What Happens When You Chase Your Dreams (893 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.6 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (View user info) at 2005-09-01 12:58:52 EDT
Theo McBaldasare was a simple man with simple needs, like coffee, or toothpaste. He owned a pack of monkeys that lived in his basement; practicing their cymbal slams and filling the basement with the putrid stench of cigar smoke and cheap wine. They kept him sane with their charming fake smiles that meant nothing more than an appreciative rub on the head from Theo, incessantly chattering their teeth and doing backflips as all monkeys do.
You might be thinking that this guy might have had a problem with being social and finding real friends. Well, you're right, but it doesn't matter because Theo hated the human race with a passion anyways. His father was constantly away on business trips. He found out when his father died that most of them were excuses to go and get fucked up on cocaine in some random whore's apartment. His mother had a wicked case of OCD. Every Sunday, like clockwork, she would wake up and spend the whole day trying on every dress she had in her wardrobe, standing in the mirror and picking off any piece of lint or speck of dust she could see. She refused to celebrate birthdays, and often made Theo bathe close to four times a day, maybe more if he decided to go outside and play with himself.
I think that one of the problems with Theo's case is that children are bastards. Evil, heartless sons of bitches who worship at the altar of two things: jokes about farts or bunnies, and the slightest sign of vulnerability to latch upon with intent on destroying a fellow beings psyche. Living in a small town in Virginia didn't help matters at all. Everyone knew about his crazy parents, and the children made sure he knew that they knew by beating him to a pulp every couple of weeks. They called him names like "Theo Credo" and "Officer Reginald Vel Johnson", which doesn't even make any sense.
The other glaring problem with his situation is that there was no way out. His mom was crazy, but not "crazy" crazy, and his dad was just never around. The only thing that kept him going was his undying devotion towards becoming a comedian like his idol, Rita Rudner, and working the cruise ships as an entertainer for the people. He also wanted to kill elder women and skin their bodies to make tents, but thankfully video games derailed that train of thought when "Super Skin Tent" came out on Nintendo in 1989.
He worked at local fast food chains as a teenager until he had saved up efficient funds to afford the costs of sending in an application to the cruise corporations. After weeks of waiting, his prayers were finally answered when his job request was denied because he put Santa Claus and Jesus Harrison Ford as references. The ferocity of reality's bitchslap awoke him to the notion that maybe, just maybe, he was going to have to adapt to the real world, to become another face among the voiceless drones, with no monkeys to speak of to for entertainment purposes.
That wasn't going to happen. Thanks to his love of gangsta rap, Theo found that he could make tons of money from selling crack-cocaine and weapons. He was scared to death of abusing drugs and had no interest in attaining a small arsenal of guns, so he was pulling in pure profit during his black market tenure. Within three years of his first sell, Theo was one of the top drug lords in the northeastern part of Illinois. He bought his first monkey when he was 20, named him Zanzibar, and fed him a case of chocolate bars as a welcoming present; which killed the monkey because I think they're like dogs and it's toxic to them.
Theo was crushed. He had the fucking monkey for only twenty minutes, and now Zanzibar was stiff as my penis when I see orange soda is on sale for 35 cents. He became wary of the drug game in the coming days and wanted to find a way out so he could move to Greenland and hunt sea lions for sustenance. Unfortunately, when you have hundreds of crack heads relying on you for a fix, it's not that easy. Theo either needed to find them another dealer, or kill all of them in one fell swoop. Being the kind gentleman that he is, he decided to invite anyone who bought from him to a party at his house, then set a timed bomb to go off within five minutes of the alleged start of the bash. Now with his mind eased from the thoughts of anyone trying to come after him, he took off for Greenland, and found out that whoever the fuck named Greenland was probably semi-retarded because it's pretty much entirely encased in ice.
Theo didn't know what he wanted anymore. First he wanted to skin old ladies, then he wanted monkeys as friends, then he wanted to go Greenland for no real reason, now he wanted to go back home and become a real estate agent. He spent what he had saved from the drug game on the plane ticket, so he knew that if he wanted to get back to America there was only one way to do it: start selling his body to the lonely men that kept telling him his face was pretty, like a woman. By the time Theo had saved up enough money from the prostitution, his asshole looked like the entrance to a cave at a national park. He didn't care though, all Theo wanted to do was get back home and start a normal life; possibly buy like one more monkey and make sure not to feed him anything other than wine.
He returned to America and quickly became licensed as a true real estate agent, and was also granted his license to kill.
Theo: License to what? I....I just want to sell houses.
Agent 001: Yeah but, you know, you gotta kill people if they just waste your time looking and not buying. We also sell drugs on the d/l too if you want in.
Theo: On the download? I don't want in on the drugs, I just want the normal life that I've never been able to have. Can't I just do my job? I promise I won't say anything, I'll keep my mouth shut, and you guys can just do whatever it is you do okay?
Agent 001: I'm afraid it's not that easy. Hmmm..........here, I'll make you a deal. You complete this obstacle course to my right known as "The Eliminator" in less than 60 seconds and we'll talk. If not, I'm afraid that you'll have to shoot this baby I'm holding in the face, which in turn will make you kill yourself I'm hoping.
Theo: What if I complete it in less than 60 seconds?
Agent 001: I said we'll talk about it. Now GO GO GO TIME STARTS NOW!!!!
The Eliminator was a complete rip-off of the Eliminator that was used in American Gladiators. He had to run up this ramp, pedal his way across an open pit filled with hypodermic needles, climb this stupid net thing, milk a cow, bench press 350 lbs ten times, and then arm-wrestle a chicken while he sang the national anthem with a mouth filled with Cheetohs. He completed the course in an astonishing 54 seconds.
Agent 001: Godamn that was awesome! Holy shit man....I'm moved to tears by your rendition of our nation's anthem. That was beautiful.
Theo: I was in the choir in high school. I wanted to skin my teacher alive.
Agent 001: Too much info there, champ. Okay so I gotta go get to softball practice.....nice knowing ya.
Theo: What the fuck!?!? You said we would talk about what I was gonna get for doing all that stupid shit!?!??!
Agent 001: I never actually promised anything, I said we would talk. Yeah, hey, we're talking about it now aren't we? Later.
Theo: You fuckstain! From this moment on, the only purpose I will have in life is to hunt you down and slowly torture you for trying to double-cross me!
Agent 001: Dude, what? I fucking delivered on my promise. You need to chill out and get laid. Consider yourself lucky, usually if someone completes it I make them shoot the baby anyways. Get out of my sight.
Theo:........Can I still sell houses?
Agent001: You could go buy an army of monkeys and train them to hunt me for the rest of my natural life and I wouldn't give a shit.
That's when Theo thought he found his real purpose in life: to collect a large assortment of monkeys and turn them into trained killers.
He sold houses from time to time, and would buy a new monkey once every two weeks or so. Within a year, Theo had close to 21 monkeys at his beck and call. The only problem was with the training them to shoot guns and actually be able to identify Agent 001 as their target. Usually they just ended up getting drunk and playing with their cymbals in the basement that he had bought them for Christmas, leaving Theo upstairs to contemplate whether or not he had made another horrifically idiotic idea.
Theo was now 35 years old, with no family or friends to be proud of. He sat alone in his house with his monkeys, petting them, thinking about how all he wanted was so different from what he actually needed. No time machine to go back and change it all, no way to find a woman that would love his sorry ass. He had dug his own grave without even thinking about the repercussions. The monkeys brought nothing but temporary solace. His heart was empty now, much like his life had been for so many years...
He was just a simple man, with simple needs....
User Reviews
Submitted by minimumdino (user info) at 2006-01-10 18:24:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
dream that you can post and make it interesting
Submitted by DanielH (user info) at 2005-09-05 08:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-09-02 13:17:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not sure if you'll see this for awhile, but I hope you're okay and safe daniel. give us an update of your condition when/if you get the chance. godspeed.
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You're a classy guy. Sharing limited laptop power with others and have to go loot piggly wiggly. later d
Theo....
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-02 10:20:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
True sentiment.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-09-02 10:10:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture scares the everloving hell out of me.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-09-01 18:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha your a nut case but i love reading your stuff.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-09-01 16:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
glad to see this went over well.
"He had the fucking monkey for only twenty minutes, and now Zanzibar was stiff as my penis when I see orange soda is on sale for 35 cents."
I haven't seen orange Crush in so long, I swear, it's so hard to get an erection anymore...
Submitted by brokenlizard534 (user info) at 2005-09-01 13:37:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-09-01 13:36:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You consistently make me laugh out loud.
Thank you.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-01 13:32:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ArtificialInsanity (user info) at 2005-09-01 13:29:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds similar to my uncle's autobiography.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-09-01 13:26:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I picked a shitty day to post.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-09-01 13:00:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sick of chasing my dreams.
I'm just gonna find out where they're going, and hook up with them later.