The Initiative (483 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Slovin (View user info) at 2005-08-30 01:37:08 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
"My friends... this year, the fat man is going down."
The sound of 20 simultaneous and disapproving groans filling a room would normally be enough to convince any reasonable person to reconsider what they had just said. Donnie was no such reasonable person: he would not be phased in the slightest by the fact that most of his audience got up and left after his opening statement.
"We are NOT going through this again, Donnie," someone Steve from the back. "You CANNOT kidnap Santa Clause."
"I know some of you still like him, but why? Stu says he saw his dad bringing in the presents last time, so what has Santa been doing? He's been getting lazy, clearly, since he sends his HELPERS to the mall instead of showing up himself, and asking our parents to help him! Someone needs to send him a message."
Roughly half the children had left the clubhouse as he continued explaining his idea.
"Look, see, I have charts and everything. There's a real plan here this time. We can do this! With your support we can bring him to justice and force things to change around here!"
"We're not letting you back into our club if you keep this up, Donnie! Drake could've been killed last time!"
Drake grunted. He was too busy playing "Road to Hell VII: Baby Killing" on his Gameboy to notice anything else.
"He volunteered for the tactical mission, Dan!"
"HE'S TEN, HE CAN'T DRIVE A TRUCK!"
"Yes, well, we know that now, don't we? Such mistakes are sometimes necessary to paint a larger picture of the future, the future that is 'The Red Dog Initiative 2!'" Donnie pulled back the curtain - which was actually just his spare winter jacket hanging over the top of an easel - to show a large piece of paper with the words "RED DOG INITATIV TWO - Death to Santa" written in bold black marker.
"Initiative has a silent E on the end," Stu pointed out. Dan left.
"Oh - right, thanks," Donnie replied, adding a tiny E onto the end of the word. "Now, Santa's location is a little-known compoud a few miles South of the North Pole. It isn't really at the pole itself, that's just a myth to throw off explorers trying to find his workshop."
"Aren't we a few miles South of the North Pole right now?" asked Steve.
Donnie thought about that for a minute. "No, I mean, like, closer... you know, where it's cold. You can't wear a big red furry coat like that around here. He's... HERE, in Nord, Greenland," he said with finality, pointing to a big red X drawn on a map of the world. "Nobody's gunna look for Santa in a town called Nord. Except us."
"How are we gunna get there?" asked Dustin, one of the 5 remaining boys left in the clubhouse, enchanted by Donnie's presentation.
"I'm glad you asked that question," Donnie replied, getting back into his salesman-like tone and flipping to the next page, labeled "GETING THERE," with a crude drawing of a boat underneath it. "I have found, in my own garage, a... SIX PERSON INFLATABLE RAFT!" he proclaimed proudly.
"I figured we could walk up through Canada to start out. The sturdy rubber of this new-found raft will safely take us across the uh... Hudson Bay... and out into the Davis Strait... up to Baffin Bay... and then I think we can just go around the corner of Greenland up... there... and land at Nord. By my calculations it should take about a week."
"A WEEK? Are you crazy? My mom's definately going to know I'm gone," questioned Steve.
"So tell her you're staying at my house."
"What about your mom?"
"I'll tell her I'm staying at your house."
"Wow! You think of everything, Donnie. When are we gunna go?"
"Hang on now, hang on. I haven't gotten to the most important part of the presentation." He flipped the page again, to one labeled "WEAPUNS." "Drake's dad is in the military," Donnie began.
"Mmmf," Drake acknowledged, jamming the A button repeatedly.
"So we figure he'll have some cool guns or something around the house. They're probably in high places, so we'll need to deploy stepping stools again."
"Guns? I thought we were gunna kidnap him, not kill him!"
"Well, we are, but my mom says his elves guard him from people, so we may have to fight through them. It's OK if we kill some of those, there are tons up there, and they're not really people anyway. If we don't have firepower, we can't kidnap the pig man." He flipped the last page: "THE END." "Any questions? No? Alright, let's get going then."
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Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-10-30 05:20:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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