the cleaners (533 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.89 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Astropath (View user info) at 2005-08-26 15:28:18 EDT
It's late. It's late and my computer can no longer amuse me.
God help me, but I'm here for another two hours.
The cleaning crew is passing through, and officious noise announces their coming. Bustling noise. They are silent, and grim-faced, this crew. Almost uniformly dark, I wonder if they are a family. There are two men, and one woman. They could be a family. The woman does not look at me, although I look at her. I will my eyes to pull hers up. To meet my gaze. It seems a shame to be that resigned.
I wonder where they are from. I know they speak Spanish, because I have heard them. Heard them trade terse words, short and clipped. Words that have no time to fall into the melody of Spanish; the hot drawl of Spanish. That seems a shame too. She does not meet my gaze. Where is she from ? Argentina, or Uruguay ? Chile ? Cuba ? She came here a while ago, I muse. A few years, but not more.
Her time here has been short enough that she can still remember the sun, and the earth under her bare feet. She had learned to work hard early, and maybe had never learned anything else. Hard workers had value. Hard workers could learn the flat stare, and avoid everything. Her concerns became small ones; she learned to hate the gum under the seats, and the crumbs on the floor. Her concerns never grew. She never had to despair at her finances in the small hours of the morning, but she knew the taste of the mango. She had cursed the stickiness of the papaya, even as she smiled at its sweetness. This she did by herself, for boys....men did not generally appreciate a flat stare that got the job done. The men wanted the heat. They wanted hot mouths, and throaty whispers.
Her hair is disheveled. It is thick, and coarse, and drifts in a halo around her head. She had never cared much for it, but it is too late now to rub it with oil, and braid it. She finishes her busy dusting, her officious work, and moves from my line of sight. She will throw the garbage bags into the elevator, and ride it down. Maybe she will take the subway with those other people who may be her family, and walk from the station. The wind will tease her uncared-for hair, and the window of the grocery store will reflect her flat stare. Maybe for just a second, she will see the grapefruits, the papayas, and the lemons, and she will remember how she loved to see that bright yellow between her brown fingers as she held it under a Spanish sun.
User Reviews
Submitted by malefic (user info) at 2005-08-28 04:22:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
With some tightening up and a suitably harsh editor you could produce some very nice fiction.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2005-08-28 03:22:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
this was ok, but you are waaaaaay too populist, son
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-28 02:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Better than a one.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-27 07:03:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
not bad
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-08-26 16:37:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If uber gave out school reports, this one would say 'tries hard'
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2005-08-26 15:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well written for the most part, although some parts seemed a little ostentatious in the use of language.
I didn't think it stayed focused enough though. At first it seems to be about the person at the computer, but then it shifts to the cleaning lady. It could work for a longer piece, but not something this short.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-26 15:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
OK. Maybe I was a little harsh. Have this +1 to go back to even par.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-08-26 15:35:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beautiful
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-26 15:33:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No.
Not going to work.
Try learning a little punctuation...especially in THE TITLE
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-26 15:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well, at least it didn't totally suck...keep going...