Oral Express. ( a true story that outlines the state of the nation.) (999 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.22 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff <barnymeinhoff.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-09-16 07:37:31 EDT
I think if you get to much of a good thing you can take it for granted.
When you dont get any of a good thing then somone else taking it for granted can be a real fucking poke in the eye.
I broke up with my Girlfriend in May and have not had "relations" with anyone since then.
Now sex isnt the be all and end all of everything, there's drugs and TV as well but at the end of the day even a little intamacy with another human being can mean the difference between having a life or having an internet habbit.
anyhoo, I went down to Devon to see my parents last week and spent seven days wondering round the countryside thinking back to my idylic childhood and wondering if I would ever find love again etc etc etc.
I got there on the National Express bus service as Im on the dole and trains cost the earth.
The journey takes between four and five hours. Im reading about the seige of Stalingrad at the the moment and so I was prepared for the long journey.
The journey down was uneventfull.
The journey back was not.
I got on the bus at Exeter at 1500hrs yesterday afternoon. I headed towards the back as it looked to be empty and I like to sit as far away from other humans as possible.
I got to the back to find a young couple had sprawled themselves accross the seat in the "dont sit here were asleep" position.
Fine, fuck em. I sat in the seat in front of them and sit there while they huff and bicker about the fact I sat so close.
The girl gets up and sits in the seat accross the isle from me to prevent anyone else sitting within their line of seight. I resign myself to spending the next five hours within earshot of a couple of cunts.
We pull out of Exeter and she pulls him out of his pants.
I fuck you not. They are sat in the seat directly behind me and can hear every fucking suck and bob as she goes down on him.... eww.
After a couple of miles he starts winging as the bus is swerving and she keeps getting a bit toothy.
Im thinking, "Dude, she has been decent enough to do this for you, at least be pollite."
He tells her to stop, not so much as a thankyou, stands up and leans on the back of my seat while he does his belt up and then goes down to the chemical toilet for a ciggerette.
(to quote Bill Hicks.) and im not getting laid.
A little later in the trip she gets out a wrap of coke and asks him if he thinks theres enough there for two lines.
He says let me have a look, She passes him the wrap.
He hoovers the lot.
she sucks his dick on the bus....he hoovers all her coke......by the time we got to Victoria station in London he had also borrowed some money from her.
and im not getting laid.
User Reviews
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2005-09-23 12:37:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
grim
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2005-09-21 13:01:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry dude. ever since i first saw your name on here i have been reading it 'barry' oops!
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-20 19:16:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nope, They had staked out their ground.
its Barny not barry....the name barry is like nails on a chalk board to me.
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2005-09-20 12:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this one Barry. did anyone else notice the slobbin?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-09-18 11:16:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is ok, but spellcheck would be good.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-16 18:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you remind me of Mr. Blobby
Submitted by miss_tila (user info) at 2005-09-16 13:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by johnhutch (user info) at 2005-09-16 09:04:04 (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for a story about the worst humanity has to offer
-1 for not intereacting with them
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Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-09-16 11:14:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
im im im -- NO!
I'm I'm I'm -- YES!
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-09-16 10:49:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i was kinda hoping it would be a post about an oral sex train, but i'll settle for this.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/75295
Submitted by Red420007 (user info) at 2005-09-16 10:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 Good Story
-1 For using the word "anyhoo"
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-09-16 10:23:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not getting laid either, suck it up.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-09-16 10:07:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-09-16 10:02:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
>>>and im not getting laid.
Well, you're not fucking enough coke-whores.
********************************
hahahaha
yea this post deserves better than the 1 i already gave.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2005-09-16 10:02:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
>>>and im not getting laid.
Well, you're not fucking enough coke-whores.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-16 09:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
used to run a website called TV Go Home about 6 odd years back...spoof tv ratings definately worth looking up. ended up being the tv critic for the guardian guide...writes screen burn.
created Nathan Barley which was made into a tv series a few months back.
a bunch of other stuff as well.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-16 09:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-16 09:30:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
my moneys on Charlie Brooker....still somewhat of a cunt mind but TV Go Home was the shit.
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I don't know him. I'd say I'll look him up but that would be a lie.
Can you give the abbreviated version?
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-16 09:30:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my moneys on Charlie Brooker....still somewhat of a cunt mind but TV Go Home was the shit.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-16 09:28:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-09-16 08:51:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
Bill Hicks is a legend.
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Bill Hicks is dead. We need a new legend.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-16 09:11:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Bill Hicks
Submitted by johnhutch (user info) at 2005-09-16 09:04:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+2 for a story about the worst humanity has to offer
-1 for not intereacting with them
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-09-16 08:52:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-09-16 08:51:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bill Hicks is a legend.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-09-16 08:18:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ahhh, the good ol' bus blow job. It's about time I got some action on public transport I think.
Stupid joke time.
What happened to the Irishman who tried to blow up a bus?
Burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.
Submitted by English_Matt (user info) at 2005-09-16 08:09:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha funny.
I live near Exeter too, which makes it all the cooler.
Shame I'm too much of a nice guy to do that kinda shit!
+2 for you!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-16 08:06:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-09-16 07:53:35 (#)
Ranking: 1
Women love an arsehole... Yet my girlfriend hates it when I'm an arsehole... actualy, I think she just hates me.
*sobs*
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She's still with you though, isn't she? She'll tell you she hates you then suck you off and give you presents.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-09-16 07:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Women love an arsehole... Yet my girlfriend hates it when I'm an arsehole... actualy, I think she just hates me.
*sobs*
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-16 07:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by midas_child (user info) at 2005-09-16 07:42:18 (#)
Ranking: 1
As I have been informed many a time 'chicks love an asshole'
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That may be true but then they get bad-AIDS
Submitted by midas_child (user info) at 2005-09-16 07:42:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
As I have been informed many a time 'chicks love an asshole'