I am my father's best man (832 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Kurbs <staggman.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-09-05 22:54:02 EDT
Here is the speech i wrote for my fathers wedding.... i wouldn't post it, except it fits in real well with the crap thats been on here lately
I think my watch must be broken. Wasn't this supposed to happen in 2014? I don't know. What I do know, is that my father has decided to get married again. He always said he'd never tie on the ball and chain ever again, but Pat must have changed his mind. Pat, where did you learn hypnosis, and how do i sign up?
For those of you who don't know, I am Karl's son... you can tell by my sense of humor. I was kind of surprised to be chosen as best man, I mean, he does have a lot of good friends. It finally dawned on me though, I don't know much about the first thirty years of his life, so he thought he could avoid some embarrassment. Wrong.
Pat, in marrying my father today, has reinforced what I've always thought and lived by. That harassment and general unpleasantness will eventually pay off. Anyone here recognize the line "Grumpy as ever"?
Because of this grumpiness, he led a sheltered life, leading to confusion of common phrases. One I remember in particular from that WILD bachelor party at the Legion, was telling Gary Lynde that he "couldn't hit the side of a bright orange barn with a really big stick". Boy am I glad I switched out of Marlboro schools.
All jokes aside though, my dad can fix pretty much anything. Oh no, it won't be pretty, but it will work. Countless childhood toys of mine have been broken, and when I wanted to get a new one, oh no, out comes the duct tape. He has every tool imaginable, from car tools, to carpentry, to metal work, to air compressors, everything imaginable. What does he choose? Duct tape. From what I hear, he used to have a "dodge-alet" front was an orange dodge, back was light blue Chevy, and it was VERY attractive.
And everyone, however dumb she may be for marrying my galoot of a father, don't say dumb, say naive Pat does look great in her dress doesn't she? Lucky she hasn't let my dad near that, or it would be covered in duct tape too.
I guess we need to thank Gary, Cathy, Dick and Diane for pulling this off, and making Pat finally come down to Sully's that night to meet my father. What a romantic place to meet though, a pub in downtown marlboro, filled with smoke and alcohol and sports TV... now that i think of it, why aren't I there more often? Although I wasn't there for the original match-making, I do know that soon thereafter I was involved in helping my father with fixing many things in pat's house, mowing the lawn, shoveling the walk, and eventually in moving her into my house, thus outdating my father's furniture
But, for all his grumpiness, duct tape, and shit-zu bashing, my father is a great man. At least half of the people in this room have called my dad to fix something at some point or another, and he does it gladly every time. He has raised 3 fine daughters, and one, if I do say so myself, mediocre son. He has even put up with two barking, jumping, lapping, pooping shit-zus for almost six months.
To bring things to a conclusion, I'd like to thank you all for your attention. And let me just say that if you've enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I've enjoyed making it, then all I can do is offer my sincere apologies...
To Karl and Pat.
Oh, Dad, the airline called this morning, you missed your flight to Vegas last night , and the escort service is still going to have to charge you.
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-08-24 23:23:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by vettesrule88 (user info) at 2008-08-24 23:14:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2 years.
they are still together.
poor lady.
Submitted by vettesrule88 (user info) at 2005-09-06 22:21:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
c1ndy ive seen it done, just not by me
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-06 17:11:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here is another review because this is nice.
(check out best ever for other perfect 2s)
Submitted by vettesrule88 (user info) at 2005-09-06 16:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
are you kidding me. solid 2 on 12 reveiws.. never seen it done. and i only get 12 reveiws.
fuckers
Submitted by Foonbo (user info) at 2005-09-06 14:03:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work.
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2005-09-06 09:17:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gj
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-09-06 07:54:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your father needs to get married more often.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-09-06 05:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work that man
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-09-06 00:08:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You better have recited it in the voice I read it in, otherwise it won't be as funny.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-09-05 23:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rest assured, your father will learn the 3rd or 4th time around.
maybe
Submitted by vettesrule88 (user info) at 2005-09-05 23:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And everyone, however dumb she may be for marrying my galoot of a father, don't say dumb, say naive
---
should be
And everyone, however naive she may be for marrying my galoot of a father,
... sorry, i left my notes in there
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2005-09-05 23:36:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Teuton (user info) at 2005-09-05 23:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
vegas....lol
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-09-05 23:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of All Ass.
Submitted by Psycosis (user info) at 2005-09-05 23:12:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And let me just say that if you've enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I've enjoyed making it, then all I can do is offer my sincere apologies...
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The whole things was awesome but that line was too good for me not to plagiarise for my next speech.
Submitted by shiniloki (user info) at 2005-09-05 23:05:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment