Taking a shit during a firefight, can anything be more satisfying? (754 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.17 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TheRef (View user info) at 2005-09-12 16:11:55 EDT
Greeting: TheRef, Squadron acronym, USAF
Purpose: Describe the joy of taking a shit during a firefight
BumFuck Holland, 2102hrs (830 pm for you civilian folks). I am out in holland right now as i write this. I am not enjoying a rather sinful trip in amsterdam or celebrating Queen's Day in Rotterdam. No, I am in A tent exercising with my unit. We are preparing to go to war in a middle east theatre by practicing in holland.(wtf?)
At any rate, as with any military exercise, the food of choice is MREs. I actually shouldn't say "food of choice" because its more like the only food you have to eat. For those who have tasted some of the varitable delcacies offered within the confines of brown plasic bags, you know where the next part is heading. For those who haven't had an MRE, its kinda like visiting another culture and eating foods your body ain't never had before.
You have to shit.
Not just regular shit. This food causes the leg raising, constipated anger shit that that leaves you limping afterwards. In other words, a satisfying shit.
So what does this have to do with shitting during a firefight?
As mentioned before, I am exploring small field in holland playing war. Currently I am considered a non-player. This means i have the freedom to roam wherever i want, anytime i want. The only place i was concerned with roaming to though was the shitter.
It was approaching the demarcation of dusk into night when i made my trip to the port-o-let. In that light i couldn't see the OP-FOR (opposing force, guys in my squadron who dress like mullahs and shoot people they work with) approaching the fence line. The same fence line the shitter was by. The same fence line being watched over with by a .60 cal gunner.
Enter the shitter
unbuckle utility belt. unbutton bdu pants. drop pants to floor
Take toilet paper and clean off seat.
Take more toilet paper and make a new seat to sit on.
religion
proceed with the shitting
sweet toe curling bliss
It was in this euphoria that i was re-awakened quite rudely to the realities of my situation. The 60 gunner finally noticed the guys approaching and opened up. Did i mention that the .60 is one of the loudest guns in the world? No? Well it is.
Along with the opening shots of the battle, one of the roving patrols decided to take cover against my toilet, effectively trapping me. Good thing I hadn't planned on going anywher for awhile.
So now i have a 60 on one side, M-16s on the front, and an assortment of OP-FOR guns blazing their way into the night. It got so bad that i couldn't smell my shit, or any other shit in the toilet, over the gunsmoke.
All i needed was a beer and a steak
All this firing was not for show. The best part came when someone's laser gear would get "hit" and declare the person dead in a blaring beeping tone. The person had about 5 seconds to prove their oscar worth by acting out the most gruesome death throes. It gets even better when someone is "wounded" and has to play the screaming agony role until help arrives or the scenario is terminated .
Screaming + Shooting + Shitting = Satisfaction guaranteed
Conclusion: Taking a shit is already a relaxing, pleasurable thing to do. But taking a shit under fire is second to none!
User Reviews
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-09-12 22:51:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've had MREs that were older than me at my age (I got them from an army surplus store), and I've had the newer ones that they sold to civilians for the dreaded Y2K, and somehow I never had a problem. Then again, this might be due to the fact that I never touched the entrees. The entrees look pre-digested, and are appetizing neither hot nor cold. So I can only imagine the shit this produced for you.
I imagine it's one of those ones that are solid without a doubt, but have a revolting, slimy coating. It feels nice expelling them as it happens, but that satisfaction evaporates when you wipe your ass raw trying to get rid of the sludge, and you wind up walking like you're trying to unstick a wedgie.
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2005-09-12 22:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
He means a lot of things that would lead you to believe that this was writen by someone who has never held a weapon.
Submitted by horse87 (user info) at 2005-09-12 22:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh...
I think he means the M60, not a .60 caliber.
'Sixty' is just their shorthand for it.
(Mind you, now that I think about it, a .60 caliber GPMG would be pretty impressive..)
http://www.inetres.com/gp/military/infantry/mg/M60.html
Submitted by shadowofthedivine (user info) at 2005-09-12 21:36:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
what gun uses 60 cal?
Submitted by senor_tusky (user info) at 2005-09-12 18:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The Air Force gets TP in their port-a-shitters? Lucky bastards...
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2005-09-12 17:07:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-09-12 16:57:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
Only the United States Air Force would have a fuckin' port-a-john at a field exercise. The realism of their war-games is staggering.
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And you guys use .60 caliber? why not go with the classic .50 caliber?!?
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-09-12 16:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Only the United States Air Force would have a fuckin' port-a-john at a field exercise. The realism of their war-games is staggering.
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2005-09-12 16:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
.60 cal???? -2 Jackhole
Fucking Air Force
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-12 16:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
satisfactory
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-12 16:48:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Shit.
And the post was good too.
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2005-09-12 16:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
combat shit = auto +2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-09-12 16:31:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here, have another. . .
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2005-09-12 16:31:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-09-12 16:16:24 (#)
Ranking: -2
RIGHT!! 2102 hrs is 9:02 PM, bozo. Sheesh!
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-2 for that?! idiot...
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-09-12 16:30:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TheRef (user info) at 2005-09-12 16:22:03 (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry about the time mishap. I guess a euphoric shit fries your brain.
__________________________________________________________________
"Euphoric shit" redeemed you!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-09-12 16:30:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you allowed to take your weapon or sensitive items into the shitter? We had a kid in basic that somehow managed to drop his gas mask into the goulash down below. They didn't DX it for him either, they made him clean it up and wear it.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2005-09-12 16:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Can anything be more satisfying?
I don't know...getting a blumpkin during a firefight perhaps?
Submitted by TheRef (user info) at 2005-09-12 16:22:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry about the time mishap. I guess a euphoric shit fries your brain.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2005-09-12 16:16:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
RIGHT!! 2102 hrs is 9:02 PM, bozo. Sheesh!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-09-12 16:15:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like it very much
Submitted by Kindred (user info) at 2005-09-12 16:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if this is just as satisfying as shitting while fighting fire.