My Brother Didn't Want me Hanging Out With Him and His Friends; or The Tragic and Short Lives of my Dungeons & Dragons Characters. (1595 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.9 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by beeltea (View user info) at 2005-09-16 21:12:46 EDT
The Tale of El Gordo, The Elven Ranger (My brother would suggest names for my characters which at the time I thought sounded cool and mysterious but later realized were derogatory)
This was the first time I played the game with my brother and his friends, because I whined and our mother made him. El Gordo was a member of a party whose mission was to find some sort of legendary magical harp buried deep in these catacombs, and the harp was very important because when it was played it supposedly gave every character in the party a +2 in wisdom and a +4 in constitution. Unfortunately, El Gordo was armed with only a longbow, and was woefully unprepared for the close-quarter combat of the crypt; even though he was advised at the weapon shop earlier that "Dude, Rangers have excellent longbow skills!" and "yeah, why would you want to buy a short sword? You're a little dork" (I never really liked my brother's friend Dale). In the end it didn't really matter what weapon he had, because while on a "scouting mission" for the party El Gordo was suddenly surprised by three skeletons and quickly frozen with a hypnotism spell. With no way of defending himself, stranded from the party, and the stupid cleric being too far away to cast a "turn undead" spell; El Gordo was all too quickly dispatched. His heroic sacrifice, which allowed the other members of his party to surprise and easily defeat the skeletons, was never mentioned.
The Tale of Fellatio, The Gnomish Bard.
Fellatio never really had a chance. Like most of my characters, he was always lead scout for the party; plus he was a bard, and had only a dagger for a weapon and wore extremely light armor. The reason for this was he also carried a lute, which the other party members stressed to me was important because of the +3 bonus in morale for each character. I didn't really want to be a gnomish bard; they aren't very good fighters, and frankly I didn't see how my bonus charisma was going to be very useful in Ragnar, the City of Desolation; but my brother said that's all I could be if I wanted to play. The wooden and rope bridge to Ragnar, which crossed over a chasm formed by a river of lava, was very ancient and rickety. A twenty sided die was rolled by my brother to determine my safe crossing of the bridge. It failed, and despite his extraordinary dexterity, Fellatio failed on an 8-sided die-roll to hang onto the remnants of the bridge. He dropped into the abyss and sank slowly into the magma, lute and all. Dale, whose character was a halfling sorcerer, cast a spell of levitation to get the rest of the party safely across after Fellatio had already met his untimely demise.
The Tale of Sir Mickey Finn, The Human Paladin
Mickey was a victim of his own arrogance. He knew that he was going to be lead scout, but he was armored with a sharp broadsword and stronger platemail, and serreptitiously all but volunteered to lead the party into the underground caverns of Tarith Brae. After all, Sir Finn had a +3 in strength, and being a holy and noble paladin he would have no trouble in battles with the undead. This was further affirmed in the party's first foray into combat, where Sir Finn easily slayed two of the four attacking orcish barbarians. However, Sir Finn let it go to his head, and when confronted by a magical glowing green crystal ball that voiced the words "beware!", Sir Finn, ever brash, volunteered to investigate. As it turned out, what the green glowing ball meant by "beware!" was that when you touched the green ball a trapdoor in the room opened and dropped you 100 feet into a basement with spiked floors. As he died, Mickey observed previous impaled heroes decomposing on the blood-stained spikes.
After Mickey I stopped playing Dungeons & Dragons with my brother and his friends because he left home to go to college, and Nintendo was invented. Stay tuned for my next entry, which is going to be titled "My Older Sister is smarter than me, or How I lost 47 games of Scrabble In a Row.
User Reviews
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-06-05 05:28:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It is a very good post Bee, a relic of a bygone age.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-06-05 04:40:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
okay, so let's get this on best ever.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-06-01 22:06:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-02-08 12:35:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought it was the coolest thing ever when I was eight.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-02-06 17:17:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-02-06 16:57:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never played D&D, but to be perfectly honest, I'm beginning to think I might actually enjoy it.
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DO IT.
I just played on Sunday.
It is nerdy to the EXTREME... but lots of fun.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-02-06 16:57:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never played D&D, but to be perfectly honest, I'm beginning to think I might actually enjoy it.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-02-06 16:53:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NEEEEERD!!!!!
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2007-02-06 16:36:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cause
Submitted by the_lone_stranger (user info) at 2006-10-31 01:19:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAA!
My name is Commander Cockstrong, the Chief Wizard of Phallus Tower.
<Casts phase door> *poof*
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-10-08 01:37:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fellatio, The Gnomish Bard"
Submitted by DuiTicket (user info) at 2006-10-08 01:22:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha pretty funny and dorky
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-10-08 00:38:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2006-07-10 19:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-12-09 19:02:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
wow a bunch of closet dorks in here...and I'm one of them.
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I'm sorry, CLOSET dorks? Yeah, and Richard Simmons is a closet gay.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-07-10 13:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yea this pretty much made my day.
laughed pretty hard.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-07-10 13:22:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember reading this, don't know why I never reviewed it
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-07-10 13:16:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-12-09 19:02:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow a bunch of closet dorks in here...and I'm one of them.
that is until I found that if I put my peener in a girls 'giner, it felt really neat.
Submitted by EAZEDZT (user info) at 2005-12-09 18:49:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had some asshole friends growing up that, I am sure, killed
off my favorite players just to make me sad.
I was emotionally attached to 'character sheets'.
I was a loser.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-19 17:28:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love this shit - I could post all kinds of tales from my DMing days
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-09-19 13:46:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahahahahahaha
Nice head, nerd!
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-09-19 13:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You nerd.
And the sad thing is I know exactly what you are talking about.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-09-19 10:24:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-09-19 09:04:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to
lose.
-- Homer Simpson
Dead Putting Society
Submitted by a_palindrome (user info) at 2005-09-18 22:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
D&D=awesome and a +2
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-09-18 19:45:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-09-18 19:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-09-17 17:04:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Farewell Fellatio, I hardly knew ye.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-09-17 14:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Comment
Submitted by LampShadePets (user info) at 2005-09-17 13:56:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-09-17 12:58:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty fucking funny. I know just enough about D&D to know that the idea of a Gnome Bard is a sad thing...
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2005-09-17 10:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My sister got me into Dungeons and Dragons when I was a little kid. My bards, clerics, and halflings died in about a bazillion campaigns, all in rather amusing ways.
Then, like you, I got a Nintendo, and had better things to do.
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-09-17 09:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha....You know D&D isn't always about dungeons and goblins....There's other ways of role playing.
But fellatio the gnomish bard is classic!
Submitted by brummie92 (user info) at 2005-09-17 06:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-09-17 06:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha! "Fellatio, The Gnomish Bard"! Hahahaha!
Also, your entire family are dorks.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-09-17 05:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is cute. All those dice make it a boy thing. Look forward to reading more.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-17 05:05:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(stands up)
my name is Barnymeinhoff and I used to play.
funny stuff.
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2005-09-17 04:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I call shenanigans on you having a character called Felatio. Pretty funny stories though.
Submitted by Boon (user info) at 2005-09-17 02:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fellatio and his story cracked me up.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2005-09-17 01:07:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny if you're a closet nerd, like me.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-09-16 23:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by RydinJ (user info) at 2005-09-16 21:45:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment