Fun with OCD (1230 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.66 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-09-01 11:26:02 EDT
Where to begin?
We'll start with me at the age of eight, correcting the teacher's spelling on the blackboard. Fast-forward through an interesting childhood, some rebellious years as a teen, a few stumbling blocks and a couple of relationships. Fast forward, speeding up the tape to get through the boring bits.
Speed it up and there's a baby, there's a relationship, there's a long ass time of nothing, there's the desert, there's the first real adult friends, there's the child's first day of school.
Slow, slow.
Play. Just for this conversation.
"So, I dropped him off at school..."
"And?"
"And on the board, they'd written in big letters 'Don't forget you're hat'.
"...So?"
"So, I'm not sure I want him going to that school."
"We live in the desert. There is no other school."
"Yes but it's WRONG. I don't want him learning from brainless idiots."
"Get over it. Want another coffee?"
"Sure. What do you think of home schooling?"
"I think you're retarded."
"Gotcha."
Fast forward again. Boring, boring, pointless. Here:
There is a bumper sticker on a car. "If you can read this, your too close."
I follow the car to the mall, head throbbing, aching like a rotten tooth.
"Your bumper sticker is really, really irritating. It's spelled wrong."
"So fucking what? Get fucked."
He walks into the mall and I remove the sticker with a nail file.
Fast forward. Here.
The sign on the shop chalkboard reads "Fathers Day Gift's". I go in and ask for the chalk. They give it to me because I'm a people person. I correct the sign.
I saw a guy holding a sign that said "Higher wage's for nurse's" and I really, really wanted to beat him to death with it. In all other things, I am nice. I am patient. I am the fucking epitome of sanity and reason.
There are few things in life that we can control. People will die and they will leave. Things break, jobs end, money disappears, mountains fall and oceans rise and children live and die and people get sick and love can't be trusted and it all goes wrong goes haywire and you can't control any of it and you're fooling yourself if you think you can and the only way is to hold onto the rollercoaster and not scream too loud BUT
There are rules.
Apostrophes are not used to pluralize.
The possessive form of it is its.
Contractions use apostrophes.
These things are unchanging, and constant, and reliable. They're solid and stable.
I proofread like this: if I read it and my head hurts, there's a mistake somewhere.
And all this buildup is just to say "Thank you." Thank you to every person who cannot spell, who doesn't understand grammar. Thank you to people who make me do things like this:
___________________
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-07-16 11:03:49 (#)
Ranking: -2
"but we think your crazy" YOU'RE YOU'RE YOU'RE YOU'RE YOU'RE YOU ARE YOU ARE YOU ARE YOU ARE CRAZY YOU'RE CRAZY YOU ARE YOU'RE YOU'RE YOU'RE DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND ME MOTHERFUCKER???
"simplist light" SIMPLEST SIMPLEST SIMPLEST SIMPLEST SIMPLEST SIMPLEST SIMPLEST SIMPLEST SIMPLEST SIMPLEST SIMPLEST SIMPLEST SIMPLEST SIMPLEST SIMPLEST SIMPLEST
"easiest defention" DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION DEFINITION
I can't fucking read past your first fucking paragraph because YOUR FUCKING SPELLING MAKES MY HEAD HURT AND MAKES MY OCD FLARE UP TO THE POINT WHERE I WANT TO KILL AND EAT PUPPIES YOU FUCKING ILLITERATE FUCK.
_____________________
If it weren't for you, I never would have known I was crazy. I wouldn't have these lovely pills or this cosy straightjacket or my frequent "holidays" in that quiet room where nobody misspells anything, ever.
Thank you, from the bottom of my passive-aggressive, generally anxious, obsessive compulsive heart.
User Reviews
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-12-14 11:19:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by smoke_in_my_lungs (user info) at 2005-10-07 23:13:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think you care a bit too much.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-10-07 22:59:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe am cool.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-07 22:42:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-07 11:58:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
your my "favorite" author theres nothing I like's better than reading your 'stuff
____________
Heartless. That's all you are. A heartless awful man.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:13:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you ever have to ride backwards in the car for half the trip just so you could get an equal amount of sun on both sides?
that's a fucking OCD.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-07 11:58:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your my "favorite" author theres nothing I like's better than reading your 'stuff
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-20 09:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-09-18 10:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The world is full of retards. Get over youreself. Your rite in getting pissed at taht school for mispelling "yor" on the chalkboard.
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2005-09-18 09:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheGirlWithoutATitle (user info) at 2005-09-04 17:04:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another.
Submitted by TheGirlWithoutATitle (user info) at 2005-09-04 17:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, I forgot to rate.
Submitted by TheGirlWithoutATitle (user info) at 2005-09-04 17:03:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I cannot stand when people say "you" in formal writing, but almost everybody does it - even me.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-09-04 14:58:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You think YOUR OCD is bad... I COUNT when I shake after a piss.
I shit you not.
It was hell forcing myself not to count to a ROUND number. I still count, mind you, but at least now it doesn't have to be 5 or 10 or 15 in order for me to finally zip up.
Also, your OCD must be flaring up something wicked at this:
Oh, wait ... no, I just realized that's not actually a spelling error. Nevermind then, you're officially wacko.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-09-03 06:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you'll need a bigger bucket than that to flush those two particular turds
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-09-03 06:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
SPELLING CONTEST STARTING NOW
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-09-02 09:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Bloke (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:06:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Must be the OCD. I'm compiling notes for a post on Merlina & OCD. It might be a long one...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have MILD OCD.
Submitted by highlander (user info) at 2005-09-02 02:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I also hate the improper use of grammar. I respect the fact that you want to beat seven shades of shit out of people who abuse the poor, innocent little apostrophe.
I love the fact that you have the Little Book of Bunny Suicides. Have a +2 and a big hug :o)
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-01 19:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:56:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Death Jester -
It is acceptible these days to begin a sentense with a conjuntive, for emphasis and such. All the truly trendy folks are doing it. It's all the rage, really. It's quite cutting edge. """
What's a 'conjuntive' autard?
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2005-09-01 16:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain.
Your kids are SO. CUTE.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-09-01 15:16:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah.
Hell yeah.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-09-01 14:28:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I keep telling you this is totally acceptable behavior in my family...
So, here's a little anecdote that doesn't quite live up to yours, but what the fuck, I feel like sharing and no one can stop me.
In 1983, one of the major US networks broadcast a drama that was supposed to show how much it would suck to live in the midwest (Kansas, I think), after an all-out nuclear war with the Soviets. It was one of the rare times that my brother and I (all of 11 years old at the time) were allowed to stay up past our normal bedtime to watch TV. The program, which was called "The Day After", was a pretty heavy bummer and included all kinds of tearjerking shots of the effect of radiation poisoning on babies and such appetizing fare. I was already obsessed with nuclear weapons and nuclear war, so I watched the whole thing with rapt attention, but it turned out to have been a little bit too heavy for a lot of my contemporaries... anyway, I remember it being a pretty significant highlight of the early 80's-- when the fireworks factory exploded later that same week, most of the kids in my school thought it was a nuclear attack because they'd all seen "The Day After".
In school the day after The Day After, our history teacher wanted to have a little discussion about what we all thought about the show and how it made us feel and whether any of us reconsidered our opinions on John Foster Dulles' doctrine of massive retaliation. (Okay, not that last part).
Several of the flightier girls in the class raised their hands, eager to show off the stunning depths of their empathy for made up characters, but the teacher called on me first because she knew I could complete a coherent sentence and because she was too stupid to see through the thin veil of my contempt.
"How did seeing the way all those people would suffer make you feel about the Cold War?"
"I think the network should have proofread the little afterwords that rolled up the black screen at the end, because when they spelled "its production" with an apostrophe it kind of ruined the whole thing for me. It just made the whole thing into a bad joke."
(See how dumb I was? Not only did I not know enough to keep my mouth shut, but I wasn't quick enough on my feet to say "The horrific apostrophe misuse would make the survivors envy the dead," which would have gotten the same point across more concisely and also cleverly quoted from "On Thermonuclear War", which would have had some relevance to the topic and possibly saved me a(nother) trip to the Principal's office.)
Anyway. Point is, welcome to the Apostrophe Gestapo! Here are your truncheon and jackboots, and your Coffee Club card for the cafeteria.
Submitted by malefic (user info) at 2005-09-01 14:19:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Proper grammar is a beautiful thing.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-09-01 14:02:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All Truck's half off!
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-09-01 13:15:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You seriously either need to start doing drugs or sell your family.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are those your twins, Circe? Funny, they don't look demonic.
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am also a mispronunciation nazi.
My least favorite mispronounced words:
newk-you-lar for nuclear (damn you George Bush)
and
melk for milk. This one in particular makes me want to eat people's faces off.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:17:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Monty, I must have that book. I'm going to buy it and put it in the Pride Of Place spot in my library, right where Bunny Suicides is now.
LP - Thank you, darling.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:13:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And the children are lovely.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:12:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Circe, you know I love you.
http://eatsshootsandleaves.com/esl.html This book was made for you and I to read in post-coital afterglow.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:11:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:08:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.bustedtees.com/shirts/yourretarded
______
No, no, no. Oh hell no.
I don't care that it's a trap and I don't care that my passion for beating the English language into the heads of those around me makes me seem crazed and retarded, I would spit on and punch somebody wearing that. I wouldn't be able to help it. You don't understand, that just... it's... oh no.
No.
I'd give anything not to know that shirt exists.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:09:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't even get me started.
I've taken to furiously linking people to the Apostrophe Protection Society web page. It saves me typing out all of the actual rules.
http://www.apostrophe.fsnet.co.uk/
http://www.apostrophe.fsnet.co.uk/
http://www.apostrophe.fsnet.co.uk/
http://www.apostrophe.fsnet.co.uk/
o/
(that is a grammar nazi, by the way)
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:09:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"And on the board, they'd written in big letters 'Don't forget you're hat'.
"...So?"
"So, I'm not sure I want him going to that school."
"We live in the desert. There is no other school."
"Yes but it's WRONG. I don't want him learning from brainless idiots."
-------------
Aren't public schools grand?
This cracked me up like a mother fucker.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:08:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.bustedtees.com/shirts/yourretarded
Submitted by The_Bloke (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
woooaaaaahhhh you scarey lady...
But strangely appealing. Must be the OCD. I'm compiling notes for a post on Merlina & OCD. It might be a long one...
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:56:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Death Jester -
It is acceptible these days to begin a sentense with a conjuntive, for emphasis and such. All the truly trendy folks are doing it. It's all the rage, really. It's quite cutting edge.
------------
So is wearing false Burberry and drinking White Lightning on the swings in the local park at 9pm.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:03:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I lke this but unfortunately I spell and write like shit.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:02:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeanneee - My brother from another mother!
a.c - ooooh yes. That one stings.
Submitted by aerodynamically.curvaceous (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:00:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with all of these, but it's the spelling of 'definitely' spelled as 'definately' that absolutely kills me.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DeathJester - I have no problem with less than technically perfect sentence structure. I'm worse than anyone when it comes to that. But, see, that can fall under the label of 'artistic', while simple punctuation and grammatical errors fall under the label of 'pisses me the fuck off and makes me go all crazy-like and unreasonable'.
Apollo - if you weren't so far out of my league I wouldn't have that life size poster of you above my bed.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:59:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I too have the spelling/punctuation pet peeve. I believe you and I have discussed it before.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:57:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your so crasy!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Death Jester -
It is acceptible these days to begin a sentense with a conjuntive, for emphasis and such. All the truly trendy folks are doing it. It's all the rage, really. It's quite cutting edge.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:49:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If i wasn't so far out of your league we would be made for each other.
I have come close to losing friend's over punctuation's.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:47:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We'll start with me at the age of eight....""
hehehheheheheeheheh
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:44:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
And here's me, forgetting to close my quotations around "thank you" on this, of all posts.
----------------
Also, you started a sentence with a conjunctive... As I just did.
However, I did neglect to encapsulate the entirety of "IT IS" below within speech marks.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:45:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your funny.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:44:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And here's me, forgetting to close my quotations around "thank you" on this, of all posts.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:43:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Awww, Teeph... You made me smile, and blush a little. I like you too.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why would you spend your time obsessing about words when you can obsess about horrific diseases? That's what I did with my obsessive-compulsive childhood.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:43:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank God I'm not the only person in the crazy bin. I can't stand these kinds of mistakes. On a side note. I live in South Georgia where exists the worst accent on the face of the earth. I had an ENGLISH teacher in college that pronounced "idea," as "idear." I would sit in the back of the classroom damn near ready to explode. Fucking idear!! It's "IDEA" you fucking hick!!!
Ok
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your joking are'nt ewe?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I correct people all the time. I got it wrong on my stupid post about looting though. I don't know what came over me- I think it was because I had been off work for 7 weeks and had forgotten how to spell due to the only typing I had done being on uber.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I find particular "exception" with your second cartoon choice, but that's just one of my own personal little foibles.
I just want to say though, thank you." Thank you for being consistently awesome and never failing to make my day better, whenever you write anything.
I like you. A lot.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:39:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAOMGWTFLOL THE POSESSIVE FORM OF "IT" IS IS "IT'S" AS IN "IT'S MINE!" U R TEH DUMMY!1
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:34:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
They're not circus midgets YET. We have our fingers crossed, though. The interview is later this week.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I love the picture of the two circus midgets with their bucket.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:31:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Go and read every single one of my posts I dare you. Correct punctuation is for girls.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by RaineLark (user info) at 2005-09-01 11:28:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't stand people messing up the your/you're thing either. I feel for you!