Getting the Best of a Supermarket Security Guard (1474 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.52 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (View user info) at 2005-09-01 12:00:40 EDT
I'll skip the part about getting drunk. Do you know what the Boardy Barn is? It's like a frat party, except it's a bar. It exists out in Hampton Bays and it attracts the ugliest drunk girls you've ever seen. Anyone who goes will end up making out with a chick they'd never make out with, no matter how drunk they were, anywhere else. That's where I was on Sunday.
Jared is an idiot. It used to be condoned, actually promoted, to throw beer at Boardy Barn. Now you get kicked out for that shit. I chugged a cup of beer, Jared threw the cup, the bouncers threw Jared. Now it's 7PM on Sunday and we're too drunk to drive to we gotta kill some time. And the best way to kill time is to eat crab salad.
Luckily for our drunk asses, there is a King Kullen (LI supermarket to those not from here) right next door to Boardy Barn. The three of us, Jared, Richie and I, made our way over to the grocery store for the sole purpose of getting crab salad. Upon entering the establishment, I was confronted by an extremely large (read: FAT) store employee who kindly asked me to leave the premises. I explained to him that the store closed and 9 and I just wanted some crab salad. The man started to forcibly move me back towards the door, and explained that Boardy Barn customers were not allowed to enter King Kullen.
I was enraged, but drunk enough to not get into something I couldn't handle. I started to argue with the man, and asked to speak to a manager, but the power-tripping obese gentleman would not comply with my request. Instead, he said "why don't you go talk to those guys?" indicating a group of Southampton Policeman gathered at the edge of the parking lot, "and see if they'll convince me to let you in." A big, winning smile crossed this asshole's face, as my friends and I backed into the parking lot.
"I'm getting in there, I want my crab salad!"
"Sure you are, buddy! Those cops will help you out!" The oblong-shaped alpha male said.
"Fucking prick!" I exclaimed, reaching for my cell phone. "How the fuck did he know we just came from Boardy Barn?" I then glanced at Richie's beer soaked shirt, covered by an abundance of yellow happy face stickers with the phrase 'Boardy Barn' across the front. "I see." I said.
"Screw it, let's just get pizza." Jared suggested.
"No!" I replied, flipping open my cell phone and dialing 411. As soon as I heard the kind lady's automated voice, I replied "Hampton Bays, New York... Yes, I'd like the number for the King Kullen? Thank you."
Within seconds I was connected with the store just a few yards behind me. I asked to speak to a manager, immediately soberizing my voice. "Yes, is this the manager? I was just ejected from your store, because I was trying to get some crab salad..." Before I could even finish my sentence, the managerial dickhead was talking over me and not letting me make my points. Eventually I just got frustrated and raised my voice.
"What is it? What the problem? I don't know if it's because we're visibly Jewish or what, but I feel a little discrimination here. Perhaps I need to speak with an attorney?"
The man was silent for a few seconds, and eventually he came back and said "alright, if I come outside and escort you to the seafood department, would that be okay?"
"Certainly," I said.
So the man came out, apologized if I felt I was being treated poorly, and I got some crab salad for $4.07. I exited the store, where the security guard had just brushed off some nasty drunk chicks looking to get inside the supermarket for similar munchies. I took a stand about 4 feet in front of the guy, brandishing my little snack.
"Crab salad!" I said, showing it to the security guard. I pried open the little plastic container, stuck my fingers inside and removed a nice, thick piece of crab, smothered in mayonnaise and other spices. I made quite a scene of shoving it into my mouth, licking my fingers and smacking my lips.
"Mmm, Mmm! Would you like some?" I asked the man, motioning towards the container with my mayonnaise soaked fingers.
It looked like the guy was going to burst. "Get that shit out of my face before I shove it in yours." He said.
"Hmm, why don't you go ask the boys in blue over there what they think of that?" I said, motioning to the same group of cops the fucker had pointed out before. I gave the man the same wining smile, and tossed almost-full the crab salad in the trash can by the store door. Turning back to my friends, I said, "Let's get some fucking pizza, boys!"
Me, Richie, Jared, Ugly Drunk Chick before ejection...
User Reviews
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-02-18 07:30:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
just bought a mazdaspeed6. it's sweet. thats all.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-03-31 13:08:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU'RE 121st ON THE MVA!
1.21 Gigawatts - 121st place
Submitted by Teuton (user info) at 2005-09-01 19:30:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck yeah. fuck that piece of shit. that is awesome. Sound like something I would do. Read my Chilles submission. Why does a fucking gorcery store need bouncers anyway?
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-09-01 19:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I guess they have a point in not wanting to let drunkards into the grocery store. When I am drunk, sometimes I think being distructive is funny. Or that is is fun to steal things. I understand why they don't want to take the risk, and would rather lose the business.
Submitted by djgray (user info) at 2005-09-01 18:02:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to stick it to the XXL man.
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2005-09-01 16:55:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK THE WANNA-BE PIGS!! WOOT!!
Nice work. I hate those bastards.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-09-01 15:16:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
looks like youre vying for attention there
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-09-01 14:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because when I've been drinking the first thing I want to eat is something slathered in mayonnaise.
Mmm mmm, bitch.
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-09-01 13:24:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:25:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
why did you throw away the crab salad? it sounded delicious.
is that the place where if its your first time there, you get beer dumped on you from everybody? my cousin was telling me about that place, and how i gotta go there with her some time.
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I dumped the crab salad out in front of the guy to prove a point, that I didn't really want the crab salad but that I COULD GET the crab salad.
And yes you will get beer dumped all over you your first time at Boardy Barn, but that happens pretty much everytime you go there.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:58:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'M SICK OF THOSE LITTLE LIDS ON COFFEE MUGS! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SPILL YOUR COFFEE, THEN YOU SHOULDN'T BE FUCKIN' DRIVING WITH IT, NOW SHOULD YOU BE?
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
drop a duece yet or what?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why did you throw away the crab salad? it sounded delicious.
is that the place where if its your first time there, you get beer dumped on you from everybody? my cousin was telling me about that place, and how i gotta go there with her some time.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
KILL'EM!! KILL'EM ALL!!!
I...I mean...I'm not a fan of crab salad.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
woohoo.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:15:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hmmm
Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:14:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:09:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
Do they serve Pimms and lemonade?
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Is that good? Is that a Brit thing?
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:09:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do they serve Pimms and lemonade?
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:07:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Mmm, Mmm! Would you like some?" I asked the man, motioning towards the container with my mayonnaise soaked fingers.
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AHAHAHAHAHAAAA.
Fucking Rent-a-cops.
Good story.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-09-01 12:07:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You sound like you were easily amused.