Neurotic Noir: Part 1 (1236 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 2 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RyuFu (View user info) at 2005-09-13 15:26:21 EDT
Okay, this is what I know so far: I shot a guy.
In the face.
Point-fucking-blank.
I'm pretty much a stranger to most forms of physical violence, having grown up in a white upper middle class neighborhood--but I'll save that part of the story until later. For now, just take my word for it that I had NO idea what type of gun I was holding, save that it was quite a large pistol and that it looked like a prop from an old western.
But there I was.
The dude's face, it was...I guess it appeared kind of waxy. I don't know what drugs he must have done--I'm telling you, I'm pretty fucking straight-edge--but he was just standing there with blood pouring out of his nostrils over his stretchy gray lips. Small bubbles of foam were leaking out of the corners of his mouth. And he was looking at me. I don't know how, but he was looking at me. No--looking THROUGH me. Which was creepy, considering the pearly look his eyes had developed thanks to his cataracts.
I cocked back the...the hammer?
Whatever that back part of this enormous handgun relic is, I pulled it back. You know, if there was the slightest bit of noise, you wouldn't have noticed what I was about to do if you weren't watching. But in that perfect silence, in that beautiful half-darkness of the alley behind the famed restaurant, that hammer produced a click that could have passed for the forthcoming gunshot. I wasn't the only one that noticed this--that blind son of a bitch woke up like someone splashed him with ice water and ran his head into my stomach. My breath escaped my body. He must have played football in school; his form was fucking perfect. He slammed me into the the dumpster, on which I hit my head.
I could neither breathe nor see.
Actually I could see, only too well. Each eye decided to decipher the scarce light in the alley separately. At least, that was the prevailing thought in my head at the time. Fucking idiot I am, I was trying to prepare a mental Wikipedia article on double vision while I should have been focusing on the motherfucker that tackled me. He was searching the ground for my--
I lost my gun.
If my ribs didn't feel like they were shattered, I would have easily retrieved my gun. As it turned out, I lay on the ground like an invalid, looking at two similar shapes crawling around, feeling for something. All I could do in that situation was pray that a rat came out and bit his ankle as he tried to shoot me. Or maybe a Ninja Turtle would come out from the sewer and slice him up. Any help, no matter how ridiculous or cliché, would have been appreciated.
I saw him grab the gun.
I was able to start breathing again, barely. Too late. I made just enough noise getting to my feet to give him a good ballpark target for my midsection. Or my head.
That's when Donatello smacked the gun out of his hands and Raphael impaled him on his sai.
No, actually that did not occur. But it was on my mind. There was actually quite the potpourri of ludicrous images in my head in a moment when I should have been scared to...death. The cartoons soon dissipated and my first girlfriend walked past me in all her prepubescent glory, just as I remembered her when she broke up with me.
I was out of my fucking mind.
I watched in awe as ex-girlfriends, old friends, dead relatives, should-be-dead relatives, old college professors and nearly every other memory I ever had walked by. THIS was my life flashing before my eyes? What the fuck kind of lame shit is that? Why couldn't I remember that night in Vegas? Why...why the fuck was I not paying attention to this motherfucker with the gun pointed at me? Holy shit!
I closed my eyes, envisioning how unattractive I would be to the female coroners.
I opened my eyes just in time to catch a glimpse of the blind bitch slipping on a mixture of grime and my blood. Not quite the dramatic rescue I would have preferred, but I really wasn't in a position to choose. I slipped slightly as I dashed for the gun, but I maintained my balance somehow. After reaching for it three times, I grabbed it and re-cocked it. Is "cock" really an appropriate term for that? No matter.
I pointed down and aimed between his eyes.
The trigger felt oddly heavy, like it was stuck. But it wasn't. I knew it wasn't. With a quick renewal of determination and a 3-count, I made the trigger light again.
I could see the bullet in slow motion.
I could. Honest. Maybe my eyes were overcompensating for the double-vision, or maybe I just imagined it, but the voyage of the bullet through that fucker's head was a 30-second slow-motion thrill ride. The first 5 seconds were blurred by the smoke from the gun. The next 15 had that long, thin missile streaking right for that central spot. It looked so smooth I wanted to touch it. But it was probably pretty hot. Before I knew it, the metal pierced his skin, but no blood came out.
I made a hole in his head.
A red circle of blood begin spreadin around his head, like a liquid afro. It was kind of silly, actually. Was blood really that brown? Nah, probably just the glow of the green neon lights down the street. Whatever.
I walked away from the lifeless body.
I kept the gun, but unloaded the bullets first, lest I shoot myself in the balls. Who the hell was that blind guy, anyway? What did he want with me? I'm just a...a guy. I'm just a normal...I think I'm normal. Just a normal guy with a gun, right? An enormous cowboy gun. Why did I shoot him, anyway? Well, it's obvious I felt some hatred for him. Why, though? Wait a minute, where am I? Who...aw, shit.
I can't remember who I am.
User Reviews
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-08-16 17:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just started reading this, based on what I read in part 15. Better late than never.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:49:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Righteous.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-03-23 09:34:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
18 reviews? Damn, this deserved more than that.
Submitted by Ditka (user info) at 2005-12-27 23:13:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-09-30 05:45:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Next...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-09-26 16:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-09-23 21:18:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-09-14 16:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good. Really held my attention. Some of your wording I would have done differently, but then again I write some weird shit. Anyhow, on to part 2...
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-09-14 08:47:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-14 06:55:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
...No sex though.
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Yikes...can I spank one out on occasion at least?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-14 06:55:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are so good at this writing malarchy.
People like you shouldn't have to get jobs and work, rather they should be fed and clothed by others and surrounded by others of like minded nature so that your awesomeness can feed of one another. You should be safe and secure whilst never having to worry about anything else but your creativity.
No sex though.
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2005-09-14 01:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-09-13 22:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-09-13 21:46:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A shot rang out across the land,
the horse rode on, the rider was dead.
JOhnny Cash.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-09-13 18:32:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dates fot Ubercon Greenville, SC '05-'06 are up!!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/75040
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2005-09-13 18:25:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-09-13 16:45:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm giving you a plus 2 for creativity but there was just something about the tone and the vernacular in the piece that detracted from the story itself for me. I can't quite put my finger on it but there was something missing or something there that didn't need to be. Hmmm. I don't know.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-09-13 16:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I closed my eyes, envisioning how unattractive I would be to the female coroners."
---------
Dude you don't have to worry. If I was a female coroner I would find you attractive.
I mean
Errrr
You Know...
This was Good
and I apologise for saying you looked like the guy in the minivan.
-Dave
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-09-13 16:00:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, Howard. I remember I was pretty sad when he was no longer president or CEO or whatever of Nintendo USA. Nestor was not quite as cool by himself.
What an odd tangent of a response conversation for this kind of post..
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-09-13 15:49:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never played it either, also having head about it from the (likely) same issue of Nintendo Power. Remember the Howard and Nestor comics? Then it just turned into being all about Nestor?
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-09-13 15:37:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, I remember that game...I don't think I actually played it, but I remembered reading about it in Nintendo Power. Ahh, old literature...
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-09-13 15:33:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love noir. This reminded me to Deja Vu for the original 8-bit Nintendo. It was a game in which you were playing a P.I. who was framed for a crime he didn't commit. He woke up in a toilet. Reminds me of most of my Sunday mornings, come to think of it.