The Girlfriend Constipation Problem (1734 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.58 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (View user info) at 2005-08-31 10:49:11 EDT
Hello friends, get ready for another rare and exciting post.
Okay so about a month ago I met this really cool chick named Jackie (real name this time because she kicks ass) and I decided to stop the bullshit and date this chick. She's smart, beautiful, has a great sense of humor, fun to be around, etc. Anyways, she and I have been together for a solid month now and things are going extremely well.
But there's a peculiar problem I'm having. The first day she was at my condo, something interesting happened. After an entire day of eating, I mean three scrambled eggs for breakfast, a protein bar mid-morning, a can of Chunky soup for lunch, a protein shake mid afternoon, and a big-ass dinner, I felt the need to shit (obviously). I went into the bathroom and just couldn't do it. It was weird. I went back out into the living room and we watched a movie (Super Troopers I believe). The next morning, I woke up, she was still there, and I still had to shit but I couldn't. By the time I got to work, I had to bust into the bathroom, and I took the most massive and satisfying shit ever.
At first I didn't attempt to make any correlations, I just figured it was an abnormal occurrence. Then, Jackie came over two days later, and the same thing happened. You see, I normally take shits twice a day, usually at work in the mid morning, and then later on in the evening after dinner. The second time this occurred, I found it to be annoying because I really had to shit, I just couldn't do it. The next day at work there was a similar explosion.
Since I started dating her, I have not taken a single shit in my condo when she is there. She's there pretty much every night now.
Finally, last night I really felt the need to shit. Shawn Chacon, the Yankees only hope really, was blowing it for the first time and I felt it come on. Jackie and I were on the couch, and I excused myself to go to the bathroom. I'm serious, I really thought a shit was coming on. Alas, there was nothing but disappointment. A nicely ripped fart or two but no shit.
I came into work this morning and rocked the bathroom. The log I left was huge, I bet it was just as long as my lower intestine. It was one of those streaming shits that all comes out in one huge push. It smelled something awful.
Because of this, I don't like shitting just once a day. The twice a day thing was going quite nicely until this Girlfriend Constipation Problem occurred. Does anyone know why the fuck this is happening? Is there some sort of psychological shit-blocker that can be triggered by the presence of another human being? What the fuck is wrong with me?
User Reviews
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-09-04 05:05:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
After spending the weekend with some chick I just came home and took a 20 minute dump. Thought you should know.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-09-01 07:35:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
quit eating
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-09-01 07:27:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Been there, done that.
Submitted by DarthFaded (user info) at 2005-08-31 17:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, been there...
When you are ready to fart around her... Your shitting will go back to normal.
This is a Psychological thing... at least that would be my best guess. You subconciously want to maek sure you don;t do anything to alienate her from you...
Just remember that you are human and farting and shitting is normal.
And I hate to tell you this... But she probably doenst want you to hear her fart or smell her shit either...
Talk to her about it man.
Submitted by Chicane (user info) at 2005-08-31 17:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
this was some good shit right here.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-08-31 16:40:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
All relationships go through a phase where both the individuals involved are embarassed by their bodily functions. I imagine that since the relationship is new, you would be mortified if you sharted in her presence. However, if you were married 50 years, you might not be so embarassed.
Aw, what the hell do I know? My one and only relationship was a royal catastrophe. But I'm pretty sure I read this somewhere.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-08-31 16:26:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That would be a helluva conversation to have with a shrink...
Submitted by CoreaPeekay (user info) at 2005-08-31 15:15:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I visited my girlfriend for two weeks and I probably shit three times the ENTIRE time. Its fucked. I duno, I don't have a problem shitting around strangers, just people I know. I'm not afraid of it or something, at least conciously, I just don't shit.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2005-08-31 14:47:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just kidding. Seriously, it probably is psychological because it sounds like the you are into this girl and subconsiously don't want to risk her smelling your crap in the bathroom. Try getting really drunk when she is over so that you are more relaxed, then try. Or see a psychiatrist. Fuck, would that be a funny meeting.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2005-08-31 14:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell your "girlfriend" to take "her" dick out of your ass when you are trying to shit.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-31 14:42:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
poopreport.com
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-08-31 14:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, my gf and I shit in front of each other all the time...once she is spending alot of time at your place and you both are really comfortable with each other it will happen.
Submitted by whocares229 (user info) at 2005-08-31 14:14:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oops meant +2
Submitted by whocares229 (user info) at 2005-08-31 14:12:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Here I sit all broken hearted, came to shit but only farted
Submitted by Rope (user info) at 2005-08-31 14:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahaha
the protein shake was the funniest part...
but seriously folks, this has happened to me before. try sneaking off to do it at night.
Submitted by shiniloki (user info) at 2005-08-31 13:47:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't really have any advice besides eating some chocolate exlax. But I did find this really funny and everyone in my college class gave me funny looks when I burst out laughing in the middle of a class lecture. So thumbs up to you! But seriously, good luck with that....
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-31 13:47:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.21, can you please post on a regular basis, so I can read some quality stuff from time to time instead of the metric assload of crap that gets posted here daily?
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2005-08-31 13:13:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just poop.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-08-31 13:09:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure it's just subconscious. Not that you're actually embarrassed, but maybe some part of you wants to be able to share every aspect of your shits before actually being able to drop one out while she's there. I dunno, I didn't take psychology, just a load of philosophy courses. Envision the Universal Shit.
Oh, and I'm not worried about Chacon. This is the first time he actually deserved a loss. He should be 7-1 right now. I say it's better he lets out a turd performance now rather than later.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-08-31 13:02:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Meant to make that a +1.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-08-31 13:02:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Watching Shawn Chacon pitch would make me want to drop a deuce, too.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-08-31 12:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've had the same problem forever.
I was working in my girlfriend's yard once, and rather than go inside where she was to use the can I got in my car, drove 2 miles to a gas station, and dropped bombs in their filthy bathroom.
Men
Are
Weird
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-08-31 12:48:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not an embarrassment issue. I simply just can't shit when she's in my place. Even if I have to go real bad. I don't know why. My bathroom has a real powerful fan so it's not like I'm worried about the smell or something.
Submitted by randomgirl (user info) at 2005-08-31 12:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My boyfriend took a crap with the door wide open on our first date.(we were at his house)At the time I thought it was weird, but hey it's been seven months and I'm still here and he still does it. I guess if you get the gross shit out of the way, she'll just have to get used to it. Although I wasn't quite sure if you were saying that you physically could't take one while she was around or were too embarrassed to.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-08-31 12:33:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wish this shit was shenanigans. I like Chinaman's suggestion. I think that next time I feel it coming on, I think I'll turn to jackie and say "Christ, I have to take a giant shit." Maybe that will help force it out.
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2005-08-31 12:30:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going home to Michigan this weekend!!!!!! +2's for EVERYONE!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-08-31 12:27:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.everyonepoops.com/bookstore/search.asp?theme=1
These books are badass.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-08-31 12:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe this book will help you relax:
http://www.everyonepoops.com/bookstore/default.asp?sc=1
I want the bumper sticker.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-08-31 12:24:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2 shits a day?
damn.
im like, one every 2-3 days.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-08-31 12:13:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i can't believe i'm telling people this, but maybe it will help explain this.
i can't poo if i'm in a new place. Like if I go camping for three days, I won't take a crap all weekend. I didn't poo (i love saying poo) at work for like 2 months. I don't think I've done it at my brothers house TO DATE, and he's lived there for YEARS.
*shrug*
maybe you're not relaxed. I dunno.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-08-31 12:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-08-31 11:59:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Doug, I'll be honest with you--I too take 2 shits a day. Minimum.
That being said, when I started going out with my girlfriend, I held in my farts unknowingly. I mean, in my dorm I farted all the time, much to the dismay of my roommates. Yet, with her I didn't even realize I wasn't farting until one slipped out by accident. Then all at once I realized I had been holding back. Needless to say, I was embarrassed. But even more so, I became conscious of my internal gases around her...
One day we were both in bed watching a movie and I felt really comfortable and just let one rip. One part of my brain thought I was alone or in my dorm; the other part had a shit-fit (no pun intended) and kept yelling at the other part.
It was a loud and non-smelly fart, so I was able to laugh it off without worrying about her being repulsed by the lingering stink. By playing it off in this manner, I claimed my territory in this relationship as Chief Farter. All that means is that from that point on I was able to fart comfortably and, by extension, shit comfortably.
Now, my case is far from unique. I know--or at least hope--that most couples are comfortable enough with each other to share their farts. Holding in farts is tough enough at work or in a social setting; having to hold them in at home can drive you insane.
I guess what I'm getting at in this post of a response is that maybe you should just be a little more comfortable (in other words CRASS) with your girl. Instead of excusing yourself politely, say something like "aw fuck, I gotta shoot out a couple of brown plantains!" or something to that effect. Judging by the detail with which you're able to describe your feces, you're pretty much like me: comfortable with your inner workings.
Mayhaps you should let her know how comfy you are with them. I dunno.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-31 11:56:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OMG +2 CUZ EVERYONE ELSE DID
I think you meant this to start:
Dear Abby,
[Insert block of text here]
Insecure Shitter
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-31 11:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was kidding about the Shenanigans, but it looks like some people didn't understand that. Or, maybe they got the joke. Anywho . . .
I actually had this problem in the initial stages when my wife and I were a'courtin'. I'm guessing it's sort of a self-consciousness thing - you're still trying to impress her 'cuz you luuuuuuuuv her or something.
I think a little consitpation is a good sign in a relationship. At least based on my experiences. But I'm guessing that the same motivation is what led me to hide my little alcohol "issue" from my wife for far too long.
All things considered, I'd make sure to pay attention to Average Dan's comments.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-31 11:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
SOMEBODY ELSE +1 HIM
OTHERWISE I FEEL GUILTY
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-31 11:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i want to post-constipation-shit on the faces of the cocksuckers who stole my headlights twice and are forcing me to sell the G.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-08-31 11:24:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it'd probably help if you took the buttplug out first.
i keeeeed.
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-08-31 11:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've had it happen on vacations.
Drink a shitlode of PBR. That'll cure you.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2005-08-31 11:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1- Funny stuff.
2- Welcome back.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-08-31 11:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor 1.21,
Get out of that relationship PRONTO, or you'll end up with hemorrhoids!
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-08-31 11:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shenanigans or not, toilet humour is the best kind. +2.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-08-31 11:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're so full of shit!
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-31 11:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shit
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-31 11:04:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've read BigMike's stuff on ballparks, they sound like more bother than they're worth.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-08-31 11:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Interesting.
Reading this made me realise that I have no idea how many shits I take per day. I couldn't even give you a ballpark.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-08-31 11:02:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-31 10:57:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Shenanigans.
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Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-31 11:01:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shenanigans or not this is fucking hilarious.
It's not unheard of though, the constipation that is, not 1.21 being funny, although all circumstances I've heard have been from women. Pooing is one of the last original taboos that remains to be broken, TV courteously reminds us to hate and fear the byproducts of our bodies and to buy serious chemicals to scourge any source of the dreaded bacteria from our lives. Our parents first and most strict ruling is on control of our bodily functions.
In essence, we hate our poo and we hate having to poo. At least subconsiously. That is why we eat at our desks but keep our toilets cleaner.
So I reckon you really don't want her too see that side of you, that brown and smelly side, and reject you. Dr. Berty would suggest communicating these fears and to your girlfreind and then you can watch one another poo, thus shattering the taboo and alleviating your anxiety.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2005-08-31 11:00:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-31 10:59:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gosh, I'm stumped.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-31 10:57:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shenanigans.