The "Unappreciative Little Fucks" Movie Review (1810 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:humour
Rating: 1.97 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-09-13 10:12:20 EDT
This evening, for educational purposes - my own, mainly - I took my nieces and my son to see "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." Quite apart from being a potential MasterCard commercial (Tickets: $40. Popcorn and soft drinks: $25. Playing the arcade games in the Lobby: $30. The gratitude of three children under 10: Never going to fucking happen. Fuck 'em. They'd be just as happy if you put them in a cardboard box and beat it with a stick.) I learned a lot of things I didn't know before.
The original idea (that arrived halfway through the movie, when I turned my head to see the three of them staring enraptured at the screen where a little girl was being shoved by rabid squirrels into a garbage chute) was to ask them about the movie afterwards and write their opinions here. Kind of a Killer Rugrat From Hell movie review. Kids' movie, kids' opinions; taste the synchronicity, right? (Here, by the way, is where one of the geniuses among us takes to google and finds - gasp - that SOMEONE ELSE HAS ALREADY DONE IT. No shit; just because I've never seen it doesn't mean it's never been done. Aware of that. Move on now, okay?)
Here are your critics:
Seth, 8yrs. Bright, loud, wants to be "one of those scientists who finds out why stuff does stuff" when he grows up. His favorite movie is whatever came out on DVD this week. Attention span of a concussed gnat. Is most amused by death threats from his mother.
Michelle, 7yrs. Quiet, polite, wants to be a dancer. Her favorite movie is "The Little Mermaid". Can hold a grudge like a Sicilian. Is usually the mastermind behind anything her sister ever does wrong. Will never get caught at it.
Grace, 6yrs. Michelle's sister and patsy and fall guy. Fast, loud, bright, loud, hyper, loud. Her favorite movie is this video she has with three episodes of Jim Henson's "The Storyteller". Tells strangers "Fairy Tales" about a little girl who got lost and eaten by a bad man. Adores her Aunty Lynda with mindless devotion.
Aunty Lynda, aka Mum, 26yrs. The one with the money who buys the tickets and ice cream and starts to cry softly in the car on the way home because nobody will shut the fuck up for five seconds.
After the movie we go for ice cream. This interview takes place in Baskin-Robbins.
_________
--So what did you guys think of the movie?--
Michelle: Good.
Seth: Good.
Grace: (tears in her eyes) It was so sad when all the little kids died - (tears dry up miraculously) - but happy when they weren't dead anymore, hey?!?!?
Michelle rolls her eyes at Seth and he snickers. Grace doesn't notice.
--What was your favorite part?--
Seth: The girl going into the rubbish and when they said it was only lit on Tuesdays and the man said "Today is Tuesday" and then I realized that today IS Tuesday and I was thinking "Whoa, that's fully wick."[Sic]
Michelle: I thought that too.
Grace: The popcorn.
--Grace, that was your favorite thing about going to the movies - what was your favorite part of the movie itself?--
Grace: (thinking hard, speaking carefully) Eating... the... popcorn?
--Right. Did you guys like the original movie, this movie, or the book better?--
Michelle: There's a book?
Seth: The book was good, but this had music.
Grace: The man was much prettier in this one.
Yes. Yes he was. He's a very pretty piece of manflesh....
(Five minutes or so of conversation are lost here while the author was distracted.)
--Would you classify this movie as a comedy?--
Seth: Yes. Like that fat kid getting sucked up the tube like poop up a snake's bum, that was funny.
--Poop doesn't go up - okay, stop laughing - the word poop is not - Grace, get back in your chair - okay forget it. Michelle, did you think the movie was funny?--
Michelle: It was funniest when that lady wanted to go on a date with Willy Wonka and he was scared of her. Did she have a disease? Was that why he was scared? Because of her disease?
--I've seen men scared of small children, love. Grace, no, don't growl at the nice man! I'm sorry, she's had a lot of sugar.--
Seth: What do snakes poop out of?
--Their.... uh... you know... bums.--
Seth: where are their bums?
--Near the tail--
Seth: But snakes are all tail, really, right after their heads, hey, do they have poopholes on their heads?
--We're going. Get in the car.--
__________
So the idea was a bust. Notes to remember:
Children make for shithouse movie critics.
It's impossible to win anything on those skilltester machines unless you're under fifteen.
Popcorn itches when it's deliberately dropped (on a dare, apparently - "I'm sorry Aunty Lynda, Michelle said you'd think it was funny") into your cleavage.
Seven year old girls need to go to the bathroom three times during a movie.
After an hour, the portly gentleman in front of you begins to smell like he's dead.
Poking the portly gentleman in the back to ascertain presence of vital signs will not go over well.
When a six year old looks at you, mouthing something obviously important, do not gesture for her to lean close to you to repeat what she's saying. What she's saying is "I spilled my Pepsi", but that's redundant because you can feel it spreading from her shirt onto your left boob and all down your arm.
gis for "Johnny Depp is hot"
User Reviews
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-12-14 11:28:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seth sounds very bright.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-12-14 11:19:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-28 13:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
After an hour, the portly gentleman in front of you begins to smell like he's dead.
Poking the portly gentleman in the back to ascertain presence of vital signs will not go over well.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-10-19 03:45:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are a solid four pages of +2 streaks with 30 or more reviews. That is stupid. I am weeding it all out by giving every one of them a +1; that way posts that have 1.99 with 200+ reviews gets best ever.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:11:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The laughter, ow, the painful laughter!!!
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-09-29 14:12:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For some mysterious reason, I just heard "Part time lover" from Stevie Wonder, the grammar was so bad, and the pronouns were so confusing, you were the first person that came to mind.
"Circe would shit herself, if she heard this" was my first thought.
Sad, I know.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-20 09:06:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-09-20 08:49:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2005-09-18 09:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-09-13 16:47:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'm the only person on this planet who hasn't yet seen the movie...
i haven't.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-09-17 05:27:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Children make for shithouse movie critics.
Wow. That is all
The Bang has been amazed
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-09-15 19:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah!
And I finally finished it.. very good Circe. I can't wait to take my munchkin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-13 16:34:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
well, this should make you happy - Jonny Depp is going to do two more Pirates of the Caribbean movies.
Apparently, Cap'n Jack is his favourite character ever to play, so he wants to do more - movies are to be out in 2006 & 2007.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-09-15 19:46:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've started to read this three times now....well, make that four. I'm going to rate it now in case I don't finish it again..
Mmmmmm......beautiful brooding there....mmmmmmmmmm Now I need some chocolate.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-09-14 13:37:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-09-14 10:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-09-13 22:29:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still haven't seen the movie either.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-09-13 18:55:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 circe
Dates fot Ubercon Greenville, SC '05-'06 are up!!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/75040
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-09-13 16:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'm the only person on this planet who hasn't yet seen the movie...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-13 16:34:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well, this should make you happy - Jonny Depp is going to do two more Pirates of the Caribbean movies.
Apparently, Cap'n Jack is his favourite character ever to play, so he wants to do more - movies are to be out in 2006 & 2007.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-09-13 15:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I took my niece to see that movie. I thought it was fucking creepy.
Submitted by FWFIV (user info) at 2005-09-13 14:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny as always
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-09-13 13:31:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, this was just great.
I can't wait to take my nephew to the movies.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-09-13 13:07:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome.
Johnny Depp is indeed amazing.
I did something similar myself a few years ago when my parents left me in charge of my younger siblings for a weekend. I figured taking them to a movie was a good way to keep them from burning our house down. After about $200, I decided it was one of the dumbest things I had ever done. Three people asked us to leave, and one of them said they were going to call Social Services because I smacked my brother in the back of the head.
Fucking kids.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-09-13 13:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:14:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
nobody gives a shit about you or your kids, so shut the fuck up
----------------------
Somebody forgot to take their Midol today.
Good post Lyn. Kids rule.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-13 12:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think the original film is loads better.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-13 12:02:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know, I stayed up half of last night thinking that one up. It's the main reason I'm so tired right now. I may actually get home in time to catch you on MSN tonight.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-13 11:54:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-13 11:42:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:14:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
nobody gives a shit about you or your kids, so shut the fuck up
-------------
Is he in love with you or just an asshole?
__________
He doesn't like me at all, for perfectly valid and sensible reasons that I'm sure will be disclosed in the fullness of time. Don't rush him, he's a very busy and important young man.
Berty - I can't argue with "sandblasted the Depster in the eyes". I want to but I can't. It's perfect.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-13 11:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:14:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
nobody gives a shit about you or your kids, so shut the fuck up
-------------
Is he in love with you or just an asshole?
Submitted by Chazzy (user info) at 2005-09-13 11:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus feckin 2
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2005-09-13 11:36:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that movie kicked ass...but that is usual for virtually any film Depp is in. He is a DeNiro-Duvall- Nicholson caliber actor to me. I enjoyed the brief bio of willie wonka something that the original lacked
I prefer the company of children as opposed to adults... probably because i am an immature manchild
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-13 11:22:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He looks disheveled and tired, rather like he's on a beech with an incompetent photographer who's just set up a fan on him to make his hair flow about and thus sandblasted 'The Depster' in the eyes.
His wardrobe is proper dodgy as well. I look better than that mess and I've only had 5 hours sleep.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-13 11:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Berty - breathe... he doesn't look THAT bad, you know... oddly vulnerable, human, approachable, with a look on his face that says "I have a big dick"....
Shut up.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-09-13 11:03:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i can't wait to use the word synchronicity in a sentence today.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously though, what was the thinking that went in to that one? I mean surely there would have been some kind of editor involved, you can't go around giving photographers carte blance to do whatever they want (jumped up little savages that they are). So at least two people, probably more, sat down and said: "That's the one, this one here where he looks like some bastard has just told him his puppy's got cancer whilst he's suffering a hayfever attack."
Just what the hell where they trying to achieve?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:51:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, I cried and then I looked at the picture of Mr. Depp. I have to say, that is a terrible picture of 'Deppy'. His skin is all freckly and his eyes are caught at a most unattractive angle, really you've got to ask yourself what the photographer was thinking when he kept the shot. Makes you wonder about how bad the others where as well.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:47:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:44:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Attention span of a concussed gnat."
------------------------------
When I first read that I saw "Attention span of a concussed goat".
It had me puzzling for half a second.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Attention span of a concussed gnat."
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:36:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment Necessary
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:33:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here, let me get that popcorn for you...
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:31:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woooo! Cleavage corn!
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:27:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nath it is:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72046
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:27:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:21:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Permission to linkwhore?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just do it anyway pussy
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kids are the funniest beings on earth.
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good. Now all I need are some reviews for those cheep porn parodies, like "Two Dicks for Sister Sarah" and "Hot Gun." I got a sack of Charleston Chews if the kids demand payment.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:25:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not your best stuff, but still better than the majority of crap on here.
Also, who dropped the sand in Professorfuckface's giney?
There is alotta hate in that sheboy.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:24:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thorpe - mine too. It's like a game "If I post THIS will he A) call me a whore, or B) tell me to shut the fuck up?" If I win the bet with myself I have to make me coffee.
Nath - I think it's Nath.. it's Nath, right? Linkwhore away.
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So true......
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Permission to linkwhore?
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:21:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The first thing I do for a Circe post is to scroll down and refresh it a few times until squattail has reviewed it.
It makes my day.
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<chuckle>
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:17:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a funny idea. Also, in regards to "They'd be just as happy if you put them in a cardboard box and beat it with a stick," I can totally see you doing that.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:14:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. Jerry Seinfeld said that kids are like little drunk people. How fucking true.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-09-13 10:14:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nobody gives a shit about you or your kids, so shut the fuck up