True Bad Moments in Business II: How to Embarrass a Client in 15 Seconds in Front of 250 People. (2991 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.97 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ahumblefool (View user info) at 2005-09-20 14:35:16 EDT
True Bad Moments I: http://www.ubersite.com/m/75456
It had been two years since I had opened the doors of my business, and life was treating me pretty good. I was now the employer of eight designers, two copywriters and a speaking specialist. We had become pretty well known for our presentation skills, but when we received a call from one of the largest corporations locally, well, we were very excited.
We arrived two days later and were escorted to the corporate boardroom to set up for our presentation. In fifteen minutes, twelve people walked in. After our half hour they had already decided to hire us, the fastest sale I had ever made. The catch, we had to have the presentation and the presenter ready in two weeks, the presentation would be before 250 people and we would introduce the speakers. I looked at my production manager, he said that it could be done but we would have to call other clients and ask if we could postpone their work for a short time. I pulled my laptop over, opened our estimation software and started calculating; $63,000 for two weeks of work plus double our fee for overtime and rush charges, they agreed and signed on the spot. My heart nearly stopped.
After signing I asked who my team would be working with so that we could begin scripting and designing. Everyone at the table turned and looked at each other with looks of concern, and that is when I knew I had charged too little. A petite lady said, "You will be working with Richard."
Okay, and which one of you is Richard?
There was nervous laughter and someone said that Richard refused to attend, that he felt that he was capable of doing the presentation on his own, and we were a waste of money.
"So, tell me, how am I going to get the project done if Richard refuses to work with us?"
A gentleman looked me right in the eye and said, "I am his boss, he will work with you, don't worry."
Two days later we are in the boardroom waiting for Richard to arrive, he arrives one hour late. He enters through the doors in a rush, sits down hard and says, and I quote, "Let's get this shit over with." Richard is sweating profusely and he weighs close to 300 pounds on a whooping 5'6" frame. (Richard is the Chief Software Developer and the presentation he is making is to introduce a new software package aimed at young sales executives, what the company is calling their golden child.) I ask Richard to show us what he has so far. He looks at me and says, "Nothing, nothing at all. That is what you are here for right? You're the expert right? What the hell do I know? Oh, and the name is Dick, not Richard." I put up with his shenanigans for two hours before I finally tell him we have what we need for now, but could I get a business card. He flips one towards me and leaves. That is when I knew that fate was such a fickle fellow, his last name was Rash, Richard Rash, sorry, I mean Dick Rash.
Dick tortured my employees for two weeks. My speech specialist was brought to tears on three separate occasions, each time she threatened to quit. My production manager wanted to pound Dick's face into the ground. I contacted his boss, but he turned out to be scared shitless of his own employee. Basically, I came to find out that this guy was committing programmer's blackmail; he was the key holder, and making everyone's life a living hell. But revenge can be so subtle at times, because when I asked Dick how he wanted to be introduced at the conference, he said, "By my name, Mr. Dick Rash, is that too frigging hard for you." I told him that he would be presenting before 250 young sales executives, 75% of them men, was he positive. "No shit, that is what I said, just do it." No problem Dick, your wish will be so granted.
I had my assistant pick up a final check the day before the conference, which was promptly deposited to our account. The evening of the conference I flowed through each speaker, we brought the audience up on a wave of excitement; everyone was anticipating the big roll out. And then it was Dick's turn. I used every metaphor in the book. "You have the itch, Mr. Rash has the scratch," and so on and so forth. I built it up and I finished it off with, "Ladies and Gentleman, I give to each of you this evening Dick Rash, I have Dick Rash! Everyone has been waiting for Dick Rash!" The crowd starts to clap, but then, through the applause, I hear laughter as it hits people what I have just built up. Soon there is more laughter than applause. Dick walks on stage, and as he walks up, he flips me the bird. I just smile, and when he reaches the podium, I say "Here he is, the scratch to your itch, Dick Rash!" and walk off the stage as the laughter continues to grow.
For two weeks I waited and sweated the call from the corporate lawyers, suing us for destroying their roll out. But instead I received a letter:
Dear Sir,
It appears that your humor worked in our favor. We have had record calls asking for more information on our new product, and we feel that this roll out will be our most successful to date. Of course, you realize that what you said could have destroyed the work of many people and in turn ruined your company as well. Since we both came out on top, we will overlook this issue and press forward.
In closing, I wanted to let you know that Mr. Rash no longer works for our company. He gave no particular reason, but, I know at least fifteen people, including myself, who are not sorry to see him leave. With that knowledge, would you be willing to come back and do another presentation in three months?
Sincerely,
XXXXXXX
CEO
User Reviews
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2007-01-13 10:53:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Here he is, the scratch to your itch, Dick Rash!" and walk off the stage as the laughter continues to grow.
Please, don't tease, tell me you really said this.
Submitted by SatansPetMonkey (user info) at 2007-01-13 10:45:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh... dick rash. your parents love you.
Submitted by Mister (user info) at 2005-09-21 21:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-09-21 05:24:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Dick Rash? Shennanigans or not, good story, definitely worthy of a plus2.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-09-21 06:10:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dick rash.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-09-21 05:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dick Rash? Shennanigans or not, good story, definitely worthy of a plus2.
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2005-09-21 02:21:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet
Submitted by Rasta (user info) at 2005-09-21 01:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. Two believable well written stories. You may have just gathered a follower.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-09-20 23:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
New writer with talent WTF?
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-09-20 23:04:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written
Submitted by GirleButterfly (user info) at 2005-09-20 21:35:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by LaganGroup (user info) at 2005-09-20 21:34:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome story.
'nuff said.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2005-09-20 21:29:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-09-20 19:28:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2005-09-20 18:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent tale
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2005-09-20 17:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just spent the day in meetings.. this was a beautiful thing to top it off!
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2005-09-20 17:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very Funny....
har har dick rash peener.
Submitted by parzival (user info) at 2005-09-20 17:15:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by starshine (user info) at 2005-09-20 17:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bravo.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2005-09-20 16:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Could this be the best day of my life?
-- Homer Simpson
Homer the Heretic
Submitted by manicvelocity (user info) at 2005-09-20 16:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate Dick Rash. Dick Rash annoys the hell out of me.
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2005-09-20 16:20:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-09-20 16:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by supersloth (user info) at 2005-09-20 16:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story!
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:53:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet!
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:45:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool. Write more stories.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:43:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:36:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool...good story!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a nice little niche you've found, now whore the hell out of it!!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very solid, but slightly shenagacious.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He quit?!?
What a pussy!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:25:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YES
Submitted by johnhutch (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:20:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're my favorite.
Submitted by miss_tila (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Cadrach (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pardon the illicit coitus? I refuse to examine the whole of that.
Submitted by LampShadePets (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:02:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it!
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-09-20 15:01:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-09-20 14:47:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
another good post.
STFU n00b!
_____________________________________
thanks jack and I promise I am done for the rest of the week. I need time to write the next two
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-09-20 14:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
-Dave
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2005-09-20 14:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-09-20 14:50:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh please please please tell me this is all true.
it's ok to lie to me I mean come on, you lie for a living right?
_______________________
loki, unfortunately, the story is true. I could have destroyed my company. It is becuase of people like Richard that I sold my company.
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2005-09-20 14:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent, very well written
<sobs with tears of pride>
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2005-09-20 14:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story. Now do one with Seymore Peters.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2005-09-20 14:51:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dick Rash??
I don't.. oh wait, BWWAAAHAAHAHAHHAHAHHHAHAAAHAHAH
I just didn't think it was that funny.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2005-09-20 14:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh please please please tell me this is all true.
it's ok to lie to me I mean come on, you lie for a living right?
I have one for you and it is 100% true. My brother-in-law's dad's name is Dick.
get the family connection, my sister married a guy whose dad..
oh piece it together on your own time
Dick is a great guy, not like the dick in your story. Anyway, he retired a couple of years ago and for reasons that no one really understands agreed to be a substitute school bus driver.
Day 1 he shows up and the kids ask him what his name is, not too unreasonable. He replies, "my name is Richard but you can call me Dick for short".
What the kids heard him say apparently was "call me Short Dick".
My sister told him he should have run that past her kids first, but he didn't think anything about it, poor dear.
You know, you just never really run into any Richards going by Dick anymore do you, wonder why.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-09-20 14:48:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two-hundred-thirty-nine pounds?! I'm a blimp! Why are all the good
things so tasty?
-- Homer Simpson
Brush With Greatness
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-09-20 14:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
another good post.
STFU n00b!
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-09-20 14:42:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-09-20 14:40:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A proud, selfish cunt named Dick Rash, his namesake did he bemoan,
He acted the asshole, gave your team quite an earful
But wound up embarrassed and owned.