Reflection on an Old Post - 3 Months Later + Small Update (577 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.62 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by podium (View user info) at 2005-09-14 23:34:33 EDT
Author's note: This was written on April 10th 2005, about three months later after I wrote a rather personal post about myself (http://www.ubersite.com/m/58018).
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Well, it's been a few months since I put my life out into the open and finally discussed my weight struggle with people. I have yet to actually talk to someone openly, but mentioning it on the internet is definitely a start.
Please read this before you continue so you know what I'm writing about: (http://www.ubersite.com/m/58018)
A few bad times have happened since then with my drinking. There are days when I think my drinking is ruining my life, and early last March was one of them. I was judging a University tournament and there was a hotel party afterwards. I went to the party, and was feeling uncomfortable about myself so I started drinking pretty heavily to make acquaintances. Apparently while I was drinking I later found out I said some very horrible things to some people and no doubt, burned many bridges.
There was another aspect...I got very violent with a security officer in the hotel. This was after he caught me throwing up in the elevator and disobeying the city's stupid smoking by-law. I just remember over and over saying to him while he was bothering me that I didn't do anything fucking wrong, then a scuffle ensued.
I woke up with a busted kneecap and a battered hand, taste of vomit in my mouth and reeking like an ashtray. When I went back to the university, it was awful. People were giving me many dirty looks for the comments I made and I remember two people were standing in line, facing each other and I walked behind them to stand in line, one shot me a dirty look and deliberately turned their back to me. At that point I just got fed up and walked out.
I then isolated myself from that group and stuck with my high-school friends and was feeling pretty good until last Saturday when the same event occurred except in a different location and with different people. One of my high school friends wanted me to meet his new college buddies, so I went to a party in their apartment. After going deep into the alcohol I started chain-smoking in one room (where it was allowed) and got blamed the next morning when apparently all the ashes spilt on the ground were a pain in the ass to clean up. This friend from high school also mentioned how all those guys can't stand me, but I don't know if he's exaggerating a little or it's the truth. The guy's girlfriend forgave me and I know I got along well with two of the other guys, but that's not the point. The point is that the drinking made me into whatever kind of asshole I decided to become that night, and apparently the persona I decided to take on was that of a chain-smoking racist.
Now all of a sudden these days it seems I'm the bad guy. I reached my peak in October and then started my slow descent into hell.
I've also come to a very harsh realization...I can't blame anyone else for my problems except me. I was raised in a good home, was given a nice middle-class life and other than my obesity in my high school days I didn't really have any problems. I tried to tell my best friend one time when I was really upset that it was his fault he turned me to alcohol. I told him he fucked up. He turned around and said 'No, YOU fucked up. I didn't ram the booze down your mouth and I didn't even pressure you into it. You don't need someone to fuck up your life, you'll do just fine all by yourself.'
I'm very luckily to have this guy as my friend. This is the one guy in the world who no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter how much I fuck up he'll always accept me for the fucked up person I am. He's helped me through the tough times and celebrated with me through the good times. I know if I have a problem I can always talk to him.
One reviewer on the post where I confessed my weight problems said something very telling and very true in my case:
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Submitted by sheherezade (user info) at 2005-01-29 00:17:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
I can sympathize.
Some people have a void in their life that they try to fill, and they don't know what it is that's missing. Unfortunately, we may try to fill that void with things that are detrimental to our health, because they temporarily numb the pain of that cavity. Food, Alcohol, tobacco, drugs, right? I've done all but the drugs.
I guess the solution would be to determine that one thing that is missing and fill the void with it- and it is certainly a different need for every individual. At the very least, maybe we could find a substitute that was *less* harmful to the body, like workaholism.
Good luck to you.
I'm happy to say that I finally realized what kind of void I've been trying to fill my entire life. Early Monday morning it came to me. What's missing in my life is adventure. Ever since I was a little kid I never aspired to be academically successful or a lawyer, or Prime Minister, or anything nice like that. I always wanted to be a bank robber or a crook of some sort. Shooting people and the rush of stealing things has always been my true definition of adventure.
Will I conquer my morals and pursue it? Maybe some day I will. Maybe I'll find a way to fill that void of adventure by doing positive risks, like mountain climbing or an extreme sport of some sort. But for now, I know smoking and drinking on a regular basis was barely satisfying my thirst for adventure.
I've quit smoking. Unfortunately as a means of quitting I've resorted to Skoal. I kind of like it, I can enjoy all that flavour without having to worry about the stupid smoking laws.
I have cut back on the drinking, I've only had two beers, a glass of wine and a little tiny bit of scotch since that night. I haven't even so much as taken a drag off a smoke.
After exams I'm going to sit out in my backyard on a nice sunny day with a book, a fine cigar and Jack Daniel's. That's as adventurous as it's going to get for now. Other than riding my bicycle. Maybe some day I will have completely filled that void, but at least I've taken the first step in realizing what it is.
So sheherezade, you may never read this...but if you do...thanks. Your words have made a difference in my life.
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Well, it's now September and I'm back in University. All I can say is I appreciate life a lot more and I realize that things are not as bad as I make them out to be and at times I am overly critical of myself.
I never did regain any friends from that horrible party in March where I got wasted as I decided to hide in my shell, however my high school friends for whatever reason did take me back.
I realized the only reason I was such an ugly drunk at those two parties was that I didn't know how to cope with stress. I only got drunk once the entire summer and apparently I didn't do anything mean, beligerent or downright idiotic. I also worked all summer so now I have more of an appreciation for my studies and, although I might be young, I think I can begin to comprehend the value of a good education.
Thanks for reading, it feels really good to get all this out so I can finally leave it behind.
User Reviews
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2005-09-26 20:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/75808
+2s indeed.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-15 15:51:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked your story.
Submitted by miss_tila (user info) at 2005-09-15 11:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My story is much the same as yours, only I'm a woman.
Good luck with all. Try and stay away from that skoal!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-15 05:13:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Touching story, I liked this line in the comments:
"start on a clean slate and be a person who I have become to think of as the real me."
I was going to say something but it's gone. Maybe I'll come back to this one.
Submitted by Cappycapdiva (user info) at 2005-09-15 03:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First of all, I'd like to tell you that telling your story on line isn't easier than telling your friends and family. They might spare your feelings 'cause they love you, cyber buddies won't. It took guts to get out here and tell it.
I had much the same blubber to beauty story you relate (seems there are a lot of us out there). I got sexy, slutty, drunken and down right abusive while trying to figure out who the real me is. Some of the abusiveness had to do with my perception of how "beautiful" people act; I treated others the way I felt they had been treating me when I was fat, especially guys. I didn't discriminate on any basis, though, I treated everyone like dogshit.
Part of what helped me out of my downward spiral was moving far, far away from all the old friends and expectations of who and what I am. At that point, I got to start on a clean slate and be a person who I have become to think of as the real me. You may not have to move to do it, but you do have to change others' perceptions of you. I'm not that strong, I'm afraid. The other thing that helped me was growing up. You seem to be doing that just fine.
The fat guy is always going to be with you; other people loved him you have to do that too, 'cause he's gonna jump up at you in the mirror every so often to say "hi" and if you fear him he will repossess you with a vengeance. But that is a story for another day.
Submitted by DooZa (user info) at 2005-09-15 02:59:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Theres only one person who can determine what you do, and thats you.
I myself was a fatboy in highschool, and turned to making fun of myself as a means to get by.. I know what youre talking about.
I did the usual binge drinking, but never persued it as a hobby, because I know there is so much alcoholism in my family. So what did I do, I turned to weed, and smoked it every day for 3 years. Towards the end, all I wanted, was to stop, and get clean.. but I felt that I couldnt, because without weed, Id lose my personality. Turns out weed made me lose my personality.
Anyhow, Im clean these days, and have never felt better.
HIGH ON LIFE IS THE WAY TO BE!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-09-15 00:01:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
His name was Robert Paulson.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-09-14 23:56:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Grooouuup huuuuug!