Because I'm a Dirty Girl. (3015 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 0.17 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rachel Happy pants (View user info) at 2005-09-08 05:42:24 EDT
When you've had a partner for over two years sex can become a little bland, a little repetitive, a little dare I say it...... Boring. So in an effort to spice things up I have bought dress-ups, toys and other assorted things into the bedroom and now because the internet guarantees a certain level of anonymity (in other words I don't need to look you in the eye to tell this story) here is a the tale of my attempt at anal sex, If your easily offended turn away now.
It was a dark and stormy Saturday night the young one was safely tucked away in bed and after a few bottles of beer the talk had turned to our sexual experience what we had tried, what we wanted to try and what we would never try. It turned out that both of us (the fiancée and I ) had never tried anal sex (you know I'm cringing as I write this I'm not sure this is appropriate, ah shit if you don't think this is you can minus two me). Now as it was something he was rather interested in and I wasn't opposed against we thought okay let's do it.
We got all undressed and had a pleasant time of getting each other excited. I decided that a condom should be used as I couldn't stand the thought of what was up inside that region and we set about trying to insert The Penis. We tried me on my hands and knees, me on top, me on my tummy, me on the fiancées lap, but well it wasn't quite working.
With that we decided to do things in the usual old way and never mention this episode again.
Penis's don't belong in Bum's. Only vaginas.
I don't know how gay menz do this? Doesn't it hurt? Don't you have to practice with smaller things first? Doesn't it make your manly pieces smell?
WHY WOULD YOU PUT SOMETHING INSIDE YOUR BUMHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh and FYI, I would never have tried this if I were sober.
User Reviews
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-01-24 10:21:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You should try a lube mixture of tabasco sauce and 100-grit industrial sand.
I hear that's quite an experience...
Submitted by zig (user info) at 2007-01-24 10:04:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Hahhhhhhhhhh! You can SO do better then that. Take it like a woman.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-01-24 09:56:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Not embarressed at all. Just bemused at the fact you find this entertaining.
And unfortunantly for him he is still hanging around.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2007-01-24 09:43:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-01-24 09:27:12 (#)
Ranking: 0
Surely I have written better shit than this. GO away boys."
NO way girl. what, embarassed that your fiance finally made that exit-only gloryhole an entrance-available plunging well? and that he got hemorrhoids of the dick from your nasty-ass ass? leaving you for a sweeter, younger, less-lesioned thing?
no? oh, then i think we'll stay
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-01-24 09:34:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-09-08 10:16:13 (#)
Ranking: 1
Did he not warm you up with a finger or three first?
Poor poor man. It sounds like he had one chance to enjoy the pleasures your ass has to offer and he fucked it up (or more to the point he didn't). I've found most womens attitudes towards anal depend on the first time they try it. If it goes well great!
Quite like my experience . Also : distraction . Being only busy with the weiner, causes focussing on the : yep:weiner . SO : Take that Clit in the left hand , The right nipple in the right hand , get the arrow on the right spot , Stimulate forementioned buttons , and you'll be enjoying budsks in a minute . Taking an oil-bath together is also a Yeah-Yeah !
Anybody have any advice how to get my sheets clean again ?
No advice on my mental condition , please . i will go to hell , reservations are made...
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-01-24 09:27:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Surely I have written better shit than this. GO away boys.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-24 09:21:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't mean to pluralise friend. It was just one singular person doing the falling.Not a gang or anything......
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2007-01-24 09:20:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2007-01-24 09:03:39 (#)
Ranking: 1
"Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-09-08 15:10:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you actually know what it feels like? Because trust me, laddie, it's WAY more than just some pressure, and it most certainly DOES hurt. Lube only affects how much it hurts.
I'm quite sick of hearing boys pressure girls into anal sex. Let's have YOU stick something that size up YOUR bum and then you tell me it's "just a little pressure.""
stfu fatty
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Chuckle
Oh and this really isn't a funny anal story. My friends fell into one girlsbonus tunnel she screamed (apparently he's hung like an african warlord) and the excess pressure in her ass caused an erruption. He had shit everywhere you didn't want it.
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-01-24 09:19:37 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This story really went nowhere did it
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2007-01-24 09:03:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-09-08 15:10:58 (#)
Ranking: 0
Do you actually know what it feels like? Because trust me, laddie, it's WAY more than just some pressure, and it most certainly DOES hurt. Lube only affects how much it hurts.
I'm quite sick of hearing boys pressure girls into anal sex. Let's have YOU stick something that size up YOUR bum and then you tell me it's "just a little pressure.""
stfu fatty
Submitted by digdug (user info) at 2006-03-08 16:52:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-08 17:54:45 (#)
Ranking: 2
You feel him growing, his erection rubbing slick against your inner thigh. His hands slide down your body to your hips, for a moment the warmth of his torso leaves your back and you feel him part your buttocks. He exhales as he places his penis at your opening and pushes gently. You tense up and there is resistance. He reaches forwards and takes your hands, guiding them to his warm thighes and then pushes into you. There is a noise and a sensation as if you are full of food, you tense up again and he moans softly, he pushes harder. There is pain. you feel the sweat on his skin, the terrible preassure upon you, the feeling in your insides. Suddenly you feel him passing into you, the muscles free up and you are together. The heat of his torso returns to your back, his warmth safely inside and he whispers his love in your ear.
Then he whispers, "I've got AIDS, bitch!"
=======================================================
HAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHHAHHAHAHHAHA
*tear*
HAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHHHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHa
Submitted by angryrob (user info) at 2006-03-08 16:29:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
u just have to use the right lube..
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-08 17:54:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You feel him growing, his erection rubbing slick against your inner thigh. His hands slide down your body to your hips, for a moment the warmth of his torso leaves your back and you feel him part your buttocks. He exhales as he places his penis at your opening and pushes gently. You tense up and there is resistance. He reaches forwards and takes your hands, guiding them to his warm thighes and then pushes into you. There is a noise and a sensation as if you are full of food, you tense up again and he moans softly, he pushes harder. There is pain. you feel the sweat on his skin, the terrible preassure upon you, the feeling in your insides. Suddenly you feel him passing into you, the muscles free up and you are together. The heat of his torso returns to your back, his warmth safely inside and he whispers his love in your ear.
Then he whispers, "I've got AIDS, bitch!"
WEOOO HOOO!! RODEO TIME!!!!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-09-08 15:10:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-08 11:10:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
It won't 'hurt' as such. It'll just hurt psychologically, like when you get a tooth pulled at the dentist. Your mouth is numb so all you feel is preassure. It feels weird so you get distressed. Anal penetreation is exactly the same, it won't hurt you. All you'll feel is preassure and when you relax he'll push through and into you. If you just wait for a little while in that position for you to get used to him being there, he can move quite comfortably and I swear to you you'll never have felt closer to another living soul.
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Do you actually know what it feels like? Because trust me, laddie, it's WAY more than just some pressure, and it most certainly DOES hurt. Lube only affects how much it hurts.
I'm quite sick of hearing boys pressure girls into anal sex. Let's have YOU stick something that size up YOUR bum and then you tell me it's "just a little pressure."
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-09-08 14:59:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Gotta lube it up. Water-based for easier clean-up. Or fuck the vagina first and if the girl is really horny, that is just as good as lube. Funny how the only time I did a girl in her pooper was the first time. It's like hitting a grand slam in your first at bat and never hitting one again.
I'm pretty convinced that with a decent amount of lube and a whole lot of force, a dude can fuck a girl's ears. But that might hurt the girl.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-09-08 13:24:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You disappoint me
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-09-08 13:19:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-09-08 12:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to try anal sex, but the my lady friend told me that she'd only be into it if she were a bit tipsy. I guess girls don't like butt sex when they are sober...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-08 12:03:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, I got a little carried away there. The end-of-day rush always messes with my sensibilities, I beg your forgivness.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-08 11:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No listen I've felt close to human souls I feel close to them all the time it dosn't mean I want them pushing on through me.
Submitted by Belimobile (user info) at 2005-09-08 11:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Berty thats what the guy I lost my virginity to said & it bloody hurt!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-08 11:10:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It won't 'hurt' as such. It'll just hurt psychologically, like when you get a tooth pulled at the dentist. Your mouth is numb so all you feel is preassure. It feels weird so you get distressed. Anal penetreation is exactly the same, it won't hurt you. All you'll feel is preassure and when you relax he'll push through and into you. If you just wait for a little while in that position for you to get used to him being there, he can move quite comfortably and I swear to you you'll never have felt closer to another living soul.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2005-09-08 11:06:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Read this article
http://books.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=05/09/06/1615234#1
Quite interesting in the correlation between the rise of the internet and rise in communal perversion.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-08 10:55:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NO I'm scared it will hurt I don't like pain!!!! Maybe thats why it didn't work. Berty you had me growing quite happy girl lala there untill you mentioned the ass part. I love how some people have more than one line to add on the subject.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-09-08 10:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-09-08 09:55:15 (#)
Ranking: 0
Did we just have a subtle Merlina confession???
Where's the bloke to ask?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ha ha ha
I'd have said that about anything. You have to try everything once in life was what I meant..
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-08 10:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-08 09:46:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
No no no I jsut think the kinky bumholio sex isn't for this young aussie lass.
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I'm going to give you a mental image:
Imagine your man holding your naked body, his hands move up under your arms and start caressing your naked breasts. He kisses your neck and you can feel the warmth of his face agains the soft hairs on your neck. You reach back and stroke your hand down his naked flank and he responds by rubbing his fingers around your nipples.
You feel him growing, his erection rubbing slick against your inner thigh. His hands slide down your body to your hips, for a moment the warmth of his torso leaves your back and you feel him part your buttocks. He exhales as he places his penis at your opening and pushes gently. You tense up and there is resistance. He reaches forwards and takes your hands, guiding them to his warm thighes and then pushes into you. There is a noise and a sensation as if you are full of food, you tense up again and he moans softly, he pushes harder. There is pain. you feel the sweat on his skin, the terrible preassure upon you, the feeling in your insides. Suddenly you feel him passing into you, the muscles free up and you are together. The heat of his torso returns to your back, his warmth safely inside and he whispers his love in your ear.
Submitted by mbstateside (user info) at 2005-09-08 10:16:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Did he not warm you up with a finger or three first?
Poor poor man. It sounds like he had one chance to enjoy the pleasures your ass has to offer and he fucked it up (or more to the point he didn't). I've found most womens attitudes towards anal depend on the first time they try it. If it goes well great! If not they just chalk it up to somthing there not into.
I'm suffering from this at the moment. Just because some Cock went at her ass like the proverbial Bull in a china shop the one and only time she's had anal ,which was nearly 10 years ago I might add, the missis is adamant that anal is somthing that she just doesn't enjoy. I've tried telling her how differnt it is if you
A) warm it up
or
B) use lube.
But alas as yet my efforts have failed.
Still, I'll keep trying after all what is a man if he can't dream.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2005-09-08 10:11:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What the queer?
Submitted by XICOHTENCATL-NELLI (user info) at 2005-09-08 10:09:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Get high, try squirting,it's fun.
Also. It was a dark and stormy night is the most common literary cliche. You have what it takes to write for Coprophiliac Monthly.
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-09-08 09:55:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-09-08 08:28:38 (#)
Ranking: 0
Try again. With lube..
You might like it.
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Did we just have a subtle Merlina confession???
Where's the bloke to ask?
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-09-08 09:49:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SHAMELESS HUSSY!!!
JEZABEL!!
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-08 09:46:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No no no I jsut think the kinky bumholio sex isn't for this young aussie lass.
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-09-08 09:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Now be a good, dirty girl and smile like a doughnut.
Submitted by WhatTheHell (user info) at 2005-09-08 09:41:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WHORE!!
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-09-08 09:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm still a butt virgin giver but always willing to give it a shot
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-08 08:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your ring is a one of the most sensitive parts of your body (no, I donn't know why) so don't think you won't enjoy it. As long as the bloke is tender with you. Can't think why he wouldn't be, torn foreskin isn't fun.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-09-08 08:28:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Try again. With lube..
You might like it.
Submitted by Belimobile (user info) at 2005-09-08 08:19:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm an adventurous girl and up for most things but no no no.
My thinking: I am not a bloke, I have no G spot up there, ergo good for him, not good for me.
Heard it hurts like a bitch too, so hell no.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-09-08 08:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yep, lack of lube was the problem. Without it your bumholio will probably end up resembling a cup full of bolognese sauce.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-08 07:20:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Umm I think I've talked about my sexlife enough tonight, ;)
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-08 07:15:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post deserves a better rating.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-09-08 07:13:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
WHERE WAS THE MONEY SHOT?? I HAD MY COCK OUT AND EVERYTHING.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-08 07:03:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It might be the most pleasurable thing to ever happen to you, besides there's also the taboo busting nature of it all. It's incredible just how afraid of poo many people are.
I think you should post more stuff on your sexual encounters with you man, this was really good. Have you ever tried fisting?
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-08 07:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Or I could just forget about the anal sex thing......
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-08 06:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-08 06:38:55 (#)
Ranking: 0
actually no. Maybe that was the problem.
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Probably. Also you want to remember not to apply too much otherwise his member will just slip about and neither of you will get any sensation.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-08 06:38:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
actually no. Maybe that was the problem.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-08 06:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was a funny story.
Did you use lube?
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-08 06:31:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm just jealous.....
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-09-08 06:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.twinksforcash.com/s2/images/twfc-071-thumb_08.jpg
(NSFW - OBVIOUSLY)
Submitted by gabrielpm (user info) at 2005-09-08 06:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2, not because of the subject but because of the attitude. Don't be hating on the buttsecs!
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-09-08 06:12:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-09-08 05:44:58 (#)
Ranking: -1
If women had another hole we'd want to fuck it, too.
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this reminds me of the time I saw a photo of a chick getting her belly button fucked
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-09-08 06:11:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wasn't opposed against
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triple negatives give me a headache, that sentence was "wrong"
meanwhile, I'm checking my harddrive for pictures of gay guys fucking each other, most of them are just going in for doggy, maybe the fact they are wearing black socks helps in the insertion process (?)
I don't think you're missing much as the catcher anyway, none of the receivers I've observed seem to be erect, so obviously not enjoying themselves too much
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-09-08 05:55:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
best type of contraceptive around.
Submitted by theroo (user info) at 2005-09-08 05:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
One of my ex girlfriends would only take it up the arse :):)
God that was fun!
She loved it :)
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-09-08 05:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
If women had another hole we'd want to fuck it, too.