27 22:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TURTLE SOUP
I HATE YOU
I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE
Submitted by w1ndsurfer (user info) at 2005-08-27 13:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those crazy dutch.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-08-27 00:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, the trials and tribulations!
Forget about the 'th' sound, they've had since the Danish conquest of England to develop that phoneme, without success, and they ain't about to get it now.
For everything else, just spell it dutch-phonetically for him. For example-- when we moved, the guys wrote "CJAILD" on the stuff from the kids' room. There were other examples, but that one was best.
So I think... you want him to say "BUK" and "PATTIJO". Possibly with an umlaut on the IJ.
And shame on you for not saving some of that Kitkat for me!
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2005-08-26 19:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm, have you tried crying while calling him a selfish bastard and telling him he doesn't love you because he's not willing to try not sounding stupid for you? That's worked for me before...
Submitted by Viciousriffs (user info) at 2005-08-26 18:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe it would, if he has an ancient spell of anti-gratitude cast upon his black, vacant soul.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-08-26 17:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-08-26 10:40:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
I have the worst Southern accent you could imagine. I've tried everything and I cant shake it.
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It took me a couple of years to learn to drop the one I picked up living down here, but it can be done. Electroshock therapy might be in order...
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-08-26 16:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-08-26 16:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah.. have too many things to be said.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-26 16:03:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shoulda 'imported' a wheel of Gouda - prolly would have been more responsive, and tasty!
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-08-26 13:44:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha ha - accents are cute..
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-08-26 13:29:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-26 12:16:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bec, he calls me one too. Only he calls me, specifically, "Ignorant colonial peasant scum."
I love my marriage. It's like a permanent chess game.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-08-26 10:59:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!!!!!!
And Maarten for putting up with my constant mockery and calling him Goldmember. He may feel free to refer to me as Fat Bastard. We share and equal hatred for Mike "I'm going to torment the kids who talk funny" Myers.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-08-26 10:47:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He called me a foreign heathen.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-08-26 10:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have the worst Southern accent you could imagine. I've tried everything and I cant shake it.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-08-26 10:39:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yup. Good stuff.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-08-26 10:37:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As usually, highly entertaining.
Irish & Scottish accents are the coolest. Curse my thick "Occer" accent.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-08-26 10:31:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
some people just can't be helped
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-26 10:30:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can cure him of "buke" easily. Everytime he says it, scream "Aki" and throw some congealed gelatin on your face.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-08-26 10:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-08-26 10:26:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-08-26 10:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fins the tiring of an accent a very useful tool. Everytime I meet someone new (particularily a woman) I pretend to be an Englishman from Derby, then after a year or so of being with them and the sex is dying down I admit that I'm really Australian, the accent drives them wild for a while but eventually dies down until I finally own up that I am Scottish.
Jenny still has no idea.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-08-26 10:18:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like you Circe.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-26 10:12:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
About the 'Goldmember' thing...
You know, if more *important* people were Dutch, and if we cared enough what they had to say to have them in the media, we might not equate their accent with Mike Myers.
Yet another reason they should throw down their thai sticks, get off the fuckin' bikes, and DO SOMETHING IMPORTANT!
...like bulldozing a daycare centre or something.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-26 10:11:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dump him and marry me. Seriously, it'll be awesome. I'm Jewish ... and stuff.
Barring that, I'm going to marry your husband. Do you think he'll mind?
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Uh....
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know it's wrong, but my brain has been tainted by the movie and now and forever all Dutch people will sound like Goldmember to me.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:53:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha, This was good.
If we're talking about accents my English one goes down a treat with you American lasses. You love his accent and you know it!
Oh also in North Eastern England book, look, cook etc... all rhyme with fluke.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:52:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ETS - damned fucking right.
Jeanneee - that accent is A) wrong, and B)the reason the dutch hate Mike Myers. I mean, hate. No-one can hate like a Dutchie.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:46:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Exceptionally funny.
You're evil in a good way.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:42:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I picture him as sounding exactly like Goldmember.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't understand when people cannot simply mimic someone else...even if it's a completely different language. All the bastard would have to do is pretend for a SECOND that he's from a REAL country that's not Holland and he would surely get it. He's resistant because he wants to remain Dutch.
But we've got news for him now...he's not Dutch anymore! He's fucking Australian now and, by god, he should fucking act like it!
Is that about the jist of the situation?
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:40:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My brain is divorcing me and suing for ownership of my sanity.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:34:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh Circe... You two make such an adorable couple.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:33:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He sounds Dutch AND fun!
Submitted by Belimobile (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:28:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Another excellent entry about the life of Circe.
Although it probably doesn't work over in the UK, my girlfriends here in the US have always gotten off on my Irish accent, no matter how bad it gets butchered by living in Boston when I was a kid.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I cant vouch for England but an Irish drawl will get any lass north of teh border to drop her knicks!
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:29:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeez - stop being so hard on the man, if he cared that others were laughing he would change it. Kudos to him for not conforming.
Now read this http://www.ubersite.com/m/73943
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:28:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I'd just love to hang out with you sometime.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:28:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another excellent entry about the life of Circe.
Although it probably doesn't work over in the UK, my girlfriends here in the US have always gotten off on my Irish accent, no matter how bad it gets butchered by living in Boston when I was a kid.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
5 minutes ago, he read this and laughed, and then said he hates me.
He left the room and came back and offered me a Kit Kat.
"Want a KitKat, love?"
"Sure! Thanks."
He's smirking.
"What did you do to it?"
"Nothing."
"No, really, what?"
"Nothing. Eat your kitkat."
"I don't want it anymore."
I ate the kitkat.
Just now, he turns around and looks at me in disgust and says "You greedy bitch, you ate the last kitkat."
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:26:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Needs more Shlongy!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:25:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beat up the foreigner why don't you...
I mean your hubby
Submitted by Belimobile (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain. My ex was french and it drove me mental after the "aw isnt it cute" wore off!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:23:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Ghost gum!
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:22:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool relationship
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:15:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor Dutch man :(
The fact that he ran away from your accent racism made this a +2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:15:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know, Berty.. I prefer the australian one! *waves shitty little flag*
Pokey, we're not allowed back in Paris, remember? After the fourteen mime killing spree?
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:14:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:12:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damnit I screwed it up.
"We'll always HAVE Paris."
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:11:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The dutch have the coolest accent in the world. Bar none.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:11:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well if he's gone you know I'm always here for you.
Remember, Circe. We've always got Paris.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-08-26 09:11:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry Circe, but I'm afraid he has esconded himself with Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.