Fat-free salad dressing tastes like semen. (2317 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.93 on 64 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-09-18 11:02:31 EDT
Well, it does.
I have to lose, like, 3 tonnes by summer. That's in three months, for anyone not living south of the equator. I've decided that this shall be accomplished by the following three methods:
1- Eating rabbit food coated in semen.
2- Not using the car for short distances; ie, the mailbox, the kitchen, and out to the front garden to do the weeding. I shall, instead, defy all my natural instincts that cry out for the comfort and ease of an automobile and.... walk.
3- Not drinking Iced Coffee.
Now, there are some obstacles in my way. First and foremost is the Dutchman's Social Theory of Laziness. It goes like this:
"Way back when we lived in caves, it was a constant struggle for survival. There was hunting, gathering, hiding, attracting a mate, defending your home - anyone who could afford to be lazy was, in fact, at the very very top of the social ladder. Laziness is an evolutionary bonus. It's the body's way of saying 'Life is really, really good right now.' Basically, if you're lazy, you're successful. Now, can you pass me the remote? It's two feet away and to get it I'd have to... you know... move."
This is all well and good for the Dutchman. He's a tall lanky son of a bitch. He was built to run marathons. I, on the other hand, was built not to fall over in earthquakes. I was built to pull potatoes out of a field in Ireland. I was built to have three dozen babies and still work the farm all day. I have reserves.
My ass is the size of a barn, is what I'm saying here.
Another obstacle is the twins. They have cystic fibrosis; apart from the physiotherapy and meds, they need a special diet. They don't absorb enough fat from their food, so they take enzymes to help break it down and they have to eat a LOT of calories. I mean, cheese with everything, margarine on veggies, cream on cereal. They are on a high calorie diet. This has, in the past, put me on a high calorie diet. Kind of. Well, I taste new recipes I come up with for them. I, uh... I come up with a lot of new recipes.
Want to hear one? This is High Cal Quiche. (aka, Heart Attack in a Pie Dish)
9 inch pie crust
250g chopped, pan-fried bacon.
2 cups cream
1 cup grated cheese
6 eggs
Blind bake the pie crust at 220C for ten minutes.
Sprinkle bacon over the pie crust. Mix cream and eggs together with 3/4 of the cheese and pour over bacon. Top with cheese, bake at 220C for ten minutes, then lower temp to 150C and cook for a further 40 minutes.
Serving size - 1/8 of the pie. Fat content of one serve - 56g.
So I have to stop tasting these recipes. Especially Deep-Fried Tuna and Cheese Bites.
But, oh, my vice... more fun than smoking, more satisfying than sex, more indulgent than ice-cream - Masters Iced Coffee. Bless you and your caffeine-fuelled goodness. I love your sweetness and your creamy perfection. Bless you and your 12 grams of fat per 600ml carton. Goddammit. Why hast thou forsaken me? Why have you seen fit to curse me with thighs like a water buffalo? All I ever did was love you!
No more. I'm replacing iced coffee with ... well, I was going to replace it with water. But just the idea was enough to make me fall down and go into convulsions. So I'm starting with iced tea and working my way down the beverage scale to urine. Then pond scum. Then water.
I think I may be rabid.
My biggest problem is the most simple. I like food. Not to comfort me, not to deal with Daddy issues. I don't overeat because I'm emotionally unstable. There's nothing wrong with my thyroid and I'm nowhere even close to disabled. I just like food. I like the taste of melted cheese on toast. Whipped cream and jam on hot scones makes me weep with happiness.
I've come up with a mantra, right? It's to help me in times of trial - for example, when I see cheese. Or full-cream anything. Or cake. Or if I smell any of the above. Or see pictures. Or hear them mentioned. Or think about them.
"If you were thinner than the Dutchman, you could say "You've really let yourself go" and make him weep."
It ain't much, but it's working.
Here's a picture of my messy hovel computer desk; the rest of the house is spotless. This is my nest. I hide from food here. The glass you see to the left of the screen? My dear friend Iced Coffee.
I miss him already. This is the only picture I have of him.
User Reviews
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-12-14 11:19:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-03-12 11:27:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is all well and good for the Dutchman. He's a tall lanky son of a bitch.
------------------------
If he has greasy hair as well, you may be married to Ruud van Nistelrooy.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2005-10-20 12:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hee!
Submitted by tamcginn (user info) at 2005-10-07 13:12:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm weeping with ya...I gave up Dunkin' Donuts Iced Mocha Lattes in August: 1) because I quit my job and no longer drive anywhere near there and 2) because they cost $4.50 and about a pound's worth of calories. I miss them dearly. Unfortunatly staying home has given me far too much time on my hands to eat even more shit, and smoke like a fiend in my "office" Mythbuster #1 Smoking more makes you eat less...Bullshit, I eat between puffs. Good Luck!
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So a guy could spunk in your salad and you'd never know?
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Feel the pride and sympathy radiating from me to you... YOU CAN DO IT!
I myself am trying to lighten the load (preemptive strike for the Holidays... I can't get fat at Christmas if I'm not fat at Thanksgiving) so we can be frustrated together.
My cigarette intake has tripled since I started this.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:40:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cookie - I'm actually getting there! Unfortunately, I'M HUNGRY ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
I'm hungry right now.
I'm chainsmoking because what I want to do is melt cheese on top of a bowl of instant noodles and eat it with like half a loaf of white bread WITH BUTTER
*weeps*
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm not going to eat my own fingernails in desperation....
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:34:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
have you hit the one-ton-less mark yet, Lyn?
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:26:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, yes it does... umm, not that I'd know.
Submitted by Mister (user info) at 2005-09-21 21:37:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Garlic cheese bread...
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-09-21 12:25:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ooooooooooooooooooo. Look at all the books. I thought I was the only asshole that bought books, read them and then shelved them.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-19 22:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jonny - if you could email the recipe for garlic cheese bread to fickle.muse.at.gmail.com it'd be awesome.
You know how many results you DON'T get when you go looking for fatty, artery clogging recipes?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-19 19:29:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gonna make that quiche tonight!
I have an excellent hi-cal recipe for beef Stroganoff.
plus garlic cheese bread that is a heart attack on a bun!
Let me know if you want them!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-19 13:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Indo - they belong to the Dutchman, too. He has dozens of them.
Teeph - I might have to read them, then. God knows he's been trying to foist all his sci-fi/fantasy books onto me for ages... in return, I'll force him to read Pratchett, which he's resisted thus far.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-19 13:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another +2 for the Dutchman then. Those books fookin' rock. (Also, thanks for answering - I was going nuts knowing there might just be another Rawn fan on the site.)
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-19 12:53:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
iddy - you know, and I know, that I give you "serious criticism" via msn. Stop being a pissy little douche, dear.
Teeph - well bloody spotted - they're straight above my head and they belong to the Dutchman.
Everyone who likes Terry Pratchett - I counted. Just within arms length I have 15 Discworld books. I need to join a support group or something.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-09-19 12:53:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-18 11:14:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
DJ - I do. They belong to the Dutchman so they're on the upper shelves and on the other side of the room over the fireplace.
I liked Magician, but he went WAY downhill with all those shitty Krondor sequels.
---------------------------------------
Nice selection, I am pretty sure I recognize some of those forgotten realms.
Great assessment of magician.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-19 10:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post and all, but do I see some Melanie Rawn on your bookshelf there?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-09-19 08:41:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You Aussies and your crazy seasons...
Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-09-19 07:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for making my stomach all quesy.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-09-19 07:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only once! Uber is slipping.
"Butter up that bacon, boy! Bacon up that sausage!"
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-09-19 07:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a cool little computer area.
Here's something you'll wish I never told you: my ex refused to swallow because semen is fattening. This bothered me. Not because she wouldnt' swallow -- nobody really has any right to comlain about that, and she's free to do whatever she wants with any man-batter that may result from our unholy union except secretly try to impregnate herself with it -- but because it was such a ridiculous reason.
Now I'm going to read the reviews and guess how many times someone offered to ejaculate onto your salad for you.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-09-19 06:14:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I should have borrowed some of those books when I was down there.... Or at the least seen your computer.... ah well.
Bid farewell to the coffee, coffee bad. Apparently just from stopping coffee drinking you can lose weight. And if you go off it completely and then try to drink it again, it will taste awful. For a while. I feel sick if I ever drink it now. Same with soft drink. Except I went back on soft drink... I'm weak.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-09-19 05:04:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-09-19 01:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
once again, caulain, you reveal your ignorance. i wasnt referring to his (arguably correct) assessment of me, i was talking about something circe said. so, fuck off and stay the fuck out of shit that doesnt concern (or apparently interest, despite your continued reading and rating of my comments/replies). now run along and go back to writing shitty posts under a shitty alter.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-09-19 00:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm sure you're beautiful the way you are. But good luck with the lifestyle change; I have to applaud that.
I have an acquaintance who weighed, no joke, over 500 lbs. We called him 'Big Fish', he was so big. He started eating only 1 meal per day and lost half his weight. No pills. No other aids. He would eat all he wanted to fill up in one meal, and he would have no more meals, only a snack or something.
I didn't see him for about 2 years and I didn't even recognise him after he lost his weight.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-09-19 00:38:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought Phallic's view was not only balanced but pretty accurate. But that's only an opinion.
I wonder though...why should anyone do you any courtesy? Are you royalty? Because from what I've seen, most of your posts and reviews remind me of the ramblings of some drunk homeless.
You must be special, I guess.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-09-18 23:44:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck off, phallic, lynn honestly tells me what she thinks of me and i appreciate that. i, in turn, honestly tell her what i think of her. shes not on msn at the moment, so i left it here. i love criticism from people i respect like lynn, but if youre going to have a shot at me, at least do me the courtesy of giving me a reasonably balanced view.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-09-18 23:36:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I once had some vagina slime that tasted like semen.
Caul, as a Canadian I dont think you know any more about sweet tea than I know about poutine.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-09-18 23:25:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
iddqd wins the "UberUser in greatest need of a tampon" award every time.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-09-18 23:10:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you may regard this +1 as some sort of retaliatory attempt to 'get you back' for your harsh, (and i feel unjustified) comment on my last post, but really, this only made me smile.
by the way, i never see you comment on my decent posts, only the shit ones, so you can take your non-constructive criticsms and jam them up your arse.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-09-18 21:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best ever again *yawn*
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-09-18 21:10:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
why yes. yes it does. and that's why I have a fridge full of it.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2005-09-18 20:59:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-09-18 20:05:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would suggest Lithium as a salad dressing and a few kilos of Yorkshire pudding.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2005-09-18 19:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You definitely don't deserve this +2.
This post was awful.
However I feel like conforming. So enjoy.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-09-18 18:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-09-18 18:14:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck iced coffee. Cant go wrong with sweet tea.
===========
Fuck this lemonade shit, sweet beverages are way worse than fat ones for your wasteline.
If you need caffeine, go for an espresso's or allongé (I think it's a long espresso...not sure)...same effect, no cream/milk! :-)
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2005-09-18 18:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck iced coffee. Cant go wrong with sweet tea.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-09-18 17:10:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Making a drastic diet change is pretty hard. I'd start with eating smaller portion, more frequently. But replacing all beverages with only water is kinda mandatory.
I am jealous of your computer desk. It's all neat and shit.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2005-09-18 17:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL HOW WUD U NO WUT SEMEN TASTE LIKE U GHEY LOL
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-09-18 16:21:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not using the car for short distances; ie, the mailbox,
Submitted by ParlorTrick (user info) at 2005-09-18 15:54:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yum.
Submitted by absolutes (user info) at 2005-09-18 15:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-09-18 13:26:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
cheesy hips...mmmmmm
Hahahaa
Best of luck, Circe!
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-09-18 15:00:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DELICIOUS!!!
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2005-09-18 14:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like terry pratchett, too...
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-09-18 13:53:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't even know where to start girl, but this is hilarious (other than your twins' problem, sorry about that.)
I guess the best advice here is, skip the urine phase.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-09-18 13:45:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh god, I sympathise.
American portions are not good for the 5'2 English figure.
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2005-09-18 13:32:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It that Tad Williams up there on the center shelves?
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-09-18 13:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats a damn good taste in books you have there.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-09-18 13:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cheesy hips...mmmmmm
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-09-18 13:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE food, one of my favourite meals is cheesy hips with gravy, the last thing I ate was a mayonaisse and cheese sandwich but Im not fat.
I keep getting weird pains in my arm but Im not fat.
You know why? I exercise! Its much easier than giving up food, if you can learnt ot control your breathing (If youve ever given a good blowjob you can) then you can even eat at the same time.
Sex is good exercise. If you like food that much, either be fat or exercise, you owe it to the chips.
No not iced coffe, chips.
Iced coffe urgh.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-09-18 13:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you can do it
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-09-18 13:01:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting.
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-09-18 12:39:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ya know, if its easier, I'll happily beat off on your salad. Won't improve the taste, but it will save you some money.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-09-18 12:28:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think semen tastes better than fat free dressing. Anything does. Try balsamic vinegar & some spices.
Cheese and iced coffee are my 2 favorites, so I just modify them. Slightly reduced fat cheddar cheese (not so much that there's no flavor), 2% milk & sweetener in homemade iced coffee. After a few days, I don't miss the full fat versions but the cravings are satisfied.
Good luck!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-09-18 12:14:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you know the salad dressing bottle still has its original contents? What I'm getting at is, have the dutchman and the salad dressing bottle ever been left alone together?
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-09-18 11:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, you could do that... Or you could, you know - EXERCISE!
Really, you don't need a gym to run. You don't even need a gym for weight training, for that matter.
It's alright, though; I love your tubby ass as it is.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-09-18 11:31:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your mounted monitor would hurt my neck like a movie theatre.
good luck with teh fatz.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-18 11:14:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DJ - I do. They belong to the Dutchman so they're on the upper shelves and on the other side of the room over the fireplace.
I liked Magician, but he went WAY downhill with all those shitty Krondor sequels.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-18 11:13:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Brendan - joining the gym is my reward after losing 10 kilos. I figure if I can get that far by myself, I'll at least be motivated enough to make the membership fee worthwhile.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-09-18 11:13:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Terry Pratchett novels.
You got any Feist in there? I can recommend "Magician".
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2005-09-18 11:10:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fat-free salad dressing tastes like semen.
I know.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-09-18 11:10:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I started going to the gym again in May there was this fat chick there and she was fucking huge. She had just started, now after 4 months she looks good. Go to the gym 3-4 times a week and just do 60-90 minutes of exercise and you'll be where you want in no time.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2005-09-18 11:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to make that quiche thing, eat it all and watch my stomach and ass grow.
GO LAZY,FAT AMERICANS!!!!!!!!!!1