Why do people only visit me when the house is trashed and I'm stoned? (777 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.22 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rachel Happy pants (View user info) at 2005-09-15 06:21:52 EDT
Today I was hungover, desperately and painfully hungover. My eyes were itchy , my mouth tasted like an ashtray(funny thing is I don't even smoke, yet every time I am hung-over it tastes like cigarettes) and my stomach was moving like a ship in a storm. I had my whole day planned, I was going to stay in bed until the child woke-up, then I was going to bring the child to bed with me and we were going to spend the day watching movies and maybe order a pizza for lunch.
So at about 11am I get a knock at the door. Thinking it was either my mum or my bestie (the only people who ever visit me) I left my bed and answered the door. Now if at this point it had been either of these people I wouldn't have cared they have both seen me and my home at it's worse and nothing about me could shock them. But no it wasn't either of these people, standing in front of me was my fiancés mother and aunty.
Picture this, you drive six hours to visit your daughter in-law and bring your sister to show off the wonderful mother of your grandchild. You knock on her door and she opens it wearing clothes that have look like they have lived on her back for at least a week. She smells of beer and cigarettes and your sure that's a fly in her hair (yes ladies and gentlemen a fly. I found it in there after they left). When she opens her mouth it smells like a skunk with it's dead rat friend has climbed in there and died, of dysentery.
So here I am at the door, slowly going the colour of a summers sky when from the bedroom we hear a thump, then a shrill baby scream. No words are said and we all go running in. On the floor is three empty condom wrappers, a cock ring and a tube of lube. The sheets are in disarray and there is a baby on the floor crying. The baby in question is still in last nights pyjamas, has dirt on her knees, snot running out of her nose and spread along her face.
They look at me in horror and disgust and I don't know what to say. I just turn around and walk into the kitchen.
"would you like a coffee I ask?" they declined politely and I'm not sure if the pile of crud incrusted dishes influenced their decision. We sat at the dining table for a while (after I cleared away more dishes) and caught up. Then they went outside for a cigarette, there on our back table sitting like it owned the goddamn place was a bong, a pipe and it's best friend the bucket. The whole day I had been outside trying to smoke away my hangover. They looked at me and I knew, they knew, that I knew, they knew I was stoned.
I decided right then and there to come straight out and put an end to this.
"Look" I said. "maybe we can catch up for lunch?"
"sure" they said. Quite happy to leave.
I went back to my warm cosy bed and laughed for an hour. Then I fell asleep and have been there ever since.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-16 15:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I forwarded this to Child Protective Services for ya...no need to thank me!!
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2005-09-15 15:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh man, I loved this. It reminds me of that Bloodhound Gang song 'A Lapdance is so much better when the stripper is crying'.
Where will our society be without children like this to grow up into our strippers and prostitutes?
Please, think of the children.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-09-15 14:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck 'em Tuts. I was raised on government cheese with a mullet and permanent Kool-Aid stains on my face and look at me.
Submitted by Cappycapdiva (user info) at 2005-09-15 14:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-15 08:26:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-15 08:02:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
who the hell drives 6 hours to "surprise" someone? a call would have been nice
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Thank-you and amen.
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Someone hoping to bust someone else in a sticky (pardon the pun) situation, that's who. Duh.
Mommy having a hangover every now and then doesn't hurt kids, neither does having a dirty house.
I'm sure you're doing fine TuTs, the fact that you worry about things means you care and that's half the battle.
Submitted by johnhutch (user info) at 2005-09-15 14:02:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Plus one because as a story this is amusing in a sick and twisted sort of way, which is my favorite kind of amusing. And that's what we're supposed to rate, rigth? The writing.
You could be a far worse mother.
But you could be better.
Submitted by yeahthatme (user info) at 2005-09-15 13:49:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just get a peephole in your door if you don't already have one and if you do, use it next time.
Would have saved you alot of judgement, ensuing guilt and BS.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-15 13:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here is +2 to counterbalance all the teenage boys giving you advice on how to be a parent.
Listen to Circe though- she knows everything.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-15 10:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're right; she won't remember this first year. But it will shape her. Being dirty all the time, Mum being hungover and cranky, living in a pigsty - these things will form the shape of her thinking.
You don't GET to have the luxury of time anymore. It's no longer your right. She's your priority; your first thought, the center of everything. It HAS to be that way. She deserves better than what you're giving her. Taking her out, taking her to playgroup, to swimming lessons, to play with other babies; these things are the EASY things. And I'm quite sure you talk a good game around other mothers, too.
But your parenting happens at home, unobserved. When there's no-one there to see you, you fall flat on your face, and that's not good enough. Get help if you need it. If you can afford to have a baby, you can afford to hire someone to come in and clean for a couple of hours a week. It's a lot cheaper than you'd think and it keeps you on top of things.
I'm not going to curse you out or call you names or make you feel worse than you do; I KNOW firsthand how fucking hard it is. There is help out there, if you need it - and even if you are the world's most exemplary parent most of the time, episodes like this are detrimental to your baby's emotional health and they need to stop.
If you left your baby with a sitter, and she got so drunk she was hungover -
and stoned -
and the baby was filthy and crying on the floor with condom wrappers -
and she was planning to be in bed all day -
you'd kick her fucking ass. Hold yourself to the same standard.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-09-15 10:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-15 09:47:36 (#)
Ranking: -1
Worst parent ever.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-09-15 10:06:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh and....
DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-09-15 10:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You horrible, awful piece of shit disgrace to society!
Get your ass out of bed and fucking give her a bath!
BITCH!
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-09-15 10:05:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rachey,
I am going to print this out, lock it in a safe deposit box in a bank, along with some money for your child's education because hey, let's face it, she will be needing all the help she can get and when she is 18 years old I am mailing her a nice cheque along with this horrible expose on how bad western australian women are as parents!
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-09-15 09:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh come on people. No one is perfect.
She takes care of her kid.
Christ.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-15 09:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Worst parent ever.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-15 09:46:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:39:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
No. I won't clean my house or my baby for chrissakes. I'm only 21 what were you doing at my age?
_________
Cleaning my house and my baby. Working evenings as a tutor. Not getting drunk. Not living in my own filth. Not thinking that going to bed for the entire day was alright as long as the baby was in there too.
I'm very sad for you and for your child.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-09-15 09:27:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The people who are saying you're a crap parent are saying it because it seems as though you are. You think that buying a baby everything you can manage makes you a good parent? How about, oh, I dunno... giving it a sanitary home to live in, washing it every once in a while, and NOT being stoned when you're supposed to be taking care of your kid? Yeah, you're allowed to let your hair down while the kid is asleep. It's the only time parents get. But when the sun comes up and the baby is awake, you're a mother, and she is your top priority. Smoking your hangover away? Ever heard of possibly taking a few aspirin, drinking a big glass of water and brushing your goddamned teeth? Your baby fell off your bed and was crying on the floor and you didn't pick her up... you walked into the kitchen and left her there? You're obviously more important to yourself than your kid. Good work. She'll be turning tricks in no time.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-09-15 08:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for using the phrase "cock ring" in your post
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-15 08:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not you too insane. **sobs**
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-09-15 08:30:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you lived in the states I would call the department of children and families on your ass you horrible drug-using, child abusing cunt.
That child needs to be with someone who can take care of it.
Who keeps it while you go out and sell your ass, HMM????
Hehe, funny story!
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-15 08:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-15 08:02:43 (#)
Ranking: 0
who the hell drives 6 hours to "surprise" someone? a call would have been nice
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Thank-you and amen.
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-09-15 08:22:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I could go for a fatty right about now
shhhhh, don't tell my boss
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-15 08:02:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
who the hell drives 6 hours to "surprise" someone? a call would have been nice.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-09-15 07:56:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I hope to fuck someone takes your child and looks after her before you let something really serious happen!
Guess what? This shit is affecting her! Especially if she's less than 1! You don't have another year to grow the fuck up. That had to have been done before you got pregnant!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-15 07:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what word?
fiddle?
I have been using that since before you were born.
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Shut up dad, shut up, shut up, shut up! Why do you always have to embarass me in front of my friends, why!? I hate you! I hope you die!
*bursts into tears*
<small voice> why did you crush my willy dad? You said you loved me.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-09-15 07:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've come 'round a bit...I hope this brings my overall rating to a +1.
I do this because I fucking hate unannounced guests, stopping by with thier elevated expectations. YOu should have stood scatching you crotch when you answered the door and said 'please keep it down, Raul is still sleeping, man that little Venezualan midget is a tiger....GGRROOWWLL!'
Yeah that would have saved you from them even coming in the house.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-15 07:25:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh and btw, my house is now spotless, the child is in bed and stop making me feel bad.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-15 07:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ahh shit. Call it guilty conscience call it whatever. i JUST CAN'T STAND CRITICISM and I think deep down I do feel really bad about this incident which is why i am posting about it. To see if other people think it's bad and well you do. So I feel bad.
Oh and by the way. This better not get on most heated. I've written better stuff then this. Stop writing.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-15 07:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-15 07:12:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
oh my fucking god fuck off my post all of you.
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Don't take it personally Rae, it's not like anyone has said "yew are a bad mommy an' your guilty of child abuse, I'm telling the tabloids".
Besides burying your head in the sand isn't going to save your baby from cancerous ciggatete smoke and cock ring related accidents.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-15 07:18:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:57:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
Stop stealing my words Apollo! """
what word?
fiddle?
I have been using that since before you were born.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-09-15 07:16:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i've forwarded this to the authorities
SENDING A BABY TO SWIMMING LESSONS IS MADNESS
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-09-15 07:16:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tough call for me on this one here, while I can understand the messy house during the suprise inspect..hell I'm 30 my wife is 32 and we get caught like that from time to time. I mean when do people think parents get the chance to let their hair down...yes when children go to bed.
A few issues though keep it from a +2, even in my most stoned and drunken haze I'll stop before bed and put away things the would be innapropriate for my baby to find (she's 20 months) and don't use your age as a scapegoat as you did in your replys. Age means nothing once you are a parent, you are no longer 21 you are a mother.
Not preaching...no, no, no, not me. I'm just sayin.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-15 07:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh my fucking god fuck off my post all of you.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-15 07:10:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Seriously though, don't kill your kid Tuts. That baby girl is the most precious part of your life, you can't fuck around anymore, it's time to sort it out and be a good mum.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-15 07:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't think I would care if someone chucked a boner on the bus near me. I would probrably just laugh. However when I was 13 I dumped my boyfriend for getting a boner.
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Good, it's a dying taboo (just like touching poo) and soon it will be perfectly acceptable for men to roam erect and free.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-09-15 07:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That baby's gonna grow up fucked
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Look the child isn't even one yet she dosn't know what a cock ring is. I have at least one more year to be an evil, nasty, drunkass, bitch and she won't remember a thing, cos hopefully all I need is one more year to grow up, At least I don't touch her vagina in an inappropriate way and Mr apollo, my baby girl is read to every night, is never physically, sexually or mentally abused and I would kill anyone who ever tried too. She has everything a baby could have, goes to swimming lessons, playgroup and has a large group of baby friends. One night of drunked debauchery does not make me a bad mother. Don't start on me.
**breathes**
I don't think I would care if someone chucked a boner on the bus near me. I would probrably just laugh. However when I was 13 I dumped my boyfriend for getting a boner.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stop stealing my words Apollo!
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:51:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:49:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:39:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
No. I won't clean my house or my baby for chrissakes. I'm only 21 what were you doing at my age? """
what the hell has age got to do with responsibility?
my parents had me when they were eighteen but I am damn sure I wasn't rolling round in condoms and cockrings.
My mother did fiddle with me though.
:-(
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ubersite is useful for these sort of confessions
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:50:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You chuck one on the bus today?
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Yup, I saw a pretty lady out the window of the special bus so I pulled down my trousers and started fiddling with myself but Teacher shouted at me and everyone laughed and said I was gay.
NUUUHHHHH!
Seriously though, I used to get morning wood on the train all the time and never once thought about the poor woman sat next to me. I want to here that she probably found arousing and flattering.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:39:54 (#)
Ranking: 0
No. I won't clean my house or my baby for chrissakes. I'm only 21 what were you doing at my age? """
what the hell has age got to do with responsibility?
my parents had me when they were eighteen but I am damn sure I wasn't rolling round in condoms and cockrings.
My mother did fiddle with me though.
:-(
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:42:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't listen to them Tuts, you'll be able to re-enact that scene from Trainspotting!
I asked you a question young lady.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:21:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
You are blatently attracted to him. Ambush him in the corner and molest him, it's not a crime if a woman does it you see.
Seriously though, what would you think if you where sat next to a bloke and he popped a woody?
Enquiring minds need to know.
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You chuck one on the bus today?
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:39:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No. I won't clean my house or my baby for chrissakes. I'm only 21 what were you doing at my age? Probrably the same thing minus the baby? Besides it's not like I do it all the time. Why am I justifying myself?
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:35:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ubersite is useful for these sort of confessions
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:34:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So here I am at the door, slowly going the colour of a summers sky when from the bedroom we hear a thump, then a shrill baby scream. No words are said and we all go running in. On the floor is three empty condom wrappers, a cock ring and a tube of lube. The sheets are in disarray and there is a baby on the floor crying. The baby in question is still in last nights pyjamas, has dirt on her knees, snot running out of her nose and spread along her face. """
Clean your fucking house and baby then.
Minger.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I want to rip you a new asshole for being irresponsible.
There were children in your house and you were doing this shit?
Grow the fuck up.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:29:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"On the floor is three empty condom wrappers, a cock ring and a tube of lube"
Do you have plans tonight?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:25:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My good lady, be carefull they don't call social services on your ass. Throw them a clichéd dinner party to impress them.
Seriously though, if a guy popped a woody next to you on public transport, what would you think?
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2005-09-15 06:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Footnote. I actually hardly ever smoke pot. Only when I'm hungover. Which isn't that often..... honest.