ATTN Engineers: Dealing With Your Stalker Is Not Part Of My Job Description (847 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.63 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Salvation Jane (View user info) at 2005-09-07 09:09:02 EDT
Every single day, about 9 times alone in the morning, I get the same phone call...
Me: *insert company name*, this is Jane"
Woman: "um.. hello... is Dan there?"
Now, obviously, she isn't dialing the correct extension... but seeing as Dan's office is right next door... I know if he's there, and I don't mind transfering her if he is. Dan's a sweet guy. He's about 59 and he's helped me out with getting my car fixed without getting my wallet raped.
back to the call...
Me: "nope... sorry, I haven't seen him yet"
Woman: "what?! where is he?"
Me: "um... i really don't know... who's this? i'll pass him a message"
Woman: "this is Laura... when can I expect him?"
I know Laura, Laura works for our company at a different branch. The woman on the phone is not Laura.
Me: "oh hey,it's Jane... I don't know when he'll be in... half an hourish? did you get my email about the meeting tomorrow"
Woman then hangs up, knowing she can't fake her way through it.
I really don't know why she calls my extension, but this woman isn't Laura, nor is she Dan's wife.. who I also know. All the same, she calls my extension repeatedly every single day, looking for Dan.
The phone calls have ranged in insanity. Sometimes, she refuses to tell me who's calling. Sometimes, she makes up names. I know the woman's voice now so I know when it's her.
This morning... as of 8:30am EST... I have already recieved 5 calls from this bitch.
Today...
Me: "*insert company name* this is Jane"
Woman: "Dan please"
yup.. it's her... for the 5th time this morning. The last time she called, she told me she was Laura.
Me: "um, you have the wrong extension, and I don't think he's in yet, but I can transfer you to his voicemail"
Woman: "no, that's okay.... when will he be in?"
Me: "I really don't know. Who is this?"
Woman: "Does it really matter?"
Me: "If I'm going to tell him who's calling... yeah it kinda does"
Woman: "Who is this? What is your relationship with Dan?"
Me: "This is Jane. We're coworkers... you know this, Laura.?"
(I figure that since she just played at being Laura, I should make a point at showing her I recognize her voice. She wants to be Laura? Fine, She's Laura"
Woman: "......................um......... no, this isn't Laura."
Me: "I'm sorry, on your last call I could've sworn you said you were Laura. Okay, well, do you want his voicemail or do you want me to pass on to him your name?"
Woman: "How many women call Dan?"
Me: "ummm.... I really don't know. I don't answer his phone. Nor is it my business"
Woman: "What about Laura? Does she call often?"
Me: "Ma'am... she's a coworker, she has reason to call"
Woman: (in a loud whisper) "she's his girlfriend!"
Me: "uh... she isn't... but is that really your business? Look, who is this"
Woman: "okay, this is Sandy. Tell him that I didn't understand anything he said on my voicemail and he needs to tell me again. And that I didn't like the sunglasses"
I also know Sandy. Sandy is Dan's daughter. This isn't Sandy.
Me: "This isn't Sandy. We both know that. Goodbye"
I've asked Dan. His explanation is that he's being harassed by someone.
It's starting to piss me off though. I can't not answer my phone, it may be a client. I usually hang up on her about 3 times a day. But it doesn't stop her from calling back over and over.
Honestly, I can't tell what the hell is going on here. This woman is not his wife. She comes off like a fucking lunatic stalker.
What the hell is the proper way of handling these phone calls?
Wait, forget that, I'm not interested in being proper anymore.
Uber, if you were recieving these calls... how would you mess with this psychotic, paranoid woman? I'm looking for your best nervous-breakdown-inducing-bullshit. In the time it took me to write this post, I have recieved 4 more phone calls from her.
It's time to release the dogs.
Give me all you've got.
User Reviews
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2005-09-08 06:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You could always tell her:
a) "He's in the hospital recovering after his sex change surgery but should be back next week."
b) "He can't come to the phone at the moment because he's bent over his desk with the boss's penis in his ass." Then say "What hasn't that man done for a raise"
Or the classics: "he died/comitted suicide" or "he moved to Greenland" or "he went to jail because he murdered his wife for the other woman he was seeing"
Submitted by JSultan (user info) at 2005-09-08 01:56:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You know it sounds like Dan is playing a trick on you, or it is someone within the office, as you only get the calls when Dan is not around. Strange.
Submitted by Rasta (user info) at 2005-09-08 01:02:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Just say No and hang up. Do this for a few days. She will call someone else's extension.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2005-09-07 18:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One of my buddies was getting stalked really bad, and even showed up at my house uninvited once while he was there. So, I picked up a rotten banana I had lying on my kitchen counter, and smacked her upside the face with it. We then proceeded to throw pretzel sticks at her until she decided to leave. It worked.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-07 16:04:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
forward the calls to the CEO of your company.
Submitted by XFile (user info) at 2005-09-07 15:28:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You: "<company name>, this is Jane
Woman: "Is Dan in?"
You: *with a male-like, dark, gutteral voice* "Ah... it is you, you worthless human!"
Woman: "Erm... right, is Dan in?"
You: *with the same voice* "You should note the old man is dead. And soon you shall join him."
Woman: "Dan... in... is... right now?"
You: *voice etc.* "Hahahaha... you dare challenge me? I see now why the old man had invested his hope in you. But hope can be ever so fleeting. Prepare to face the Netherworld like your former mentor! HAHAHAHAHAAAA! *make sounds of a battle by crumpling paper, colliding various office objects*
---
---
You: "<company name>, this is Jane
Woman: "blablabla, Dan"
You: *Physically hiding under the desk, with the phone next to you, using a hushed voice* Oh my god, I'm glad you called. You gotta help us. They stormed the building, looking for the documents. Inform the authorities, you are the only one who can help us. They are armed, and they already shot <insert name of random co-worker> and... *sounding terrified* no... no! *getting up from under the desk and stepping away from it* NOOOOOOOOOO!
Then rip out the telephone cable, plug it back in after 20 minutes or so.
Should the authorities really arrive, inform them you know nothing about what happened. If they ask why they couldn't reach the extension, tell them there was a technical malfunction with the phone net. If I'm correct, 911 Emergency does not respond kindly to false reports, and should have her phone number and adress on file.
Submitted by lowrysm (user info) at 2005-09-07 15:10:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have so much fun with that crazy bitch.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-07 14:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Is Dan there?"
"This is Dan."
--------
"Is Dan there?"
"Dan speaking."
-------
"Is Dan there?"
"Yes"
"Can I speak to him?"
"Who?"
"Dan."
"He's not here."
"You said he was."
"Oh, yeah."
"Well?"
".....what?"
"Is he there or not?"
"Who?"
"Dan."
"Yes."
"Can I speak to him?"
"Who?"
"Dan!"
"This is Domino's, can I take your order?"
------
"Is Dan there?"
"Can you hear that?"
"What?"
"It's coming... nearly here.. oh yeah, this is it... IT'S BOMB THREAT MONDAY!!"
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-09-07 13:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rubixxcube (user info) at 2005-09-07 13:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish i had your problem, that would entertain me all day.
I would keep her on the phone and ask her strange questions
make up medical conditions you have and ask her opinion of them
tell her dan is in his office and you will transfer her over to him and then transfer her to a random extension.
Just transfer the call to his office whether he is there or not.
Everything out of your mouth should be a random question.
Pretend you are paranoid and people are listening in
start a conversation about aliens
Try to sell her things in your office, pencils, staplers, chairs, anything around you keep on her and tell her you can onyl transfer her when she agrees to buy something and sends you the money.
Pretend you are a radio station and she has won a contest but must answer 1 question to win, "where is Dan?" or make up some crazy question, "How many people in the world are named dan and is she stalking all of them"
I could have a lot of fun with this woman for days.....
Ruby
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-07 13:21:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great replies. you are mental for being so patient
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-09-07 12:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Gotta love the crazies.
Ask her if her call is business related. If she says no, then tell her work is for work, and she should respect that. And if that doesn't work, tell her that Dan got fired for recieving too many personal phone calls.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-09-07 11:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you want to be mean, tell her he hasn't come back from his vacation in New Orleans yet.
And no one has heard from him yet.
And yes I do realize I am going straight to hell for suggesting such a thing.
Submitted by IEatLamps (user info) at 2005-09-07 11:46:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post. Thank her for calling again and try keeping her on the phone for a little while. Then tell her the police only need a few more seconds to sucessfully trace her call.
-or-
Tell her the only way to solve this is over a battle of table hockey. Winner gets Dan.
Submitted by U927 (user info) at 2005-09-07 11:38:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm sorry, he can't speak right now, as his face is currently full of my vagina. I can, however, place the phone right next to him; the voice may be slightly muffled-OH GOD THAT'S THE SPOT!"
If that doesn't work, pretend as if you've known the person for ages and start talking about how you watch her undress from the tree outside her window.
Other handy suggestions:
- Talk in code phrases.
- Pop a balloon and say you've been shot.
- Speak in Pig Latin.
- Explain to her that your coworker has died four years ago.
- Forward her calls to the local pervert in the office. If there is no pervert, forwards the call to a very expensive S&M 800 number.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-07 11:30:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good post.
but seriously where is Dan and when is he coming back?
Submitted by BattlePope (user info) at 2005-09-07 11:06:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gold.
just tell her that dan is performing oral sex on you and cannot speak
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-09-07 10:50:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mutter something about hookers, meth labs, a pair of jumper cables, and a really odd smell coming from the basement/storage closet/attic/whatever. Then exclaim "Wait, you're not my lawyer! Disregard everything you just heard, please." And then hang up.
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-09-07 10:41:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell her.......
A) Dan can't talk right now because he is under your desk, servicing you for being late with your morning coffee.
B) Dan died of a syphillis overdose he got from some "road tramp" he was banging. or, Dan found out he had <Insert incurable STD> and took a few days off of work to gather himself.
C) Abducted by Aliens
D) Kidnapped
E) At the hospital, room "X".
F) Blow a boat horn into the phone everytime you hear her voice. once or twice will be enough for her to stop dialing that extension.
Submitted by Wrightcopy (user info) at 2005-09-07 10:40:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-07 09:59:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell her:
c) That she cannot speak with Dan. That's impossible. Instead . . . only try to realize the truth. That there is no Dan. Then she'll see that it is not with Dan that she speaks, it is only with herself.
-----------------------------------
AHAHAHHHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-07 09:59:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell her:
a) That you haven't seen Dan for a couple of days and that you're really getting worried. Especially since you just found out that you are pregnant with his child.
b) That Dan was fired for receiveing too many personal phone calls.
c) That she cannot speak with Dan. That's impossible. Instead . . . only try to realize the truth. That there is no Dan. Then she'll see that it is not with Dan that she speaks, it is only with herself.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-09-07 09:59:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Instigate a phone sex conversation with her. Repeatedly.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-09-07 09:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
If you want to piss this chick off then there are many ways you can do it. But do you really want to? Yes we've all seen Fatal Attraction. What lesson do we learn from that movie? DO NOT FUCK WITH OBSESIVE COMPULSIVE STALKER TYPES. Unless of course you're ready for a new Pet and really didn't like the old Rabbit anyway.
If you just want the bitch to stop calling. I'd just deny all knowledge of this Dan or that you have spoken to the woman before. Everytime she calls and asks for him just say I'm sorry no one by that name here and hang up. No conversation or explanation just hang up she'll get the message eventually.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-09-07 09:47:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You're Salvation Jane, save him. Or do you work at the Salvation Army?
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-09-07 09:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Give her the correct extension...then hang up on her from now on at the sound of her voice. That doesn't work? Tell your supervisor, and have them put a stop to it. Sounds like Dan is dipping his wick where it doesn't belong.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-07 09:36:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had a stalker. I can't think of anything more flattering.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-09-07 09:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell her that Dan can't talk because he is
dealing with some cunnilingus.
Submitted by Grownasskid (user info) at 2005-09-07 09:29:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
mmm stalkerriffic
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-07 09:28:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whoa, shades of fatal attraction.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-07 09:26:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell her that you are recording all the calls and playing them for Dan.