Bumper Sticker Confusion (987 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 1.15 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Goose <goosehkr at hotmail dot com> (View user info) at 2005-09-19 14:41:05 EDT
I don't know about the rest of you, but I think that bumper stickers are the third lowest form of communication known to man, falling behind keychain dangly things ("Warning: Goes from zero to bitch is 8.3 seconds") and t-shirts with clever sayings ("Can't sleep: Clowns will eat me"). I find it difficult to understand how people can either show a complete and concise political or social critique in less than ten words, why they would advertise bands they are not actually members of, or feel the need to be cute and clever. Has anyone actually read a bumper sticker and legitimately laughed? If you have, you shouldn't be driving.
With this in mind, it really bothers me when I don't understand a sticker. I don't mean stickers promoting music I don't listen to or books I don't want to read; I mean stickers that are describing an idea that just sort of seems to miss the mark. For example, I work part-time at an Army-Navy store, and we have a bumper sticker that says "When we run out of trees, you can wipe your ass with a spotted owl". What exactly are they trying to say here? Typically, I would imagine that if you didn't care about spotted owls to a level where you would be willing to wipe your ass with one, regardless of the inherent discomfort I'm sure would be associated with this, it doesn't seem as though you would be concerned with running out of trees, either. However, the reverse doesn't make any sense either: I don't think your standard tree hugger would make a point about deforestation by threatening an endangered species. The only thing I can come up with is that environmental hippies are turning on one another, but that doesn't sound right either.
I bring this up because during my lunch break, I had to run down to the bank and cash a couple of checks. I wound up getting stuck at a red light behind a gold-colored Honda minivan that had three things stuck on the back: a "Bush/Cheney '04" campaign sticker, a little silver Jesus fish, and a bumper sticker. Now, before I go on any further, the Bush/Cheney sticker and the Jesus fish should have been warning enough, but I continued.
The third sticker read "National Security MUST start in the womb". WTF? National security must start in the womb? No, wait, national security MUST start in the womb. What the hell does that even mean? Only terrorists get abortions? Pregnant woman must start teaching their collective fetuses about safety and security and the necessity of duct tape and plastic sheeting? Are we to begin arming our pre-natal youth, to guard against potential future terrorist attacks? I can't even completely decide if it's a pro-life sticker or a pro-war on terrorism sticker. It can't possibly be both, can it?
All of this makes me depressed. I consider myself at least moderately intelligent. On my good days I can read without moving my lips, and I know at least four seven letter words (Bingos, in Scrabble). How can I not understand a bumper sticker? It's almost as bad as not understanding a child's picture book (with the exception of ones pertaining to anything relating to anime or kid's card games like Yu-Gi-Oh, or whatever - I don't believe that anyone actually understands what's going on there). I've asked around, and I can't find anyone who does get it, although, to be fair, I can't find anyone who cares as much as I do, either.
Do any of you, my fellow uberites, understand what these stickers mean? If you do, please let me know - this is going to turn into one of those things that I obsessively wonder about for weeks.
User Reviews
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-20 10:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-09-19 17:23:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
That is all I have to add except that I was once rather amused at the fact that once when I slowed down in a school zone complete with children present, the car behind me started doing that little zoom up to act like they are going to hit me thing. It doesn't work on me mostly because I drive a fully paid off 2000 Cherokee with over 80,000 miles on it so if someone hits me from behind it's really their ass not mine. When the zoom up trick didn't work, the guy decides that it would be appropriate to pass me by using the bicycle lane.
charming I know
All the while I kept seeing the "Jesus is the answer" front tag.
-------------------------------------------------
This is why I'm not allowed to put one of those Jesus fish on my car. =(
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-20 10:08:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, nobody seems to know what they mean. I get that the "spotted owls" one is an anti-environmentalist sentiment, but the statement itself doesn't make a whole lot of sense, at least not to me.
Sacrilicious - if you're ever in NoVA (northern Virginia to non-natives) stop by the 29 Diner on 29/50 in Fairfax and try the scrapple, egg, and cheese sandwich. Fantastic.
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2005-09-19 21:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This idea has been adressed before, but I liked the way you went about writing it out.
As for what the bumper stickers mean (I didn't read all the comments below), hell if I fucking know. I would like to get on custom-made with my ubersite title on it. Man I'm a loser.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-09-19 21:50:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ONE - The back of my shit car is COVERED with stickers, mostly from different bands and musical artists. Why? I don't know, I just dig the way it looks. Thrice, NIN, Tool, deftones, Breaking the Silence, Alkaline Trio, hell I even threw on a Peter Gabriel sticker just to confuse people. (PG rocks!) I think people put on stickers to personalize their cars, make it something more unique to them... which leads me to my second point...
TWO - My ex girlfriend was an art major and they had an assignment for her photography class. It had to be a series of pictures, all of the same type of item with varying differences. She chose to do bumper stickers. She managed to come up with this whole bullshit explanation that they were a modern American way of declaring your individualism in a mass consumer enviroment. She knew it was complete nonsense, but her idiot teacher loved it...
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-09-19 21:31:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was so close to buying a shirt the other day that read "Gay people are faggots."
"National Security MUST start in the womb". -HAHAHAHAHAhaahaha
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-09-19 20:05:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-19 16:14:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and don't think I'm not going to take you up on your scrapple offer.
---------------
AH! I had my semi-annual serving of scrapple just yesterday! It wasn't well done enough. But it was still good. I considered asking for apple as well, but I was too hungover to bother.
A bumper sticker that amuses me is 'Honk IF you're Jesus'. But my Dad instilled in me a disdain for them in general. I am, however, a sucker for a band t-shirt.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2005-09-19 18:36:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i dont know why people have to be so ignorant as to spew swear words out the back of their cars like so much sewer run-off. aren't you articulate enough to say what you need to say without having my 4 year old daughter having to be exposed to fuck, bitch, etc while i'm just driving down the road?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-09-19 18:03:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My boyfriend's car has a series of bumper stickers that read, from top to bottom:
Darn the government
The president is lying
Find the clitoris
The other day, somebody actually got out of their car (this was at a drive-through where we were waiting in line) and took a few pictures of the stickers.
Watching the reactions of people who are behind him in traffic is absolutely hysterical. I got him another one to add onto the collection that says "It ain't gonna suck itself."
Other actually amusing bumper stickers that I've seen include:
Never trust a preacher with a boner
Drive defensively- buy a tank
No more Mr. Nice Guy- on your knees, bitch
That said, most bumper stickers are rather stupid.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-09-19 17:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-09-19 17:23:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
but I am rather afraid of clowns
^^^^^^^^
too many freaks
too few circuses
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-09-19 17:27:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would also like to add that there is a truck right outside my window that is doing some sort of 100 point turn trying to get into a really narrow alley that normally serves as a hang out for the crazy homeless population of the city. The truck is completely blocking the exit for a parking deck.
This seems to be making the natives angry as there is a rather higher than normal level of cacophonic noise out there.
Is "cacophonic noise" redundant?
Is it more or less redundant than the phrase "grand slam with the bases loaded"?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-09-19 17:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It is bad that I chuckled at the "can't sleep clowns will eat me" thing. I think the same place sells those "I have candy" t-shirts.
no I do not own either
or any candy for that matter
but I am rather afraid of clowns
That is all I have to add except that I was once rather amused at the fact that once when I slowed down in a school zone complete with children present, the car behind me started doing that little zoom up to act like they are going to hit me thing. It doesn't work on me mostly because I drive a fully paid off 2000 Cherokee with over 80,000 miles on it so if someone hits me from behind it's really their ass not mine. When the zoom up trick didn't work, the guy decides that it would be appropriate to pass me by using the bicycle lane.
charming I know
All the while I kept seeing the "Jesus is the answer" front tag.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-19 16:14:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why, thank you. ;)
Yes, I did head down to New Orleans - I got back late last week. I've been putting together some writing on it, but a lot happened, and quite a bit of it was sort of graphic, so I'm having a tough time editing. That, plus I have two weeks worth of paperwork to catch up on. I'll probably start posting on it later this week.
Oh, and don't think I'm not going to take you up on your scrapple offer.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-09-19 16:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"When we run out of trees, you can wipe your ass with a spotted owl".
That's a big F U to environmentalists, displaying apathy toward conservation of flora and fauna alike.
So did you end up volunteering?? Or did you write your last posts just to turn uberladies on?
It worked.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-09-19 15:55:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A bumper sticker is a poor and indecisive man's tattoo
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-19 15:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Remarkably enough, no - there aren't any psycho right-wing nutjobs who work for us (at least at my store). The owner is Jewish, and the district manager is gay, so that helps cut it down, I suppose. Our customer base, however, contains some of the craziest far-right nutjobs I've ever met.
They can't explain it to me either - I just get blank stares.
Oh, and I have a 9-5 job - I starting working part time at this place too because my buddy is the manager and he needed someone to cover a couple of shifts. I just wound up staying on for a couple of days a week.
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2005-09-19 15:32:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
has a sticker of a man sitting on the toilet and the caption underneath reads "i-pood"
no i dont
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2005-09-19 15:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
None of your colleagues at the Army-Navy store cared to explain it to you? You mean to tell me at a store like that, there is not one Pro-Life Militia Right Wing Wacko working there with you?
Submitted by johnhutch (user info) at 2005-09-19 15:26:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hehe, good stuff. What I wanna know is... what's a sensible type like yourself doing working in an army-navy store? Aren't all the guys who run those complete wackjobs like the nazi shithead in that movie Falling Down?
Man, what a cool movie...
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-09-19 15:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Being as my situations dictate my actions/ideas, I would never limit myself to a bumper sticker ideology that follows me everywhere I go. Some days are "have a nice day" days, other days are "vote nader" days, and then there are "stfu -2die" days.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-09-19 15:18:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. I liked this.
I once misread an American roadsign as 'Abortion Stops A Beating'. That kept me busy for a few hours.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-09-19 15:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
go go gadget link-whore.
One of my very first posts was about this very same thing . . . sort of.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/15032
Submitted by FireProofPanties (user info) at 2005-09-19 14:56:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Damn Bush supporters! Always confusing people!!!
Submitted by alragusa (user info) at 2005-09-19 14:53:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I have a bumper sticker that says "Goose sucks off farm animals............................
.......................
and likes it."
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-09-19 14:51:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My favorite bumper sticker is the "no fat chicks allowed"
I think it pretty much sums up my political/philosophical beliefs.
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2005-09-19 14:49:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have a yellow magnetic ribbon that says "support the magnetic ribbon industry" or something like that.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-09-19 14:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2005-09-19 14:43:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I like my bumper sticker. Well, it's actually one of those magnetic ribbon things that says "Support Road Head".