Don't kill yourself if you think I might attend the funeral. (2764 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.98 on 71 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2005-09-09 14:04:44 EDT
Disclaimer: In the past, I have often exaggerated aspects of a story to make it more interesting or entertaining. In the interest of portraying how fucking weird my life actually is, I present the following post as entirely true.
Sometime in the not too distant past...
<ring, ring>
"Hello?"
"Tinactin, it's your mother."
<conversation edited>
"Your uncle's funeral is on Thursday. I would like for you to be there."
This is where I hit a bit of a snag. I detest funerals. The dead people don't care who grieves for them. It's just a way for narcissists to assuage their guilt over a final conversation regarding laxatives. Personally, I have RSVP'd my corpse to miss my own funeral and attend coal mine entrances across the country, nailed to a pole and serving as a scarecrow for pesky canaries. (Why do we have to harm so many innocent canaries? It would be much more efficient to use the emphysema-stricken women with the throat holes. They're going to die anyway, right? Miners could shine a flashlight in her mouth and the resulting beam of light emanating from the hole would display all of the seedy particles in the air, like sunlight filtering through the cracks of a drawn window shade. Then again, I dislike birds. Carry on, coal miners.)
Well, it's kind of sudden, but I'll ask my boss for the day off."
"You work at home, son. He'll probably never know you're gone."
Fuck. She had me dead to rights. So I went.
I have been experiencing a bit of car trouble, so I had a friend take the 3 ½ hour car trip with me. We left on Thursday afternoon, stopping for lunch at a truck stop Mexican restaurant, because we all know how much truckers love Mexicans.
I had a taco salad. It's important to note this fact, because when I attempted to pick up the salad to make room for some tortillas on my plate, meat and sour cream were unleashed on my shirt and pants through a giant hole in the bottom of my tostada. This was a problem largely because I had two services to attend, the Thursday night viewing and Friday funeral, and only one set of funeral-appropriate clothing with me.
When I called my mom to inform her of my situation, she said that she had already bought me a suit, and there was no need to worry. But if I wanted the suit, I would have to be a pallbearer. Apparently she was afraid my alcoholic uncle, who had volunteered for that duty, would not show. I was tapped as his replacement. I'm not much for unnecessary effort, but I needed the suit, so I agreed.
I had my mother meet us at my hotel (probably the only one in this shithole town) with the suit. It was probably the worst fucking suit I had ever seen. There was some sort of family crest on the jacket, and the pants included incredibly small and tight pockets. Had I kept my keys n those pockets, people might have wondered if I had an intestinal hernia. I looked like the captain of a homo cruise ship. (In the interest of truth, I have never actually been on a homo cruise. That may have been a cheap shot at homosexuals, signaling some deep-seeded homophobia. Or maybe I just think cruise ship captains look fucking gay.)
After our quick stop at the hotel, we arrived at the "viewing". The viewing consisted of a bunch of us sitting around and looking at a closed casket. (I won't divulge the details of the manner in which my uncle died, but let's just say his head no longer exists). It got old pretty quickly. I didn't even know the guy very well. I've met him maybe five times. I can only imagine how bad it was for my friend. He decided to leave early and head back to the motel. I would get a ride from someone else. From here, our stories go in different directions.
While I had my head bent over in my lap, pretending to pray while I napped, my friend was pounding shots in the hotel bar with some menopausal marauder. (Anytime you run across a woman over 40 drinking alone, chances are she's fair game to whoever latches on to her first.) After a few hours of small talk and alcohol, she took him up to her room. You can imagine where it went from there.
Or maybe you can't. In her haste and haze, she had forgotten to close the door that adjoined her room to that of her son, and sure enough, halfway through intercourse, he stepped through that door. He was perfectly willing to continue, but she insisted that they stop (This brings up an issue. You know, ladies, it isn't easy for a guy to stop on a dime. I've never actually had to quit early in the middle of sex, but it seems like a sudden end to motion could result in a damaged back. The rule should be: two extra thrusts is slowing down, three extra thrusts is rape).
He got out of the bed and proceeded to the restroom with his clothes. Coming down with a harsh case of the blueballs, my friend decided to finish himself off before leaving. All went well until she crawled into the restroom a moment later. He had been dispersed over the toilet at that time, but now her head was buried in it.
At this point, he had two options. Zip up and risk the wrath of his testes, or finish up and leave things messy. He's not a very responsible person, and since you cant impregnate the back of a woman's head, he chose the latter. If only he had known that the boy would be wandering in a moment later to check on his vomiting mother. Caught masturbating over a nearly unconscious woman, he decided to call it a night.
Meanwhile, I had just returned from a family reception. He arrived a few minutes later and relayed to me the entire story. Never once did I suspect that the woman and her son might be my uncle's sister and nephew (he was an uncle by marriage).
I omitted an important fact earlier. My friend and I have a running joke between ourselves. Whenever I am required to give out unnecessary personal information, and I don't think I'll be sued for credit fraud, I replace my name and address with his. If you've ever received an email from me, you may have noticed that the heading does not read "Tinactin", but another name entirely. Eventually this trend extended to each of us using the other's name whenever one of us engages in activity that is potentially hilarious or humiliating.
As a result, the tale circulating around my uncle's relatives was that of a certain Tinactin defiling a certain middle-aged whore. Compounding the drama was the blame affixed to my aunt for the suicide (they were in the process of a divorce).
The funeral service itself went off without a hitch. I wish I could say the same for my pallbearer's duties.
When we were all called to the casket, an extra member of my uncle's side of the family walked up with us, as if he was going to jump right in and do his pallbearing freestyle. Maybe he was unaware of the fact that we were all chosen beforehand, but in any case, there were seven of us, and the casket only had six handles. Three of us reached for the same handle, and the extra guy and I came up empty. He and I both ran in opposite directions around the casket for the single remaining handle, like kids playing a game of musical chairs. This may seem childish to you, but I'll be damned if I have to wear a shitty suit and I don't get to touch a corpse container. Luckily I'm twenty-six and he's in his later thirties (actually, he may have beaten me if he didn't have to run the long way around). He had to gaze upon the sight of me with horror and shame, as I helped to carry the casket down the funeral home aisle. The casket was much heavier than I had imagined (Look, I don't mean to be insensitive, but I could have sworn the casket was weighted to be heavier on my end. What I'm wondering is, were the remains of the head scooped up and put in some sort of heavy container inside? Or were the remains not gathered at all, and my end seemed heavier because I was carrying the feet?), but it was not any kind of a problem until someone tripped me.
I stumbled and fell, the casket nearly tumbling down with me. A spring-loaded monkey popped up from the box, banging a giant pair of cymbals together (This never happened, but sometimes I can't help myself). Instead, while I lay on the ground, the extra pallbearer stepped right in, like he was a jury alternate, and they carried on without me.
Outside, I confronted the guy who tripped me, and in turn he made accusations of my taking advantage of his sweet aunt. It took me about five seconds to figure out what he was talking about, but I tried to play it off anyway.
"I don't know what you're talking about. It must have been some other Tinactin."
For some reason he was not buying it. We would have probably gone to blows if the woman's son had not walked out and cleared me as not being the guy. I took the opportunity to look around for my friend, but he was a fucking ghost. Naturally my family blamed me for ruining the funeral, and many of them are still annoyed.
If all of that isn't enough, I was at a music festival on Labor Day. A festival in which freaking Yoko Ono performed. Even worse, a hippie chick took a shit in a trash can about twenty feet away from me. As nasty as it was, I had to watch, because I don't see a woman taking a shit in public every day. I would say it happens no more than twice a week.
User Reviews
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-07-09 12:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is funny ha-ha.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-05-28 12:10:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-05-28 11:55:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what luck.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-05-11 17:05:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-19 10:28:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
man, that's some crazy shizzle
Submitted by cbear1856 (user info) at 2005-10-11 18:18:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
clap clap clap clap clap
bravo
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-10-11 17:58:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What can I say? This is actually fucking amazing in every way. It's GOOD. This is GOOD writing. GOOOOOOOD Uber, LISTEN TO ME. GOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDD.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-16 11:11:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Its What I do,
I make women look and feel beautiful.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-09-16 10:52:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reading this was like feeding a turd to an Ethiopian and seeing the look on his face as he finds out it's not a Mars bar.
Fucking hilarious.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-09-11 00:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When we were all called to the casket, an extra member of my uncle's side of the family walked up with us, as if he was going to jump right in and do his pallbearing freestyle.
------------------
I almost spit soda all over the computer screen when I read that.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-09-10 23:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason the idea of 'ruining a funeral" seems strange to me.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-09-10 16:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-09-10 15:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
By the way, if anyone wants to plagarize this for your website or blog, please remember to change any mention of the name "Tinactin" to your own
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-09-10 12:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-09-10 12:07:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-09-10 10:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear GOD, boy!
$10 says this makes B@W.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-09-09 23:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being older, and meaner than the average person here at Uber, I've been to quite a few funerals.
#1- Why the caskets are so very very heavy I'll never figure out
#2- I was tripped once and almost fell through the 3/8" plywood that was covering the hole.
#3- That warm flush of blood to your head, when it happens, is quite invigorating isn't it?
#4- Don't you just love watching the 'older' people who do Not want to get anywhere near
the hole for fear of being sucked in?
Great story by the way!
Submitted by A_D_Sweetmeat (user info) at 2005-09-09 21:31:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-09-09 20:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-09-09 20:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty fucked up. Pretty funny.
Submitted by Mister (user info) at 2005-09-09 20:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good god, man...
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-09-09 18:17:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-09-09 17:54:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Answer me on AIM dammit!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-09-09 17:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking right man!!
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-09-09 17:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-09-09 15:20:09 (#)
Ranking: 1
We ALL hate funerals, pal, but you have to do them for three main reasons.
2) You'll want people at YOUR funeral
__________________________________________________________________________________________
No I wont.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-09-09 17:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A point of clarification. The woman who was drinking at the hotel bar was not the widow. My aunt is the widow. The woman in question is actually my uncle's sister, and therefore not a blood relative of mine at all.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-09-09 16:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funniest post you've ever written
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2005-09-09 16:03:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Harharharhar, eggselent
Submitted by interchange (user info) at 2005-09-09 15:37:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The only time I was a pall bearer, the 3 biggest guys (myself include) naturally went to one side -- none of us realizing that, even with 6 people, caskets are FUCKINGHEAVYASHELLJESUSCHRISTWHATDID THEYEMBALMHERWITHLEAD? It was quite comical, in a funeral sort of way.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-09-09 15:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great post.
what happened to his head?
i love the switching names thing.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-09-09 15:25:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is outstanding.
When I get old and sick I'm going into the Michigan Upper Penninsula. I'm gonna Fred Bear it till the wolves get me. Fuck that funeral shit and expenses.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-09-09 15:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-09-09 15:20:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
We ALL hate funerals, pal, but you have to do them for three main reasons.
1) You have to pay your respects - there are family members who keep a mental check list of who's there and who's not and not being there can bite you when it comes to wills, estates, etc.
2) You'll want people at YOUR funeral
3) You'll be dressed up pretty suave and have a cahnce to pick up some random broad - she MIGHT be your distant cousin but what the hell - and she'd never even look at you if you weren't cleaned up and showing emotion.
Another tip from Shlongy
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-09 15:15:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Meh.
HAHAHAHA just kidding! B@W
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-09-09 15:10:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Overall superb, but the story's just not the story without the final line. You gotta have that final zing for it to be truly excellent.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-09-09 15:10:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is, how do you say--a fucking awesome post?
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2005-09-09 15:06:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-09 15:04:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:42:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
this is one of the funniest things i have ever read on this site.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-09-09 15:03:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-09-09 15:02:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Money shot in the hair +2
Submitted by lowrysm (user info) at 2005-09-09 15:01:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Real hippies don't shit. Ever.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:35:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to impregnate you...best fucking post ever.
-----------
I need to get in on some of this.
Pentameter, please check out my post from earlier. I could use a good impregnating.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:53:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THIS is a good post.
Kid boshed your aunt.
hahahah
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The widow wasn't at the viewing? Instead, she was at a bar getting drunk and doing a 20-something?
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is one of the funniest things i have ever read on this site.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:42:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:41:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The rule should be: two extra thrusts is slowing down, three extra thrusts is rape."
In that case, I think your dog has a legitimate case against me.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:41:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A spring-loaded monkey popped up from the box, banging a giant pair of cymbals together.
______________________
For all the serious and miserable situations I've been in, no exotic animals with giant percussion instruments have ever sieged me. Some people have all the bloody luck.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to impregnate you...best fucking post ever.
This is above B@W!
Submitted by rayrayshanaynay (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:35:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:14:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at: "Had I kept my keys n those pockets, people might have wondered if I had an intestinal hernia. I looked like the captain of a homo cruise ship.
Submitted by downerSTAIN (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:32:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Homer: Hey, Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing,
and we can't both win.
Flanders:
Actually, Simpson, we were praying that no one gets hurt.
Dead Putting Society
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:31:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nevermind my crafty attempt at doing a +6 WOW.
I should have forseen the interruption.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:30:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome post.
B@W.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:29:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:28:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
O
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
W
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:25:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fantastic. Best thing I've read on here all day.
Submitted by HZRD (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA! In the hair
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:18:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had my mother meet us at my hotel (probably the only one in this shithole town) with the suit. It was probably the worst fucking suit I had ever seen. There was some sort of family crest on the jacket, and the pants included incredibly small and tight pockets. Had I kept my keys n those pockets, people might have wondered if I had an intestinal hernia. I looked like the captain of a homo cruise ship. (In the interest of truth, I have never actually been on a homo cruise. That may have been a cheap shot at homosexuals, signaling some deep-seeded homophobia. Or maybe I just think cruise ship captains look fucking gay.)
-----------
And a total of +10 for this. Man, all of a sudden I had that captain from the Love Boat as an image.
You rock.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:18:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit, I'm no supervising technician. I'm a technical supervisor. It's
too late to teach this old dog new tricks.
-- Homer Simpson
Homer's Odyssey
And on that note... I'm gonna go play with lasers
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:16:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How about +8 for the widow fucking friend.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:16:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't have my wake-n-bake today, so my head is cloudy
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And again, because I'm extra-stupid
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:15:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MOTHERFUCKING SCROLLBALL!!!!!!
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:15:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh wait I did... now it's a +6
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like some of my mom's family's funerals.
I wish I could give this more than a +2.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:14:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You had me at: "Had I kept my keys n those pockets, people might have wondered if I had an intestinal hernia. I looked like the captain of a homo cruise ship. "
Great Fucking Post.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:13:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I found this oddly appropo...
Bart: I had a fight with Milhouse.
Homer: That four-eyes with the big nose? You don't need friends like
that.
Lisa: How Zen.
-- Homer Simpson
Homer Defined
Same goes for Daniel.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:13:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAHA <GASP> HAHAHAHA
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-09-09 14:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what I like about you? You're tough-actin'!