Fuckin' idiots. (485 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.2 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <wazron.at.buggerorf.net.au> (View user info) at 2005-09-12 07:43:00 EDT
Let's start at the beginning.
I live in a small country city by the name of Bendigo, in Victoria, Australia. For those Americans who haven't seen 'Full House down under', 'Crocodile Dundee' or 'Survivor: Outback', Australia is a small American principality gained when a bunch of slack-jawed yankee ploughboy mule-fuckers got lost here during WW2 and somehow ended up thinking that they saved us from the Japanese.
Anyway, I have lately come to notice that most of the people in this town are fuckin' idiots. And not just the 'pick a fight with the one percenter biker when his whole chapter are watching' idiots, but truly some of the most reprehensibly stupid people anywhere.
Case in point. About ten weeks ago there was a drunken traffic accident downtown on a Friday night. Nothing unusual there, binge drinking, drunken driving and projectile vomiting are the standard recreational pursuits in this yokel town on a Friday evening, and are normally enjoyed simultaneously. But this case has a twist.
The accident itself involved a car mounting a kerb, and striking a group of pedestrians, one of whom was thrown through the plate-glass window of the local Post Office. Turns out that you need a flashback to understand what went down....
Go back an hour or two to a line of drunken, inbred under-agers queueing to get into a nightclub so they can brag about how drunk they are to their equally idiotic cohorts in a genial atmosphere of cigarette smoke, vomit stench and rising damp. Imagine the rage that must have burned within the breast of Ms. X as she was turned away from what is called a 'nightclub' here (read: pub with a bad remodelling and 40% more on the drinks prices to pay for it). Yes, she was drunk. Pissed as a poet on payday. So it's, you know, like, so unfair to be turned away. Especially as all the other 17 year olds were allowed in with their wannabe-Lindsay Lohan/Eminem getups and the grass stains on the knees from having a quick root in the nearby botanical gardens. But I digress.
The bouncer is having none of Ms. X's lucid protestations and neither is he weakening in the face of offers of sex, reverse-auction style- "Oral, do I have a taker for oral? Oral, going once, going twice, okay, how about I go home with you at the end of your shift? End of shift, going once, going twice, okay, I'll let you do me up the arse. Anal, going once, going twice, what's the matter, don't you like girls? It's all right, let me in and I'll keep your secret". Mr. Crowd Controller obviously had no need for an attack of the crabs from a teenager, and directed Ms. X to seek entry at any one of Bendigo's other fine businesses. As she leaves, a tall blond imbecile boy in the crowd succumbs to the lure of an easy laugh and heckles her. From what I understand it was a scathing attack, totally unprovoked, and did irreparable damage to Ms. X's self-esteem. What was said was not as important as the fact that something was said. But I'll come to this later.
So Ms. X staggers away, seething and vowing a revenge so dire that even the old-testament God would cock an eyebrow and say "fuck, and I thought I was bad when I got into the tequila". So she jumps into her car and starts cruising around a few blocks. Please understand that driving around and around is also frequently confused with entertainment in the cultural edifice that is post-fin-de-siecle Bendigo. But I wander away from the main story.
Anyway, after 20 minutes of driving around, and around, and around, she spots a group of fellow fuckwits standing on the footpath outside the Post Office, which is opposite the entertainment facility whose crowd-control technician so rudely declined the offer of resistance-free insertion. Sure enough there is a mop or cornsilk-blonde hair on one of them. Somewhere, probably in the tiny brain in her rump which controls impulse management, single motherhood and filling out social security forms, a very dim light goes on and says "don't do it!". It is, of course, overridden by a booze-sodden primary brain sitting at the top of the spinal cord and screeching "Kill the fucker! You'll get away scot-free and everyone will say it was a blow for chick-power!".
She sees him. The jaw clenches, the eyes squint, and the upper lip pulls back in a feral snarl of aggression. She no longer controls the car- the car controls her. Her foot, unbidden, mashes the accelerator. The car picks up speed. The wheel turns, ever so slightly. Other bystanders, drunk, stoned and fending off middle-aged men out for some Dutch-style teeny action, hear the engine note and turn to watch the denouement of this drama. But as if it were some horrible cliche, time seems to stand still, and the only thing moving is Ms. X's car.
It mounts the 8-inch high square bluestone gutter, the front axle snapping as the nose of the car is thrown high in the air like the muzzle of a high-strung gelding. Just as quickly, the nose of the car dips like a bull going in low on a clumsy toreador as it crushes a chain-barrier designed to prevent such things. And on the rebound from that, it catches Mr. Aryan over the bonnet (breaking both collarbones, both thighbones, and a few ribs) and tosses him effortlessly through the plate-glass window of the post office nearby. Add massive gashes and blood loss to revenge's tally for the night. The poor bastard never even had a chance to register her shitty car as a threat before he was hoist like a gibbetted criminal.
Well, the good news is, Mr. Aryan survived after copious blood transfusions, and Ms. X was promptly caught by Police, whose station was 650 feet from the incident. Among the 31 things she was charged for were the following:
-Driving while unlicensed;
-Driving an unregistered car;
-Attempted murder (vehicular homicide);
-Driving under the influence;
-Driving occasioning actual bodily harm;
-and malicious damage.
Mr. Aryan was interviewed two days later when he woke up in hospital and was able to recall a large amount of what had transpired. Turns out he was a completely different guy to the one that had heckled our intrepid heroine, he just had the bad luck to have a similar hair colour and style.
The moral of this story, if there is one, is that people are fuckin' idiots, and the great shame is that not everyone who is killed or crippled deserves it. And not everyone who deserves to be beaten with a big plank of wood until they piss blood for a month gets that happen to them either.
And now, dear reader, I must away, for I must finalise the preparations for the defence, which starts next Monday. The bad news is that Ms. X won't be pissing blood any time soon. The worse news is that she's looking at two years with a fourteen month non-parole.
Fuckin' idiots.
User Reviews
Submitted by AlahAckbar (user info) at 2005-12-09 11:20:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I would have actually read this, but I got to the whole "slack jawed yanks" part and decided "you know what? Why read something and review it when he just insulted me?" so I decided to give you a -2.
So here you go, enjoy.
Submitted by wazron (user info) at 2005-09-12 19:50:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Suck some ass, you Aussie fuckup"
Well done Swampy, you're now able to insult at a third grade level. Top stuff, easily the best work you've ever done. Restrained, elegant and right to the point.
+2 for your contribution. Looking forward to your next Magnum Opus. And I think it's great that you and the other kids at your sheltered workshop get access to the 'net, just great.
Cheers,
waz
Submitted by CJRipley (user info) at 2005-09-12 14:39:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-09-12 14:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Decent story
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-09-12 14:18:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-09-12 10:40:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-09-12 09:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-09-12 08:26:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
... and you're the DEFENSE?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-09-12 08:21:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It would have been interesting, but your writing is a little dull. Cut the first few paragraphs out also. they're unneccessary.
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-09-12 08:18:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Suck some ass, you Aussie fuckup.
Check this out: http://www.ubersite.com/m/74963
Submitted by wazron (user info) at 2005-09-12 08:12:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Swamp Donkey:
My first one was an accidental entry.
Having just browsed through the treasure trove of wit and intellect that comprises your contribution to Uber, I'm not surprised you failed to understand this post.
This would also explain the -2 you gave the post, given that children with 'special needs' may be emotionally unable to cope with being unable to read and/or comprehend adult-level writing or sophisticated concepts.
Best of luck in your future creative endeavours, I hear that finger painting is making a real comeback on the art scene.
Cheers,
waz
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-12 07:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That'll teach that blonde idiot to have gay hair.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-09-12 07:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
really good
Submitted by swamp_donkey (user info) at 2005-09-12 07:53:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Your first one was better.