The Most Awkward Moment I've Ever Had (3289 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.96 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lechuga (View user info) at 2005-09-05 12:24:34 EDT
It's that time of the year again, when all the little brats go back to school to learn about wonderful things like the leaves and the trees and world history. Yesterday I moved back to College, where I learn about membranes, and nerves, and other wonderful Pre-Med related things.
Before I start classes, we get a little grace period where we can adjust to living in the dorms again, meeting people, getting situated, etc. before we're thrown into 4 months of hellacious classes. Luckily, I moved in first thing in the morning so as to avoid the rush of everyone running around in the basement catching the elevators and generally making a giant mess of the hallways.
Since my room is right beside the elevator, and it's a little too hot to not have the door open, I got to watch everyone who was bumbling by with all of their outlandish things dorm room possessions. These included, but are not limited to, the following:
-A Totem pole. I shit you not. I watched some tiny little Asian girl and this equally skinny white kid meander this giant thing around the corner and into the elevator. I don't know how they fit the 8-foot tall log into the elevator. And is it really that important to have the power of bear, eagle, and badger when all you do in college is drink?
-A statue of Shiva. This thing was literally 4 feet tall, made out of wood, and was in such a position that it would be impossible to not have it in at least the center of the room. Unless Shiva's holding your beer for you, there's no need for this thing. I'm all for freedom of religion, but seriously, a pendant or a necklace or even a sticker would have sufficed. A giant statue of Shiva? This kid shall never get laid, I have decreed it now.
-A Giant Coke bottle piggy bank filled with pennies. Why the hell would anyone bring this to school? Pennies? What the hell can you buy with pennies? Wait, wait, maybe he's going to forge small weapons with the copper and Zinc from the pennies. No, no wait; he's just an idiot.
-An Indie Racing Car Tire. Why? That's my only question. This thing is so big where the hell would you put it? Clearly this is the man behind goatse and he carries it around in his ass.
I asked the Indie car tire kid why he brought the tire, and he looked at me strangely, as if everyone in the universe had one. He said, and I'm quoting (because I don't have the time or the patience to make shit up anymore) "Dude it's a real racing tire." I'm glad I simply don't care.
All of the strangeness aside, it clearly does not compare to the situation I had in the elevator. Most everyone was moved in, and only a select few late ones were still trickling in. I took the elevator to the seventh floor to go see my friend Randy, who had finished moving in and wanted to play some Halo or watch a movie.
First, let me give you some background on the elevator situation in my dorm Building. It was built back in the 1950's, and still has the original elevators installed. Original. These things are over 50 years old, and have one of those clock face indicators of which floor you're on. They're completely safe, but they shut down a whole lot, and someone has to come and give the motor a kick to get it going again. They're replacing them as soon as they can get a new building built to accommodate the overflow of residential students.
Background aside, people still use the elevators even though it can be as much as 20 minutes before someone comes to restart the motor. I stepped inside, and joined a cute little girl holding several boxes in her arms. We exchanged hellos and watched the dial pass the 5th floor. Between the 6th and 7th, the elevator jolted up, and then down. And when the elevator does that, it's telling you a little secret: Move. We had stopped, but not before the jolt had knocked both of us to the floor and all the boxes out of the little girl's hands.
I shit you not when I say that the top box came right down on top of me, open, spilling its contents onto me. Those contents were dildos. At least seven of them. Butt plugs, g-spot stimulators, strap-ons, anal beads, you name it, it was in here. They all hit me in the face and were all around me. I had an anal bead necklace and dildo horns.
The expression on my face was just astonishment that she was doing several of the following:
-Carrying her sex toys around in an open box
-Putting said box on top of everything else
-Not hiding said sex toys in a bag and bringing them in with clothes or something
-Putting said sex toys box in an elevator that's prone to violent stops
She was clearly embarrassed, and rightly so, but to avoid awkward silence, she struck up a conversation with me. She asked me about my major, what year I was, if I played any sports, etc. It would all have been well and good if her dildos and anal beads didn't surround me. I simply asked her to pick them up, because it might be awkward to handle someone else's sex toys without first buying them dinner. She obliged and after everything was picked up, we had a good laugh about it.
Eventually, the maintenance crew started the elevator up again, and she went into her room, but not before giving me her phone number. Now that I know she's a hardcore nympho and is cute as hell, I think I'll partake in the buttsecks.
Al Gore Agrees.
User Reviews
Submitted by mestupsh0w0ff (user info) at 2005-09-15 18:51:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuuf, could been worse though. You could have caught an anal bead in the mouth. :0
Submitted by pharmgirl147 (user info) at 2005-09-11 19:32:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too Funny not to give it plus two!
Submitted by KnightsWhoSayNi (user info) at 2005-09-06 22:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
* is all over my screen
Here have another Plus 2
Submitted by KnightsWhoSayNi (user info) at 2005-09-06 22:12:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was brushing my teeth while reading this story and now toothpaste and spit are all over my computer screen because of that picture. Thanks a lot, asshole!
Plus Fucking 2!!!
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-06 21:52:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-09-06 17:54:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck are you doing on uber then asshat?!
Go fuck that nymph!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-06 17:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lucky you...
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-09-06 15:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should be in there like a dirty shirt, not writing about it online...
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-09-06 12:05:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If only one with a suction cup bottom had fallen and stuck to your forehead...
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-09-06 05:22:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dare I say it? Shenanigans.
Still, I'm not one to give a flying butt plug whether it was true or not. Good story.
Submitted by toxic_sienna (user info) at 2005-09-06 00:49:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey great one.. =)
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-09-06 00:27:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahah now thats how to meet a woman.
haha
Submitted by Calios (user info) at 2005-09-06 00:26:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-09-05 13:49:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
You shoulda hit that shit right then and there. She was down.
Submitted by vettesrule88 (user info) at 2005-09-06 00:09:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i hate awkwardness
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-09-05 23:19:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by comrad (user info) at 2005-09-05 22:55:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-09-05 22:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I look forward to reading her take of this on here...
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-09-05 22:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ArtificialInsanity (user info) at 2005-09-05 15:08:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude it was a real racing tire.
________________________________
Submitted by optide (user info) at 2005-09-05 22:15:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright, works for me
Submitted by XICOHTENCATL-NELLI (user info) at 2005-09-05 22:13:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please focus on how to fix the human body,if you do well there's some booze in it for you.
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2005-09-05 21:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't have been able to stop laughing.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-09-05 17:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I saw a porno that started out that way once.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2005-09-05 16:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is hella-awesome.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2005-09-05 15:58:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
y helo thar...
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-09-05 15:37:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...it might be awkward to handle someone else's sex toys without first buying them dinner."
Good shit.
Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron (user info) at 2005-09-05 15:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great.
Submitted by TheGirlWithoutATitle (user info) at 2005-09-05 15:16:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done.
Submitted by ArtificialInsanity (user info) at 2005-09-05 15:08:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude it was a real racing tire.
Submitted by NocternalDragon (user info) at 2005-09-05 14:42:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haah that was pretty good, makes me wish my college had dorm rooms :(
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-09-05 14:34:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmmmm..... anal juice.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-05 14:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hah
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-09-05 13:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You shoulda hit that shit right then and there. She was down.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-09-05 13:48:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hmmm. ok.
But that is the story you hear everytime when new collegies move into their places. Is it not?
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-09-05 13:07:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I had an anal bead necklace and dildo horns."
---------------------------------------------
I once had a nightmare that started off like this...
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-05 13:06:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always felt satisfied with the hand that life has dealt me untill now.
Why cant I be you.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-09-05 13:03:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
TASTE THE ANAL BE....
EWWWW... WAIT NO...
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-09-05 12:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU CAN'T FELLATE THIS!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-09-05 12:55:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"They all hit me in the face and were all around me. I had an anal bead necklace and
dildo horns. "
HAHAHA! I can picture that!
Submitted by WellFedEthiopian (user info) at 2005-09-05 12:54:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-09-05 12:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was listening to the white album, yes. That is a Lewis Black quote, and it's one of the funnier ones he's ever put out, and I figured people would pick up on it.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2005-09-05 12:50:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The Most Awkward Moment I've Ever Had"?
What? Getting it on with you cousin wasn't awkward?
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-09-05 12:46:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-09-05 12:40:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Go on, admit it - You kept a butt-plug didn't you?
-------------------------------
+1 for the story, +1 for the above
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-09-05 12:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go on, admit it - You kept a butt-plug didn't you?
Submitted by optide (user info) at 2005-09-05 12:34:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good, but-
"He said, and I'm quoting (because I don't have the time or the patience to make shit up anymore)"
Lewis Black, The White Album