Adam had a boner for Eve. (1484 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.94 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Saxon (View user info) at 2005-09-19 18:24:38 EDT
As I understand the bible, God created the Garden of Eden so man would have no need to toil to obtain food. Adam was lonely so God made Eve who was tricked by a serpent into eating from the tree of knowledge, who made Adam eat the fruit which in turn led to mans banishment from the garden of Eden.
God got pissed at them and booting they're asses out he placed his Cherubim's at the gate to guard the Garden of Eden and told Adam and Eve they now had to toil the earth for their sustenance.
So now we have the only two humans on earth beating a path away from the Garden of Eden with their newfound knowledge. Eve is complaining her shoes are giving her blisters and Adam is worrying about the size of his penis. Not a day beforehand they were happily frolicking naked with not a care in the world and now they had to become farmers.
I think women have a lot to answer for here!
Men would do anything for a pretty girl and believe anything that a woman tells them. A man wouldn't have believed that serpent however, he would have smelt a rat and told that serpent to go fuck himself but no it took a woman to let her curiosity get the better of her and get us banished from the Garden of Eden.
I wonder if Adam was pissed at Eve as they hastily exited the garden that provided everything they earthly needed to survive. I wonder if this was the first time the word "bitch" was used?
It doesn't matter how pissed Adam was because Eve would have just reminded him if he wasn't careful he wasn't getting any pussy tonight so Adam would have bit his tongue and muttered under his breath a lot.
Now we have to keep in mind that the wheel wasn't invented yet and I'm guessing neither Adam nor Eve had any concept of fire. So I'm thinking the first few days of their banishment must have been hard. Kind of like the first ever episode of survivor, with God as the only viewer.
Once they had found a warm cave to stay out of the weather, food would have been their next agenda. I guess there would have been a couple of fruit trees around but not like there would have been in Eden, so they would have had to quickly learn how to build gardens or walk many miles collecting fruit.
Where they the first to eat meat? Did Eve spit out a bite of apple one day and say "fuck I'm sick of eating fruit" with Adam looking at her saying "well we cant eat dirt, I tried it, it tastes like shit! Yeh ok I tried that too".
If they where the first to eat meat I bet Eve said one day "We have to kill and eat one of those small furry creatures". Adam with an astounded look on his face would have said, "Have you lost your fucking mind?" to which Eve would have replied, "Well, the big furry animals with the big sharp teeth eat the small furry ones, we should try it".
Now I'm thinking old Adam wouldn't have been much of a hunter and I can see his silly ass running around chasing small furry animals swearing and cursing while Eve looked on shaking her head saying "looks like apples again tonight".
It surprises me that there is no mention in the bible about Adam and Eve trying to get back into the Garden of Eden, whether throwing themselves on the mercy of God or sneaking in to steal the good fruit. I bet they did try to steal some fruit and I can see Adam running like a mother fucker from the garden with a handful of fruit and Eve screaming "Ruuuuuuuuuun you dick head you got a Cherubim on your ass".
This is the part in the story that seems to be a grey area. Most religions agree in part on the story up too now but whence the children came is fodder for hot debate. Some religions say that Adam and Eve had two male children and upon adulthood one killed the other and ran off to marry some desert slut. This I find disturbing because Adam and Eve are supposed to be the only humans.
There is a religion that believes Adam and Eve lived to be nearly a thousand years old and had over 500 children. Damn that's a lot of fucking and imagine Eves vagina after birthing over 500 kiddies. She must have been spitting them out like watermelon seeds after 250. They didn't have viagra in those days so old Adam must have been a virile, horny fucker.
User Reviews
Submitted by lordofduct (user info) at 2005-09-25 06:45:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always love your shit!
And what is up with that... Noah supposedly died at I think it was 600 and something years old.
Or how about the version of Noah's Ark that said when they get off the ship they walked into the valley and asked God how society was to grow again. God told Noah and his family to throw rocks and sticks over there shoulders towards sunrise... after turning around their stood civilization. WTF?
Or how about this stupid City of Babel shit! Ok so God comes down and gets all pissed off that his best pupils, the guardians of his garden, the opal of his eye and only creature of free will should not be able to get smart enough and build a tower to heaven. So he goes and confuses them all by creating languages? I'd be proud! I'd be like WOW you guys are pretty fucking crafty... and being the opal of his eye he should also take it as a compliment. But no this over zealous dick weed is to narcacistic to consider these things. He has to think everyone is out to get him. Satan per chance? Why is it everything he gives freewill begins to question his devine plan?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-09-20 10:44:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-20 06:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eve screaming "Ruuuuuuuuuun you dick head you got a Cherubim on your ass".
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*Wipes tear from cheek*
Ah man, that's funny.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-09-20 06:52:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-09-20 06:46:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hector_Ramirez (user info) at 2005-09-19 19:25:19 (#)
Ranking: -2
sinner
----------------------
Yes, mate?
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-09-20 05:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i mean really... this had everything,
action,
excitment,
1000 yr old vaginas.
Fuck mate,
nice work...
Submitted by Fabit (user info) at 2005-09-20 03:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to ruin my creationist delusions man!
good work
Submitted by hael (user info) at 2005-09-20 02:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Friggin killer!!!!
Submitted by jack0173 (user info) at 2005-09-20 02:21:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-09-19 23:59:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to worry about that too. Then I decided, fuck it. I happen to have plenty of fruit AND meat. What do *I* give a shit?
Submitted by Orla (user info) at 2005-09-19 23:25:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking hilarious.
And who made Jesus cry again?
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-09-19 22:27:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-09-19 22:14:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-09-19 18:49:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-09-19 18:44:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Man that is the most ridiculous story I have ever heard... except for all the other stories in the bible.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-09-19 21:33:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always thought that Adam and Eve were ducks that lived in my neighbor's yard. Now I'm all confused :(
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-09-19 21:18:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-09-19 20:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on your 100th post!!! I've always been curious as to why Adam and Eve screwed around as much as they did. If they got booted out of the Garden of Eden, they had to have spent a lot of time working for their survival. You would figure that didn't leave much time or energy for "other" pursuits. I'm positive that they tried on many occassions to sneak back in. And aren't fig leaves scratchy? Then why use those to cover the unmentionables?
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2005-09-19 20:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hector_Ramirez (user info) at 2005-09-19 19:25:19 (#)
Ranking: -2
sinner
==================================================
Hector Ramirez loves Jesus with all of his heart.
And penis, he loves him that way, too
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-09-19 20:21:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2005-09-19 20:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-09-19 20:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm... watermelon
Once again, Saxon.. you rock. Happy Hundred!
Submitted by SkinnyKenny (user info) at 2005-09-19 19:58:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Kind of like the first ever episode of survivor, with God as the only viewer."
I wish I could come up with similies like this.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-19 19:54:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had something witty and brilliant to say here but I totally forgot what it was. Oh well.
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-09-19 19:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Hector_Ramirez (user info) at 2005-09-19 19:25:19 (#)
Ranking: -2
sinner
----------------------
Prey for me Hector i need redemption, or a bottle of JD. Ok, fuck the redemption id rather a bottle of JD anyways hahahahahaha.
Submitted by Spice (user info) at 2005-09-19 19:25:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dont ever change your one amazing writer... great job :)
Submitted by Hector_Ramirez (user info) at 2005-09-19 19:25:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sinner
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-09-19 19:19:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2005-09-19 18:49:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-09-19 18:44:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Man that is the most ridiculous story I have ever heard... except for all the other stories in the bible.
Submitted by sixxforty (user info) at 2005-09-19 18:46:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-09-19 18:44:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man that is the most ridiculous story I have ever heard... except for all the other stories in the bible.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-09-19 18:44:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are one of the handful of people and reasons I stay here.
Congrat's on the first 100 and I hope to see many many more.
Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-09-19 18:44:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-09-19 18:30:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
the first time the word "bitch" was used?
"fuck I'm sick of eating fruit" with Adam looking at her saying "well we cant eat dirt, I tried it, it tastes like shit! Yeh ok I tried that too".
"looks like apples again tonight".
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+2 just for those lines
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Do you start at -2 and a +2 just means 0 to you?
Submitted by a_palindrome (user info) at 2005-09-19 18:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Eve is complaining her shoes are giving her blisters and Adam is worrying about the size of his penis."
Heh heh heh...
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-09-19 18:35:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This should have a much higher score by now.
Plus, it's my 21st birthday today. I'm feeling merry.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-09-19 18:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the first time the word "bitch" was used?
"fuck I'm sick of eating fruit" with Adam looking at her saying "well we cant eat dirt, I tried it, it tastes like shit! Yeh ok I tried that too".
"looks like apples again tonight".
----------------------------------
+2 just for those lines
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-09-19 18:29:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"looks like apples again tonight"
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+2 just for that line !!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-09-19 18:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is my 100'th post. Woo me.