Flaming Grandma (962 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.37 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Neekol <hostile.apostle.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-09-15 14:17:21 EDT
A few weeks ago I was visiting my friends and family in Fredericksburg (I recently moved to Fairfax...NoVa love, wooha..) and I decided to stop by my friend Devin's house. Devin lives in a tiny little house with his grandparents and two drug dealing uncles (which was very handy back in highschool) and I'm friends with pretty much his entire family, so we were all sitting around the kitchen table and talking.
Devin and his dad are both DJs. They own their own company, and they travel around playing at weddings and bar mitzvahs and whatnot. One of the props they use while DJing is Flash Paper. Flash Paper is basically nitrocellulose...a piece of paper that is really flammable, but doesn't create ash, and will make a really bright flame for like, half a second, and then go out completely. It's mostly used by magicians, but for some reason, Devin always keeps a few sheets of it in his bedroom.
Anyway, Devin's grandma got up from the table to take a few dishes to the sink. Devin walked behind her, with a piece of Flash Paper in his hand, assumingly so he could light it up and startle his grandma while she was bent over at the sink.
Unfortunately, as he was lighting it, his grandma stood up real fast. And the Flash Paper, along with his grandma's hair, went up in flames.
At first Devin looked confused, as if he hadn't quite grasped what was happening. Once he realized what he had done - caught his fucking GRANDMA on fire - he screamed like a little girl and took off running. Yes, he ran away, leaving his grandma to stand in the kitchen with her head up in flames.
Devin's uncle Deryll finally came to his senses and, in a scene reminiscent of a porno I saw with my friend Tom once, grabbed her by the hair and forcefully dunked her head into the sink full of dirty dish water.
You might be wondering what I was doing this whole time? Well, for the most part I just sat at the table with a horrified look on my face. Then, while poor grandma was face down in a pool of dirty dish water, I got a call on my cell phone. It was Devin, calling from his girlfriend's house down the street.
Devin: "Is...is she ok?"
Me: "No, she died."
At which point Devin started sobbing uncontrollably.
Yeah, it was mean. But I didn't feel sorry for him. He had run away from his flaming grandma!
Eventually I managed to get through to the sobbing girly-man, and proceeded to give him the play-by-play of what was happening in the kitchen.
I only wish I had a camera phone at the time.
Oh, and by the way, grandma survived. Her hair, unfortunately, didn't, but that's what wigs are for.
User Reviews
Submitted by hostileapostle (user info) at 2005-09-21 10:35:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What banning?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-20 19:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll keep posting whatever I want, as much as I want, as often as I want. You're not getting rid of me. Fuck the ratings. Unless you're rating me based on content, it doesn't bother me a bit.
---------
How was your banning?
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-09-20 12:24:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It can be a fun site, but don't take everything so personally, it's just a website!!
I cannot stress this point enough.
funny story
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-09-16 11:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sinna speaks the truf!
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-09-16 03:26:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not bad post, but this made you seem like an irritating cunt.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/75239#1591835
Was I the only one picturing the Grandmother as a dodgy panto tranny?
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-09-15 21:30:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
not bad.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-09-15 18:49:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Devin: "Is...is she ok?"
Me: "No, she died."
HA! That made me laugh out loud.
Submitted by CLAIRE1 (user info) at 2005-09-15 16:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, I have been here for a year and I am still getting shitkicked because of rules I have yet to see.
Fuck it, the reason this site is here is to show people your shit and hopefully entertain afew in the process.
If both your posts have done that then more power to ya.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-09-15 16:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree that's what being a writer is about.
Big HOWEVER here.
The induction process in this website is a painful one.
"Why" you may ask yourself?
Because it's Uber.
Stick with it, skate it off, you're going to be OK!
The people that have been posting twice a day are all n00bs, which there seems to be quite
a few this week!
Stick around, read some posts, it takes a while to get used to. If you see things that you
don't understand like: "WTF, I AM NOT READING ALL THAT" or "NEEDS MORE COWBELL" and things along
that line, rest assured, it is an inside Uber joke.
There are over 75000 posts on this website, and many of the old ones are referenced everyday.
I don't beleive I'm doing this, but if you have questions email me. nd804.at.hotmail.com
You're lucky I'm such a nice guy!
Oh yeah,
STFU n00b!!
Submitted by hostileapostle (user info) at 2005-09-15 15:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dan,
My point was that I was being bombarded with bullshit rules that:
A. Aren't advertised anywhere on the site
B. Weren't shown to me (in the form of a terms of service thing) when I signed up.
...How was I to know that two posts a day is bad? I was actually curious about this BEFORE I posted Flaming Grandma, but after looking around the site I saw several people who posted more than once a day. From that, I came to the conclusion that it was ok.
That and hearing that "Nobody gets a +2 on their first post" (even though I did) kinda pissed me off. If you couldn't tell.
Honestly, I don't mind the poor ratings. I just like seeing that a lot of people are reading my posts, whether or not they enjoy them. That's what being a writer is all about...any publicity is good publicity.
Submitted by proofofpurchase (user info) at 2005-09-15 15:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't care if it is your second post today, I thought it was funny.
Here is another grandma post w00t!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/72308
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-09-15 15:16:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
AAHAHAHAHAA...you said you have friends. Good one.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-09-15 15:07:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Neekol,
The thing about writing on a writer's forum is:
You go through the process of learning who your target audience is.
Bad reviews= you might want to change your writing style (which I don't think is the case
with you) or you follow the rules so that people will rate based on literary skill, which
I think you possess, despite my ratings of your posts. It's an initiation thing.
Wildcat and I both are from Hampton Roads, and I'm sure both of us would love to give you some
+2's if you FOLLOW THE RULES AND PLAY NICE!!
This is the best advice you will recieve as fas as this website goes.
It can be a fun site, but don't take everything so personally, it's just a website!!
I cannot stress this point enough.
Don't be a douche and listen to John Hutch, as he is a dung-punching arse bandit.
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-09-15 14:52:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Devin and his dad are both DJs. They own their own company, and they travel around playing at weddings and bar mitzvahs and whatnot. One of the props they use while DJing is Flash Paper. Flash Paper is basically nitrocellulose...a piece of paper that is really flammable, but doesn't create ash, and will make a really bright flame for like, half a second, and then go out completely. It's mostly used by magicians, but for some reason, Devin always keeps a few sheets of it in his bedroom.
Anyway, Devin's grandma got up from the table to take a few dishes to the sink. Devin walked behind her, with a piece of Flash Paper in his hand, assumingly so he could light it up and startle his grandma while she was bent over at the sink.
Unfortunately, as he was lighting it, his grandma stood up real fast. And the Flash Paper, along with his grandma's hair, went up in flames.
At first Devin looked confused, as if he hadn't quite grasped what was happening. Once he realized what he had done - caught his fucking GRANDMA on fire - he screamed like a little girl and took off running. Yes, he ran away, leaving his grandma to stand in the kitchen with her head up in flames.
Devin's uncle Deryll finally came to his senses and, in a scene reminiscent of a porno I saw with my friend Tom once, grabbed her by the hair and forcefully dunked her head into the sink full of dirty dish water.
You might be wondering what I was doing this whole time? Well, for the most part I just sat at the table with a horrified look on my face. Then, while poor grandma was face down in a pool of dirty dish water, I got a call on my cell phone. It was Devin, calling from his girlfriend's house down the street.
Devin: "Is...is she ok?"
Me: "No, she died."
At which point Devin started sobbing uncontrollably.
Yeah, it was mean. But I didn't feel sorry for him. He had run away from his flaming grandma!
Submitted by johnhutch (user info) at 2005-09-15 14:51:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ignore Average_Dan, Neekol. He's just bitter than his writing is so awful.
Not that yours is spectacular, but you have awesome comedic timing. I was gonna give +1, but I'll bump it up to +2 to offset the crybabies.
Submitted by hostileapostle (user info) at 2005-09-15 14:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Je dois pleurer comme un bébé parce que ma grand-mère est en flammes!
Submitted by cocaine (user info) at 2005-09-15 14:46:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"je dois partir maintenant parce que ma grande-mere est flambe."
Submitted by hostileapostle (user info) at 2005-09-15 14:44:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Um, I've seen plenty of other people post 2 posts per day. And also, I don't give a fuck if it knocks my other post off the front page. If someone who's actually in charge tells me not to post twice, I'll listen. Until then, piss off.
And to the other guy, I grew up in Norfolk, so I'm really southern Virginian. I'm going to school in NoVa. You think I enjoy paying $1500 a month for rent? Hell no. Notice the sarcasm in my NoVa remark.
Damn. This is only my third post, and already I'm starting to dislike this place. It seems the majority of you are elitist fucks. Ooh I'm a n00b, big fucking deal.
I'll keep posting whatever I want, as much as I want, as often as I want. You're not getting rid of me. Fuck the ratings. Unless you're rating me based on content, it doesn't bother me a bit.
xoxo
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-09-15 14:30:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Neekol,
This is a real rule,
1 post per day n00b!!
Not only does it knock your previous post off the front, but you will
automatically receive -2's on your second post.
Tighten up!
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2005-09-15 14:24:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Are you from NoVa? Fuck. I hate people for NoVa. Well, it's really a misnomer because it references the community college up there but I still hate people from norther Virginia. Why you say? Being a southern Virginian has taught me that all the people up there are prissy little bitches........and I could buy 3 houses the same size down here for the same money I pay for one up there. It's fucking ridiculous. I"m rambling. I hate you already.