Pee Post Friday (769 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.75 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <ejryuu.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-09-02 14:18:27 EDT
Mountain Dew's starting to work it's post-chugging magic and I find myself bored and able to pee. I say "able" because I don't really have to go, but I'm bored. God forbid I get involved with something important at work and have a full bladder, so I'll be taking care of that right meow. My headphones come off. Incubus' Megalomaniac can wait.
Exiting my half-walled confines, I step out into the hallway, pausing to look both ways so as to avoid plowing anyone over in my lethargic haste.
And then I see him.
I'm not a fan of judging people right off the bat, but this guy looks like a tool. It wasn't his ugly face or the dopey look that was plastered on it. It wasn't his tight short jeans or his garage sale shirt (says the 22 year old wearing the Spongebob Squarepants t-shirt). It was more an aura of toolness radiating from him. His soul cried out, "Throw rocks at me! Beat me with sticks! I'm worthless!" Somewhere along the seventy foot waltz to the off-white room that houses the urinals, it dawned on me: this fucker is going to come in behind me.
The heavy wooden door opens and makes the same creaking noise that I've come to know at least a few times every day, five days a week for the past three years. The bathroom is devoid of human life. Three urinals, two stalls. I pick an outside urinal. My favorite one is the first in line. The third is just too close to the cans and stuff wafts, man. The noise my zipper emits is muted by none other than the encore creak of said big wooden door. Well, well, well, look who it is!
There are men that eat bacon, do shots of KFC gravy, chop down trees to build their own log cabins and wrestle bears. And then there are guys that pick the middle urinal. Welcome to one of my far too many idiosyncrasies.
I freeze up. I'm not really pee shy, I'm more....pee creeped out. Pee damn you! Now Toolface is making noises to break the silence. Straining grunts and sighs. He goes fast. The grunts finish. I commence urination. Fucking creep. The next sound I expect to hear is the sweet sound of the urinal fairy washing away the yellow sins committed by the fellow (and when I say "fellow" I mean ball-bouncing scrotum jockey). What invades my eardrums is the sound of the door. Oh no, dear readers, it's not another man coming to join the happy happy piss club. It's the sound of Gruntilda exiting the washroom.
No flush. No wash.
You. Disgusting. Sonofabitch.
I'm by no means a clean freak. My desk at work is a mess. My computer at home is littered with stuff. But at least I have the decency to wash my hands after taking a piss at work, man. And now your pee-pee gross hands are going to be shaking other people's hands and touching a keyboard and eating other people's food and...hey way to be a black plague. Even if you have a strange urine fetish, at least run the fucking water at the sink! He committed every bathroom sin besides the conversation and the reach-around.
I told you he was a tool.
User Reviews
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-11-18 18:08:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here you go Captain Morgan.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-10-17 12:14:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It seems everyone has bathroom issues on their minds...
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-09-05 02:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking hate it when people do that.
The file name was funny as fuck aswell.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-09-03 05:41:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck I get so aggro about the bathroom and cleanliness; think Howard Hughes almost. Ugghh I just had a wave of heebeegeebee surge through me. Yes i just said heebeegeebee.
BTW despite such a disgusting topic, your writing style was fantastic.
Bang
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2005-09-02 21:01:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you should wash your hands before peein'. Think about it. Your hands touch all sorts of dirty things, and then you whip your schlong out of your freshly clean boxers (or briefs, whatever have you..) and your freshly showered weiner is therefore contaminated. Wash before and after. and fucking FLUSH.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-02 16:50:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-09-02 14:36:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, the hilarity.
Am I the only one who finds a bunch of guys standing around with their dicks hanging out extremely gay?
---
yes it is gay but gay people are super
Submitted by spamtrap50 (user info) at 2005-09-02 14:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brand new Angry Kansan!
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-09-02 14:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, the hilarity.
Am I the only one who finds a bunch of guys standing around with their dicks hanging out extremely gay?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-09-02 14:33:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Proper urinal etiquete is a must. leave the buffer man.