Make Fun of her Toe Hair and She will Shave your Armpits as you Sleep. (5212 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.8 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by WiLL ZoNE (View user info) at 2005-08-30 10:18:35 EDT
First let me start off by saying that I love my girlfriend. I'd also like to say that I will never make fun of the four hairs that are on her big toe ever again.
My lady comes over last night and we play some catch up on the couch. She kicks off her shoes and she fills me in with the goings-on of her day. She sprawls out on the couch and uses me, her man, as if I was her otto-man. We talk, we laugh, and I rub her feet as she tells me all about her trip to Canada and all the wacky adventures she went on. As she's blabbering on about the phallic shaped rocks she found on the beach, my eyes catch a glimpse of the redwood forest of black hairs protruding from her big toe.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa...hold up." I stop her. "What the hell is this all about, Frodo?"
"Um, what?" She hates it when I refer to her as characters from film trilogies.
"You got hairy ass toes!"
"What are you talking about? Shut up." She finds her place in the story she was spitting. "So I found this shiny black rock and I put it in my..."
"No. Um, what gives? I see you shaved your legs, right?"
"Right."
"After you spent that time shaving your legs, didja just look at your toes and say...Fuck these toes?"
"Shut up I'm trying to tell you a story."
"Whatever Gorilla-foot."
I've found my bit for the evening. I have an uncanny ability to turn whatever someone is saying into the bit I latch onto for the night.
7 Minutes later.
"It took forever for us to take off; the flight attendant had the longest list of rules to follow..."
"You are definitely one to toe the line...hairy toe the line." My abilities of funniness are unparalleled.
15 minutes later.
"So then my friend Ryan got me these Elvis Presley Matryoshka Stacking Dolls..."
"You and Elvis have a lot in common. Know what Elvis had under his Blue Suede shows...hairy toes." I'm a genius.
23 minutes later.
"Rectum, damn near killed him!"
"You have hairy fucking toes." I'm a master of wordplay.
It was about this time that she announced that its time to go to bed. I walk to my room, girlfriend in hand and with a smile that would make the Cheshire Cat say..."Damn, that's a big fucking smile."
"Bigfoot coming through." I yell as she enters my room.
"Oh, you're funny." She laughs to herself. "You are sooo gonna get it."
We disrobe and hit the sack...I ain't getting no booty tonight. She is all the way on the other side of the bed careful not to make any contact with me.
"Babe?" I ask. "Can you stop moving, your toe hairs are tickling m legs."
"Stop, it's not funny anymore."
"No, your hairy digits aren't funny anymore." I jump out of bed and grab my electric razor. "Give me those tootsies."
She scream-laughs and pleads but it of no use and I grab her foot and shave off all 4 blonde and black hairs from her big toe. She's kicking and screaming and crying from laughter as I grab the other foot and start the shedding.
"There. Shorn toes. So lady like. I ain't sleeping in bed with no woman who walks around with hairy talons. Now, get to sleepin'. You shaved bitch! Shaven bastard!" I Cheshire smile.
"OK, honey. Yes, sir. You just go sleep..." She's never looked so devilish.
I fall asleep within 10 minutes; my last hurrah is playing "Cut Your Hair" by Pavement as my sleep soundtrack.
Now, when I sleep, my arms are usually tucked under my head in some way. If I'm on my belly then my arms are tucked under my pillow. If I'm on my back, or side, my arm is tucked under my head. Good, because it's comfortable, bad because I leave me underarms exposed. Give a hairy-toed woman a hole and she will exploit it.
It's 2AM and I'm on my back when I wake up with my arms pinned behind my head, with her knees on top of my elbows in a 69-esque position. Groggily the sleep leaves my eyes and they come in fine focus on my girl with a Cheshire smile and my Norelco Razor in her hands.
She attacks my left armpit with the speed and precision of old Irish sheep shearer. What was once a plush land of curlies, sweat and dried deodorant is now a smooth, and possibly bleeding barren patch of sensitive skin. I laugh on the outside like a little girl, but I'm crying on the inside like an altar boy who just got his butthole massaged by the deacon. With lightning quick speed she attacks the right armpit.
"Not ol' rightie!" I squeal with the opposite of delight.
When rightie is as pre-pubescent as leftie, she places the razor on the night stand, lifts off my elbows...kisses me goodnight and immediately falls asleep.
I'm now left wide awake and shaven...I haven't felt like this since that crazy night in Vegas in '03.
Boyfriends can only be this lucky.
I wipe the hairs from my bed, and with each movement of my arm, my pits burn with burning-burny pain. M'lady fake-snores.
I kiss her on the cheek.
"I love you hairy toes."
"I love you bitch-pits." she mumbles.
Oh Uber, lesson learned: relationships are about compromises.
Will
ps: Right now...my armpits are in pain. Burning pain. Deodarant is the devil.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-09-02 15:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yup. I'm cool.
Something that you, no matter how hard you try, will never be, fatass.
Go smash a watermelon with a sledgehammer, funnyboy.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-08-31 11:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"bitch-pits"
Awesome.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-08-30 22:30:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff.
Starshine, ES&D. . .
Submitted by djgray (user info) at 2005-08-30 22:08:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I highly enjoyed the story. You are entirely correct in the fact that girlfriends/wives will exploit any weaknesses they may find. Great but devious beings women are.
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2005-08-30 16:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great storytelling. I liked this alot.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-30 15:37:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
!FANTASTICO!
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-08-30 14:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-08-30 10:42:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
"I love you hairy toes."
"I love you bitch-pits." she mumbles.
------
You two make an adorable couple.
--------------------------------
That is gold.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-08-30 13:59:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AhHaHaHaHaHaHa! "bitch-pits"
And Pavement as the icing on the cake.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2005-08-30 13:57:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-08-30 13:36:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by starshine (user info) at 2005-08-30 13:02:14 (#)
Ranking: -2
Thank God I've never met you. "
Thank god you've never posted.
============================================
Hahahahaha! This was almost a +2... then I read that.
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-08-30 13:53:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank God I have met you.
Submitted by Curly (user info) at 2005-08-30 13:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehe
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-08-30 13:36:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by starshine (user info) at 2005-08-30 13:02:14 (#)
Ranking: -2
Thank God I've never met you. "
Thank god you've never posted.
Submitted by starshine (user info) at 2005-08-30 13:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Thank God I've never met you.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-08-30 13:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just a small town girl, livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere
Just a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit
He took the midnight train goin' anywhere
A singer in a smokey room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on
Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people, living just to find emotion
Hiding, somewhere in the night
Working hard to get my fill,
everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice,
just one more time
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on
(chorus)
Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin'
Streetlight people
Submitted by Mrs.Love (user info) at 2005-08-30 12:57:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have learned much from this revenge princess. I have taken notes and my revenge on my own joker will come soon enough.
Submitted by notoriousbrett (user info) at 2005-08-30 12:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My roommate kept looking at me while I giggled for five and a half minutes straight.
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-08-30 12:24:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-08-30 12:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-08-30 12:03:13 (#)
Ranking: 0
ENVEN:
"RECTUM, DAMN NEAR KILLED HIM."
I think people are quoting that line because of the non-sequitor response to that lame hackneyed line.
___________________
Yeah, that was a bit of a random interjection...almost Ttourette's-like. Did I ever mention that my high school band played a benefit for Tourette's Syndrome? At Sea World no less? Nothing like a bunch of kids spouting random obscenities to bad garage rock while Shamu flops around in the background.
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2005-08-30 12:16:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAAAA!!
I have toe hair. I used to cry to my mother about it and she would tell me I was lucky to have it, as when she was a teenager it was 'in style' and she and her friends used to shave their toes to make it grow quicker.
I use Nair now, and if I forget it sucks, toe hair is incredibly embarassing!
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-08-30 12:13:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-08-30 12:12:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have shaved her pubes off in retaliation.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-08-30 12:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHHA
Bitch-pits.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-08-30 12:03:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ENVEN:
"RECTUM, DAMN NEAR KILLED HIM."
I think people are quoting that line because of the non-sequitor response to that lame hackneyed line.
I do not want credit for coming up with that line...it's in the ether, i just plucked it out.
:)
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Rectum, damn near killed him!"
Yeah, I don't think we can credit Will with that.
Amusing but this honestly has +1 written all over it. I won't be the one to kill your streak though buddy. Good to see you posting again.
Submitted by papaya_princess (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:48:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're a good man.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:19:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THAT is what I want from a Will Zone (on hiatus) post.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:45:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Rectum, damn near killed him!"
"You have hairy fucking toes."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Too funny!
Will Zone is the greatest!
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:45:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*Takes notes*
Submitted by aerodynamically.curvaceous (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:28:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
"I love you bitch-pits." she mumbles.
------
That's great stuff. Good story.
Submitted by Jimmy_Esquire (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another one.
Be thankful she didnt shave your lower pubes off. That shit itches like a beeyotch.
Submitted by Jimmy_Esquire (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ohhhhh just you wait.
They might just HURT now.
In two days you'll itch like there's no tomorrow... and the only thing to do is shave em again, or wait it out.
I think you've learnt your lesson though.
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:28:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I love you bitch-pits." she mumbles.
------
Thats great stuff. Good story
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:20:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now you understand what it's like to be a girl and be forced to shave your pits.
Serves you right, weinerface.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THAT is what I want from a Will Zone (on hiatus) post.
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:14:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was farkin funny. I loved it. B@W.
In other hair related news, my girl kept crapping on all weekend about me having some grey hair. I laughed it off until she pulled a couple out & showed them to me. I'm only 24 for fucks sake!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:11:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:03:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo! I also said to a female friend of mine once "My word, what adorable hobbit feet you have", she called me that evening to say she had shaved her feet :( It was sad... I weeped...
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-08-30 10:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Rectum, damn near killed him!"
"You have hairy fucking toes."
Weird, I say that to myself every night before I go to bed.
Submitted by Salvation_Jane (user info) at 2005-08-30 10:48:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe, you guys are way too cute
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-08-30 10:42:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I love you hairy toes."
"I love you bitch-pits." she mumbles.
------
You two make an adorable couple.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-08-30 10:32:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2005-08-30 10:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i COULDA THROWN HER OFF ME, BUT SHE WAS HAVING WAY TOO MUCH FUN...AND FRANKLY, I DESERVED IT.
Submitted by Mister (user info) at 2005-08-30 10:29:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAR HAR! Bitch pits.
She'll call you that for the rest of your days.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-08-30 10:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-30 10:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JUSTICE
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-30 10:21:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you appear to know how to make a girl feel special.