I'm just glad I'm not my kid. (1463 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:non-fiction
Rating: 1.82 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe <fickle.muse.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2005-09-20 08:38:29 EDT
Here is what I was very, very close to writing this evening:
"They were outside climbing trees. I heard a "crack" and saw a branch fall. I ran outside to see the other person's child twitching on the ground in a pool of blood with his brains splattered all over creation and a tree branch jutting out of his eye socket. We tried to revive him but we couldn't locate the missing limbs."
And not for Uber, either, but in a fucking Police Report after being charged with, I don't know, Reckless Endangerment of Someone Else's Suicidal Child.
Luckily for me - not to mention the kid who was playing here this afternoon - when the tree branch broke, it landed on the trampoline and he landed on top of it. When I bolted outside, having seen this sickening little showstopper through the window, he was giggling idiotically and muttering "Ow, my testicles." The Boy was still in the tree, laughing so hard he had to wrap his arms around the trunk to keep from falling the fuck off.
I have to tell you, there is one thing worse than having your own child narrowly escape death, and that's being responsible for someone else's child narrowly escaping death. It took me three seconds, from the first "crack", to get to the trampoline.
"Ryan! What were you thinking? What would have happened if that tramp wasn't there?"
He looked at me with perfect 11 year old calm. "Well, I wouldn't have been in the tree. I was going to jump onto the tramp."
The Boy snorted, still giggling, weak with laughter. "What he said was 'This is how the Pros do it', right before he fell down and went boom."
"Ryan.... can you imagine me having to explain to your mother why you came over to play and ended up as a red smear on the ground?"
He looked suitably repentant and I let it go, after banning the climbing of that particular treacherous tree.
I remember climbing trees. I remember going to my friends' houses when I was 11. I remember doing stupid stuff that got me injured and I never understood Mum's hysterical wailings of "You could have died!!"
I'd give anything to be 11 again. I don't want to look at everything through doom-tinted glasses.
But, you know, that's my job. So beginning tomorrow, here are the new rules of the house:
__________
No more riding bikes to school. In fact, no outside. No more going to school. Home-schooling is a viable alternative.
No more visiting friends. No more friends visiting here.
No more climbing trees, jumping on the trampoline, running, hopping, kicking of balls, karate classes, or walking from place to place.
You will be carried in a soft cotton-wool-padded capsule at all times.
No more bunk bed. You sleep on the floor.
No eating solid food, you might choke. It's flavored mush from now on.
You will wear a helmet at all times, like the slow kids. They may be slow but they're SAFE.
No using pencils with a sharp end. Use crayons.
No outside. No more going to school. Home-schooling is a viable alternative.
So, you will stay inside, on the floor, in a cotton wool padded capsule, eating mush, drawing with crayons, and wearing a helmet. ALL THE TIME.
____________
This is the only way he'll grow up to be healthy and happy and uninjured and emotionally stable. Oh, and no more baths (might drown) or showers (could slip on the soap). Sponge baths from now until he's 20.
Overreacting is such an UGLY word. I prefer "Reacting with appropriate and reasonable and perfectly justifiable measures to ensure the safety of all involved."
This is the tree branch.
User Reviews
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-10-07 12:32:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ow, my testicles!
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2005-09-27 11:28:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'This is how the Pros do it'
How many times, in how many countries, has this statement resulted in serious injury?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-20 18:28:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just tell 'em to skate it off
Submitted by miss_tila (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:58:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:53:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Many, many injuries I've incurred due to my jump-o-line.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always wanted to be a professional tree-to-trampoline jumper.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-09-20 14:42:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-09-20 11:14:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Still one of the best and most consistent posters on this site.
When I was that age, I was building forts in the woods from raw materials using tools like hatchets and hammers and nails and bow saws. My recommendation: give them these things and a bunch of lumber and let them build things. They'll learn a valuable lesson of on-the-job safety while finishing that sunroom you've always wanted.
Kids make the best workers cause they don't really know they're working till it's TOO LATE!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!
we used to do that in my grandparents woods but my grandfather being somewhat a conservationist would not allow us to use nails on trees (so as not to kill them) so we had to build using twine from the horse barn. you'd be amazed at some of the multi leveled forts we built that could support several people. hatchets, saws, and twine. now that I think about it it's kind of funny we couldn't use nails but could cut down sapplings and such for building materials. whatever, very fond memories.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-09-20 11:43:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"doom-tinted glasses!"
These sound cool. Life would rock! http://1watson.com/steve/newsite/newimages/doom-2-screenshots-3.jpg
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-09-20 11:38:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd bump your homeowner's policy up a notch.
Submitted by LampShadePets (user info) at 2005-09-20 11:33:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My bad... Level 3 only in Mass.
You can get a count of level 2's in your neighborhood though.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-20 11:32:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-09-20 11:27:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/18/national/18hunting.html
__________
Oh my god. I had this mental image of Seth with a gun.
I just
no
that's a very very bad idea
he can't even sit still for a haircut
"Don't wave that thing around!"
*kid turns around* "What?" BLAM!
Submitted by LampShadePets (user info) at 2005-09-20 11:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-20 11:16:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-09-20 10:13:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
My ex-wife and I moved way the hell out to the country because, more than anything else, we were worried about sexual predators around the kids. Getting hurt is just part of the territory as a boy.
Getting raped is not.
Then they came out with the registered sex offender list on-line. Turns out there were plenty in our little tiny town in the middle of nowhere.
America! Fuck yeah!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's awful. Does it publish the offenses the filthy pedo's commited?
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Here in Massachusetts they do (level 2 and 3). People have been using Google Maps and mapping out the pedos in their neighborhoods. My wife and I just moved over the border to RI and right now you cannot get a list of pedos in your neighborhood; the only way you know they are there is if the authorities feel they are enough of a danger to clue you in.
Awesome post (as always). My mom, to this day, wishes that leashes for children were invented back when my brothers and I were young. We would've probably been teathered to poles outside of department stores while she went shopping.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-09-20 11:27:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-09-20 11:16:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-09-20 11:10:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you trying to tell me I shouldn't have signed your boy up for that "Hunting for Children" program in Vermont? Spaces are limited, you know.
-----------------
Hunting for children???
Tell me more...
---------------
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/18/national/18hunting.html
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-09-20 11:17:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If she hasn't figured it out before then I'll have re-evaluate my assessment of her intelligence...
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-20 11:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-09-20 10:13:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
My ex-wife and I moved way the hell out to the country because, more than anything else, we were worried about sexual predators around the kids. Getting hurt is just part of the territory as a boy.
Getting raped is not.
Then they came out with the registered sex offender list on-line. Turns out there were plenty in our little tiny town in the middle of nowhere.
America! Fuck yeah!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's awful. Does it publish the offenses the filthy pedo's commited?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-09-20 11:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-09-20 11:10:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you trying to tell me I shouldn't have signed your boy up for that "Hunting for Children" program in Vermont? Spaces are limited, you know.
-----------------
Hunting for children???
Tell me more...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-20 11:14:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Coyote, darling, stay the fuck away from my kid or I'll teach your daughter how to sneak out of the house when she's thirteen.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-09-20 11:14:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still one of the best and most consistent posters on this site.
When I was that age, I was building forts in the woods from raw materials using tools like hatchets and hammers and nails and bow saws. My recommendation: give them these things and a bunch of lumber and let them build things. They'll learn a valuable lesson of on-the-job safety while finishing that sunroom you've always wanted.
Kids make the best workers cause they don't really know they're working till it's TOO LATE!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2005-09-20 11:10:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you trying to tell me I shouldn't have signed your boy up for that "Hunting for Children" program in Vermont? Spaces are limited, you know.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-09-20 10:58:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, I don't remember ever doing anything that could have seriously harmed me when I was a kid... Maybe I did and it just got blocked from my memory somehow
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-09-20 10:51:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In my grandfather's barn there is a large hemp rope. The proper use of which is to have one kid climb into the loft. Another kid throws the rope to the kid in the loft who then climbs over the railing, straddles the rope, and jumps. If all goes well, you swing out through the barn door and back eventually dropping into a haystack.
There is no much else to do on a farm when it rains.
I have a picture of my father engaging in this practice. It is a wonder I was ever born.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-20 10:40:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*too
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-20 10:39:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-20 10:23:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you get snow? If you do, pretty soon he'll come up with the idea of "Let's pile all the snow at one place and jump off of the roof into it!" However, if he's anything like me at that age, he'll forget to pack it down at all, jump off the roof (three stories high, if you're lucky like me) and fall straight through to the ground.
____________
That little shit would, to. After I told him that jumping from trees onto the tramp was a stupid bloody idea, he suggested that we move the tramp closer to the house so he could jump from the roof onto it.
I may have to break both his legs for his own safety.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-09-20 10:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you get snow? If you do, pretty soon he'll come up with the idea of "Let's pile all the snow at one place and jump off of the roof into it!" However, if he's anything like me at that age, he'll forget to pack it down at all, jump off the roof (three stories high, if you're lucky like me) and fall straight through to the ground.
Good times.
I probably should have been forced to wear a helmet until I was 16.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-09-20 10:13:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My ex-wife and I moved way the hell out to the country because, more than anything else, we were worried about sexual predators around the kids. Getting hurt is just part of the territory as a boy.
Getting raped is not.
Then they came out with the registered sex offender list on-line. Turns out there were plenty in our little tiny town in the middle of nowhere.
America! Fuck yeah!
Submitted by sheckynecky (user info) at 2005-09-20 09:44:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What I find funny is the "this is how the pros do it" line. Makes for a good story when a line like that precedes a hilarious notch taking down event. Like the time I was riding a bike with my brother and I told him as we were whizzing down the hill, "if you don't see any cars by now, its safe to go across" five seconds later, BAM, I ride my bike into the back quarter panel of a car. Good thing I had the reflexes of a cat and nimbly hopped off the bike to land on my feet. Shook the driver up a bit. My brother had far more close brushes with death/dismemberment. Falling out our second story window, narrowly avoiding sliding off a mountain side, falling from a tall tree and bouncing off clothesline. Good times.
Submitted by johnhutch (user info) at 2005-09-20 09:29:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No walking place to place. heheheheh. classic!
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-20 09:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You will wear a helmet at all times, like the slow kids. They may be slow but they're SAFE.
)_______
Circe, you are hilarious.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-20 09:19:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I bolted outside, having seen this sickening little showstopper through the window, he was giggling idiotically and muttering "Ow, my testicles."
----------
I try to mutter this at least twice a day.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-20 09:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
indo - it was the other kid who fell out of the tree. He's 11. My boy is 8.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-09-20 09:17:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2005-09-20 09:11:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're turning into Loki.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-09-20 09:07:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-20 09:00:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
Indo - shit, you're right. That's because I suck.
------------------------------
I will let it slide this time, but lets not have a repeat.
For some reason I thought your kid was much younger before this. Did he just grow up like 5 yrs in the last couple posts, or is my reading comprehension horrible?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-09-20 09:04:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And anyway, sweetheart, you should know by now that it's very difficult to kill an eleven-year-old boy. It's ok- they're young, they bounce.
Submitted by Richard_Whitely (user info) at 2005-09-20 09:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
When i was 11 i was doing petrol bombs and setting valleys of hay on fire.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-09-20 09:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"doom-tinted glasses."
I know some silly goth kids who would LOVE to get ahold of a pair of those.
On a different note, just make them wear shock collars with mini-altimeters on them, so that if they go above a certain height (say, four feet above where their necks usually are) they get a nasty shock. It works like a charm.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-20 09:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aww, gee, thanks, fuckface.
It's okay, I'm teaching him to stay inside on a computer all day so he'll wind up just like you.
Indo - shit, you're right. That's because I suck.
Berty - do it! It'll be the making of you! Really...
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2005-09-20 08:53:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
letting kids play in a tree obviously not designed for climbing that hangs over a) a trampoline without spring mats and b) a corrugated iron fence. I hereby nominate you for the mother of the year award in the "fat, poor and ugly" division.
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-09-20 08:51:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-20 08:45:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
Right up until the thing about the house rules... if I tried that every male in the house would mutiny and hang me from a roof bream.
**************
hahahahaha
"mutiny" implies you are captain (of the house)
how do the males feel about that?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-20 08:51:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You will wear a helmet at all times, like the slow kids. They may be slow but they're SAFE.
------
Har Har!
Always a pleasure.
Incidently, you will never,ever, ever be able to contact me on MSN because you live in Australia. The timing is all wrong. I shall have to physically come over to stay so I can instant message you from your front room (not going to happen as I don't have a passport).
I am considering abandoning my job and working nights.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-09-20 08:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha!
You're such a Mum, Circe.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2005-09-20 08:48:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahhh climing up trees, on top of porches, throwing shit bombs at the boys, accidentally killing an infant... themz were the days.
I miss having to dart outside to see what mischief my son's got himself into... I miss him.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-09-20 08:47:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"No outside. No more going to school. Home-schooling is a viable alternative"-was repeated, -2 die noob.
That is pretty badass for an 11 year old. I used to make rope swings off the second floor of our houes to a live oak tree in the back yard. Can't believe I never fell.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2005-09-20 08:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Trampolines are about the most dangerous things you can have around kids. My parents have a huge one and a pool, and my sister, her husband and their two sons (aged 3 and 6 respectively) live right next door. They have unfettered access to the trampoline and the older one can reach the handle to open to door to the building built over the pool. He can swim well but still, it scares me.
They aren't allowed to jump or swim alone, but you know.
Speaking of climbing trees, I fell out of one at 6 years old and broke my left clavicle and speaking of bunk beds, i fell out of one at 8 years old and fractured my neck.
Submitted by AlexorGM (user info) at 2005-09-20 08:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for circe
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2005-09-20 08:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like me at that age.
Shit, sounds like me now.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-20 08:45:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Right up until the thing about the house rules... if I tried that every male in the house would mutiny and hang me from a roof bream.
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2005-09-20 08:45:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-09-20 08:44:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want a trampoline now...
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2005-09-20 08:43:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i wasn't going to bother logging in but then i saw the picture.
cool post...
is it a true story?